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I pedaled hard out of that parking lot, feeling my eyes prick with hot tears.
NO, no...Bella you will not cry.
I gave no notice to the colors of the trees that had so captured me just about an hour ago. I sped down the road Edward had driven us, back in the direction of his house. With the rate I was working I could see his driveway in no time. I breathed harder, pedaling even faster past it.
I was mad. I was so damn mad. But more than anything I was disappointed. Last night...this morning...it all could have ended so differently. So wonderfully.
But that was my problem. I wanted everything to play out the way I hoped for instead of dealing with the reality that Edward is...damaged. It was abundantly clear to me now if it hadn't been before. The way he shut down, last night this morning...sofast. Keeping up with his mood swings, only asking about certain topics, never knowing what could trigger him to become so cold... it was all exhausting. And yet a part of me was committed to it, just to see where it could go...if he wanted it to go anywhere.
I could feel that he did. Even broken, he was so beautiful to me. He took care of me last night when he could have sent me home. I could see the inner war in his eyes, though I didn't know what he was fighting. I wanted to help him fight.
But I wasn't going to stay where I wasn't wanted either. I'd been pushed and pulled too many times already. The ball was in his court now. He had to decide - really decide, what he wanted. Either that or leave me alone for good.
Please, don't leave me alone, Edward...
Which was easier said than done. Because even if he did decide to never speak to me again or see me again...he would always be on my mind. Somehow I knew time apart wouldn't erase any of the curiosity or care that I inexplicably felt for him.
Edward had quickly made a place for himself in my mind, my heart, my new life here in Riverdale. I didn't want him to leave it.
It took me almost an hour to get home on my bike. I was freezing cold by the time I shut my front door behind me. The chilling wind had a way of ignoring layers of warm clothing and seeping into your bones.
My hands shook as I unbuttoned my jacket and hung it up in my closet. I noticed one of my jackets was missing.
Oh shit! Angela! She'd borrowed it the night before!
I raced to my room and found my cell phone on my night stand. I'd been so stupid to leave it behind yesterday.
I opened it up to find a text message from Ang.
"Hey woman! I'm spending the night at Garrett's. Don't judge me. He's being quite the gentleman. I'll see you in the am. Love you, sugar tits!"
I breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't home yet.
I mentally face - palmed for being so stupid. Knowing Angela, if she had come home to find me missing, she would have had a swat team combing the town. Not to mention my father would probably have a stroke.
I was secretly very excited that she had obviously had a great time with Garrett. Maybe they hit it off really well. Maybe she'd like Riverdale more and move. It would be great to have my best friend around more often. I was dreading saying goodbye to her.
My apartment would go back to being quiet and lonely.
I need to get a dog or something.
I sat still for a moment on my bed, taking a few slow, deep breaths.
This morning had left me reeling a bit and I needed to calm down. I was feeling so let down, realizing that maybe this morning was the last I might see of Edward for a while. When I left the diner I had walked slowly, waiting for him to run after me. To beg me to stop, to say he was sorry, to say he didn't want me to leave.
But he didn't. And maybe he never would. What exactly was I expecting anyway? That he'd come around and tell me all his sorrows and his dreams? That he'd want to spend his time with me? That he'd kiss me? That he'd tell me he wanted to keep me? That he'd ...love me?
I was always quite the dreamer. You kind of had to be when you were stuck in bed for the majority of your childhood.
I needed to just let go of this. To stop hoping for things that might not happen. But the hurt I felt was undeniable. I'd already hoped for too much.
I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and threw on a long sleeved, blue cotton shirt. I fixed my hair into a braid and brushed my teeth. I took my meds and listened to the quiet in my little house. I was still shivering from my cold bike ride, so I turned up the thermostat and flipped on the tv.
It was around ten in the morning so there wasn't much on. I was anxious for Angela to come back. I wanted to hear about her date and I wanted to tell her about last night.
And this morning.
At eleven, I opened the shop.
