Pain, Love & Ohana
Chapter 2
a/n: while some may think it is a moot point or non-issue that the therapist came to 5-0 about Chin's missed apt—I can assure you, that despite the fact it saved his life...breaking a patients confidentiality, esp. in the mental health profession, is a serious breach of protocol with today's HIPPA privacy laws...I should know—teachers are bound by similar laws, and my husband has worked in the insurance field for 20 years...which is probably why this story/chapter came to me...
...Hawaii 5-0...
Dr. Palmer stood in the doorway of her patients room and quietly observed the man she had been treating for the last few months...wondering if she even had the right to call him her patient anymore—to even be here.
If he didn't want her as his therapist anymore she would accept that...try to find him someone else he would be comfortable with...that he could trust.
Despite her personal misgivings and uncertainty, the Lt. was her patient, and she had a responsibility to follow up; especially in light of the new insight she had been given over the last several days. She couldn't help a brief smile as she recalled the new visitors to her office over the last several days; felt a sense of relief and hope at the outpouring of concern and love, the willingness to do whatever it took to help the man in the hospital bed.
Giving a quiet sight, she tapped lightly on the door frame, drawing the man from his absent gaze out window, "Chin...how are you doing?"
She couldn't help feeling a small amount of relief at seeing his gentle, but tired, smile as he sat up straighter, "Dr. Palmer...come in..."
"I came to see how you were feeling...see what I could do to help...," Dr. Palmer asked tentatively as she came into the room and stood at the end of the bed.
"Doc's say I'm healing fine...should get out of here tomorrow..." he replied flatly, as he raised an arm a few inches off the bed to give a slight wave to indicate the room.
Dr. Palmer noted that Chin looked anywhere but at her, and she had to wonder at the irreparable harm to his 'mental' recovery this latest upheaval in his life was causing.
"That is good news..." the woman replied evenly, despite her growing concern.
Her experience with the man over the last several months taught her that while the man felt all things deeply...hate, love, fear; he kept those feelings tightly controlled—it had taken her weeks to peel back the layers, to see past the calm façade to the raging emotions he kept tightly guarded. So while she was, at this point, somewhat experienced in Chin Ho Kelley speak...had learned to note the subtle differences in his tone and expression, that clued her in to what he wasn't saying aloud during their sessions; she was concerned by the truly flat affect she was currently witnessing.
"Chin...we...we, really need to talk," Dr. Palmer stated.
Chin let his head fall back against his pillow as he gave a sigh, "...I'm really not up for a session right now, doc..."
"It's not about Malia...or about what has happened over the last several days," Dr. Palmer said, quickly amending when Chin raised his head and looked at her in surprise, "...I mean, yes, do I think you need to talk about it-eventually, when you've had a chance to process it..."
She paused for a moment as she watched the subtle tension drain from her patient's body before continuing, "I'm just not sure it can be with me..."
He quirked his head and looked at her in confusion, "...not with you? I don't understand...you're dropping me as a patient..."
She could hear the uncertainty in his voice, the questioning...even perhaps a bit of betrayal and she berated herself for not realizing he might misunderstand her intent.
"Chin...no, Chin, I'm not dropping you as a patient; I feel we've made some real progress...but..." she started to quickly explain only to be cut off by the man.
"Then why...?" he asked tightly.
"Because of what I did...because I breached the rapport and trust we had built that is so important in a patient's recovery..." she explained, "I can't treat a patient if they can't trust me to keep their confidences..."
"I don't understand...I do trust you..." Chin said in confusion.
"Chin...despite my worry...and without any proof of my misgivings when you missed out appointment...I went to your boss—your team..." Dr. Palmer said.
Chin snorted and shook his head, "I can hardly fault you on that one doc...it probably saved my life..."
"Yes...and I'm grateful that I could help...and if given the choice, I'd do it again..." the woman said, though Chin heard uncertainty in her voice.
"Then I don't understand...why do you think you did something wrong..." Chin asked.
"Chin I not only did something unethical—breaking a sacred trust between doctor and patient...I broke HIPPA laws..." she explained.
"To save my life..." he shot back.
Dr. Palmer sighed, knowing Chin didn't see the ramifications of her actions...
"Okay, let's try a different track..." she began to explain, "...suppose you had really decided to go to the north shore for a few days to think and be alone with your thoughts and I went to your boss with my concerns and they had come in all guns blazing...how would you have felt...how have you felt all these months; how much effort have you gone through to make sure your boss, your team, didn't find out you were seeing a counselor...despite my assurances to the contrary."
He furrowed his brow in thought; he hadn't thought of it that way—just so relieved someone knew something was amiss...that someone missed him. Then he scoffed to himself...'and whose fault is that...really...no one's but his own for keeping it from his team...his family...'
He realized then that he had set his team up to feel the same loss, the same anger, the same guilt; that he himself had been dealing with, alone, all these months.
Chin knew his team well enough to know, that if he had not survived his ordeal inside the prison, his team would have blamed themselves for not knowing something he had taken great pains to keep from them...for not finding him in time; and he knew they had no reason to suspect anything amiss because he had lied to them, lied to himself all these months.
No, it wasn't the doctor who was at fault...nor his team; it was himself, his uncertainties and feelings of anger at his inadequacies for failing to protect his wife and cousin, for playing into Delano's game...for not trusting his team—his ohana, to have his back.
He slowly nodded his head, finally saying, "...you know doc, your right..."
Saddened by his decision, but knowing she deserved no less, despite the outcome, Dr. Palmer nodded slowly, "if you'll allow me...I can recommend a few good therapists to continue your treatment..."
"No..." Chin stated.
"No...?" the doctor questioned, "please, Chin...you've made a lot of progress the last few months; don't give up on counseling because of me..."
Chin shook his head, "No, I'm not giving up...and I don't want another therapist...I want you if you'll keep me..."
"Are you sure...it would be detrimental to your progress if it is always in the back of your mind that I might again 'betray' your confidences..." the doctor asked slowly.
"There won't be any 'confidences' to betray doc...cause, you were right, I should have told them...should have trusted my team..." Chin stated.
"Meaning what exactly..." Dr. Palmer pressed gently.
"Meaning, I need to talk to them...tell them what's been going on with me these last few months," Chin replied, "I need to trust them..."
Dr. Palmer smiled, "I think that is a wonderful idea..."
...HAWAII 5-0...
a/n: so, I have some ideas floating around in my head about how the "conversations" might go between Chin and his team mates...just trying to decide if they should do it as a group or separately (I'm kinda leaning towards separately).