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"Alice, I'm not going to the fucking hospital tonight, I don't care how pretty you made it. I told you I'd give you a piece for the auction, but I'm not going."

"Are you sureeee?"

"Yes, for the thousandth time, I'm sure." I sighed, exasperated.

"I'm sorry, Edward...I had to try. It's just such a great event I thought maybe it might change your mind about hospitals. Maybe it would be good for you to see them in a new light."

I let out a slow breath, willing myself to calm down a bit. I was trying hard to be more aware of my tone of voice.

"Mom has the piece, Al. She'll bring it with the other auction items, okay?"

"Okay. I'll be thinking of you, Edward. We miss you ya know..."

"I know...I miss you too." I replied quietly.

I hung up the phone, and pinched the bridge of my nose, willing away a headache. It had been a long two weeks. I had dug myself into a pretty deep hole of self loathing recently and some how I wasn't finding my way out of it. I think I knew deep down it was my own cowardice that kept me here. But I was just...ashamed.

I'd ruined things with Bella. Big time.

The day she left me at the diner, I'd spent the rest of it pacing around my cottage angrily, trying to figure out what to do. I couldn't figure out whether or not to go after her, what I'd say, or if she'd even want to deal with me. A loud, dark, resounding part of me insisted she was better off without having to tolerate me and the baggage I clearly carried. Usually I was good at hiding that, but with Bella, I couldn't just pretend to be another person or have my shit together...she made me more vulnerable than I'd felt in a long time. She was unpredictable, curious, and already so deep under my skin.

I hated it. So much. It made me feel weak. Exposed. Raw.

But I wanted it too.

As that day at the diner had stretched on, the more time passed, the more I felt it was too late. Time had made my decision for me. I wasn't fucking happy with it, but I felt stuck. I let it all fall out of my hands.

But ever since then, I'd put myself through the ringer. I worked ceaselessly on the new collection for a gallery show in Seattle. I hadn't slept much, or eaten very well. I could not get Bella out of my mind. She showed up everywhere. On my canvas, in my dreams...I couldn't escape her. I'd had a few panic attacks as well - something that I hadn't happened quite so frequently in a while. The lack of sleep didn't help. When I did finally get in bed, I'd take a heavy dose of my meds to knock me out. It left me feeling like shit the next day, but it was the only way I could get myself to sleep for more than just a few consecutive hours.

I looked like utter crap. I hadn't shaved, the rings under my eyes had darkened. I was pale.

I thought I was starting to lose my mind up until Esme came to visit me about two days ago. As soon as I saw her I just deflated completely.

Her eyes fell on me as I opened the door and I could see the concern fill her expression. She didn't waste a minute before she was hugging me, checking my temperature and herding me into the kitchen.

Esme had this quiet, knowing way about her. She didn't ask me a million questions or bombard me with useless conversation to fill the quiet in my house. She simply sat me down at the kitchen island, wrapped an afghan from my couch around me and went about fixing us something to eat.

I felt so ashamed as I watched this woman care for me, as she always did. Unwavering compassion - that was Esme. As I had for the past two weeks, I replayed the awful things I had said to Bella, only imagining how disappointed Esme would be in me if she knew. I'd been a royal asshole.

I didn't have a ton of groceries in the house, but she managed to make something delicious out of what I had as usual. It ended up being some soup and grilled cheese. I could never make anything taste half as good as Esme's cooking. I felt like I was eating real food for the first time in months.

She sat across from me while we ate. We were silent for quite some time. I could feel her observing me closely, and when I heard her clear her throat, I knew that now she was ready to let me have it.

"This isn't healthy, Edward. You've got to take better care of yourself." she sighed. "I know how you get, tucked away in your work...but you have to sleep more. I can see it in your eyes."

I nodded, unable to argue with her.

"Is something else going on?"

I shrugged, not sure if I wanted to launch in to the story, let alone embarrass myself. I didn't want to tell her badly I'd fucked up with Bella.

"Is it...a girl?"

I took a bite of my grilled cheese and tried not to react. There was no fooling Esme.

"Is it Bella?"

I almost choked on the bite in my mouth. I inhaled a bit of bread crumbs and found myself coughing into a napkin, annoyed as I looked to see Esme simply smiling.

"How do you do that?" I asked once my throat had cleared.

"It's a woman's intuition." she replied. "That, and there are couple sketches of her lying on your coffee table in the living room."

She winked at me. I felt my face get hot. It was equal parts embarrassment and annoyance that I'd been figured out.

"You're really taken with her, aren't you?

