Broken

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Ahsoka shot up, her eyes wide and full of fear. She was tired of all these nightmares. They were driving her insane, she swore. Every night, every time she fell asleep, she was forced to see those Clones die again and again. It was driving her crazy. She couldn't deal with these nightmares anymore.

She glanced at the chrono. She'd slept for about seven hours, which was a whole three hours more than she'd recently been having. She smiled. She was still tired of course – when wasn't she tired? – But at least she'd caught up on her sleep a little.

A week ago, she'd gone through a stage of forcing herself to stay awake all night because she was afraid of the nightmares that plagued her every time she closed her eyes. It was not healthy at all, however, so eventually she had to sleep. She told herself to just deal with the nightmares – they'd go away eventually. She just hoped that it'd be soon, because she couldn't even find peace in her sleep. It seemed even sleep wanted her to suffer. Like the days weren't hard enough to get through.

Ahsoka sat herself up properly, rubbing her tired, cloudy blue eyes. She suspected that today wasn't going to be much different to any other day. She'd probably sit in her room again and skip meals, like she did most days.

She didn't want to go to the mess hall. That's where people were. She didn't like people anymore. When she did go to the mess hall, she'd hide in her oversized cloak, hoping that no one would notice her. Of course they noticed her, though. She could feel them glaring at her, giving her dirty looks. Sometimes she could hear the Clones or the other Padawan's talking about her.

Even the Younglings didn't like to spend time with her. She used to teach a class every now and again, back when they looked up to her. She was the Chosen One's Padawan; she was supposed to set a good example. Youngling's used to look up to her and wish they were a powerful Padawan like her. In their eyes, she had to be great and powerful; she'd been promoted to an apprentice two years early. Now, from what they'd been told, she was not someone to look up to at all.

Everyone hated her, thought she was a failure, and she knew it. She could see it in their eyes; sense their emotions and what they were thinking. No one wanted her around. So she stayed hidden away where she couldn't hurt anyone. Even if it made her miserable, at least she wasn't doing anything wrong.

She'd do anything to avoid people these days. Skipping meals was one of those things. She'd rather not eat that sit in the middle of a room full of people who hated her.

Ahsoka's anxiety was growing; Padmé must have told someone. Anakin, probably. She knew how close they both were… She sometimes wondered if there was anything going on between them. It was possible – anything seemed possible these days – but Anakin was a Jedi and Padmé was a Senator… Surely it wouldn't work. It just couldn't.

She hoped – prayed, even – that the Senator hadn't told anyone. Even if Ahsoka was worried and scared about Padmé's knowledge of her 'habit', the Padawan was still furious and irritated at the Senator. It wasn't even her business! She wasn't her Mother, she couldn't tell her what to do. She shouldn't have stuck her nose in – she had no right.

Though, she did feel bad for losing control of her emotions and yelling at Padmé. She felt even worse about threatening her. Padmé was like the mother she'd never had. She had always been there for her when she needed her, and now, Ahsoka was just pushing her away. She didn't want to lose one of the only people who actually cared about her.

But there was no turning back now. She couldn't change the past.

Perhaps if she apologised to Padmé, she'd forgive her and they could talk everything out. She'd still make sure she didn't tell anyone – she just wouldn't threaten her or explode at her this time.

Deciding that apologising would be the best thing to do, Ahsoka got out of her messy bed, taking some clothes out from her drawer.

As the Padawan walked towards the 'fresher to shower, she hissed in pain when she stepped on something sharp. Swearing to herself (something Anakin had told her not to do) Ahsoka hoped into the 'fresher, throwing her clothes onto the floor.

Ahsoka sat down on the floor and looked at her foot. Quite a large, jagged shard of glass was wedged into her foot. It was bleeding a quite a bit, and it kriffing hurt.

Why is it that self-inflicted wounds barely hurt, and then accidents hurt like hell? Ahsoka thought, quickly yanking out the sharp of glass. More blood gushed out from the gash on her heel.