I took my time packaging a few orders, letting my movements and tasks become ritualistic, therapeutic, soothing. I had learned to be gentle with each and every flower or plant I worked with. Too much pressure here or there could snap a stem or wither a petal, tear a leaf or crack a branch.
Life is so fragile. All of it.
It was eleven thirty when my shop bell rang and Angela came in, beaming.
I saw Garrett's car take off past the shop. It looked like he was still smiling too.
"He said to tell you hi," she said. "He would have come in but he was late for work. We were a little preoccupied this morning..."
The grin on her face was priceless. I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to determine if they did the Do.
"He made me breakfast, B. We didn't have sex...even though I really wanted to..." she admitted. She came up to the counter and gave me a hug hello. She pulled up my office chair and sat down behind me, watching me work and dishing details about their night together. He'd taken her to an indie theater downtown and to dinner by the river.
"We just couldn't stop talking...we drank and laughed and talked until we couldn't even figure out what time it was. He had taken me back to his place for drinks and he just let me stay because it had gotten so late. He was a total gentleman about it too! He was going to sleep on the couch and let me have his bed, but we both fell asleep before either of us could move. We woke up together on his couch this morning...God, he's just so..."
She rolled her eyes into the back of her head and sighed. She was clearly feeling a little smitten.
"And he's such a good kisser, Bella! Holy hell..."
I laughed, happy she had had such a good time.
"Maybe you should stick around Riverdale...you never knowwwww..." I said in sing song.
Her laugh was interrupted by a long yawn. I wanted to tell her about Edward, but it didn't seem like the time. She was so ...happy. I had no intention of ruining that.
"Why don't you go take a nap and catch up on some rest, Ang. When you wake up I'll help you pack. I'll make you something to eat before you go."
She stood up and gave me another hug.
"THIS is why you're my best friend." she laughed, yawning once more.
The rest of my work day passed fairly quickly. I got a few customers and a pretty decent amount of orders for the week. Slowly but surely, business was picking up.
I hadn't heard much movement from upstairs so I assumed that Angela was passed out cold.
Edward stayed at the forefront of my mind all day. I kept my cell phone in my pocket, jumping every time it buzzed, hoping it was him.
He probably didn't even keep that stupid napkin.
When five finally rolled around, I closed up the shop and turned off lights. I hung up my apron on the post by the stairs and looked once more at the door. He wasn't coming.
I started to hear the muffled sound of music as I came to my apartment door.
I smiled as I recognized the sound of some old school Kingsmen. 'Louie, Louie' was playing from the boom box in my room. And there was Angela. In an old t-shirt and her boy shorts, wiggling her ass around as she folded clothes and put things in her bag.
It was just like our college days. I had to smile.
She noticed me enter the room and shimmied her way right over to me, humping the air once or twice before grabbing my hands and spinning me around.
I was so glad she was here. For a moment I forgot about all the weight that had been hanging heavily on my shoulders and just let myself be silly. We pulled out our old favorite moves...the running man, the lawn mower, the q-tip.
The two of us started chucking clothes at each other and laughing as Angela threatened to start farting at me if I didn't help her pack.
We ended up collapsing on my bed in a fit of giggles, my room an utter and complete mess. When we wanted to make a mess we were pretty thorough about it.
Our laughter started to die down into a long sigh between us and finally a comfortable quiet. Angela studied the ceiling as she spoke quietly.
"I don't want to leave you here alone, Bell." she said.
"I'll be okay." I promised her. I was afraid maybe she worried about me too much. I was really alright. People can be sad sometimes and still be alright.
"I know you can take care of yourself. That's not what I meant...I just...don't want you to be alone."
I let the quiet envelope us again. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to be alone either...but I was beyond lucky to even be alive. I didn't think I could ask for much more even if I wanted to.
I sat up on the bed and changed the subject, earning me an eye roll from Ang.
"C'mon. Let's get your stuff together and I'll make something for us to eat."
I could tell she was studying me pretty carefully, but she decided to drop the subject and smiled at me.
We spent that night eating a warm meal and listening to music before it was time for her to leave. I was certainly feeling the emptiness in my apartment as soon as she was out the door, leaving behind promises she'd return.
