This one-shot was requested by xXChiweeniLoverXx! It is based on the song 'I Almost Do' by Taylor Swift. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Austin & Ally
I Almost Do
I bet, this time of night you're still up,
I bet, you're tired from a long hard week,
I bet, you're sitting in your chair by the window,
Looking out at the city,
And I bet, sometimes you wonder 'bout me
He is all I can think about. Ever since that day; the day everything turned pear-shaped. The day I had to go and ruin everything. Trish keeps telling me that it's not my fault; that he is as much to blame as me, but I can't help that little nagging feeling at the back of my mind, telling me it's all my fault.
It is currently 11:17 at night, and I am having trouble getting to sleep. I just can't help all of these thoughts that are whirling around in my head like a tornado, messing up my sleeping patterns.
Thoughts of that night; the night that he broke my heart, and I broke his, keep coming back to me. Even though it is late at night, I can't help thinking; what is he doing now? I wonder if he still likes to sing.
Normally at this time of night, he would just be getting home from a gig; one of many, and sit in his chair by the window, looking out at the city. You see, that is one thing that we used to disagree on quite a bit; about where we should live. I always liked living in suburban areas. It made me feel more at home. However, he loved the hustle and bustle of city life.
I bet that is what he is doing right now; enjoying the view of the city from his apartment window. I also bet that maybe once or twice, he has thought about me like I think about him. I mean, the way we left things, it's pretty hard to forget.
And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me, not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that, every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do
It's times like these when I think about calling him. Trish tells me to stay strong, let him call me first, and she's right. I shouldn't be the first one to call, but I can't help thinking that what if he is waiting for me to call him first? Then that just makes it a constant cycle of one person waiting for the other person, and vice versa.
Despite all of my instincts, I pull the covers from over me, and get out of bed. The cold air rushes onto any part of exposed skin, making me regret not wearing my long pyjamas. I mean, it is winter after all! It's times like these that I wish he was here, to hold me in his warm, strong arms, and make all of my problems just melt away.
I grab my phone from my bedside table, hesitant about unlocking it. If I do, it will just encourage me to go onto my contact list, and find his name, which is of course at the top of the list. I have never had the courage to delete his number, even after all this time. I just can't find it in me to get rid of it.
I quickly unlock the phone, cringing as I see his name come up on the screen as I click 'Contacts'. I can't do this, I shouldn't. But, maybe if I just hear his voice, it will make me feel just that little bit better.
I ponder on whether I should call him; I mean, what harm would it do? If anything, it would make me feel a whole lot better. But at the same time, what if calling him will just create more problems?
Reluctantly, I place my phone back down on the bedside table, and slowly return back to bed.
I bet, you think I either moved on, or hate you,
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply,
I bet, it never, ever occurred to you,
That I can't say hello to you,
And risk another goodbye
The next day, I wake up and slump downstairs. I didn't get much sleep last night; maybe 2 hours, 3 tops. I kind of regret not calling him last night, as I keep on thinking, what harm could it possibly have done to make one phone call to him? I mean, it's not like it would've been the first time we made contact since the break up.
You see, a couple of weeks ago, he sent me an email. It said things like, 'We should talk more', and he is sorry. Things like that. It felt awkward even considering replying, as I was still pretty annoyed at him, so I never replied.
After that, he kept sending a few more emails, asking if I was okay, whether I got the other emails he sent. I typed out my replies, but I never got round to sending them. As I said, it felt awkward.
Of course I want to reply. Of course I want to sort things out, and maybe start up a friendship again. Who knows, maybe that friendship could turn into something more again. But I just don't want to get my hopes up by talking to him, and then have him let me down, or vice versa. I don't think I could take yet another heart break from the same guy.
And this time, it would be worse. I mean, he travels a lot with his career of singing; so, we would have to try a long distance relationship, and that is something I have always told myself not to get into. They never end well. Well, that is what all the movies prove anyway.
But I don't want him to think that I hate him or that I am avoiding him in any way. I want to assure him that I am still his, if he wants me to be. But, I don't want to sound completely desperate.
And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me, not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that, every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do
But, maybe emailing him would help get a few things off of my chest. Like, how much I miss him, need him. How much I really want him to be here right now. Ugh! I have got to stop thinking about him!
I am about to drink some of my freshly brewed coffee, when I hear my phone ring. I place the mug down and pick up my phone. The caller I.D lights up, telling me that Trish is calling me.
"Hello?"
"Ally! Hi!" I hear Trish exclaim from the other end of the phone.
