This is the first installment in TVD reads My Rants. I hope you like it; tell me if I should continue with it. The first will be Damon because 'twas (I've always wanted to use that word!) requested. And now people can't say this isn't a fan fiction BWHAHAHA! I haven't seen the past three episodes of TVD and so I can't really do the rants.

I will not think kinky thoughts about the Witchy One. I will not think kinky thoughts about the Witchy One. Damon said firmly in his head.

He was pacing his room, in nothing but black silk PJ pants that hung so you could see his V-line, and holding a crystal glass with bourbon in it. His hair was messy from running his hands through it. Lately he was having naughty thoughts about a certain witch. Sure he had Elena but honestly for some who has banged the majority of the male population in Mystic Falls she was absolute shit in bed. And her vagina smelt like dead fish and rotten cheese and was the bushiest one he had ever seen, and Damon was around in the 1960's so that's say a lot. The Witch seemed like someone who would keep 'it' clean and smelling fresh and she was hot. Team that up with the whole 'crazy bitchy witch' thing that was going on now just made her hotter.

"Fuck, Damon." He muttered to himself. He decided he needed some blood so he headed toward the cellar.

No thoughts of kinky witch sex with Bonnie. Damon reminded himself as he opened the freezer and took out a blood bag and ripping it open with his teeth. He sucked some of the blood and headed back up the stairs.

One time wouldn't hurt anyone, would it? Damon thought YES! If Elena found out she would flip shit and cry and she is ugly as fuck when she cries! He scolded himself for even thinking about cheating on Elena and her fish vagina.

He was jolted out of his thinking by very high-pitched girly scream of, "OH MY GOD! MY OVARIES!" Damon was concerned by this as he was sure him and Stefan were the only ones in the house, and if Stefan had ovaries that would be a cause for a concern. The scream had come from the study so Damon did the vampire zoomy shit and was there in like .69 (AN:Hehehehe) seconds.

In the study, hunched over his laptop was Stefan. He was fanning himself with both hands and had a look of pure bliss on his face.

"The fuck are you doing." Damon asked. I'd like to be fucking Bonnie…STOP IT!

Stefan straightened up, scrunched his eyebrows, and open and closed his mouth, "I'm..uh"

"You have ovaries? That's concerning." Damon said walking slowly toward Stefan. Bonnie has ovaries which is not concerning….FUCKING DAMMIT!

"Uhm….well…you see. I want a….sex change. And I just saw a picture of the ovaries that will soon be mine." Stefan said hesitantly then nodded his head at the end of the sentence.

"Um. Are you sure you wanna be a chick, bro?" Damon asked Bonnies a chick. A hot, fuck worthy chick…. I GIVE UP!

"Yes." Stefan said curtly before zooming his way out of the study.

Damon scrunched up his face and went to Stefans' laptop, slurping at his blood bag as he did so. The browser was still up on something called . According to the page kleFAN4evaa was the user.

"The hell is a klefan?" Damon muttered to himself. It certainly wasn't ovaries, praise the lord.

Damon looked through the favorited stories and found one titled Bamon VS Delena. The hell is Delena. Sounds like the name of a gay male stripper. Damon got sick and tired of this and decided to Google what the fuck a Klefan, Delena, and Bamon was. And he was shocked. These people knew about all of their lives. And there were some fucked up people out there, for example Defan, the fuck THEY'RE BROTHERS! He went back to the story and read the first chapter.

Thoughts during the first chapter (in order of the things written):

Elena's vagina only brings me down.

Fuck yeah! Damon Salvatore as the first choice

I don't kill Bonnie because the sex could be kinky as fuck.

I am pretty fucking amazing.

While reading The Bitch: Elena

She can't decide. She couldn't even decide on the damn sex position!

She is whiny. It so god damn annoying. She whined because I didn't get her the blood bag after sex. I was like no bitch, no.

After he read all the rants he was really fucking concerned. Elena still had her emotions and Jeremy wasn't dead. Was this really gonna happen? Well fuck his life…. And Bonnie too. Fuck it! I'll call Bonnie tell her about this development and then maybe I'll seduce her. SALVATORE CHARM BITCHES. Damon smirked at the thought. Wait, does Stefan really wanna fuck Klaus?

And that's it! If I do another one it will most likely be Bonnie tell me what ya think I know it sucks.