I knew she would, I just hoped it would be soon.
I went to bed almost immediately after she left, taking my evening medication and changing into loose, comfy pajamas. It was only 8:30 but I was beyond exhausted. Every part of me was tired. Physically, emotionally, psychologically...I just need to shut down.
I needed to stop thinking about Edward.
Two Weeks Later...
Time was passing at an interesting pace. It neither dragged nor charged ahead. It simply passed.
Luckily, the shop was picking up and gaining more attention than when I'd first opened. It wasn't crazy busy, but it was work. It was a nice balance.
I'd kept relatively to myself since Angela left. Maybe a part of me was having a bit of a sulk. Maybe I was wallowing.
But I'd seen Alice and Rose once or twice for coffee or lunch. I enjoyed spending afternoons with them. I was beginning to feel even closer to them. Though, it did take all of my will power not to ask about Edward.
I heard bits and pieces in their conversations. It seemed he was busy looking at galleries and working with his agent. He hadn't been over to see Alice since the two of them had come to my apartment.
I hadn't seen or heard from him since our tense breakfast conversation. For the first week I'd let myself hope just a tiny bit that I'd get that phone call, or see his face in my shop window. But it never happened.
I'd ruined it. Or he ruined it. I don't know. It was just...ruined.
I'd spent more time than I wanted to admit going over that morning and the night before it in my head. Maybe if I'd been patient...maybe if I hadn't been nosey and asked so many questions.
But then again...maybe if he wasn't an asshole...things could have been different.
It was a Friday evening and I was waiting for Jake to show up with his truck to help me load up about a dozen large arrangements.
I was in a happy mood today...which I was trying my best to hold on to. Thoughts of Edward, of my empty apartment, of my utter lack of a social life outside of the occasional coffee date with the girls, had me down. I needed to do something useful to feel better, and today, that was exactly what I was doing.
Last week Alice had called me with a project. She was setting up a fundraising gala event at the Riverdale Hospital for the children's ward. She'd spent the week getting sponsors and auction items and caterers to throw an event that would rake in some money for pediatrics. Apparently this was an annual event. Carlisle, being a pediatrician at Riverdale helped MC, Esme worked with decorations and the entertainment for the night, Alice helped coordinate the auction and Emmett showed up with the entire fire department every year to come visit the kids in full fire fighter gear. It was a family event.
This year I got to design the centerpieces for the all the tables and the stage - a makeshift ballroom set up in the hospital's cafeteria.
I couldn't help but be excited for so many reasons. The first being that I'd be helpful to the Cullens. I had to admit, I loved seeing them - especially all together. They were just a beautiful family. Asking me to help always made me so excited to know that they liked having me around. I needed community right now, and the Cullens made me feel like more than that - they made me feel like family.
But more importantly, I was excited to see the kids tonight. I felt a kinship with those of them who had spent the majority of their life in a hospital bed, or had dealt with the idea of dying at a very young age.
I'd had the occasional visit from a charity worker or a a random card from a kindergarten class, but a night like tonight would have been a great time and a great way to remind me that I was a kid. In many ways, I was still mourning my childhood.
I checked the plastic covers on the peonies as I dialed my dad's phone number to pass on the directions to the hospital. He and Sue were coming tonight and I was beyond excited to see their faces. Something about hearing my dad's voice always calmed me down and made me feel safe. Made me feel loved. It had been too long since I'd seen my dad. I felt much better knowing I was guaranteed a hug tonight. I noticed Jake's truck pull up to the front curb.
I said a quick goodbye as my gigantic best friend waltzed in, Leah close behind him.
Leah was a beautiful girl. She was a little taller than me with dark brown hair, green eyes and olive skin. Her Native American heritage was recognizable in her facial features. It was something she was always proud of and I was envious of. I thought she was stunning and I wanted to look just like her. She was a little older than us, and I remembered her studying after school at Jakes house once in a while when we were kids. She was often told to keep an eye out for us, but she always had her nose in a book. And it paid off - she was smart as hell. Not many left the reservation to get an education beyond high school or community college. Leah had put herself through college and law school...succeeding with flying colors.
