"...Edward?"
I blinked rapidly, willing myself to pay attention.
But my mind was stuck in a foggy memory, reliving the weeks after my parents' deaths. The constant movement around me. The house being packed up. The pictures all being taken down. Esme helping me gather my things. Alice holding my hand.
And the kind officer with the mustache who offered me his card. Telling me to call him if I ever needed help.
I wasn't sure right away if it was him when I saw the picture frame on the mantle. I hadn't known his name all those years ago. I was too comatose to really absorb too much information at that time. I studied the photo.
It had to be him.
Now it was like I was seeing a ghost. Except he wasn't a ghost. He was Bella's dad.
Bella's fucking dad? The fuck...
The photograph was professional looking, like it'd been taken specifically for an office wall, or a trophy case. Chief Swan was dressed to the nines in his uniform, staring back at me.
I felt Bella's warm hand on my forearm and nearly jumped out of my own skin. Shit. I needed to get it together. I wasn't about to ruin the night. I didn't even know how to begin to approach this. The only thing I could do was avoid it all together. At least for now.
"Edward...what's wrong?" I finally met her big brown eyes and her presence steadied me.
"Ahh...nothing. I'm alright." I shrugged.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You look pale...I don't believe you..."
"Sorry," I said, putting on my most sincere face. "My head was starting to throb and I spaced out for a minute that's all..." I even chuckled a little and shot her a lopsided grin to keep her from doubting me.
Seeing my relaxed nature, she seemed to buy it. Her expression was still concerned though, and she put a hand to my forehead. I closed my eyes at her touch.
"You do feel a little warm..." she said, distracted. I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I'd deterred her enough from the subject.
I didn't really have a headache, but I was more than ready to curl up on the couch beside this girl and stay as long as she'd let me. I was exhausted.
Sleeping on those stupid bean bags really fucked up my body. After I'd dropped her off at her place this morning, I didn't drive home - I flew. I was too wired to even bother trying to take a nap. I kept playing my night with Bella over and over again in my head. She didn't leave my mind all day. I sketched. I painted. I even took Bosley for a run. Anything to kill the time until I could come and see her again.
"Should I get you some advil? Water?" she searched my face. I gently shook my head no, unable to tear my gaze away from her.
My eyes fell on her lips. They looked soft and rosy. I wanted to taste them.
I brought my hands up to cradle her face, my thumb running over the softness of her cheek. I felt her breathing halt as I brought my mouth down to cover hers.
All at once - I was okay again. It was a short but lingering kiss, and it was all I needed to bring me out of the past and back into the present. Back to Bella.
When I pulled away she looked up at me with rosy cheeks and a timid smile. I knew she was still curious about my reaction. She wasn't a stupid girl by any means. She was sharp. But her perceptive mind always left me some space. I'd thrown her off enough for now, but I knew at some point, I'd have to tell her about my brief encounter with her father. But for now, I didn't want to rehash the memories that came along with our meeting. In a way, it made complete sense that the Chief was Bella's father. His compassion was something I could clearly see had been passed on to his daughter. He probably wouldn't remember me now, but I remember him.
Bella pulled me towards the couch, stopping to turn up the heat a bit. The winter months had arrived. Snow had yet to really make an appearance, but I could feel in the air that it wouldn't be long.
We sat side by side, Bella with her knees to her chest once again. She tended to curl up into herself a lot. She sat close, but still did not quite touch me. I thought of the night before, when I'd had to invite her to sit beside me on the bean bag.
Maybe Bella was just waiting for an invitation. Besides the occasional initiated kiss, it seemed like she was unsure of herself in small ways when it came to affection, as if she didn't know how I'd react.
But she didn't know how much I craved it. How much I wanted her to be comfortable enough to touch me whenever - and however- she wanted. I had to show her it was okay.
I leaned back into the couch, putting my arm around her and pulling her close. I saw her cheeks rise up in a smile as she leaned into me. I kissed her forehead and grinned as she nuzzled closer.
We settled on watching some mystery drama on tv that we ended up talking through anyway. We stopped once to pop some popcorn, only to end up throwing it at each other more than eating it. She asked me once more about my headache and I told her I was cured. She didn't look convinced, but didn't push any further.
When the popcorn had disappeared and How I Met Your Mother reruns had begun, I found myself content with a dozing Bella tucked into me with her legs across my lap and a blanket across us both.
I let out a long breath and she hummed against my chest.
"Edward?" she said. Her voice had this low, sleepy rasp to it that I had to seriously work hard to not imagine in a different context.
"Hmmm?"
"I-Its not mine...it's not mine but d-don't...don't go..."
I realized then that Bella was talking in her sleep. I looked down to see her eyes fluttering a little, caught in some dream state a million miles away.
I didn't understand what she was talking about, but the fact that she'd said my name had me strangely happy. She sounded worried though, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what she could possibly be dreaming.
I'd known she was having a nightmare at the treehouse because of the way she moved in her sleep, whimpering.
