Pain, Love & Ohana
Chapter 3, "Steve"
a/n: okay, not a licensed psychiatrist so if the therapy sessions are a little off—deal, it's a work of fiction! I'm just basing it on what I've experienced with my own kids & the multitude of mental health professionals I've had to deal with over the last fifteen years!
a/n: now, I hope I can pull this off and the characters won't seem too OOC...I'm trying to get two uptight, reticent men to open up in a psychiatrist's office... 'nough beeon more m on more thansaid!
...Hawaii 5-0...
Dr. Palmer noted, on her visits to her patient and the several discussions she had had in private with the individual members of the team, that the concerns hanging over the 5-0 team for the entire week that Chin was in the hospital were starting to put a stain on all of them...clearly recognizing the "A" personality types that made up the 5-0 team she knew they showed remarkable restraint in not confronting the injured man: but that was set to change shortly, as Chin was due to be released from the hospital the following morning.
"So, have you decided who you want to speak with first," Dr. Palmer asked.
Giving a heavy sigh, Chin replied, "Honestly, no...but, I need to start somewhere..."
"Well...then how about answering this question...do you want to tackle this on a personal or a professional level first...?" Dr. Palmer asked.
Chin raised his brow, slowly shaking his head, "they're my co-workers, but they are also my friends...I don't know if I can separate it like that..."
"Well, you have to have the mandatory three sessions to be recertified for the field, so let's go with professional and see what happens..." Dr. Palmer suggested.
Chin was thoughtful for a moment before slowly nodding his head, "Good a place as any to start...that means I should talk to Ste...Commander McGarrett first then..."
"So when do you want to set up that appointment...the longer you put this off the harder it will be..." the woman prodded her patient gently.
"I guess whenever Steve can make it," Chin shrugged, "if he'll even come..."
"Why would you think he wouldn't come...?" the doctor asked curiously, "...isn't Commander McGarrett your friend...I thought you two had a history...?"
One of the things she had been digging for in his months with her was her patients reasoning, to find to the root of why this caring, compassionate man lying in that bed insisted on keeping everything locked inside-that he couldn't reach out and rely on those he considered friend. She knew for a fact that Chin's fears were unfounded: had already spoken to Commander McGarrett on more than one occasion over the past week and knew of the commander's strong need to do whatever it took to help his friend.
"He's a good friend...it's just...he's not a real open and sharing kinda guy, plays things close to the vest..." Chin explained with a shrug.
Silently agreeing with the police Lt., after seeing the Commander skillfully sidestep around any issue that got too close to his own walls; she none the less knew that to help his friend, the commander would face his own demons if it helped Chin face his.
Still sensing Chin's reluctance, Dr. Palmer quirked an eyebrow at her patient, "Seems like a familiar trait of this team...maybe it just takes one person brave enough to take the first step, be the first person to open up...you'd be surprised what people are willing to share when they feel safe...so, I guess before you proceed you need to ask yourself if you feel safe enough with these people, your team, to open up to them..."
Chin looked up at the doctor sharply, "they're like family to me...I trust them with my life..."
"But-do you trust them with your soul—with what makes you-you...?" Palmer countered.
Chin furrowed his brow, his lips pressed in a thin line as he considered the doctors words...it was one thing to say he was going to talk to his team, it was another to actually go through with it.
Taking Chin's phone off the side table, Dr. Palmer held it out to him, "You won't know until you ask..."
Chin stared at his phone in the woman's outstretched hand, making no move to take it.
Giving it a small wave, Palmer asked pointedly, "Are you afraid he'll say no...or, is it you're more afraid the Commander will say yes...?"
Meeting the doctor's eye for a moment, Chin gave another heavy sigh and slowly reached for the phone.
...hawaii 5-0...
Chin couldn't help the surprise he felt when Steve not only readily agreed, but wanted the appointment set up as soon as possible; and if Chin were to really think about the conversation he would almost say he heard relief in Steve's voice: but then, Steve was all about 'taking the bull by the horns'—facing things head on. Maybe his team was feeling as off balance as he was; and that thought alone made Chin more determined to get things out in the open with his team.