She'd been gone to school through Jake and I's high school years, returning home by the time we had started college. The summer we were all home, it was pretty clear to me that Leah was no longer quite so interested in books - but rather in the man that Jake had become.
It had taken Leah and I a while to warm up to one another at first - but only because she thought Jake and I were an item. It was only after I had clarified - strongly- that that was not that case, that she was more friendly towards me. Jake and Leah started dating during our sophomore year and have been together ever since.
She came right over to me from my front door and wrapped me up in a hug.
"Bella! I've missed you!"
I really had missed her too. Once we had become more friendly with each other, she started to really understand why Jake and I were like brother and sister. And soon she was treating me in the same way.
Jake gave me a squeeze and told me I looked pretty.
I disagreed but smiled at the compliment. Jake and Leah both looked amazing. Jake had on the one suit that would fit his shoulders, and Leah looked clean cut and stylish in a square necked black dress.
I was wearing a vintage looking floral print mini with a soft cotton cardigan. It was a beautiful dress...I just wasn't feeling especially gorgeous.
Lately I hadn't been feeling much of anything really.
Jake helped me load his truck with the arrangements as it started to get dark out, while Leah was telling me the names of her lawyer friends who were coming to the benefit. She'd roped in the wealthiest in her firm to come tonight, hoping that they would be generous.
I concentrated on being gentle with the flowers as I loaded the truck bed, giving Jake the stink eye when I thought he was being too rough. He would roll his eyes and look at me apologetically before being gentle in the most overly exaggerated way possible, cooing at the arrangements like they were babies.
"Yeah, you better be nice..." I snorted at him.
Leah's cell phone rang and she took the call, I could hear her giving directions to the hospital over the phone. Jake took the moment to look me over.
"You okay, Bella? You look thin to me..." he said quietly.
"Jake, everybody looks tiny to you. You're...you."
"Are you calling me fat!" he gasped in mock hurt. I rolled my eyes before loading the last arrangement, adjusting the plastic cover.
"I'm just lookin out for ya, Bells. You seem...I don't know...you just haven't been your usual happy self."
"I'm happy." I assured him as genuinely as I could, pausing to look him in the eyes and smile in affirmation.
I was happy...right? I mean generally?
"I'm just having an off week or two. It's not a big deal. Maybe I'm getting my period." I explained, half talking to Jake, half thinking out loud. I knew he'd drop it as soon as I brought up my period.
He was just such a boy.
"Uh, yeah...that's my cue." he said, cutting around the truck quickly to the driver's side.
Leah let me climb in behind the passenger seat before jumping in beside Jake. I tried to focus on looking happier, perkier. I was not going to allow myself to be a debbie downer tonight. None of this was about me.
I had wondered if Edward would be at the benefit gala tonight, but I'd learned from a lunch date with Alice that he was out of town this weekend. Something about looking at a gallery in Seattle. Part of me was relieved he wouldn't be there...the other part of me was feeling let down all over again.
We pulled into the hospital parking garage about fifteen minutes later. I'd texted Alice as soon a I could and sure enough, she had a band of volunteers waiting at the door to help us carry in arrangements.
I saw Jasper waiting on the curb with a smile on his face.
"Well hello, Miss Bella." he said, coming over to shake Jake's hand and give me a quick hug. Jake introduced Leah and the four of us started to unload the flowers.
"Allie is in full event planner mode," Jasper said with a smirk. "It's actually pretty damn impressive. Wait till you see it in there, Bella. You'd never know it was a hospital cafeteria. I can't wait to see those kids faces when they see it all."
I smiled, knowing Alice had surely worked her magic. I followed Jasper inside and to the elevator, shivering a little with the cold. It was late fall now. Snow would be coming soon.
We hopped in the elevator and chatted a bit until the doors dinged and opened to the hospital cafeteria floor.
My mouth dropped open. Jasper was right - Alice had done an amazing job. I felt as if we were stepping into a ballroom rather than a cafeteria.
