Sosorryaboutthedelay,friends.Iliterallyjustfinishedmycollegecareerthismorning.Amazingtofinallybedone!Hopeyouforgivemeformylateness.Imadethischapteralittlelongertomakeupforit!Enjoy :)
"Jake, you can't live on pop tarts. Put at least five of those boxes back." I laughed wearily, looking at his giant puppy eyes.
"But Bella, they have crazy ass flavors now. Ice cream sundae? For breakfast? You really want me to put that back? That shit is gold..." he defended, eyeing the assortment of pop tart boxes in his shopping cart.
He'd called me this morning complaining that Leah wasn't home and there was nothing to eat. He had a habit of turning into a whining three year old when he wasn't fed.
His phone call had woken me from a deep sleep. My eyes were stilly a little puffy from my melt down last night. My sleep had been restless. I couldn't remember most of what I'd dreamt, but Edward was there. I'd felt him.
When I woke my eyes started to brim again, mad at myself that I'd let him get so deep under my skin. Mad that any happiness between the two of us that I'd seen in my dreams was not real. It wasn't real. The emptiness in my apartment had overwhelmed me when I woke, driving home the point that I really was alone. Jake's phone call, however early it may have been, was welcomed. I needed to get out, I needed to be with people. I needed to not be thinking.
I told Jake if he drove me to the grocery store I'd help him shop. I'd needed to stock up on a few things anyway.
My mood had lightened as soon as I hopped in his truck. The two of us called Angela on speaker phone to say hello. The sound of her voice coming through my cell phone immediately made me feel even better. Her and Jake had a witty banter between them that had me laughing in no time. When we said goodbye I thought to myself, get a grip, Bella. No one is more blessed than you. Stop complaining about things you don't have.
From then on, I'd been determined to be okay today. That was something I could manage. Right?
And here we were. Two silver carts, one me, and one over sized grumpy bear of a human being.
...And eight boxes of pop tarts in said bear's cart.
I rolled my eyes and led him over to the frozen section. Leah usually didn't get home until late and Jake would burn down the house if he tried to actually cook himself a meal that wasn't microwaveable. I felt for Jake, I really did. Not only was it Leah's first year at her new firm, but she was the youngest there, which meant she had to work extra hard to earn her reputation. I knew Jake missed her when she pulled late nighters - which was often - but he was as understanding as he could be, knowing this job meant everything to Leah and to their future. He often brought her lunch at work, trying to squeeze in extra time with her.
Being close to both of them I'd learned how much work goes into a relationship. Especially one with this kind of strain on it. Jake was trying so hard to give Leah the space she needed to succeed at her job, while missing her like crazy and trying not to make her feel guilty about being away so much. Leah was trying hard to do well but also to keep Jake her priority, afraid he would leave if she couldn't find a balance. They struggled through it just like any other couple but when it came down to it, the two of them would be lost without each other. If they could just get through her first year, the worst would be over. The finish line was in sight. January was only less than a month away. Come new years, I was convinced that Jake would be calling me to help him shop for a ring.
He was a good man. Although, at the moment, he was being a giant baby.
"I've been reduced to hungry man meals. Awesome." he groaned from beside me.
"Well, you are a man. And you are hungry. This is a logical decision." I winked, leaving him to decide for himself which frozen gourmet selections he'd like.
I wheeled my cart over to produce, loading up on fresh vegetables and fruit. I had a few recipes in mind to try out. I stocked up on whole grain bread and salmon, some almonds and some soy milk. I knew I looked like a health freak...but I knew better than most how much love and care a human body really needed.
That didn't mean I didn't enjoy things. My guilty pleasure was baking. I ate very well, and worked out almost everyday, but I wasn't about to deprive myself from enjoying a piece of perfectly moist chocolate cake. Life is short, after all. Didn't I know it.
Most of the time I didn't have many sweets in the house, but when the weekend came - it was time to bake. Especially when the weather turned colder. Today, being saturday, I wanted to find something especially delicious to make. I figured I'd send Jake home with some goodies and maybe even stop by Alice's house to drop off something sweet. She'd worked so hard last night at the benefit.
I picked up the items I needed and moved my now full cart towards the sound of the man child I came with.
"Bella! Bella! Come here!"
"I'm sorry, were you actually calling for me or just pretending to be a megaphone?"
"Shut up...look at this cart. How great did I do?" he looked at me smugly.
I looked down at his cart. Three boxes of pop tarts, two packages of Keebler cookies, about a dozen hungry man dinners, four frozen pizzas, a bag of chicken wings, a case of Red Bull and one singular bag of salad.
I snorted.
"What...I got salad."