The doctor watched a thoughtful look cross her patients face as he ended the call and dropped his hands in his lap, "Everything all right?"
"Yeah, sure...uh...tomorrow, at 3—since I already had an appointment scheduled..." Chin asked.
Nodding, Palmer agreed, "tomorrow at three it is..."
...hawaii 5-0...
Chin stepped out of the taxi in front of the building that housed Dr. Palmer's office, scanning the area and noting Steve's blue truck in the parking lot across the street; somehow surprised, yet not, that the Navy SEAL would not only show up, but show up early—no doubt to scout the perimeter, secure his position or any of that other military mind-set that Steve functioned in.
As he rode the elevator to the fourth floor he grew tenser, and when the doors parted on his floor he merely stood staring down the long hallway, reluctant to leave the elevator.
"Sir...sir..." a voice startled him out of his reverie.
"Huh...oh, sorry..."
"Is this your floor...are you alright..." the woman asked.
"Oh, yeah, fine..." he answered quickly, practically jumping from the elevator.
The woman stared at him a moment more, before releasing the door button and allowing the doors to close.
Chin watched the elevator doors close; shaking his head and running a hand through his short hair, telling himself sternly, 'get a hold of yourself, Chin Ho Kelley...you're just going to talk to a friend...' then he shrugged and rolled his eyes, 'yeah, right...you're going to talk to your friend-your old partners son and now your boss...in a psychiatrists office...nothing at all uncomfortable about that, after all..."
He was just turning to face the walk down the hallway when the door at the end of the hall opened and none other than Steve McGarrett stepped into the hallway, "Chin, there you are buddy...you're late..."
Chin looked at his watch and just shook his head in quiet exasperation, six minutes past three...but to the military man it might has well been six hours.
Walking up the hallway, Chin just smirked, "It's barely five after Steve...I had to call a cab—doc won't let me drive yet..."
"What...a cab...I coulda' picked you up," Steve exclaimed, "Kono could have dropped you off; I thought she picked you up at the hospital?"
"She did...and I told her I wanted to rest this afternoon...she thinks I'm home sleeping..." Chin explained, stopping in front of the man, giving his friend the first honest answer in months, "I really didn't feel up to getting into all this with her andwith you today..."
With a small nod Steve took the admission without comment, and stepped aside and let Chin enter the office first.
The police Lt. noted the empty waiting room and quirked a brow.
"Doc cleared her schedule for the rest of the day..." Steve commented.
With a sigh, Chin rubbed at the back of his neck and muttered uncomfortably, "is that a good thing or a bad thing that she thinks we might need the rest of the afternoon..."
Chin felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into the determined face of his friend, "Whatever it takes...whatever you need Chin, you got it; from me, from Danny, from Kono...we're ohana, brah...don't forget that..."
Patting the hand resting on his shoulder, Chin gave a small smile, "I know that now, brah...and I'm sorry..."
A surprised look crossed Steve's face, "sorry...sorry for what...?"
"Gentlemen..." a voice interrupted, before Chin could answer Steve's query, "perhaps this conversation would be better had in my office and not in the middle of my waiting room..."
Unbeknownst to either man the inner office door had opened and Dr. Palmer stood in the doorway quietly watching the exchange between the two men, impressed that they needed little prompting to begin to get things out in the open; seeming to start without her...
"Hey doc...found him..." Steve commented, as he turned Chin around and rested his hands on the man's shoulders, gently propelling him into the doctor's office.
Chin just shook his head, "I wasn't lost..."
If the two men took a little longer than was really necessary to settle into seats in her office, Dr. Palmer chose not to openly acknowledge it—rather watching where they chose to sit.
She noted that Chin walked right in and took his usual seat, while the commander stood just inside the doorway, doing a quick 'perimeter' sweep with his eyes before settling in a chair next to Chin in a show of silent support.
