I'm so so so sorry! I know! I know. I'm awful. But here's a fluffy lemony chapter to make up for my awful absence. I'm getting back on the horse, I swear!
He was kissing me.
Not running, not stuttering some weird apology, or making up reasons to leave.
Kissing me. And not some little, wimpy, pity kiss. He kissed me good. Soundly. Firmly. Hands cradling my face, touching my hair. Gently. Lovingly. There was so much behind this moment. I could feel every bit of it in my bones.
I felt my eyes flutter shut on their own, rolling back into my head as I just let this wave wash over me.
I was okay. Everything was okay. He was here.
I'd been klutzy with my pills. The sound as they'd hit the counter had been jarring and out of place. A secret flying out of the closet and into the light before I was prepared.
But it was late and I wasn't ready to make up lies. I had no energy to be selectively vague.
And there was Edward, the man I was falling in love with, holding out a glass of water to me with patient eyes. There was no expectation from him, no pressure. And then it was all tumbling out of me. I wanted him to know because I wanted him to really, really, know me.
But along with that ...I wanted to give him an out. I was in over my head already. But if he wasn't ready for this, he'd need to know now. To leave now. Early on. Because if he didn't want me after this, then maybe all of it would just be gone - quick like a band aid - and I'd forget.
I'd spent too much time agonizing in real time as well as in my dreams about what he would think or do when I told him. I couldn't handle waiting around for the right moment anyway. It had simply arrived. There was obviously a tension between us when it came to our pasts. Bombs of personal history waiting to drop. It was as if the two of us carried around our own personal grenades. When we had finally let ourselves feel openly for one another we had each pulled the pin. And now I was the first to really let go. Nobody wants to hang on to a live grenade anyway, I'd imagine.
Someone once told me Love was the greatest risk. That made so much more sense to me now.
Love. I was in love with Edward. Edward, who was kissing me so wonderfully right now.
"Bella..." his voice was so quiet, trembling against my lips. "I can't...I..."
I froze as I heard the words, my breath captive in my chest. I pulled away and looked up into his eyes, panic in my veins. He saw my fear and brushed his thumbs against my seat as he continued to cradle my face. His eyes were pained. They became glassy as he looked over my face, my eyes, my hair, my lips.
"I can't imagine ...you...not being here." I could see his jaw tightened as he clenched his teeth and winced. He pulled me to him once more to kiss my forehead. I sighed into the kiss, relieved that 'I can't' had not been followed by, 'do this anymore.' My eyes were weighted with tears, and hazy with shock that Edward could care so much. That it pained him to think of me not around. Did that mean he could love me too?
His lips came to a gentle pace, tracing each cheek, each side of my forehead, and then my lips once more. He held me tightly, pulling away only just enough to look at me.
"I thought..." I started.
"I'm not going anywhere, Bella." he cut me off, my thoughts seemingly clear as day on my face. "I couldn't if I tried."
I felt my breath catch as my eyes shot up to his. There was so much I wanted to say. Was he sure about this? About me? I wanted him to know, but now I was worried that perhaps my pitiful past would make him feel obligated to stay. Who wants to be known as the guy that dumped the transplant girl? Edward never really cared what people thought though...did he? Oh, God...Why was it so hard for me to believe he wanted to stay? I felt my mouth open and close several times, the words unable to come to me.
"But...I'm not-I'm not...I mean this isn't normal. I don't know what normal is...I don't know if that's what you need right now...If I'm...what you need..."
I would always struggle with my own worth...always. My worthiness of a new heart, a second chance...and this. Love. It was too much to hope for.
Edward silenced me with another searing kiss. When he pulled away I could feel his heart hammering in his chest under my hands. He shook his head, determined to convince me.
"You. You are what I need, Bella." he said firmly. "I need you too fucking much already. I don't need normal. Christ...I don't know what the hell it is either..."
He took a second to breathe and looked away from me for only a moment. My throat was thick with a sob I couldn't let out.
"I need you to believe me when I tell you that I want this. That I want you. All of you. Scars and all." he searched me, using his thumb to wipe a tear from my cheek. "Do you believe me, Bella?"