I didn't even bother giving him shit about it, I just laughed and made my way to the registers. Leah would have fun with this when she got home.
Boys.
Jake helped me bring my groceries in from the cold when we returned to my building. It was just after Thanksgiving time now. I'd spent the holiday with Charlie and Sue back in Forks before the benefit. It was good to spend time together, but Thanksgiving had never been a huge holiday in my family. We were familiar with gratitude in ways that most weren't. That wasn't to say we were more thankful than other people. We had just realized earlier on that thanksgiving was everyday when you had a second chance at life. The actual holiday was basically for football and over-eating. Both of which I enjoyed in my father's living room before driving home to Riverdale. October and November had flown by, and now it was almost the very beginning of December. I couldn't believe it.
"Bells...are you gonna bake? Cause I don't think I'm leaving if you are going to bake." Jake said point blank.
I looked to see the cupcake ingredients in his hands while I was putting groceries away. He'd figured me out. I laughed and promised him some to bring home.
I was feeling rather numb this morning. The heaviness of last night had left my shoulders, but still lingered in my mind. Last night the hospital had overwhelmed me with as much guilt as gratitude. And it opened my eyes to the life I had in front of me now. This second chance. Was I to spend it alone? I hadn't realized how badly I'd needed to cry. It had been good for me as much as it had hurt. I needed to stop thinking about things that were out of my control right now and instead, focus on the things I could.
Like making the perfect cream cheese frosting for my pumpkin vanilla spice cupcakes.
Jake and I caught up while I worked in the kitchen. He was exactly what I needed. He told me hysterical stories about the guys at his garage. He was playful and happy. He had me in tears laughing. I felt the raw and tender part of me start to heal over a little bit at a time.
We watched Family Guy while my little apartment grew warm and cozy with the heat of the oven, filling it with the perfect seasonal smell of baking pumpkin. Not bad for a saturday morning.
Just as I was putting the last of the frosted cupcakes in a box for Jake, he got a call from the garage. He gave me an apologetic look, but I waved him off. It was alright. I couldn't expect him to spend all day with me. I was sad to see him go, but the sadness was quickly replaced with giggling at the sight of his face as I placed a warm bakery box in his hands. He lit up like a kid on Christmas. With a kiss on my forehead and about a million cupcake thank you's, Jake headed out.
I returned to my kitchen table, mixing another batch of batter to make another round of cupcakes. I grabbed a bakery box for Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett, and Carlisle and Esme too. They were on my mind today. I knew they were all wonderful people to begin with, but last night I'd seen even more of how beautiful and generous they all really were. They had put in a lot of work to make last night spectacular And it really was. They made me want to be a better, more giving person. If anyone deserved something sweet today, it was them.
I paused for a second, pulling out one more box.
Edward.
Well this is just silly.
I took a good few minutes to seriously contemplate delivering some cupcakes to him. I mean, cupcakes are pretty harmless. But then again...
No. No, Bella. He hasn't tried to contact you in weeks, he doesn't want your stupid cupcakes.
My ears perked at the sound of foot steps coming from outside my door, up the stairs. It was probably Jake. He was always begging for seconds when it came to baked goods. That box of cupcakes was probably already half gone...
A knock sounded at my door. I rolled my eyes as I went to open it.
"Jake, I gave you at least a dozen cup-" I started, already smiling at who I expected to be my goofball best friend.
But it wasn't him. I swallowed the words in my throat and froze. My fists were white knuckled around the door knob.
"Bella."
I was completely and utterly shocked, but I was staring into the dark green eyes that belonged to one, Edward Masen.
I knew I should probably say words. Something like 'hello' would have worked, but I was stunned to silence.
Edward looked beautiful as ever. I was beginning to really love his paint smattered work boots. He was dressed for the increasingly cold weather: jeans, flannel, a brown, beaten leather jacket, and a thick wool cowl wrapped around his neck. I studied his face. He looked uncomfortable as he stared back at me. I realized as he swallowed and cleared his throat once that he was nervous.
Nervous Edward was one I had yet to really experience.
"I, uh... I'm sorry I didn't call...uh...Jake let me in, I hope you don't mind..." he started to ramble a little, focusing his eyes on the door jam, then the floor, then me, then the floor once more.
I didn't really know what to say. All I knew was that my heart was in my throat at the mere sight of him standing in my door way. I had given up on a moment like this about a week ago. And now, here he was.
My head dipped a little as I moved out of the door way, hiding behind it just a little in order to silently invite him in.
I felt him hesitate only for a breath before coming inside.
Still no words came to me. I didn't know why he was here. I was finding it hard to breathe normally.
"It smells amazing in here..." he observed. He fidgeted a little, one hand in his pocket and the other playing with the zipper on the end of his jacket.