Beautiful twinkling lights were weaving in out of gorgeous, sheer, hanging drapery. The lights were dimmed to a pretty, glowing atmosphere. Tree branches traveled up the walls and held up the drapery, making the entire room look enchanted. Round tables were set with pretty china and flowing tablecloths. Against the wall was a buffet table lined with covered, silver trays, steam rising out of each one. It smelled amazing.
"Bella! You're here!" I heard Alice call my name. She appeared from the doorway of a room adjacent to the cafeteria. She bounced over and showed me where to place the arrangements. With all the help she'd put together, we had the centerpieces uncovered, arranged and placed within 20 minutes.
I was particularly proud of these arrangements. The peonies with the twisted blossom branches, dried honey comb and queen anne's lace, accompanied Alice's design perfectly. Something about being in the room made me feel warm and even...beautiful. Everyone here was so beautiful in the light of this little fairy tale room Alice has arranged.
As soon as the arrangements were placed I went to work helping Jasper with last minute decorations to be hung, giving Esme a hug when I saw her.
"Bella!" Esme said, her face breaking out in a warm smile as she saw me. "How are you sweet girl!"
She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I held on to her just a moment longer than was probably normal. I felt her grip loosen for a moment, expecting me to let go of her. But when she felt my arms stay tight around her, she gave me a longer squeeze.
"Oh, Bella..." she said softly.
There was something about Esme that resonated with me. Even though I'd only known her for a short while, she had this motherly affection that I think I'd always wanted and hoped for. Part of me thought that maybe Esme knew this. Her intuition about people was pretty acute. It was like she just knew that I needed to be held like this. Even just for a minute. I almost wanted to cry.
When we pulled away she gave me a soft, loving look that put me at ease. Sometimes a girl just needs a damn good hug, okay?
I took a deep breath and asked how I could help.
Esme took my hand and led me to the side room, which was set up for a silent auction. The tables were set up around the walls for viewing an array of items. I helped her organize the first few tables and set up the bidding boxes.
"Bella, I want to show you something..." she said.
She took me over to the last table where she pulled out a large, wrapped, rectangular package from behind the other items.
"This is Edward's contribution to the auction. I thought you might like to see it." she said, offering it to me to unwrap.
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely." she winked and left me to it, heading over to the other tables to finalize the bidding boxes.
I stared at the package in front of me. I knew immediately that it was a painting. I was so ready to tear off the paper covering and see what Edward's mind looked like. But I paused for a moment, already feeling like I was being sucked back into a sensitive place. I didn't know what I would see, but I already knew I would immediately be dragged back into the mystery that was Edward Masen.
With hesitant hands, I ripped the tabs on the package, pulling out the canvas by the back of its frame.
I was literally holding my breath as I turned the piece around to look at it.
Immediately I was consumed with the rich colors splayed across the canvas. His style was so free, his expressive hand so evident in the piece. The feeling translated was undeniable. Whatever darkness was in Edward's past, or whatever he was struggling with...it didn't matter. Anyone could tell just by looking at this piece that the person who painted it was full of pure passion. A huge contrast to his quiet, cold, mysterious persona.
The piece was an abstracted landscape, the color scheme skewed, a field on fire with color, blue mountains, a speckled sky. To the far right, standing in the field was a figure. I squinted closer, not believing what I saw.
It was...
...it was me.
I mean, at least I thought it was. Was it really me? I looked closer, the figure was small, but detailed. Her back was facing the viewer, but her face was profile and turned skyward.
That was undeniably my profile.
His shading made the figure look mysteriously ambiguous from a distance, but squinting at it now...I knew it was me.
"Esme...did you...is this...?" I turned to ask, finding her standing still and watching me with a knowing smile.
"I saw it too, Bella." she said. "I went to visit him this week to help him pick a piece for the auction. This is not the first piece that has your likeness in it."
I stared at her, wide eyed in utter disbelief. Esme stepped closer to me.
"B-but I thought..."