"It doesn't matter. She probably hates my guts now."

"What? Why?"

"Are you kidding, Ma? Everyone knows I'm an ornery piece of shit half the time. It was inevitable that I'd fuck it up."

"Language."

"Sorry."

She took a deep breath, a sigh that was filled with sadness.

"Edward...when are you going to let yourself live again?"

I rolled my eyes instinctively. Esme had said this to me before, but it didn't mean anything to me then. But now that I'd met Bella...I knew she was right. I wasn't really living.

"Esme...it's just..."

"It's hard." she finished for me. "Guess what kiddo...this is life. It's going to be hard. I know you're still in a lot of pain. But if you want to move forward, to live the life your mother dreamed for you...you can't keep carrying this."

She had knocked the wind out of me with that. The life my mother dreamed for me...

"She wouldn't want you to be alone, Edward. To be angry, and cold. To shut out people who love you. Or to cut off even the possibility of love."

I felt my blood boiling under my skin. My head hurt.

"But it's because of ME she's dead! Goddamn...don't you get that? She should be here and because of me she's not! Because of ME..." I shouted. My voice rattled out the last words and a fresh wave of pain and regret washed over me.

"And that night on the balcony...What I did...he just - " I couldn't finish. I couldn't say it out loud. That night, after I came home from the hospital. After they told me she was dead...

I was a monster. But I had learned from the best. And I had punished him.

Hot tears pricked my eyes. I bit down on my lip, refusing to break completely.

Esme sat before me unwavering. Normally when I had one of my melt downs, she took the role of the comforter. You could see the empathy in her eyes. The sadness she felt for me and the helplessness that came with it. She'd tell me it wasn't my fault, she'd say what she could to get me to calm down.

But today, that Esme wasn't here.

I felt myself stiffen as I found her eyes. They looked hard, set, determined...even a little pissed. I'd never seen Esme pissed. Even when I was a complete dick she'd never gotten pissed with me.

When she finally spoke, her voice was calm but steely.

"Edward Masen, that is a lie you've been telling yourself since the first day he hit her. Ever since you were little you've been blaming yourself. Her death was just another moral debt you've made up for yourself. Your father was not well. Even if you wanted to make sense of his behavior, you couldn't. That night on the balcony...it wasn't your fault either. He was sick. You were angry. You'd lost so much. You were sixteen, Edward. Sixteen!"

It became quiet. The only sound was our ragged breathing, both of us exasperated in a sense. This had never been easy for me to talk about.

"You have GOT to stop punishing yourself. 9 years ago you were a different boy. Now you need to be the man I know Elizabeth raised you to be. Carlisle and I would be happy to pay for more therapy...you've been away from it for a while."

"I don't want to talk to some fucking shrink..."

"Well you need to talk to someone about it." she said, her voice laced with a suggestion.

"Who, Bella? I think I've already fucked that over enough. And what would she think of me? She already thinks I'm an asshole, I don't need to add murderer to the list of my shining qualities."

"Shame on you, Edward." she scolded. "You assume too much about Bella. You won't even give her a chance to get close to you because you are so sure you already know what she thinks. Give the woman her right to think for herself! I have a feeling she'd surprise you. I don't know her whole story yet, but I do know that she's special. She has an old soul. Whatever she's been through...don't be so quick to write her off. She hasn't done that to you - despite your behavior."

I exhaled shakily. She was right. Even at the diner, she'd still left me her number. A life line so to speak.

Esme's eyes softened as she looked at me.

"There's this thing about good people, Edward. No matter what, you just can't give up on a good person. Have you noticed that none of us have given up on you? Not even Bella, who has only just met you. You aren't a murderer, you aren't a monster, you aren't a bad person. If that is who you truly were, would we still be here? Loving you? Helping you? People make mistakes - we ALL do. But our flaws do not make up who we are. You are letting you past define you." she paused for a moment.

"Maybe if you allow yourself a small bit of happiness...love, even. Maybe you will realize that the future is hopeful and start moving towards it. I'm not saying that its easy, or that you won't feel pain. But you need to give yourself a chance. You owe that to not only yourself, but your mother. And even your father. He was sick, but I believed...and I still do believe that he loved you."

A lump formed in my throat and I winced.

"He did. Before things went wrong, before he lost it...you were his pride and joy. Pain can do immeasurable things to the mind, Edward. If you wallow in it long enough, it will consume you. It consumed him. Don't let it happen to you too. You are NOT your father."

I felt hot wetness streak down both of my cheeks. Esme's eyes with full and glassy, but her gaze was filled with conviction. She needed me to hear this.