Deep green eyes, begging me - pleading with me to say yes. Hands on me, one around my waist now, and one gently holding my face. Soft smile - sure, steady.
"Please say that you do." he breathed, his forehead against mine. "Because I need you...I need you to believe me when I tell you that I'm falling in love with you."
I felt as if my chest would burst open in that moment. My eyes went wide as I looked at his - now vulnerable but hopeful looking back at me. He swallowed hard, but never broke his gaze.
What?
Silence stretched between us. Soon the hopefulness of his searching stare turned to nervous embarrassment.
"Edward..." the sound a mere breath on my lips. I was searching for the words to say, stunned entirely at what he had just admitted.
His eyes fell from mine to the floor.
Speak, Bella. You are going to ruin this.
"I-I..."
I felt his arms loosen from around me and he pulled back just a bit. But the distance felt so enormous and far too real.
"You don't have to say anything...I just...I shouldn't have...I'm-I'm sorry, Bella..."
"Edward..."
"It's soon, I know...it's too soon..." He backed up from me and leaned back on the opposite counter, putting miles between us now. No. No. No. He raked his hand through his hair, unable to look at me.
"Edward..."
I flew to him, closing the space between us quickly. My hands lifted themselves to his, removing them from his copper brown locks. I held onto them tightly as I put my hand on his cheek.
"Hey...look at me..." I said softly, moving until I caught his eyes once more. His ears were red and his jaw was taught. He was trying to hide from me.
I took one of his hands and placed it on my own cheek once more, leaning into the warmth of his touch. His gaze softened as he looked down at me. I took his other hand and placed it on the center of my chest, right over my scar. I'd thrown a thicker cardigan on over a thin night shirt earlier in the evening. It hand come open by now and without a doubt, I knew he could feel the thin ridge of my scar beneath the fabric against his palm.
His breath halted as his eyes flicked down to our hands and back up to my face once more.
I'd never done this. Never willingly let someone touch me here. Not this way.
"Bella..." he breathed.
I felt my eyes well once again with tears. Without having to say anything, we both knew that this was the most intimate moment we had ever shared. He had bared his soul and now I was baring mine.
"Say it again..." I whispered, unable to do anything but smile up at him through the tears now freely streaming down my face. "Tell me again - I believe you. I believe you, I swear." My words shaking with my voice as I spoke.
A glow of awe and relief came over him as he looked down at me. I couldn't stop smiling. My cheeks hurt and my eyes felt swollen, but I could have sworn my feet were no longer touching the ground.
"Bella..." he said softly, his words focused and sure. "I'm in love with you."
I small cry of joy escaped my throat and I reached up on my tip toes to kiss him. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands found purchase in his hair. I could feel myself become enclosed once again in his embrace, strong and steady around me. I pressed myself against him, feeling like our closeness could never be close enough. I was overwhelmed with happiness and relief. Comfort. Joy.
It had never felt like this. I felt so...safe. I had finally let down my walls enough to really try. To give Edward the hidden pieces of me I'd been terrified to reveal. And he was here. Loving me.
Loving me.
I didn't know how this had happened, but the gratitude overflowed within me. I felt like my whole being was filling up with golden light and pouring out of me.
Edward was kissing me back soundly, his movements so strong and so gentle all at once. We kissed with our whole bodies, not just our mouths. I could feel heat beginning to build and twist in my stomach as I felt the lean muscles of his body pressed against me. My hands clutched the fabric of his shirt, fingertips gripping him as if he would disappear. This couldn't be real. Could it?
All the tension, all the stress, all the trials we had yet to face - it all disappeared. Nothing but this mattered.
I felt Edward's hands on my hips as he guided us back against the counter behind me, never disconnecting from our kiss as he moved. The softness of his his mouth mixed with the gentle but firm pressure of his kisses was almost too much. And the way his tongue moved on mine...I could feel the warmth spread from my belly down to my core.
I let out a little yelp as his hands lifted me up onto the counter. My legs naturally wrapped around his waist to pull him closer to me. I couldn't stop touching him. My hands wandered the broad expanse of his shoulders, tangled in his hair, trailed down his neck and back. It wasn't enough. Never enough.