Ahsoka looked away quickly, swallowing hard. Seeing herself bleed like that was extremely triggering. She has getting that feeling, the one telling her to injure herself. She clenched her fists tightly; she didn't even know that the glass was digging into the palm of her hand, slowly tearing through the soft skin. Soon the blood was dripping through her fingers and onto the floor.

Ahsoka pulled up the sleeve of her right arm and held the glass to her arm. "Just one." She told herself. Just one. She'd told herself that many times. One was never enough. It never had been enough.

She was so addicted to this now. She didn't even need a reason to slice her own skin anymore. She just did it. Even if she was bored she would do it; she was just that addicted to the pain that always seemed to make her happier.

She didn't even know if she regretted starting it at all. It made her feel better when things were rough. It felt good. But living with the scars for the rest of her life… would she be able to deal with that? And if other people found out – what would they say? Would they help and support her or think she was a freak? Not that they would care anyway; they didn't care about her now, so why would they care later on?

She knew what she did wasn't normal or healthy. But how could something so bad feel so good? It couldn't be all bad… Wounds heal, it's not like they'll be cuts forever.

Five deep gashes leaked out blood, rolling down her forearm and dripping onto the floor. It hurt, but it felt so good. She was even more triggered now. Wanting more cuts, wanting more pain, Ahsoka shook her head and dropped the glass on her floor. Five deep ones would be enough. She didn't need to loose anymore blood today. Now she needed to get cleaned up.

The bad thing about cutting was the mess it made. There was blood on the floor and her arm wouldn't stop bleeding. After cleaning up the blood on the floor with a towel she threw it in the side and stripped herself of her clothing. She held her arm as she stepped in the shower; she didn't want any more blood spilling onto the floor. She couldn't be bothered to clean it up.

After her arm had finally stopped bleeding, Ahsoka stepped out of the shower, feeling more awake and less drowsy. A hot shower always did do her good, no matter how she felt.

As she dressed herself, being careful not to catch her arm on anything and make it bleed again, she glanced over at the bloody towel that was slumped in the corner. How was she going to get rid of that without anyone seeing?

Oh well, she had an excuse. Nose bleed would do.

… … … … … … … …

She stood outside of Padmé's door, her hands clutching the sleeves of her cloak. She was anxious. What if Padmé hated her now? What if she was afraid of her? How could she have been stupid enough to threaten her? She should have been careful.

She was such a disappointment. She couldn't do anything right these days. It would be better if she was dead; no one would have to deal with her stupid mistakes.

It was no wonder she was never chosen a Padawan. She had to be given away to someone instead.

Slowly, she raised her hand and knocked on the door, keeping her head down. Almost immediately Padmé answered the door, pulling her in quickly, gripping her arm tightly. Ahsoka hissed in pain quietly – Padmé was putting a lot of pressure on her most recent cuts.

"Padmé," Ahsoka wrestled her arm out of Padmé's grip, "I wanted to apologise for what I said yesterday. It was uncalled for and rude and I feel really bad. I didn't mean what I said."

"I know you didn't, Ahsoka." Padmé said, resting a hand on Ahsoka's shoulder, though, Ahsoka shrugged it off.

"No, I was wrong, you shouldn't forgive me. I shouldn't have said what I said." The Padawan turned away from her.

"Ahsoka, don't worry." She smiled gently, "I forgive you, I promise."

Ahsoka turned round again, now facing the Senator.

Padmé's eyes widened when she saw a large blood stain on the arm of Ahsoka cloak. "Ahsoka! You're arm's bleeding!" She rushed forward and held Ahsoka's arm. "Oh, Ahsoka. Did I do this? When I pulled you in?"

Ahsoka pulled her arm away, muttering something that very much sounded like a swear-word, "Um, yeah, probably, don't worry, its fine."

"No, it's not, it's bleeding a lot. I'm so sorry, Ahsoka! Please let me see?"