"Pumpkin vanilla spice cupcakes." I explained quietly.
He nodded once and it became quiet between us.
The silence was just about to become too much when he finally spoke.
"Um, so I noticed when I was driving by that the brick facade under your front shop window is kind of falling apart."
Really? That's what you came to say?
"Oh-w-well thanks for telling me. It's an old building, I guess it was bound to happen. I'll call someone about fixing it." I said, breathing out a sigh of disappointment. I didn't understand this. Why did he come here?
"I could do it for you." he said quickly. "I'm good at fixing things sometimes. I came in to see if you'd let me fix it."
My eyes widened in surprise. I tried to hide it and stay cool, but I had no idea what Edward was up to.
"You don't have to do that, Edward..." I started to say.
"Let me?" I finally locked eyes with him to see a pleading look on his face.
"Edward..."
With that, he let out a frustrated breath and took a step towards me.
"Please, Bella? Look, I know I'm an asshole okay? And I'm not good at this...I'm not good at apologizing...I know this is fucking dumb, I just -" he let out a sigh and said with a lowered voice. "Let me do this for you."
I blinked a few times as I looked at him. He was determined to do this. It was clear in his eyes. It was his way of making things right.
I was still uncomfortable letting him work on my building. Although I knew this was his way of apologizing, I didn't like letting people do things for me without something in return.
I studied him closely before answering.
"Okay." He visibly relaxed. "But I'll pay you for it." I said.
"Oh get off it, Bella." he brushed off my offer.
"Really, I will!"
"No." he responded, almost coldly.
He started to zip up his jacket and head towards my door. He was half way out to the stairs.
"At least let me feed you?" I offered, knowing that food was something I could definitely give.
He paused in the door way, turning to look back at me. He gave me a small nod and a crooked grin.
"I'll start Monday... if that's okay?" he asked shyly.
"Okay. Shop opens at 11 and closes at 5. Come by any time, really...it doesn't matter when..."
Stop talking, Bella. I could feel my cheeks grow pink. I was trying hard not to smile, to stay firm and make him work for my trust again. But my heart was swelling at the fact that he was even here...and that he would be here again...
I managed to keep my grin under wraps as I walked to the door way to see him off. In seconds my breath caught in my throat as Edward turned around quickly and took a step towards me. Now he was much closer to me, looking down into my eyes.
He stared at me for a moment, studying my face carefully. I was frozen in his gaze, breath held.
He finally put his head down, looking at the floor. Our noses were only about 6 inches away. When he spoke, his voice was so soft I almost didn't hear him.
"I'm sorry for the things I said, Bella. They were awful and I didn't mean them."
Though it was just two short sentences, and only a sound carried by his breath, when his eyes met mine again I could see I was getting the most genuine and sincere apology he could give. He looked like a lost boy. I softened a little, nodding once.
"I know." I said.
He gave me a weak, crooked smile and nodded his goodbye before disappearing down my stairs.
I stood frozen in my doorway until I heard the sound of his car leaving the curb outside. For all the moping I'd done the past few weeks, one good moment with Edward had me completely lifted. It frightened me only for a moment as I realized my happiness had become tied to him so quickly. But I couldn't find it in me to think about it for long. All I knew was that Monday I'd be seeing him again.
It'd taken him some time...but Edward came back. He came to find me.
I spent the rest of my saturday afternoon baking the last of the cupcakes and delivering them to the Cullens. I found myself smiling while I frosted and packaged, while I drove to Alice's house, to Esme's, to Rosalie's. They too, noticed my happy demeanor. Though they didn't ask, I knew Esme especially didn't need too. Being the closest to Edward besides Alice, she gave me a knowing look when she observed my smile. I couldn't help it. She gushed over my cupcakes, genuinely surprised to see me on her door step. I got another one of her famous hugs and wished them a happy weekend.
I spent Saturday night trying to figure out what to cook for Edward, what he would like best. I wanted badly to impress him.
Sunday seemed to drag by, leaving me bored out of my mind and searching for idle tasks to fill the time. By the time the sun set, my apartment was spotless, all my laundry was done, my shop was spic and span, my orders for the week were finished and I was strung out. I finally settled on bundling up for a run to work out my anxieties. It was the only thing that wore me out enough to sleep. After a solid hour of running, I came home, took a hot shower and fell asleep early at around nine.
When Monday morning came, I was up before my alarm. I spent much longer than usual finding something to wear, pulling out clothes from my closet in frustration. I wished Angela was with me. She'd know the perfect thing to wear. She always did.
I grabbed the phone and dialed her number. She answered on the third ring.