"So Chin, how are you feeling today...you were discharged...?" the doctor commented, looking to the man for confirmation.
"Doc's let me out about ten thirty this morning...have another week of bed rest then another of restricted duty," Chin stated, turning to Steve he continued, "...before I'm cleared for...active duty?"
Hearing Chin's questioning tone, Steve looked at him in confusion, asking, "Is there some reason you wouldn't be cleared for duty? Is something wrong?"
Steve then looked towards the doctor, his tone accusing, "Is there some reason he won't be cleared for duty?"
"Not from my end..." Dr. Palmer said with a slight shake of her head, asking her patient, "...did your doctor say something, Chin?"
"No, everything is healing fine..." Chin stated.
"Then what's the problem...doc's say you're good to go..." Steve asked impatiently.
"I'm the problem..." Chin finally said with a sigh.
"You...?" Steve questioned, turning to look at his friend, "Chin, buddy, I don't understand what's going on with you...but I want to help; but you gotta help me out here...I don't know what I need to do to fix this?"
Chin just shook his head sadly, "It's not something you can fix, Steve..."
"Then how can I help...what do you need from us..." Steve asked, adding reticently, "why didn't you tell us you were having such a rough time of it these past few months?"
Shooting the doctor a slightly apologetic look, Steve asked pointedly, "Why didn't you come to us—'we're your family'; we'd do anything to help you out buddy—all you had to do was say something. You could have asked us for anything..."
Chin's brow furrowed and he sighed deeply, looking towards Dr. Palmer who simply nodded, "Chin, the whole point is to get it out in the open...tell, the commander what you told me..."
"What...?" Steve demanded, looking between this friend and the doctor.
Chin pulled in and released a deep breath, running his hands down his thighs before meeting his friend's open, concerned face, "You didn't..."
"I didn't...I didn't what...?" Steve asked in confusion.
Turning away from the confusion in his friends face, Chin got up from his chair and walked to the window, looking out past the buildings to the ocean several blocks over, finding some small solace in the crashing waves.
Steve looked between his reticent friend and the doctor, growing more impatient and concerned as the silence dragged on in the room.
Sitting up straighter in his chair, and leaning forward, he asked, "Chin...what is it; what didn't I do...?"
Turning to meet his friends worried scowl, Chin intoned quietly, "You didn't lose it...you; when John was-murdered...you did what had to be done...you were so focused on finding your dad's killer...finding Hess...moving on..."
Steve just shook his head, "Oh, Chin, buddy...please don't compare yourself to the messed up way I handled my dad's case...just ask Danno, I was a loose cannon..."
"All those months, I kept waiting for you to say something...to come to me, let me help you through John's death..." Chin just turned away, shaking his head, "...maybe it was just me that needed to put the past to rest...I don't know. But, then so much happened...life kept going...the need to talk pushed further and further back..."
Now it was Steve's turn to look away, "it had been so long...I didn't think...I mean, finding Hess, finding out about Wo Fat...there was so much to do...I didn't think, didn't want to...so much time had passed—I wasn't that confused, angry sixteen year old anymore...I didn't think I could..."
Settling his gaze on his friend, and quirking an eyebrow, Chin intoned thoughtfully, "...could what, Steve...'burden' your team...talk to your team—to me?"
Steve just shrugged sheepishly as Chin continued quietly, "And then the case with Delano...it was over...we caught him, but for me it just wasn't enough...I just couldn't move on..." 'like you did'... left unspoken but understood.
Before Steve could comment, Chin continued with a shake of his head, "...and there was still so much going on...with your mom...Danny and Gracie, even Kono still seeing Adam...and with Wo Fat still being out there; and you...the team, we just needed to kept going forward..."
Steve looked up at his friend, "Chin...that didn't make what you were going through...what you were feeling, any less real, any less important to us..."