"No, I told you, it's fine."

"You've done it again, haven't you?"

"No." Ahsoka said, looking away and biting her lip. She hated lying. Lies were one of those things that could easily destroy a friendship or relationship. Lies were bad, but she couldn't let her find out she'd been doing it again.

"Then why won't you let me see your arm then? I've seen them before." Padmé put her hands on her hips, eying the teenager. She better not be lying.

Padmé was not ashamed of Ahsoka for what she did. She could never be ashamed of her. She was upset that Ahsoka felt like hurting herself was the only option. How could she not have known that Ahsoka was losing her mind? She should have found out sooner, before everything got out of hand. Perhaps this was her fault as well… She wasn't there when Ahsoka needed her most. No one was there for her, and that was even worse. Anakin, Plo and even Obi-Wan weren't there for the child, and they should have been. Padmé realised that it was actually no surprise that Ahsoka turned to self-harm. She had no one there for her and it made her feel that no one cared.

"Because I don't feel comfortable with people seeing them…"

"You're lying, Ahsoka. Ahsoka please just let me see. It's not like anyone is here to see. It's just me and you. And just so you know, I haven't told Anakin. I won't tell him either, because you and I both know that he's going to find out eventually. You keep telling yourself that he won't find out, that you can hide it from everyone forever. But you can't, and deep down you know that as well."

"He won't find out. I'll make sure he doesn't. I can hide it from him, just like I do from everyone else. He won't find out." Ahsoka said, telling herself that he wouldn't find out. He couldn't. He'd hate her so much more than he already did.

Maybe if she was a good Padawan, maybe if she tried harder and trained harder, he'd accept her then she could impress him, like she had always wanted to. She'd push herself to the maximum, just to impress him. Perhaps he'd be proud of her then.

"Who won't find out what?"

Ahsoka swung round, eyes wide. "M-Master. Nothing, it doesn't matter." She stuttered. Kriff, he hadn't heard all that had he?" When had he walked in?!

It was kind of strange hearing his voice again. She hadn't heard him speak for ages.

"Padmé? What is Ahsoka talking about? Who won't find out what?" He looked towards his wife.

Padmé was torn. Should she tell him now? If she did, they could all talk it out and make everything normal again. Anakin and Ahsoka would mend their bond. Everything would be fine again.

Ahsoka turned to Padmé, her eyes pleading her not to tell him. Padmé could see the terror in Ahsoka's eyes, and she immediately felt guilty. She couldn't tell him and hurt Ahsoka like that; not when she was so fragile and broken. Anakin would find out eventually anyway, like she had said. She knew it, and so did Ahsoka, deep down. There was no way she could hide her arms forever.

This was Anakin and Ahsoka's mess. As Master and Apprentice, it was them who had to sort out their own problems. It would help mend their bond and make it strong again, and they would both regain trust in eachother again.

Ahsoka swivelled around again, "It's nothing, Master." She hid her arm behind her back; she could feel the blood on her arm, and it was soaking through her sleeve, and the patch of blood was getting larger.

"You're not a very good liar, Ahsoka."

"It's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Master." She said, glaring at him, her anger brewing. Why did he need to know everything about her? He didn't even care! It was none of his business. She hated it when people stuck their nose in. "You haven't bothered to speak to me for the past two weeks, so it's none of your business anyway."

"I'm your Master, and you're my Padawan. What's your business is my business." Anakin was getting angry too.

"So, shouldn't your business be mine to? You can't trust me with your secrets, so why should I trust you with mine?"

Padmé stood, wringing her hands. She had a feeling that this was going to get nasty.

Anakin rubbed his forehead, mumbling to himself. Why was this child so difficult? Why couldn't she be like most Padawan's; obedient and respectful. Sure, he'd never really been any of those things, but at least he didn't disobey orders and get people killed. "What are you even doing here anyway?" He tried speaking in a softer tone; he didn't really like shouting in front of his wife, and he could see how nervous she looked in the situation.