She rose from her seat at the table and came around to where I sat on my stool. Her arms wrapped tightly around my head and shoulders, pulling me into her. I held on to her tightly, letting myself break.

Just fucking break.

She never let go of me. As my shoulders shook with sobs that I'd withheld for far too long, she kissed my head, rocking me slightly.

"It's okay...it's okay..." she whispered. I could feel her emotions welling up just as mine were. But she was a pillar of strength. Though her eyes were wet when I pulled away, she did not cry out.

When I felt myself begin to calm down, I sucked in deep breaths of air. I wiped my swollen eyes and gave Esme a weak smile.

"There's my boy." she said, cupping my cheek lovingly. "Now, tell me what happened with your girl."

I had to laugh out loud at that. Her curiosity and timing were humorous and admittedly kind of adorable. I knew Esme really liked Bella. I reluctantly told her about Bella returning my wallet, and the disastrous breakfast the next day.

She winced as I told her the awful things I'd said, but I could tell she knew my remorse.

"So, it's been almost two weeks since you've seen or talked to her?"

I nodded, embarrassed.

"I just...I just don't know what to do. How to fix it. I don't know..."

"Well, you could start with an apology." she said, raising an eye brow at me. "Did you know she'll be at the benefit? Alice asked her to do the arrangements."

"I told Alice I wasn't going. It's just...you know hospitals are hard for me."

"Perhaps this is the first thing you can challenge yourself with. It's time to move forward, baby. Maybe this can be your first baby step in the right direction. I'll let you take it at your own pace, it's just a suggestion."

I mulled it over in my head, but didn't speak further on the subject.

"Come, let's see what you've got for the auction." Esme said, successfully changing the subject and relieving the pressure I was feeling.

I brought her upstairs. Esme was one of the few people I let see my work. She had been the one to get me started after all. It still made me nervous. As soon as we got to the studio door I could feel my ears turning red. I had quite a few pieces done - several of which were unmistakably Bella Swan.

"Oh..." I heard Esme whisper. "Edward...these are beautiful."

I was beginning to get uncomfortable. I didn't usually show up to my own gallery shows because I was always crazy nervous seeing people observe my work. I'd deliver my pieces and leave, letting Mac handle the technicals.

"Uh... yeah. Well, I - I, uh...I gotta let Bosley out. You can go ahead and pick whichever one you want."

I raked my hands through my hair nervously as I went down the stairs, leaving Esme to pick the piece. Bosley had been napping by the fire, but immediately perked up when he saw me.

I threw on a flannel and stepped out onto the porch, whistling once for him.

I watched his tail wag as he marched down the steps and disappeared into the woods a bit. The cold air was slicing through my head. I needed to sleep. My eyes were feeling tight, swollen.

I sat down on the swing, hissing as I felt my ass begin to freeze. Some how though, the cold calmed me down. Focused me.

I knew I wanted Bella. Could I really do this? ...Try? Would she want me back?

My mind wandered to Esme's words. To the life my mother would have wanted me to live. To my fucked up father... how could he have ever loved me?

You don't love someone like that.

You don't love someone by beating them with a cotton sock filled with iron nails.

I winced at the memory but was pulled to the present by the swinging front door. Esme had her coat and shoes on, and a neatly wrapped painting in her hand. She walked over to me and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek.

"Thank you, Edward." she said genuinely. "I hope I see you there. One step at a time okay? You're going to be alright."

She ran her thumb down my cheek once before leaving the porch and heading around to my side driveway.

I whistled once for Bosley and headed inside, shivering a little with the cold. I started a fire in my fire place and then burrowed into the couch. Bosley joined me, cuddling up close. My eyes felt heavy and my mind begged for peace I felt like I was always chasing.

It wasn't long before I was fast asleep. No dreams, no nightmares, just quiet.

That was two days ago. Tonight was the benefit.

I wasn't going. I wasn't. I just told Alice I wouldn't, again. I had been seriously considering Esme's challenge to me...but the anxiety that came with it was overwhelming.

I had talked myself into out and out of it about a million times today.

Not only was I extremely hesitant to go to a hospital, I also knew Bella would be there. That alone scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to ruin her night. Or anyone's night. I didn't want to fuck this up again, even though I knew my stupid ass would probably find a way any how.

It was getting dark out and I knew the event would start soon.

Maybe I'd go late. Maybe I'd just catch the end. Maybe it would just be better to stay home.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I let the clock run down. My keys were in my hand, then on the counter, then I hung them back up, then I grabbed them again, fiddling with them in my fingers.