My heart was pounding and the sound of our ragged breathing filled my ears and made my entire body fill with heat. Every sense and cell was ignited. Edward's hands were driving me mad, running trails up my sides, my neck, entwining in my hair, cradling my face, moving along my thighs. The pressure of his hand on my lower back pressed my arching body into him and made my eyes roll back into my head.
My head fell backwards as his lips moved to my jaw and then to my neck, sending shivers down my spine. Hot, wet, kisses down my neck and over my collar bone. I felt a low moan escape my throat as his tongue swirled over my clavicle.
"I should stop..." he panted against my neck, stopping only to speak and then kissing me again. "You don't know what you're doing to me, Bella."
"Don't...don't stop." I said, trying hard to calm my own breaths.
He pulled back and searched my eyes, looking for me to confirm what I'd said. Looking for reassurance. I ran my thumb across his cheek and looked at him with all the love I could feel pulsing in my heart and running through my veins. An unspeakably beautiful thing blooming inside of me.
"Stay." I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm in love with you too, Edward. Please. Stay."
It was the smile in his eyes that was the most beautiful thing. He shut them for a moment, as if relishing in my words. In my request. In my admission. He leaned forward to rest his head against mine, his nose brushing mine softly.
When he opened his eyes again, they shone with a different hue. The green was darker, thick with love, but heavy with want. My whole body shivered in response. With one look, I was undone.
He grinned crookedly at me as he reached around me, lifting me by my ass into his arms. I clung to him, feeling weightless in his hold as he walked to the light switch and turned off the living room and kitchen lights. The blue hue of a new winter moon shone through my windows as he walked us to my bedroom.
A calm settled over me as he came to my bed, stopping to kiss me slowly, lavishly, before lowering me down to my feet. We stood before each other in the blue light and just breathed in and out for a moment, noses pressed close to one another's.
After a moment I pulled back, biting my lip and hardly hiding a grin as I lifted my hands in the air, giving him permission with my eyes to remove my shirt. To remove the barriers between us. There would be no more hiding. Not for me.
My skin prickled at the feel of his fingertips on the hem of my t-shirt, sliding the fabric up and over my head. I kept my eyes closed for a moment as a split second of fear hit me. Now he would see everything. Even under the pale pink cotton of my bra, my history was written on my skin. I couldn't look at his expression, despite my trust in him. It was my instinct to look away.
It was his lips on each eye lid that prompted me to open my eyes again to look at him. And my curiosity got the better of me. What did he see?
He looked over me in awe. Not in disgust, not in repulse, but in wonder. In reverence. He lifted his own shirt over his head and displayed his own set of scars. We stood in front of each other, eyes working over old wounds. I was taking in the glorious sight of him. His torso was long and lean, not overly muscular, but toned and strong. The way his hips disappeared into his jeans along with that trail of dark hair from his belly button was down right sinful. His arms and shoulders were built with hard work. The stability of his forearms, his hands, filled me with a sense of security. These were arms that would catch me. Hold me. Love me.
My hands reached up to trace the scar on his side. His breath stuttered and I looked up into pained eyes. But he did not move or pull away. He simply watched me, letting me touch him while his fingers played with the ends of my hair. My hands splayed over the soft heat of his skin and I felt his breathing steady, even as our hearts were beating with excitement.
I looked up into his eyes and let my hands fall away, reaching back behind me to unfasten my bra. I was safe here, with him. I could do this.
Most times I'd made love, I'd insisted on keeping my bra on and could not stand even the light of a digital clock in the room. Because of this, most men I'd been with became disinterested in me rather quickly. But this felt like a different world. Here, completely naked, illuminated by bright moon light, my fears were quelled with his loving gaze, his reassuring smile.
I let the bra fall to the floor finally, revealing the entirety of my scar as well as my bare breasts. I took in a shallow breath and felt my eyes well up once more as Edward looked at me.
"Beautiful..." he breathed, shaking his head at me. "So fucking beautiful..."
His use of the f word sent a spike of heat to my core. It didn't come across as crude or immature. It was just so...Edward. It emphasized his sincerity and immediately brought a smile to my face.
Not to mention, it turned me the hell on.