"Whatever has happened between the two of you has woken Edward up in a way. I have to ask...as his... mother...that you don't give up on him. He's already given up on himself in so many ways. I know he's is a challenge. But his life has not been an easy one. He sees something in you, Bella. We all do. You're special."
I felt my eyes brimming at her words.
"You don't see it in yourself, but you are. Give it time, and maybe Edward will surprise you." she said.
Esme touched my arm lovingly before leaving the room to find Carlisle. I was in shock. My whole evening thrown. I couldn't even tell if it was good or bad, I just felt...so much at once. Looking down at the piece in front of me...I knew I hadn't been stupid to think that there was something between Edward and I. A connective thread that we couldn't ignore. There was just a knot in that thread we had to untangle before we could truly understand each other.
I wiped my tears from my face quickly, trying to keep my mascara from running and ruining my face. Esme spoke to me with such love and acceptance. She thought I was special.
How many times had I felt unworthy? How many times had I questioned why I was special enough to be given another shot at living? I'd spent years struggling with my own worth and trying always to be grateful for what I'd been given despite all of that. And here was Esme and her wonderful family, telling me that I was special to them. That I mattered. That somehow I'd gotten through to a man who was deeply troubled. A man they all obviously cared for very much.
I placed a hand over my chest and felt my heart pounding. Strong, sure, healthy. Alive.
Maybe there was a reason I was still here.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard foot steps entering the room. Jake was coming to get me.
"Hey Bella! Alice said we can help bring the kids downstairs now. Guests are starting to arrive."
I sniffed once and pinched my cheeks, trying to fix my face into a healthy flush instead of a weepy mess. I followed him out the door and up the stairs. Alice and Jasper were standing with Carlisle, who was holding a little boy on his hip. The boy had to be about five. He was missing a patch of hair and sporting a row of sponge bob band aids on his hands from where his IV had been. He had his head tucked in the crook of Carlisle's neck and he was smiling at Alice.
"Bella!" Carlisle smiled widely as soon as he saw me.
What is it with this family? Why do I already love them so much?
"Hi Doc, good to see you!" I said. "Who've you got there?"
"This is Riley. Riley this is Miss Bella, can you say hi?"
Riley looked at me, grinning bashfully. "Hi, Miss Bella."
"Hi there, Riley." I said. "I love your sponge bob band aids."
I lifted up the sleeve of my cardigan to show him my band aid on my elbow. I'd scratched myself removing some thorns from a rose piece early in the week. My band aid donned one happy looking Tinkerbell.
Riley's eyes lit up at the sight of my little band aid.
"Look at that, Ri. It's a Tinkerbell for Bella." said Carlisle. Riley giggled once before buried his head in Carlisle's shoulder once again. I caught him peeking out at me from under his thick eye lashes.
Oh, smitten.
Alice, Jasper and I each visited room by room, say hello to the kids and their parents, escorting them down to the cafeteria lobby. I found myself unusually quiet and emotional the more people we met. I think Alice noticed, but she didn't say anything. It was just being back in a hospital setting that had me sensitive. Seeing these beautiful kids, fighting with their own bodies at such an young age, the IVs, the oxygen tanks, the bald heads, the band aids and bruises, the tiny coughs...and despite all of that...the huge smiles. It was all so familiar to me. Seeing them made me feel so many emotions. One of which was guilt. I'd made it. I'd survived. I'd been given a chance. And I was helpless now as to how to give them theirs.
I recognized that helplessness in the eyes of their parents, who were bravely sporting happy faces - just as my father had.
I tried my best to do the same, knowing that all I could do was help give them a night to remember.
We had them wait just outside the doors so they could all enter the little wonderland Alice had created together. There was one little girl who had attached herself to my side, clutching my dress and sucking on a pacifier. She had to be about three or four. Her parents weren't there yet, but she had followed our little band of kids down to the cafeteria. I reached down and held her hand. She looked up and me and I watched her pacifier bob upwards as she smiled.
"Emma..." Riley said, catching the little girl's attention. "That's Tinkerbella..." he whispered loudly, pointing at me.
Emma giggled loudly and clapped her hands before holding onto me again.