"Bewwa?" she answered. I could tell by the slurp noise she made after she said my name that there was most definitely a giant bite of food in her mouth.
"Swallow, Ang."
"I always do."
"You dirty..."
"Har har har. What's up?"
"Edward's coming over today. I have no idea what to wear..."
"Whoa whoa whoa. He's coming over? He made contact!"
"Yeah, he did. He came over yesterday and offered to fix up the front of my shop. He was trying to apologize..."
"Okay. I think you need to rewind and catch me the hell up. How did I not know about this!"
I spent about 10 minutes filling her in on everything that had happened. The night at his house, the diner, the weeks in between, the painting, then his arrival on my doorstep on Saturday.
"Well shit." I heard Angela take a deep breath as I finished. "Light wash skinny jeans, the vintage floral tee shirt, your yellow flats, purple cardigan anddddddd your bicycle necklace. Leave your hair down."
"Thank you. This is why you're my best friend." I said.
"And Bella...make him work for this okay? I know you. You're too nice for your own good sometimes. I'm proud of you for standing up to him at the diner. Make sure you stay on your toes. I don't know if I trust this guy yet."
"I know, Ang. I will. Oh how's Garrett by the way? When are you coming back?"
"I think in about two weeks I'll be back to see him. We've been talking non-stop since I left. I have a webcam date with him tonight. It sucks compared to the real thing but I'll take what I can get."
"Sounds like this one is special."
"You know, he really is. I have a good feeling about him, Bells."
"Well so do I. Especially if it means you'll be here more often! I hope he can share you with me."
"Hahaha...no worries baby doll. I'm totally snuggle raping you when I come visit next time."
"Oh good." I snorted.
"Well, I have to head to work, B. But good luck today! I expect an phone call or an email about this afternoon with Sir Edwardo."
"I'll let you know how it goes. Love you, Ang."
"Love you too!"
I hung up feeling lighter already after hearing Angela's voice. I flew to my closet and pulled out the clothes she suggested, throwing them on and observing myself in the mirror.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
I took a little extra time curling the ends of my unruly hair and putting a bit of make up on. I made sure to eat a bit of breakfast and take my meds before I made my way down to the shop. I brought a mug of warm tea down with me, needing the extra warmth this morning.
The morning hours passed slowly into the afternoon. I found myself staring out the shop window, waiting to see Edward. Business was slow today besides people coming to pick up their orders. Every time the shop door jingled open, I found myself jumping a little.
I was terribly anxious. I could feel it buzzing in my body, that anxiety. I both loved and hated it. I hated feeling on edge, but this was a good anxiety I thought. Not a bad one. Bad anxiety was waiting for a heart transplant. Waiting for a beautiful man to arrive at your doorstep - that was what I would consider good anxiety.
It was almost four when I spotted the familiar silver volvo pull up to the curb outside. I just about inhaled a piece of fresh gum, feeling self conscious already.
Why am I being so...weird?
I saw that unruly mop of copper brown hair appear before the rest of him came into view. His breath made a frosty cloud in the air outside and his nose was pink with the cold. He popped his trunk and pulled out a tool box before shutting it closed again and turning towards my front door.
His eyes caught mine as he approached the glass paned door. I thought I saw the tiniest smile break on his face as he saw me.
The door jingled open and there he was.
"Hi." I said.
Wow. So articulate.
"Hey." he said. I watched his eyes travel down my body once before blinking back to my eyes. Thank you, Angela. "Um...I guess I'll get started then. I'll just be out front."
"O-okay. I'll be here if you need anything." I promised.
He nodded once before heading back outside. I watched him in the shop window as he crouched low and set down his tool box. Soon the top of his head was the only thing visible as he set to work on the brick beneath the window.
I could have stood there and stared for another hour, but instead I forced myself to actually get things done. I spent the last hour of shop time cleaning and closing up. Checked the water in the coolers and made room for new arrivals. I used the back door to take the garbage out, sucking in a breath when I realized how cold it was outside. It would snow soon. Tonight even. The bite in the air was almost painful.
Edward had to be freezing. He had worn a jacket, but it didn't look nearly warm enough. He'd been working in the cold for an hour.
I came back inside from the back door, shivering like mad. No way could I let him work in this. I grabbed my coat before coming out the front door this time, looking down to see Edward hard at work, ripping away more old brick plates. He had a neat bucket full of debris, the pavement beneath him clean as could be. He'd stripped most of the facade underneath.
"Edward,"
He jumped a little at the sound of his name and turned to see me. His nose and ears were bright pink with the cold.
God, if he wasn't the hottest thing I'd ever seen...
"Come inside, it's freezing out here." I said, my teeth starting to chatter. It was getting darker out as well.