He reached out to me and I shuddered as he ran his hand down the length of my scar. I felt him pull me close to him, his fingers splayed down my back as he bent down and kissed the very center of my chest. A lingering, poignant kiss on the piece of me I had lost. The same piece of me that had been renewed, and was now fluttering wildly with new life.
He pulled away and looked up at me, his eyes marking the significance of the moment as he ran the back of his knuckles down my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, accompanied by a long, languid kiss. He pulled me forward and against him, our bare fronts pressed against each other. The sensation was thrilling and new. One hand held the back of my head and the other moved down to my lower back, and then lower still, cupping my ass just slightly. I was beginning to ache for him.
His mouth moved to my neck, his tongue making hot, wet paths down to my chest. My nipples tightened and hardened to pink peaks under his hands - and then his mouth. A breathy moan escaped me as I felt his warm mouth envelope a taught nipple. His tongue swirling and provoking one small peak while his hands flowed over the soft swell of the other. I couldn't control my breathing as the sensation washed over me. I could feel the wetness begin to spread between my legs.
Edward's mouth lavished both breasts with attention as he moved down my body and actually came to his knees before me. He mouth trailing down my scar once more and then to my abdomen as he reached kneeling position on the floor. He kissed across my stomach with his hands on my hips. My fingers found their way through his hair as my skin prickled to attention.
He stopped and looked up at me, guiding me backwards until my knees hit the bed behind me. He laid me down with gentle hands and rested his palms on my thighs as he knelt between my legs.
He sought my permission with his eyes as he found his way to the waist of my pants. Soon I was in nothing but my panties, laid out before him.
He leaned forward and kissed below my belly button. The feel of his breath against my skin was torture as he began to lower my panties down my legs and off of me completely. I swallowed hard, not used to being this vulnerable and exposed in front of anyone before - but loving the fact that it was Edward in front of me right now.
He kissed the inside of each knee, gently prompting them apart. His open mouth breathed trails of kisses up the inside of each thigh. I was almost embarrassed at the way I was panting, needing him so.
"Bella, you have no idea how much I've wanted this...how much I want you." he said, his voice taking on a low husky tone that melted my insides. He kept his eyes locked on mine as his he lowered his mouth to me. His mouth...God...his mouth. I felt my hips lurch in surprise as his lips met my folds. They lurched again when his tongue found the spot that was my undoing.
His hands wrapped around my thighs, holding me in place while his magic tongue slid and flicked and lapped at me. The sight of him between my thighs was more erotic than I could handle. Tension built and coiled up in my core. My legs trembled as I felt myself getting closer and closer. I could hear myself letting out the breathy sounds and bending notes of moaning pleasure. The sound only seemed to spur Edward on.
It was the humming sound he let out of his mouth that sent me over the edge. The vibration of sound against my clit wrecked me, causing my legs and hips to jerk and squirm beneath him. The strength of my orgasm left me shaking.
"E-Edward...."
He crawled up my body, his strong arms encasing me in a firm hold against him. My breasts were pressed upward against his chest, my back arching to meet him. My body was still trembling slightly with the aftermath of my orgasm as he let his weight down just slightly on top of me. With my legs on either side of his body, I could now feel his hardness pressing against me through his jeans. I needed him. Badly.
He kissed me as he held me, letting his tongue meet mine again, and bringing with him the taste of me. My senses were reeling as I brought my hands down his back and then around to the front of his jeans.
"Too many clothes," I whispered against his lips. "Not fair..."
He grinned devilishly in the blue moon light. With his knees now on the bed, he sat up and leaned back, watching me closely as my fingers fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans. He moved to his feet only to remove his jeans from around his ankles, and then stood before me in his black boxer briefs, waiting for me to continue.
I sat forward on the side of the bed, bringing my mouth slowly to his toned stomach as my fingertips found his waistband. I paid close attention to his scars, reverently marking them with my kisses as he had mine.
These were a part of him. And I wanted all of him. Every part.
Slowly, I pulled down the last barrier between us, revealing Edward in all of his naked glory. His arousal was hard to miss, as it's size and length stood at full attention in front of me. With my little experience in this department, even if he was average sized, he was by far the biggest I'd seen.