The sky got darker. I knew that the benefit was well into motion by now.

Why bother?

This is stupid.

Just go.

I can't.

You have to.

I found stupid little things to do around the house. Anything to justify staying home. I cleaned my studio, I made my bed. I threw in a load of laundry. I even organized my fridge.

What the fuck...

It was now around eleven. I was running out of time, the benefit was almost over.

Go.

Just fucking be a man and go.

I let out a growl as I grabbed my jacket and stormed out the front door. Locking it behind me, I practically ran to the car, forcing myself to get in it before I changed my mind.

"Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit..." I muttered, speeding off into the night toward Riverdale Memorial Hospital.

I knew Riverdale was nothing like St. Mary's in Forks, but hospitals in general put me on the edge. I struggled to even go to the local clinic for a physical. When I got sick, I downed my vitamins and cough medicine to drown out the illness. I'd rather suffer at home than sit in a doctor's office.

I was not looking forward to this.

Would Bella really be there? It was late...did she go home already? Maybe she was tired. Or maybe she decided not to go...

The drive felt like hours. So many times I thought about turning around. I just had to put myself on autopilot to get there.

Stop thinking, Edward.

When I arrived, I pulled into the parking garage, noticing as people began filtering out the doors. Everyone was well dressed, happy, holding hands as they searched for their cars in the garage. Their voices echoed against the concrete.

I parked my car across the from the entrance, watching a few groups of people leave before finding the courage to get out of the car.

I watched my breath turn into a frosty cloud in front of me as I walked towards the entrance doors, passing by concrete columns as I went.

I froze when I saw Bella's face appear, coming out of the glass entrance. Two people were with her, an older man and woman. I regarded her face carefully. She looked...she looked tired, she looked like she might cry. Her smile was a weak one. I came closer along the side of the side entrance. But I couldn't let her see me. I stayed behind a concrete pillar, listening for her voice and feeling like a coward.

I tuned my ears in closer to the sounds coming from the door. It was like I just needed to hear her. Was she okay? Did these last two weeks exhaust her as they had me?

I realized in that moment that I missed her. I'd only just begun to know her...and I had missed her.

Did she...did she miss me?

"Fantastic night, Bella." came the voice of the older man she was with. "We are very proud of you. And your friends."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm so glad I got to see you tonight. I've missed you."

Her voice sounded exhausted, sad. So these were her parents? I peaked around the corner to get a look. Her father's back was to me, but I could see the other woman. She didn't look like Bella's mother. She had darker skin and hair, her features completely different.

I watched them embrace each other before the couple left, walking to the other side of the garage. I listened for Bella, waiting to hear foot steps and the door, signaling she had gone inside. Instead I heard nothing. Just a deep breath.

When the silence continued, my curiosity became too much. I looked around the pillar again. Bella's back was to me now, she was watching her parent's car disappear.

I took a moment to notice the little dress she was wearing. She was a little thing, really. But the subtle feminine curve in her body was unmistakeable and undeniably sexy. Even spent, she looked like a painting.

I saw her shoulders rise and fall as if she were taking her time, breathing in just I had done so many times today, trying to calm down.

I barely had time to duck behind the pillar again as her head turned, looking behind her. I didn't think she had seen me, but I held my breath just in case.

When I heard her shoes click and the door swing and shut, I let that breath out.

I was wound tight.

I stood out in the cold only for a few more minutes, trying to amp myself up to go inside. To test myself. Just go inside and then leave, that's it.

That would be my fucking baby step for the day and then I'd go the hell home. And beyond that, I wanted to see Bella again. Seeing her was driving me to go inside.

I pulled my hood up over my head, hoping that I could see her without her seeing me.

Just get in, and then get out.

The horrid, chemical, sterile smell I was expecting to hit me in the face as I walked in the door, never came.

Instead it smelled fucking delicious. I followed the smell, getting through the lobby and to the cafeteria doors. I stayed close to the walls, trying to disappear impossibly under the fluorescent lobby lights.

Slowly, the tell tale characteristics of hospitals appeared. The damn pale blue color on the wall...the glass reception desk...scrubs. Someone crying loudly down the hall.

I hated this. Where the fuck was this shindig anyway...?

The smell of catered food became stronger as I followed the signs to the cafeteria. The double doors were closed, but they each had a galley window to see through. I decided I'd scope out the scene before trying to go inside.

I lifted my face to the small square glass panel.

I had to admit I was impressed. Alice had outdone herself. The place looked amazing.

