warnings: strong language and a trigger-ish topic I should probably warn you about. If you feel it best I can put the rating up.

thirteen – listless

Lily walks listlessly along the pavement and turns left up the path to the cottage she shares with James. She stumbles on a loose paving stone and rights herself, brushing hair out of her face and fumbling in her bag for her keys. With her other hand she slides her wand from the inner pocket of her coat and, unlocking the door, steps inside. As she wipes her boots on the mat James opens the lounge door, a worried look on his face. His wand is pointing – somewhat half-heartedly – at her.

"Where did we go the first weekend we started dating?" he asks.

She looks away, dumping her bag, keys and scarf at the foot of the stairs, hanging her coat on the hook, pushing past him, heading into the living room. Her monotonous reply floats by him as she moves: Gladrags, so I could help you find a birthday present for your Mum.

James tosses his wand on the sofa and heads nearer to her with eyes full of concern but she takes a step back. Lily hits the dining table and, dropping her wand down, leans against it, hands gripping the edge tightly as if she's afraid of falling down.

(She is.)

He reaches out. "Lily?"

She brings a shaking hand to her mouth. "Oh God," she chokes. James' eyes widen and he can hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears.

"Lil?" he whispers.

"James, I -" She lets out another choked sob and screws her face up in her hands. "I'm pregnant."

The words are muffled by her fingers and he frowns. "What?"

(He heard her, loud and clear.)

Lily looks up at him. Tears sparkle in her eyes. "I'm pregnant."

A chill rises through his body and his heart pounds – even louder than it was before – and his breathing stops and he can feel the room flying away. All he can focus on is Lily's mouth moving, framing the sounds. She pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and tugs on it with her teeth. Her face echoes blind panic, and that's all he can feel. "Fuck. How?"

This seems to kick her into action and she pushes away from the table, hands tugging through her hair, releasing more strands that fall from the knot at her neck. "I don't know! I don't – well, I mean, I know how but I don't –" Lily bites her lip again, gnawing at it with her teeth. "When you came back, I think. I knew we wouldn't be – for weeks while you were gone so I didn't take anything and then when you came back we got so caught up and –"

James lets out a breath and throws himself on the sofa. He too runs a hand through his hair.

"So how long?" he asks, the shock rendering him capable of only limited speech.

(He's nineteen. He's nineteen.)

"About six weeks, I think." She looks at him, tears brimming it her eyes and dread written on her face. "I'm so sorry," she whispers.

His eyes flicker to hers. "What?"

"I'm sorry," she sobs. "It's my fault and I completely understand if you –"

"Lily," he says sharply. He walks over to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. "Lily, look at me. I – we're in this together, okay? We fucked up –" an ironic chuckle escapes his lips "– but we fucked up together. Alright?"

She runs a hand over her mouth and nods slowly. James walks her to the sofa and they sit down, not quite touching. After a moment he swallows and Lily watches his Adam's apple bob up and down. "What do you want to do?"

She snaps her eyes away and she stares morosely at the fireplace. The coal is dull and black. "I can't have baby, James." He picks up his wand and points it to where she's looking, and flames roar up in the grate. "We can't. We're nineteen. We have no parents to support us and – Jesus, we're fighting on the front line of a war. We can't have a baby."

James digests what she's just said. He speaks quietly. "We could if – Lily, if you take a step back, if you stopped going out on missions then we could do it. I could come home, too, and we could do it. We could make it work."

The ferocity in her gaze stops him. "I am not stopping fighting."

He raises his hands in surrender. "Okay. Merlin." He lets out a ragged breath. "Do you want it, Lily?"

"James, I don't know!" She reaches out to him and takes his hand. "I don't know because there's all these things flying around my head telling me no and I really, really don't think I can do it but I know you'll be there and – bloody hell, I can't get rid of it. I don't even know where the nearest clinic is."

James sits up straighter, panic in his eyes once more. "What?"

Lily slumps against him, mumbling. "It's a Muggle thing, but I suppose there's a wizarding equivalent. I don't know. I've never had to think about it before."

"Lily, what are you talking about?"

"It's irrelevant," she says, voice stronger. "I'm not doing it."

James shakes his head and she feels the movement against her. "We're going through with it, then? We're having a baby?"

For a moment the ghost of a smile flickers across her lips. "I'm having the baby, mate. You get the easy part."

He rests his cheek against her hair and strokes his thumb along the line of their entwined hands. "You know I have no idea what I'm doing, right?"

Lily looks up at him. "And I do?" She kisses him gently. "It's like you said. We fucked up, James. But we fucked up together."