I sigh. "Hi Trish, what's up?"
"Wow, someone sounds tired. Have you been thinking about him again?" she asks, and I can practically hear her eyebrows raise from the other end of the phone.
"What do you think?" I reply, wearily.
I can hear her sigh from the other end of the phone. "Look Ally, you have to get over him-" I cut her off.
"I know, I know. You've said that about 100 times now!"
"And I still mean it!"
"But, I was so close to calling him last night! I think it must be a sign or something! I mean, I haven't been thinking about him that much lately, but last night, I did!"
"Listen Ally, this is all part of the moving on process!"
"But, what if I don't want to move on?!"
She sighs. "I don't know what else to tell you! I can only give you so much advice, but whether you choose to take it is up to you! Look, I've got to go, I have just realised I am like, 2 hours late for work. Anyway, talk to you later! Bye"
"Bye." And with that, we hang up.
While I am holding the phone, I can't help but think, should I call him?
Oh, we made quite a mess, babe,
It's probably better off this way,
And I confess, baby,
In my dreams you're touching my face,
And asking me if I want to try again, with you,
And I almost do
I can't! Just thinking back to the times when we argued constantly. There was never a moment when we weren't really arguing. I mean, before we started dating, we were such good friends, but we had to go and ruin it! Maybe I shouldn't call him. I mean, I don't want to make it all confusing again by calling him and bringing up the past.
I decide it is best to place my phone back down, and get some well needed rest.
I am asleep on no time, and even in my dreams, all I can think about is him. I wake up after about 5 minutes, sighing as I realise that my dream wasn't real. I dreamt that he turned up at my door, like you see in the movies, and confess his undying love for me.
The dream got me thinking... do I want to try again with him? Would that be such a bad thing? Maybe if I did, I would be able to get some sleep! But, what about all of our problems in the relationship? I mean, there was obviously a reason why we broke up in the first place!
And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me, not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that, every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do
Here I go again, pondering on whether I should call him or not. I bet he isn't thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. I bet I am just wasting my time. I just want him to know that he is all I think about, all I want. But, what if he doesn't want me anymore? I mean, we did leave things on pretty bad terms. What if he hates me? No, he could never hate me... I hope.
Despite all of my instincts, I run to my laptop, before logging onto my emails, and scrolling down until I see his name in the 'Junk' list. Trish made me delete all of his emails, so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him.
I bet, this time of night you're still up,
I bet, you're tired from a long hard week,
I bet, you're sitting in your chair by the window,
Looking out at the city,
And I hope, sometimes you wonder 'bout me
I read back through the emails, tearing up at a few of them. I press 'New Message', and begin typing. I don't really know what I am typing, but I know it is coming from my heart, as cliché as that sounds.
I start by asking how he has been, what he is up to now, the usual. I also apologise for not keeping in contact with him sooner. I basically get everything I have been wanting to tell him ever since we broke up, off my chest, and onto a blank email. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted as soon as I see it all typed out. I read it back, quite proud of my choice of words.
I am about to press 'Send', when an article on the side catches my eye. It says something about the latest celebrity gossip, so I decide to click on it, and check it out. Wrong move. As soon as I click on it, his face appears, and his name, 'Austin Moon', in bold letters at the top. I decide to read on, even if it means my heart breaking into a million pieces.
It basically says how well he is doing, and how he will go far. There is also an interview in there with Austin. The interviewer asks him, 'What is it like being so successful at such a young age?' And obviously, he replies with, 'Great! I love singing, performing, dancing! It is what makes me happy!' I read on, scrolling past most of it. That is, until one question catches my eye, 'Would you consider having some sort of love life as well as being a celebrity?' This is Austin's reply, 'Well, of course I would love to find a girlfriend one day, but right now, I am pretty busy!' The interviewer then goes on to ask, 'Is there any special girl in your life right now?' And Austin's answer made me tear up quite a bit. 'Uh, yeah! She's all I can think about, but nothing can happen! As I said, I am pretty busy!'
Immediately, I begin thinking the worst. Who is she? Is she prettier than me? Does he love her more than me?
I can't risk sending that email now! He has moved on, so should I! I hesitantly close the article, before moving to the 'Delete' button on the email. I want him to be happy, and with me getting in the way of his clearly successful life, would just confuse everyone!
Even if I delete the email, the same old thoughts will still spring to mind. Like, I bet he is at home now, or, I wonder whether he still has that same old chair. He is all I think about. But, we both need to get on with our lives, so I do what I feel is best, even if it breaks my heart.
I press 'Delete', and never look back.