Bella slept like the dead. If she was restless, then so was her mind.
The clock in her front hall dinged loudly, sounding ten o'clock. Bella popped upward on the couch with a gasp.
"Shit, it's ten already?"
"Yeah...is something wrong?" she seemed panicked for only a moment, but her expression softened and dissolved into a calm but sad smile as she shook her head at me.
"No - I just...I'll be right back. I'm fine." she said, her eyes darting away from me before she disappeared into the kitchen.
I heard some rummaging in the kitchen drawers and my curiosity got the better of me. I rose and walked to the kitchen doorway, leaning on the frame at a safe distance, watching her. She pulled out a few pill bottles and one of those pill organizers with the monday through sunday caps on them. She looked like she was trying to hurry. She opened a cap and spilled a myriad of capsules onto the counter.
"Shit..." she cussed under her breath.
It was then she noticed me in the doorway. While she looked startled for a moment, she did not try to hide them from me.
Red, white, yellow and blue pills lay scattered on the table. There were so many. She was frozen in place, looking up at me with a pained expression, waiting for me to react.
Her eyes fucking killed me. Deep pools of more feeling than I could even hope to understand yet. They were pained. Embarrassed. Defeated. Nervous. Like she was waiting for me to run.
I wasn't going anywhere.
Instead of speaking, I made my way to her cupboard above the sink. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap, placing it in her hands.
She didn't need to be embarrassed. She didn't need to hide this. This was her reality. And if it was hers, then it was mine too.
She smiled weakly and turned from me to take her medications, downing most of them at once. When she turned around to face me again, she was blushing but calm.
Solemn.
"Twice a day, every day. Once within the first hour after I wake up and once before I fall asleep." she said simply, her voice quiet and even. She was having trouble looking at me.
My mind flashed to this morning. Shit. It had definitely been more than an hour before I had her safely home.
"This morning..." I started. But she saw the panic on my face and raised a hand to stop me.
"I was fine. I took them as soon as I got back." she explained. "I just needed an extra couple hours of sleep when I came home to let my body adjust."
She had fallen asleep on the way home this morning. I didn't think anything of it. In fact I had smiled about it, thinking about how pretty she looked with the sun making patterns on her sleeping face in my car.
"Shit, Bella. I should've...I'm sorry I-"
"Edward, it's alright. You didn't know. And I was fine." she said. "This morning was nothing. Remember that night at Eclipse?"
Of course I did. She'd scared me half to death. I still remembered the way her eyes fluttered as she began to lose her balance that night at the bar. The way she'd looked up at me when I'd put my hand on her arm to steady her.
It amazed me for a moment. How far we'd come since then.
"That was more than two doses I'd missed. It was only worsened by an anxiety attack. T-that was a mistake. I'm usually so good about my medication." she sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "My body notices when things aren't working with my normal routine. It's also... the real reason I don't drink."
She took a deep breath and I kept silent. Hoping the quiet might invite her to tell me more.
"These are for various things...mostly they help my immune system stay strong. They help with fatigue...anxiety...things like that. I can't get sick...even small colds can be a risk if they progress."
In my mind was an image of Bella, sopping wet on my front porch with my wallet in her hand, shivering cold. Her brown eyes wide and eyelashes wet.
I had no idea then how much she had risked for me.
She kept her eyes on the table as she spoke. She was nervous about what she was exposing to me. But somehow, I was lucky enough that she continued to talk.
"I couldn't go outside very much as a kid." she said.
Her voice was so quiet...if I wasn't holding my breath, I would have had a hard time hearing her.
"I was either in my room or in the hospital. When I was younger I was in denial of it. I'd try to sneak out...see my friends, hang out with Jake. But my body would make me pay for it. I was pretty young when I had to accept that my body would not keep up with me."
She bit down on her bottom lip as she finally locked eyes with me. She looked like she was holding back so much more, wanting to let it go. Her arms were tight across her chest and she turned to face me. She, leaning on the kitchen table, and I, leaning on the sink counter across from her. Her eyes were searching for something. For that safe place I was searching for too, perhaps.
I lightly pushed myself off the counter and closed the distance between us, standing as close to her as I could. My head bent down to look her even closer still in the eyes.
"Bella..." I said softly. "Whatever happened to you...as long as you are here now...with me...it won't change how I see you. How I feel...for you. You can trust in that."
I felt her let go of a stuttering breath. The silence was roaring and seconds too long for my comfort. I thought maybe I'd pushed too far or said the wrong thing. I didn't want her to feel pressured.
I was about to take a step back when she put her hands on my hips, stopping me with her fingers in my belt loop. She looked down at the floor before she put her arms around my middle, pressing her face into my chest. It took me by surprise, but I felt no hesitation when I moved to hold her to me. One arm all the way around her shoulders and the other cradling her head. She held on to me tightly.
"Bella..."