Chin nodded absently and after another moment continued in his usual dulcet and quiet tone, "This team...this task force, it means everything to me Steve. The chance it gave me...that you gave me; to get back into police work...: you hadn't been back to the island in years...had no idea what had gone down at HPD...and you didn't care..."
Seeing Steve about to protest, Chin held up a staying hand, "that's not how I meant it. I meant that you believed me...you extended your trust to me on my word alone...on our history...it had been a long time since anyone had trusted me...I couldn't let down that kind of trust and commitment to the team..."
Looking at the doctor in confusion, then looking towards Chin, Steve commented, "Chin, buddy, I'm still not following you here...I trust you, I've always trusted you...my dad trusted you...the team trusts you..."
Suddenly angry, Chin whirled on his friend, "Well, you shouldn't...I'm weak...everything I do; everyone around me—I fail them somehow..."
Steve sat, shocked by the vehemence behind his friend's words, in all the years he had known the man; he had never heard...or seen, such strong emotion come from the Hawaiian. He continued to stare as Chin began to pace angrily.
"Your dad...Auntie...Uncle...getting caught by Hess; and my Malia...Malia's dead, and Kono; I can't even begin to wrap my head around nearly getting my baby cousin killed—god, if it hadn't been for Adam..." Chin continued to rage.
Steve finally snapped out of his stunned silence, jumping up to block Chin's pacing and grabbing the man by the shoulders, "Chin you handled things the best you could...the best anyone could; you never thought about the consequences to yourself...it was always what was best for your family..."
"Really...I don't think so, not anymore. You...despite everything, you brought Hess in...Wo Fat: but I killed him Steve...he wasn't fleeing, he was down...his weapon wasn't pointing at me...I murdered a man in cold blood..." the outburst left the older man breathless and weak, and he fell out of Steve's grasp and into a nearby chair, totally spent.
Dr. Palmer sat back quietly, this was a critical moment for her patient...maybe even for the commander himself...Chin needed to know he had Steve's trust...both on a personal, as well as a professional level: and on some level, the commander needed the same assurances from his old friend.
Steve eyed his friend critically for a moment, and Dr. Palmer could almost see the struggle behind the commander's eyes as he struggled to pull thoughts and words together that would help his friend.
Steve stooped down in front of his friend, "Chin...buddy...my time with the SEALS-I've...I've had to do a lot of things...a lot of things I'm not proud of. Things that give me nightmares, even now; and I've...I've killed men...half of them I have no idea why...except that it was my orders...those men—those targets, meant nothing to me...I had no idea who they were...if they had families..."
Chin looked up to meet his friend's haunted gaze, reaching out to rest a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder, "Steve..."
Steve shook his head and intoned solemnly, "...but one kill I know was justified...it was Delano...everything he did...and after what his brother did...they proved they would have just kept coming...so that moment, despite the circumstance of those few seconds-was self-defense..."
Standing now, Steve waved his hands wide, "You my friend are the most honorable man I have ever met...everything you do, you do for your ohana...personal consequences be damned...and never, ever think that anything that is going on with you isn't important to us..."
Running a hand through his short cropped hair, "...when we found out you were missing...that Delano was involved...Chin, the thought that we wouldn't get to you in time..."
"I'm sorry Steve..." Chin intoned quietly.
"Don't be sorry...just remember, we're ohana...and no matter what is going on with anyone on the team, you can always come to us...with anything..." Steve said pointedly.
Dr. Palmer eyed the two men with a critical eye as the two men traded quiet looks with one and other, both looking beyond exhausted by the outpouring of pent up emotion.
After another quiet moment, she asked quietly, "Gentlemen...?"
The two men traded another look; Steve's uncertain and pensive while Chin's was reserved and thoughtful.
Steve smiled unabashedly as Chin nodded slowly toward the younger man.
Chin stood and faced the younger man he had known since the boy was a teen and smiled, "and just so you remember, Steven McGarrett...ohana is a two way street, brah..."
/./././ HAWAII 5-0 /./././
a/n: damn, that was hard...no doubt Danny's will be harder, so it will be awhile...