I heard the word 'fuck' escape him as my hand wrapped around his shaft and gave a tentative stroke. I was nervous. It had been a while since I'd done this. But God, I wanted to do it. The jagged breaths coming from him fascinated and excited me. And all at once I was aching again. I left kisses along his pelvis and inner groin as I stroked him. And when the right moment came, I looked up to watch his face contort with pleasure as my mouth wrapped around his tip, sucking gently.
"Christ...Bella...please, I need you..." he groaned. "I can't wait...I won't last."
He knelt over me on the bed, lifting me with one arm back towards the middle of the bed and hovering over me. His eyes softened as he kissed me, sucking gently on my bottom lip and biting down just enough to make me hiss with want.
He leaned his weight on me, my legs on either side of his body. I felt him pressed against my center, a deliciously wet, slow, friction beginning to build. Silken skin over the hardness of him rubbing between my slick folds. My arms wrapped around him and pressed into his lower back, urging him to take me. He kissed across my breasts before pausing to bring his forehead to mine.
"Are you sure, Bella?" he whispered. "I didn't bring anything..."
I was only momentarily distracted by the thought of contraceptives.
"I'm sure...I'm covered." I assured him. I smiled up at him as I felt myself over come with joy. Yet he still looked unsure.
"I want this, Edward. I want you. All of you. I need you to believe me when I tell you that."
I looked up to see him smile softly at the use of his own words.
"Do you believe me?" I asked.
"Tell me again..." he said.
"I love you..." I whispered against his mouth. At the same moment I felt him enter me, connecting us finally. I gasped at the feeling of fullness, completeness as he slowly disappeared within me.
"God... Bella..." I hear Edward hiss.
He is careful to rest his weight on his elbows as he begins to move forward, holding my shoulders from underneath me as he fills me up.
His eyes never leave me, our foreheads pressed together. Then our cheeks. Then his lips find my neck and light consumes me. It's never been like this...how has it never been like this?
The feeling of him, moving in and out of me is more than I can take. Hearts hammering, hands roaming. The sweetness of him as he touches my face and hair. Keeping his eyes on me as we rock. The low rumbling sounds from his throat as my body squeezes around him.
My eyes flutter shut as his pace increases, the fire raging in my core, the tension mounting.
"Open your eyes for me," he asked softly. "I want to see them when you come." The phrase is delivered without cockiness, but with a need. As if his release depends on mine. But the sheer dirtiness of the phrase is enough to wreck me. And I do as he says, looking up into his eyes. They are blazing just as mine are.
Our bodies begin to shake as we feel the wave coming for us. And when it hits, it takes him first. My name falls from his lips as he comes, shuddering inside me and around me. But before he stops his thrusts completely, he reaches down between us and strokes me, sending me over the edge. I am pulsing around him as I cry out, taken away by the feeling of this.
I can feel my abdomen and upper thighs twitch as Edward buries his face in my neck. He smells of clean laundry and the light sheen of sweat from making love to me. I inhale him deeply as I try to get my breathing to come back to normal. The weight of him on me is splendidly comforting. He is still inside me, twitching once in a while, as I am, from the aftermath of orgasm.
When he lifts his head, his eyes search me. A satisfied, radiant smile on his lips. He leans down and places the softest, gentlest kiss on my lips.
"You are more than I could ever deserve, Bella." he admits softly. "More than I ever hoped for." He strokes me cheek lovingly.
Before I can respond, he lifts himself off of me and I watch his perfect ass disappear to the bathroom. In less than a minute, he's back, carrying with him a wet wash cloth. We're both covered in a light sheen of sweat, and he holds the cool cloth to my head, my neck, my breasts and once between my thighs to remove the remnants of him. He takes care of me. He pulls back my sheets and scoots me underneath them before disappearing into the bathroom to rinse the wash cloth and clean himself up.
My eyes are heavy and my body is sated and begging for sleep. I can hear the faucet running briefly and my eyes become hazy.
"Don't go..." I manage to say, panicking only for a moment in my sleepiness.
His voice comes close to me and the bed gives a little as he gets under the covers beside me.
"I told you, I couldn't if I tried." he says.
And I want to laugh and cry all at once as his arms wrap completely around me, my back pressed against his chest. I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head once before I am taken away by sleep. And even in my dreams, my joy does not waver or cease.