When she pulled away from me, she looked glassy eyed. She swallowed hard once before taking a step back from me. The distance felt wrong.
The arms were across her chest again, keeping her intact. It was like she was bracing herself.
"Late hypoplastic left heart syndrome." she said. "That's what I had."
A rush of air came from her lungs. I didn't dare interrupt her. She wouldn't look at me. Her eyes were in her memories. I wished I could see where she was in her mind.
"I was around two years old when I started showing all the signs. When the doctors finally had a name for it, Renee...my mom...was out. The left side of my heart was malfunctioning because it was under developed while she was pregnant for me. Maybe she left out of guilt...I guess I'll never know..."
The thought of Renee made my fists clench. How could she leave? How could she leave her?
"My heart had evolved enough to just barely keep up with the rest of me. And as I grew, it began to weaken even more. They kept me going for a number of years with constant check ups, meds, and maintenance treatments. But eventually it got to the point where I was often hospitalized with irregular heart rhythms. I fainted a lot. Had trouble breathing. I was more exhausted than any little girl should be. By the time I was fifteen I was living in the hospital. Could barely breathe. I flatlined more than a handful of times but they'd crash cart me back to life so I could wait...s-so I could wait for my new heart."
She swallowed hard and turned her head from me as she spoke.
"I was dying. At fifteen, I was getting ready to die. I knew it. My father knew it. I was out of time."
My chest hurt as she continued, a panic rising in me as if I was there in that hospital. Her bottom lip began to quiver and her eyes pooled, but she did not cry.
"I thought maybe it would be best if I did die." she winced as she said this, blinking her tears back and looking at the ceiling.
"What? Bella..." I breathed.
"I'd put my father through a lot. He fought so hard for me...I thought maybe if I just left, if I just wasn't around anymore...he could have a shot at being happy."
She shuffled her feet and leaned back on the counter once again.
"It was close to Christmas when I thought I was close. I thought it wouldn't be much longer. But some how...some how it happened. It was early in the morning when they woke me up for surgery, beaming about the heart they'd found for me."
She looked up at me then, a smile without humor on her lips.
"And all I could think about was who had to die for me. For me to live..."
The weight of her situation hit me like a ton of bricks as I watched a tear finally escape in a trail down her porcelain cheek.
A painfully restricted childhood, the acceptance of death at the age of fifteen, the guilt she still obviously carried with her everyday knowing that someone had died for her second chance. Her selflessness astounded me. She was brave. She'd fucking flatlined more than once...she almost died.
I tried to imagine for a moment what it would have been like if she had. I'd never be here. Never in a million years. I'd probably have seen an article in the Forks Newspaper, or heard the word around school. But I'd never have known her.
And I was sure, as I looked at this beautiful fucking human being in front of me, if that had happened - if I had never met Bella - I would go on missing her still.
She didn't know it yet, but she was saving me. Saving me from a past that constantly felt like it might swallow me up again. Bella had breathed this new life into me.
How could I give it back to her? How could I do the same for her? Help her see how amazing she is?
So many different words welled up in my throat and I found myself mute.
Bella looked up at me nervously, my silence causing her to doubt herself. I saw her retract from me a little, curling into herself once more. She tried to stutter her way around it and I cursed myself for not being born more articulate. I needed to show her that everything was okay. That I wasn't running.
That I...was falling in love with her.
Jesus. I really was...
The realization only left me more speechless. I hadn't even dared to think about it until now. But it was undeniably true. I was so fucking lost in her, nothing could make me run now. I needed Bella.
"I-I didn't plan on telling you all of this tonight..." Bella sniffled, her tears coming full force now. She sat up straighter, trying to reign it in and put on a mask of indifference. She looked hurt at my silence. "I'm sorry - I just...I don't know...I-"
Before I could stop myself I was pulling her to me and crushing my lips to hers.
Author's note: It's been a little while since I wrote one of these. I've been doing my best to update better. I know a lot of you were expecting a big showdown with Edward realizing who Charlie is, but I'm sorry to disappoint and say that you'll have to wait a bit for more of those connections to come out on the table. But don't be too mad! I wanted this chapter to be more about Bella's past. Her bravery and trust in Edward is going to push him towards openness and recovery as well - but these things take some time. And I still want them to have some really couple time as well as progress! Especially before shit hits the fan - which it will soon. Bella has told people she trusts about her heart and tonight she let Edward know how much she trusts him. The next chapter will continue in her POV and walk through some of what she's thinking without too much repeat. I really want you guys to see Edward through her eyes while she continues her story. Also - I did some medical research, but I'm NOT a doctor. So please, just go with it. I don't get many reviews lately and thats okay but please don't review if you are going to get weird about little stuff. I promise I've done my best to keep it accurate to the story. I'm really glad that so many of you are alerting or favorite-ing this story. I can't stress how much your reviews help when you do send them. I've had a rough couple of weeks and just knowing that someone reads my crap is really nice. Hope you are all well...sending love your way.