"I'm alright." he said, shrugging at me. But I could see his chin rattle a little as he picked up the brick pieces he'd removed and put them in the bucket.
"Come inside, Edward. I insist. I'll put on dinner. It's too cold and that jacket is not warm enough. You can come back tomorrow if you'd like. But for now, come inside." I said. My voice came out quiet and a little shy.
I didn't wait for him to answer because I wasn't asking him, I was telling him to come in. I re-entered the shop, flipped off the floor lights and put the closed sign up. I left the stair light on for him to follow me up to my apartment.
Once inside, I put on a pot of water to boil and got out my ingredients. I'd settled on a pasta and chicken dish, hoping he liked italian. I was making chicken marsala. I turned up the heat a bit to make sure my apartment was toasty and warm for Edward. That kind of cold was the kind that seeped into your bones. I wanted him to be warm.
I also wanted him to not want to leave. Honestly, I was afraid he would.
By the time the water came to boil, I heard footsteps from the stair well. A gentle knock at the door followed.
"Come in," I called.
Edward appeared from behind my door, closing it behind him softly. I watched as he politely removed his boots and jacket, turning to face me. He rubbed his hands together furiously, probably trying to get the feeling back in them. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt with a v-cut neckline, the material hugging his arms just so...
The rounded, muscular shape of his shoulders, the way the shirt lay on his firm chest...I had to blink a few times before looking up at his face. He was observing me carefully, with an expression I couldn't quite read. The piercing green under those thick lashes was irresistible to look at.
I came to his side without thinking and took his hands, trying to help him warm them. That buzz, that energy enveloped me as soon as I touched him.
I'd almost forgotten that. I'd missed it. I thought I heard his breath catch...I wondered if he felt that too.
"Here, come here." I led him over to the stove and held his hands over the pot of boiling pasta, far enough away not to burn, but close enough to be warmed by the steam.
He was quiet, but I could feel his eyes burning through me. We were so close. It reminded me of that moment we had in his own kitchen, eyes glued to each other, noses close in front of his sink. I let go of his hands, realizing I'd probably overstepped. I turned back towards the kitchen table to hide my blush and to finish cutting up the rest of my ingredients.
"Would you like some wine?" I asked, clearing my throat once so my voice would stop shaking.
Edward came to sit at the island stool across the table from me.
"I thought you didn't drink?" he asked.
I blushed, embarrassed. I'd bought the wine yesterday while I was running around, hoping he would enjoy it with dinner.
"I-uh, I don't. But I thought you might like it." I said sheepishly. "The woman at the store said it would go nicely with the meal. I -I jus- I thought that..."
Fuckfuckfuck. Stop stuttering Bella!
"Wine would be great, Bella." he said calmly, smiling almost in a comforting way, as if he could sense my unease.
Who was I kidding. It was obvious as day. My face was probably bright red right now.
I grabbed the bottle of wine and a glass from the cupboard. I wanted to smack myself in the face when I realized I didn't own any wine glasses. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
I gave him an apologetic look as I pulled out a regular glass from the cupboard. He was smiling at me and started to laugh.
I joined him, our quiet laughter seeming to fill the space with comfort and take away the edge of our anxieties. As soon as I heard the warm tone of his laugh, I immediately felt lighter, more relaxed.
"So you really don't drink?"
I nodded with a shrug.
"Any particular reason why?"
I hesitated for a moment and shrugged once more, knowing he'd understand that I didn't necessarily need to explain myself yet.
"Here," he laughed. "Let me."
I gave him the wine bottle and the opener and let him do his thing. I knew very, very little about wine or alcohol in general. I never experienced it. And I never would. But I was happy that I could do something right for Edward.
While he opened the wine and poured himself a glass I set to work on the rest of the meal. We chatted a little as I cooked, nothing of importance but enough to break the hesitance between us. Soon the lovely scent of garlic and other spices filled my little house. It wasn't long before I was plating the chicken and pasta, drizzling a garlic cream sauce and fresh diced tomatoes over the top.
I silently cheered to myself as I saw Edward's eyes roll back in his head at the smell of the dish I'd placed in front of him.
"Bella, this looks fucking amazing."
I grinned proudly at him. Pulling a stool around to my side of the table, I sat down and pulled my plate closer, feeling the heat of it rise up and warm my cheeks. I peeked across the table to see Edward with a bite in his mouth and his eyes closed.
I started to giggle at the absolute blissed - out look on his face.
He cracked an eye open and peered at me, smiling. When he opened both eyes he continued to look at me, smiling softly. There was a hint of sadness in his gaze, a regret, an apology. He was still feeling guilty over the things he'd said and done.