"What, are you saying I'm restricted to the Temple? Am I not allowed to visit friends?"

"I never said that, Ahsoka." He said sternly. "But you aren't allowed out of the Temple without a Master's permission. And knowing you, you don't have permission."

"Well, maybe I could have asked you if you actually spent time with me! Maybe I wouldn't have to leave the Temple to visit friends if you weren't avoiding and ignoring me all the time!" She was shouting now, and boy could that girl shout.

"Well, maybe if you obeyed orders like most Padawans, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!" Anakin paced around, "Why are you so difficult, huh? Is obeying orders really that difficult for you? A Youngling could probably obey orders better than you can!" Anakin yelled at her, not having any idea of how much his words were hurting his Apprentice. His words were only confirming her fears and doubts.

Her anger brewed over the pain, "You know, it wasn't my idea to be your Apprentice! If I'm really that bad, why not just send me back?! That would be so much better for you, wouldn't it Mr Chosen-One? Maybe you can get a new Padawan, one that actually obeys you and does everything right! Someone who never makes any mistakes! It's obvious that I'm not good enough for you, so just send me back! Go on, do it! In fact, I might as well kill myself. You don't want me, no one else does, so I won't matter if I just leave will it? Ha, I bet no one will even notice! Then all of you can have a big party to celebrate me leaving! Do you know what? I hate you. I hate all of you." Breathing heavily, tears of frustration and pain in her eyes, she stormed towards to the door, slammed her hand onto the panel and stomped out.

Anakin stood there, still as a statue. He certainly hadn't expected her to lose it like that. He'd never seen her that angry before.

"Ani…" Padmé stepped forward, biting her lip. "Are you alright?"

"I… I've never seen Ahsoka act like that before. Never…" He was shocked. His Snips had completely lost control of herself. She'd changed…and it definitely wasn't good. Anger like that wasn't caused because of stress of lack of sleep. She had been furious. He was convinced that part of that anger was because of her Togruta heritage; the species were known to be easily angered. Ahsoka was a perfect example to prove it.

"You need to talk to her, Anakin." Padmé's tone was serious. "I told you she needed you, even if she's angry with you. You know how independent she is. She wants your help, but she doesn't want to look weak, so she's pushing you away. Anakin you need to just make up with her, because things are getting out of hand."

Anakin sighed; he was already so stressed with the war, and there was something very wrong with his Padawan. Things just weren't getting any better. The war was affecting everyone. "What did she mean by, 'He won't find out'? Who won't find out what?"

Padmé walked over to the window and stared out of it. She couldn't betray Ahsoka like that. She told her that she wouldn't tell Anakin, and she'd stick to that promise. Sighing, she said, "I can't tell you, Anakin. I'm sorry but you and Ahsoka need to sort everything out. Both of you need to just be friends again."

"But…we can't. She hates me. We're falling apart and it's my fault." He slumped down onto the couch. Everything was just so difficult.

"Anakin," the Senator sat next to her husband, "she doesn't mean it, you know she doesn't. She just confused and she doesn't know what she's doing. She just…hasn't been doing well these past few weeks. You two need to talk."

"When? I don't know what to say. What if she gets angry again and loses it again? She might not even be there when I get back!"

"Go now then. You'll know what to say when the time comes." Padmé also wanted Anakin to leave now, or at least as soon as possible. For all she knew, Ahsoka could be adding new wounds to herself at that very moment.

The conflicted Knight stood up, heading towards the door after kissing his wife's cheek. "I'll let you know how it goes later on…"

"Okay. Anakin, just…don't upset her, okay? That's the last thing she needs right now."

… … … … … … … … … … …

Um, well, this was supposed to be the last chapter but… well, it's not. One more after this. Hopefully I can write the next one up a little quicker than this one.

Anyway. Season 5 finale. I cried. 'Nuff said.

Please review? :D I LOVE YOU ALL!