Alice and Jasper both opened the double swinging doors to reveal the fairy tale ballroom. I had my eyes on the kids the entire time. Light sparked in each one's face, excited smiles, giggles and awed wonder.
Emma started to bounce up and down and laugh, pointing at the twinkle lights.
The room had filled with guests, who were all on their feet, standing for the guests of honor and clapping wildly. Rosalie appeared at the front door, dressed in a pretty ball gown and sporting a pair of fairy wings, welcoming the children inside. She threw me a wink as we walked in.
The littlest kids were already having a blast. I watched the older patients, around 12-14 years old. They had their eyes on the littlest ones, watching the excitement become contagious.
We helped usher the kids inside to a special table made up for just them.
And just like that, the night kicked off into full swing. Alice, myself and some other volunteers helped deliver plates of food to the kids. The nursing staff had all dressed up in costumes and helped kids who couldn't feed themselves enjoy their dinner.
I spotted my father and Sue across the room and skipped over to say hello.
"Bella this is beautiful!" said Sue. The two of them were both clearly impressed with the room.
"It's all Alice, I just brought some flowers." I said, giving her a hug.
I turned to my dad.
"Hi Daddy..." I said.
I hadn't called him Daddy in a long time. But something about tonight, about how much I was feeling and remembering, something about needing my dad near me...it just happened. I saw his eyes well at up as I said it. I could see the pride on his face and he pulled me in close.
"Hi baby girl..."
We shared a loving, knowing glance. I knew he was remembering too. He watched all the kids at the table, now being entertained by Carlisle, who was cracking jokes while all of his patients teased him. I watched Esme, beaming at her husband from afar. Jasper had Riley up on his shoulders while Alice was laughing brightly by his side. Emmett had accompanied Rosalie, dressed in his full fire fighter gear.
I swallowed hard, trying my best to keep my emotions at bay. It was just so beautiful. And I could never explain articulately how it was making me feeling. The gratitude, the joy, the sadness, the guilt, all of it. And even the confusion...the mystery around Edward's painting...it was all so present in me tonight. Everything I was feeling was brought to the forefront of my mind all at once. I was trying my best to keep myself together.
I brought Dad and Sue over to a table and gave them their buffet tickets. Dad caught my arm and whispered in my ear.
"You okay, kiddo?"
I nodded and smiled. "I'm okay."
He grinned up at me, still glowing with an expression of pride and love. "You look beautiful tonight, Bells."
That's my dad.
The night seemed to fly at a speed I could hardly keep up with. I had learned everyones names, talked with most of the kids and kept my eyes on the littlest ones who tended to wander from their chairs. When dinner and dessert were cleared, the kids got to meet the entire fire fighter squad. They'd brought the truck, but the weather had proven too cold to take the kids outside in. So instead, the group of gigantic men came thundering inside, along with the dalmatian puppy the squad had adopted. The kids went nuts. It was the coolest. Ever.
Emmett was incredible with the kids. I watched Rose just glow as she saw him interact with each one, cracking jokes and making them giggle and laugh.
When it started to get late, nurses rallied together to bring the kids to their rooms and put them to bed. Emma's parents had arrived for dinner and both thanked me for spending time with her. She planted a big wet kiss on my cheek before following her nurse to the elevators.
The rest of the evening was for the adults and donors. The auction began and people were extremely generous. The Cullens had that effect on people. They just were so wonderful you wanted nothing more than to help make them happy. To be as generous as they were. And how could anyone not love seeing those kids happy faces?
I finally caught a bite to eat in the back lounge with Jake while the auction went on. Leah was sitting with her lawyer friends and Jake had been helping Jasper all night.
I could tell Jake had a little man crush on Jasper. He thought he was the coolest guy everrrrrrrr. I teased him about it, but I was actually truly happy to hear that Jake had found a dude to be good friends with.
The night ended with music and dancing, and the distribution of auction items to their respectable winners.
Edward's piece sold for $25,000.