"I'm...I'm glad you're here, Edward." I said softly, hoping to reassure him that it was okay. That he didn't need to torture himself over anything else, especially not over me. We had a ways to go if we were going to be close friends or...more than friends, but for now, I wanted him to let go of his guilt and just enjoy dinner with me.
He swallowed and nodded once. "Me too."
For three nights we did this. Each night we became more and more comfortable around one another. We were still quite careful each time we were together, unsure of where exactly we stood, but unable to breech the subject.
The front of my shop was looking much better as Edward worked to finished it before the first snow. He'd gone above and beyond what I thought was necessary to fix it, making it as nice and clean as he could. I was beginning to see he could be a bit of a perfectionist. In addition to the brick facade he was fixing the bottom trim of the window - wood that had rotted out from time and the elements.
The second night he was over I made hearty grilled paninis and creamy tomato basil soup. I delighted in the moment that Edward took his first bite of whatever I'd made him. His reactions were not only comical but adorable, opening up a rare but beautiful goofy side to him that I wanted more of. We'd talked more on the second day, Edward told me stories from college and his time abroad. Traveling had inspired him greatly. I was completely engaged as he spoke, thirsty for every bit of information he would give me about his life, about his past. He asked me about my college years as well. I found myself talking so freely, laughing at old memories and telling funny stories from my time living with Angela.
Once, while we ate, he'd lifted his hand to my mouth, brushing away a drop of soup. I was crimson with embarrassment, but was hyper aware of the way his hand lingered on my skin just second too long. Not long enough.
When he left that night he'd hesitated in my doorway. His body language was unsure, as if he were contemplating hugging me, or kissing me. Some kind of goodbye that was more affectionate than a nod and a wave. But he settled for a "see you tomorrow" and a crooked grin. I never felt completely cheated when he smiled at me like that, it was as if that smile was only for me.
But God, how I wished he would kiss me.
I'd dreamt about him each night he'd come. In my mind he fit so well in my house, as if he had belonged there, as if we had belonged there together. More than once now, I'd found my hand trailing down my abdomen under my sheets at night, underneath the waistband of my panties to the place where I was beginning to need. I imagined how it be, how it would feel. To be moving underneath him, with him. Afterwards I'd feel my heart pumping as I lie in bed. I felt...alive.
The third night was pork tenderloin and roasted potatoes and broccoli. I learned Edward was very well read, surprised to find that our book collections were similar. Though he owned much more literature, I was happy that I could keep up an intellectual conversation about the novels we liked. Anyone could see that Edward was a highly intelligent man, almost intimidatingly so. I was afraid at first when we got on the subject of books and films, that I would not have enough knowledge to impress him. When I found that I could keep up surprisingly well, I felt a sense of accomplishment and a boost of confidence. I felt in that moment that we were equals. All this time I'd wondered in the back of my mind if our problems resonated with me and my own worth - as all women tend to do. But knowing that I was his match in a sense, I felt the rest of my nerves shed from me like a second skin.
The previous nights, Edward had left not long after dinner, but the third night he lingered for coffee and a little dessert. I could see a hunger in his eyes for conversation, and the feeling was mutual. I think both of us were pleasantly surprised that our conversation came so easily after our initial reconnection.
Again, at the door, he hesitated. I thought for a moment that he would close the distance between us and some how embrace me. But again, he bid me good night and gave me that crooked grin.
Today was Thursday, and Edward would be here tonight to finish his work. My anxiousness had returned, knowing that he would without a doubt be done with his project on my shop tonight. What happened then? I spent each day undeniably looking forward to my time with him. What happened when it was over and he'd run out of reasons to stay?
I spent the morning puttering around the shop as usual and working on a few arrangement orders. In the early afternoon, my phone buzzed loudly as it vibrated against the counter top, shaking me from my concentration.
I picked it up, not recognizing the number. Was it Edward? Was he finally using my phone number? Excitement grew in my chest as I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Bella?"
Okay, not Edward. But definitely a man.
"Yes it is..."
"Hey, its James. From Eclipse."
Wait, what?
"I hope you don't mind, I got your number from Alice the night I saw you, she's a good friend."
"O-oh okay. Hi..." I said, suddenly very nervous.
"Listen, I never caught up with you after my shift that night at the bar. Alice told me you had to run. But I haven't been able to get you out of my head since." he said honestly. He sounded genuine on the phone and his voice reflected his looks - handsome in every way. "So I know this is kind of out of the blue, but I was wondering, if there was any chance I could take you to dinner sometime this week? I'd love to get to know you."
"Uhh...I-I...wow. Um, I..."
Sensing my anxiety on the phone James spoke again, chuckling a little at my stuttering self.