My breath caught in my throat as my eyes found Bella, her back turned towards me, buried in Esme's arms. Esme held a loving look on her face, a comforting air, just as she had with me only days ago.

Then, as if she knew I was there, Esme's eyes met mine, her arms still surrounding Bella.

Her eyes widened just slightly at the sight of me and she smiled.

She used her pointer fingers to gesture me to her. Instinctively I shook my head no. I couldn't...I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to talk to Bella and it looked like she wasn't in any shape to deal with me and my bullshit tonight.

Esme closed her eyes once in understanding. Her mouth formed silent words to me I knew Bella couldn't hear.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward."

I felt the lump in my throat return. I nodded once at her and waved before booking it out of there.

I went past the lobby again, trying not to freak as I saw a few patients being walked by nurses, IV bags swaying from their rolling stands.

The lights. The damn lights. I hate fluorescents.

I shot out of the entrance and back into the parking garage, moving quickly to my car. Once I had whipped the door open and jumped inside, I rested my head against the steering wheel, trying to catch my breath.

Don't panic, don't panic.

Breathe.

There was a silence that enveloped me in my car, allowing only the sound of my ragged breathing to fill it. I focused on my lungs, inhaling, exhaling, the feel of the cold steering wheel against my clammy forehead.

It was a good ten minutes before my breathing was anywhere close to normal. I was pulled from my daze by the sound of car doors opening and closing.

Across the way from me, I watched Bella climb into Jake's truck alongside another young woman. Tall, then, olive skin, features similar to Jake's. She might be from the Res.

Before I knew it, I was following the truck back into town, keeping a safe distance. My curiosity was going to get me in trouble. But I wanted to know that Bella got home okay. I wanted to talk to her. To apologize. Or just hide in my car some more.

Goddamn I'm such a creep.

I turned my lights off as our cars came to Bella's street, parking on the corner on the opposite side of the street, away from their vehicle. I watched Bella's petite little frame appear from the truck, turning to say a few words and say good bye.

I let my car roll up slowly when Jake's truck disappeared, watching her open her door and step inside. I expected to watch her disappear up her stairs and into the dark, but she didn't. I held my breath as I watched her, wondering why she didn't leave the front of the shop.

Her back was pressed against the glass shop window of her front door. I saw her hand come to her face and couldn't figure out what she was doing. Was she tired? Was she sick again like that night at Eclipse? I unbuckled my seat belt reflexively, unsure if I should see if she was alright.

I didn't realize until I saw her shoulders trembling that she was crying. She was crying hard.

It was almost a complete shock to me to see her so upset. She'd been the most light hearted person I'd met. Kind, funny, assertive, understanding. Even when she had to deal with me, she was still solid. Stable. Firm.

But it was clear to me now that Bella could be just as haunted as I was. I wanted so badly to know what had happened to her. What illness plagued her as a child. I wanted to know what had made her cry tonight.

But if I was honest, what I really wanted right now was to hold her. I could do that couldn't I? I could be there for someone.

Bella made me want to do that. To be the one she could depend on.

But I couldn't move. My hand was frozen on the door handle, watching her tremble and cry behind her glass door. I wouldn't bring her any peace tonight. Not with the way things were left between us. I had to fix things first. And tonight was not the night to bring Bella anymore stress.

And if I was honest, I knew tonight had been fucking rough on my nerves. I wasn't in the right place to do anything tonight.

But my chest hurt as I watched her. I wanted to make it right.

I watched her until she finally shut her lights off and disappeared up the stairs. I let out a long breath, hearing the sound of it rattle in the silence of my car.

I closed my eyes for a minute and pretended. I wasn't me. I was...better. And Bella loved me. And this new me would have been waiting for her tonight when she got home. I would have wrapped myself around her. I would know how to comfort. How to trust. How to be what she needed.

She was alone. She was sad and she was alone and I wanted her near me.

I raked my hands through my hair and felt my frustration itch beneath my skin.

Esme's words rang in my mind. Maybe I could do this. I could try to live again. Really live.

I saw her apartment windows light up and knew Bella was safe upstairs. I needed to go home. I needed to think. I needed to sleep.

I was numb most of the ride home. I walked through my front door like a damn zombie, only attentive enough to say hello to my dog and then drag myself upstairs.

Luckily, I fell asleep without too much struggle. My body and my mind were worn out from my anxieties. But as I laid back into the cotton sheets, the last thought on my mind was Bella, and the one lingering hope that tomorrow would be a new day. For both of us.

Bear with me guys! We'll see some progress next chapter and our two love birds will get some face time I promise :) Review and I'll get it to you as fast as I can!