I was beginning to find out that Edward's work wasn't just really good...it was really high end and in really high demand. Alice spilled that he'd sold pieces for much more. His signature on a piece was worth thousands alone. He didn't always sign his pieces, so if someone could get their hands on a signed Edward Masen piece...they had an extremely valuable painting in their possession. She'd told me this under her breath at lunch once. Edward didn't like to talk about money, and he hated when people knew about it, but Alice loved to brag about her brother. I could see how much she loved him. She was proud of him.
I was more and more shocked and amazed by him. And his modesty was something that only attracted me even more.
I was sad to see his work leave, but happy to see the benefit come to pediatrics. I wondered where he was tonight. If he was thinking about me. If he knew I would see it. What was he trying to tell me?
It was almost midnight by the time the guests began to leave.
Before Dad and Sue left, I introduced them to Carlisle and Esme, who treated them with all the love they had treated me with. I could tell my father really respected the Cullens. He mentioned to me later that he was glad I had friends like that around me. He worried often that I was by myself too much. I was happy the Cullens had put his mind at ease.
"Fantastic night, Bella." Dad said as I walked them to their car. "We are very proud of you. And your friends."
"Thanks, Dad. I'm so glad I got to see you tonight. I've missed you."
He gave me a hug and Sue gave me a kiss before they left. I stayed on the curb for just a few minutes after their tail lights had disappeared, taking deep breaths of cold air.
This night had been more emotional than I had expected, and I was trying to find some calm in the storm that was living in my head.
I thought I heard someone behind me, but when I turned around there was no one there.
I shivered as the wind whipped over my shoulders and through my hair. Looking around once more, I returned back inside.
I offered to help Alice to clean up and she quickly told me I was out of my mind.
"Are you kidding? You have done so much already. I only asked for flowers and you helped out the entire night. You were wonderful with those kids, Bella. Go home and get some rest, you look like you need it. We've got plenty of hands to help." she assured me.
I knew then that she had in fact noticed my quietness. She looked at me knowingly, as though she understood somehow that this night had drained me emotionally. She didn't push me to find out why, but some how, like her mother, she had that intuition.
I made my rounds to hug everyone goodbye. Esme held me with that extra long squeeze one more time before I left. I wanted to cry again. I felt like I was about to cry all damn night.
Jake and Leah didn't ask questions as we rode home in silence. Although, I did catch Jake eye balling me in the mirror. He knew me well. But exhaustion had taken all of us over and he let me be.
"Thanks so much for helping out tonight, you guys." I said as we pulled up to my curb.
"You were really wonderful."
"So were you, Bella." said Leah. She was searching my face, a tint of concern in her eyes. "You did a really beautiful job."
"They were just flowers." I said.
"I wasn't just talking about the flowers." she smiled. "Get some rest, B."
I waved to them both from the sidewalk as they drove away. Sliding my key into the lock I found relief washed over me as I stepped inside. No longer in front of anyone to pretend for, alone now behind my front door, I cried.
I wept. The shuddering, chest heaving sobs. Like something had been building a force inside me, big enough to break a damn of emotions I had been keeping to myself for too long. Memories of the fear and the helplessness of being sick, the not knowing, the constant struggle, the endless waiting. The idea that nothing was forever, tomorrow wasn't promised. It wasn't all painful, but it was all bittersweet to me. I hadn't realized how tonight would affect me.
When I was all cried out, I wiped my face and marched slowly up the stairs, trying to catch my breath. My apartment was warm despite it's emptiness. I let the feeling of heat tingle up through my limbs. I decided tonight was a good night for a bath.
Hot water, steam, haziness, sleepy eyes. Calm. More tears. Thank you's to whoever was out there watching over me. A silent prayer for each kid I met tonight...their families, the Cullens, my Dad, Sue...
...and Edward. More than ever before...Edward.
When I slipped into bed that night, I surrounded myself in warm fleece and breathed in the comforting scent of my cotton pillow case. My head was full, my heart was too. But I couldn't do anything about it right now. I could only live one day at a time. I could only hope that maybe I would start to realize why I was still here. What my purpose was.
And if Edward was part of that.