"Listen, lemme give you my number and you can think about it and give me a call when you decide, okay?" he said. I breathed a sigh of relief and gratitude. He'd put me on the spot and realized it. Giving me the room to think about it was letting me off the hook from having to give him an answer.
"Okay..."
I grabbed a post it note and jotted down the number he rattled off, putting his name in bold across the top.
"Okay, I'll call you then?" I said, unsure.
"I'll look forward to it, Bella. I really hope to see you again." he said. Despite the utter surprise of the phone call, I'd found his forwardness to be ...sweet. He spoke softly and genuinely, but he was direct. I liked that.
But I knew as soon as I put the phone down that I wasn't going on a date with James. He could be perfect. He could be charming and nice and wonderful to me. He was handsome, he was funny, he thought I was beautiful. I was flattered that he'd remembered me.
There really was no logical reason why I should turn him down.
Except... he wasn't Edward.
I jogged up the stairs to stick the post it on my apartment bathroom mirror, knowing I'd remember to call him back and gently let him down easy later. My mind was reeling as I came back down to work, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
I couldn't fight it, or make it go away now...I had feelings for Edward. But I had no idea where we stood. What he was feeling. What if turning down James was a mistake? What if Edward only wanted close friendship with me and I was saying no to a relationship that could be great?
As soon as I saw his silver volvo pull up to my curb that night, I knew I could never just be friends with Edward. What I felt around him...it was so much more.
My anxiousness had returned, wondering where to go from here. Maybe all Edward wanted to do was make amends and then be on his way. My heart told me differently, but I couldn't assume anything at this point. He appeared from his car, smiling brightly at me through the shop window. He waved once and gestured to his paint, signaling that he'd get started right away. Once he was finished painting the trim, he'd be done completely.
I let him work, using the time to close down the shop. I peeked often at him out the window, catching him peeking at me once as well.
By 5:30, I was up in the kitchen, waiting to hear him come up my stairs. Tonight felt like a pizza night, so I'd rolled out a wheat crust, pampering it with olive oil, garlic and pecorino cheese. I covered it with toppings, making one side of it vegetable for me, and one side pepperoni, in case he didn't like veggie pizza. I was always taking notes in my head, noticing his reaction to things he ate. He seemed to love all of it, but italian food seemed to hit home. I had just popped the pizza in the oven when he came in the door.
"Well, it's finished." he said. He gave me a smile, one I returned with an effort at enthusiasm. I was already dreading him leaving tonight. But Edward seemed upbeat today, his mood bright. "I'll go wash up." he said, wiggling his paint stained fingers at me.
I giggled, watching him disappear to the bathroom.
I grabbed plates and set the table, pouring a glass of wine into a real wine glass this time. I'd picked one up the day before, figuring it would get a laugh out of Edward.
I heard his foot steps as he re-entered the room just as I was topping off his glass.
"Ta-da!" I laughed, placing his wine glass on the table.
No laughter or sound came from him. I looked up to see his demeanor completely changed, his face void of the happy glow he'd had when he first came in. He gave me a weak effort at a smile but couldn't keep up his front. He looked pissed, but sorrowful and defeated more than anything else.
"Thanks, Bella. For all of this, but... I think I should head home." he said flatly.
"What? But dinner won't be long at all. You should stay..."
"It's alright, I've gotta go. Gotta feed Bosley and take care of some things...Enjoy your meal, though."
"But, I don't understand..."
Edward went to the door, picking up his jacket and putting his boots on quickly, without bothering to tie them.
"I'm fine Bella, I just need to go."
No, no, no! This is not happening.
"What did I do, Edward?" I asked, growing agitated that this was really how tonight was going to be. We were doing so well, patching that distance between us. But Edward's guard was back up and on high alert. Something must have set him off.
"Nothing, Bella."
Anger flared hot under my skin and before I could hold them back, spiteful words were pouring out of my mouth.
"Bullshit, Edward. I knew it! I knew you would be a coward! I knew you would leave! I knew I was stupid to think you could make any kind of connection with me and keep it. Come on, tell me. What did I do to push you away this time? You know, you were a dick at the diner, but even if what you said was hurtful, at least you were talking to me. Why won't you tell me what is wrong with you?"
My volume had risen, my face was hot with frustration, yelling at his back turned to me in my door way. He turned to the side and I could see his jaw clenched in anger. When he turned to face me fully, I could see his eyes were ablaze as well.
He marched over to me with his teeth grit tightly.
"You wanna know what's wrong with me, Bella? I don't wanna be your fucking friend okay! Did you get that? I dont. Want to be. Your. Fucking. Friend."
My lip quivered as the words hit me, slicing through the tender parts of me and making my eyes brim with tears. I closed my eyes for a second, expecting to hear the door slam behind him as he left. But instead I heard him breathing raggedly, his breath closer to me, dancing across my face.
I opened my eyes to look up at him, only inches away from me now. His expression was pained.
"Its not enough, Bella. I'm a piece of shit, I know I am. But that doesn't stop me from wanting more from you."
Wait...what?
His face was closed to mine as he yelled, the passion in his eyes alight. He brought his hands up to gesture one finger at a time.
"I'm fucked up. I'm stubborn as shit, I'm possessive. I know I'm not good for you, but I want to kill James for even getting near you! I want to fucking beat the shit out of anyone who wants you like that because I don't want to fucking share you, okay?"
Ahh...he'd seen the post it note on my bathroom mirror with James' number.
"I thought I could do it...I thought I could leave you alone. I thought I could make you mad enough to stay away, and even when I did I couldn't let you go. I drove by the fucking shop at least a dozen times trying to figure out an good reason to see you again. These past few nights have been the best thing to happen to me in a while and i thought...maybe I can do this, maybe I can try to be what you need...but its too fucking late okay! So excuse me if I don't exactly want to stay and shoot the shit!"
He breathed out shakily, trying visibly to get himself under control. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, calmer, concentrated.
His eyes closed for a moment as he spoke, willing the words forward.
"You have every right to date a guy like James, I didn't know you were involved. But I hate it, Bella. I hate it. I don't have the strength to stay away from you. To just be friends...I can't...If you're with him, I have to go. I can't..." he winced and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Edward..." I said, placing a hand on his cheek. His eyes shot open and he looked down at me. I could see it all there in those green orbs, the worry, the frustration, the longing, the need. I knew it all because I felt it too.
"I'm not dating James."
"...you're not.." he searched my face. My place my other hand on his other cheek, both hands now cupping his face.
"He's not you, Edward...he's not you." I whispered.
He blinked rapidly, looking me over, searching my eyes again.
"Bella..." he breathed.
I silenced him with my lips, unable to not kiss him anymore. Soft and gentle I pressed mine against his, closing the small distance between us. I felt him freeze for only a moment before his mouth...God, his mouth...began to move against mine.
Our kiss was sweet and languid at first, the flow between us as easy as breathing. The fluidity of our movements made my hazy, almost high with want. I felt his arms unglue from his sides and wrap around me entirely, holding me so closely, making me feel small and protected. He gripped me as if he was holding on to the only thing he had left. I could feel his hands on my back and then one cradling my head as we kissed more fervently.
I wanted to live in the softness of his mouth. The warmth of his tongue greeted me as our breathing quickened, soft touches became grasping need. I heard a low rumble of a moan in his throat as my hands raked through his hair. The sound was enough to make me wet.
I wanted this.
I broke away from the kiss, keeping my forehead against his as my hands pushed his coat off of his shoulders. His eyes never left mine, dark with want they penetrated me. Our mouths, like magnets met again and again. I felt his hands dance across my back, my neck, my arms, my face.
We were kissing like it was our last day on earth. I was overwhelmed with my need for him.
"Bella..." he broke away from my mouth to say my name. The sound of his heated whisper, made my breath catch in my throat.
I looked up at him, our noses and foreheads resting on one another's. We were both catching our breath, eyes heavy lidded but mutually filled with awe.
No one had ever kissed me that way. Not with that much passion. I wasn't sure I wanted to be kissed any other way ever again. The feeling was recognizable in his eyes as well.
What had just happened? I'd heard all the cliche stories about fireworks or sparks...but this was...different. It was like I'd been missing him before I even met him. Like we were made to do this. Molded for each other.
"If I don't slow down, I'll never be able to stop, Bella..." he breathed. "God..."
I could not keep the smile from my face. Finally I knew for sure...Edward wanted me too. I didn't want him to stop, but I knew it was in both of our best interests to take things slower.
"Sorry..." I whispered back, still catching my breath.
His thumb caressed the apples of my cheeks.
"Never be sorry...Bella, I-I just...I've never wanted a woman more in my entire life than I want you now." his voice was quiet but the conviction there was proof of his honesty.
He brought his mouth to mine once more, a kiss so soft and sweet I thought I might cry.
I took a deep breath as his lips left mine, kissing my forehead once. I let my head come to rest on his chest, our arms around each other.
"Bella?"
"Hmm?"
"I'd like to take you on a date."
I grinned, squeezing him closer to me still.
"Edward?"
"Hmm?"
"I'd love that."
Hooray! Progress! Progress involving kissing! There will be lemons in this story I promise. More good things to come :)