Shavneral

Chapter 9 – Kakarot

I don't think I slept. More like, my mind shut down and I kept telling myself to inhale, exhale, repeat. It was a state of calming; just trying to shut out the demons and the voices.

And I don't mean voices like the lingering doubts and whispering illusions that automatically come to mind when I say this. I mean the memories; all the twisted, haunted memories of cruel, sneering voices in my ears and the slash of a flogger at my back.

It was dark in the wardrobe in which I stayed; so I had no perception of time, but that was normal for me. I was used to not being able to tell if it was day or night, and not being able to see the sun or the moon. It was almost comforting this way. Almost.

I kept remembering what Vegeta said as he left. He'd apologized more than once, and he seemed like he meant it. It wasn't like when my handler whispered it to me when he had to poke me with needles to take my blood or anything, because it wasn't just words. But what did it mean? What did he mean when he said "I'm sorry"? Was he just admitting he'd done wrong – had he done wrong? – or was he saying he wouldn't do it again? Or something else entirely? Too many questions. It was hard to keep my breathing rhythm steady with such questions.

I felt like I should have been grateful to Vegeta. After all, he'd freed me from the hell that was my prison and seemed to ask for nothing in return. Maybe I should have let him touch me; maybe I should have just shut up and let him do what he wanted. Even if he tried to hurt me; I owed him my freedom.

No. It felt wrong. Every time his hand came towards me with any intent – whether to assist or just to feel – I felt a jolt of pure, animal terror. And that was reason enough to recoil from him. Until I could look at him and feel no fear, I didn't trust him. And I doubted that would ever happen.

I stopped thinking of such things after a while and just drifted; trying to fall asleep without really trying. I doubted I could. Not in such a strange place. The closet itself made me feel both secure and contained. I felt like there wasn't enough air, and I had to try really hard just to breathe. My heart was thumping in my chest; it hadn't slowed since I left Shavneral behind.

I must have slept at some point, because I woke with a start from a vivid dream of claws and teeth, shouting and fire. And the whip. That was always present in the back of my mind. I could perfectly recreate the hissing, snapping sound it made as it whistled through the air; the arc as it curved and struck my exposed skin. I don't know why it haunted me more than anything else, but it did.

I was shivering slightly, so I drew some of the clothes surrounding me closer for warmth and curled my tail around my knees.

After a long time, I was aware that I wasn't quite alone. I heard the door to the room outside open; and I knew it was Vegeta. I knew he'd come back. But why? What did he want?

I stayed put. Maybe he would just leave if I didn't acknowledge him. Or maybe he'd come looking for me. And the strange thing was; I didn't know which of these I wanted him to do. I didn't know which was worse.

X

-Vegeta

I knew Kakarot was hiding from me again. I couldn't explain it, but I wanted to help him still. I wanted to show him he had nothing to fear. I didn't know what would come of my persistence, but I hoped if I just kept trying, I would be successful eventually.

I sat on the bed in the center of the room, debating whether I should let Kakarot know that I knew exactly where he was hiding. I could sense his ki, of course, however twisted and diminished it had become now. I supposed it would be cruel to tell him that no matter what he did, he couldn't hide from me. Let him keep his sense of security; it was probably better to wait for him to come to me anyway.

I lay back against the pillows, ready to wait him out. It was early morning, and I had all day. He couldn't stay in a closet forever…. could he?

He probably could. I figured there wasn't a lot of difference between that and his cage back at that godsdamned facility, and he'd been forced to stay there every second of every day.

Well then, I'd have to talk him out. But I wouldn't go after him. I'd already sworn I wouldn't.

"Kakarot," I said, knowing he was awake and listening.

He didn't answer. I hadn't expected him to.

"I know I made a mistake, but I swear I won't do it again. All I ask is that you come out of hiding. I promise I won't touch you or even look at you if you don't want me to."

I felt a subtle shift in his ki signature. He was weighing his options, and I could tell not even he knew what he was feeling right now.

"I'll even leave, if you want." I said carefully, "Just say the word. I just think it would be better for you not to be stuck in such a small space, that's all."

The door to the closet opened a fraction of an inch. I felt hope leap in my chest for a moment, but the action of opening the door wasn't completed.

"How do I know if I can believe you?" Kakarot asked quietly. I barely heard, and when I did, my heart sank. I had shattered the small portion of trust he'd put in me. And I might not get to fix it.

"You don't have to believe me, Kakarot, I'm just asking."

"Asking what?" he was very tactful with his speech, I noted; accepting nothing halfway.

"If you'll please come out of the wardrobe," I said patiently, "This whole room belongs to you, not just the closet. I won't make you go any further; I won't ask anything else of you if you don't want it."

Slowly, the door swung open, but Kakarot didn't move.

"Where… where do you want me to go?" he asked after a moment. I sighed. He really couldn't make decisions for himself at all. It was worse than I thought.

I was a bit surprised at his asking me this, though. He still wanted to know what I thought he should do, even if I'd pushed his boundaries before.

"You can come up on the bed, if you like." I suggested carefully, 'I'll move if you don't want me here, it's up to you."

I could see the struggle flash in his eyes. He didn't know what he wanted, and he wasn't sure whether he should be afraid of me or not.

Eventually he crawled out of the closet, but came no further; and just watched me.

"You have nothing to be scared of," I consoled, "If I'm making you nervous, tell me to leave. If you don't want to be by yourself, I'll stay. Anything you want."

I hoped if I gave the right amount of comfort, he would gradually get back to the state of feeling remotely safe in my presence. But I couldn't ask him to trust me. Not yet.

I closed my eyes, trying to will away my naturally impatient nature that was asking how long this was going to take. It will take as long as it needs to take. I couldn't rush this process. I couldn't and I wouldn't.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I opened my eyes. A razor-sharp blade was aimed right at my face, and Kakarot was standing there, brandishing the metal claw at me threateningly.

"Kami!" I swore, losing my balance as I tried to evade the range of the blade and fell out of the bed in the process, "Don't do that!...Please," I added when I realized I'd given him an order accidentally.

He blinked, "Don't do what?" he almost sounded accusing.

"Sneak up on me," I gasped, trying to catch my breath, my heart racing. I'd been startled before, but not like that.

"I was just –" Kakarot began, the panic returning to his voice when he must have assumed I was angry at him.

"I know," I sighed, "Just defending yourself. But, Kakarot, generally people don't like having knives pointed at their faces. It's kind of terrifying."

Slowly, Kakarot lowered the weapon, "Sorry."

How did he do that? One minute he was a predator with a knife, and the next he was a dog that had been kicked one too many times.

I got back into the bed and sat there, eyeing the metal blade attached to Kakarot's thumb warily. I supposed he had the right to have a weapon, but still…

To my amazement, Kakarot took a few steps towards me and sat tentatively on the edge of the bed; his eyes never leaving mine. Progress? Maybe. Maybe not.

He fingered the edge of the blade absently, "I never liked this, you know." he muttered, almost to himself, "I'd much rather have a real thumb."

So would I, if it were me. I agreed silently.

"N…now what do I do?" Kakarot asked.

I exhaled slowly. I didn't want to force him to do anything, and I wished he could just choose for himself.

"Anything. What do you want, Kakarot?"

He fell silent, a furrow of deep thought showing up between his eyebrows.

"I don't know." he admitted; and for once, his voice barely rasped and he almost - almost - sounded like his old self.

I could see him tracing words with his lips, as if debating whether or not to speak them. I wondered what went on in his mind; what it was like to be so burdened…

And I wondered… should he recover…. if I wanted him to go back to his old self. He seemed so much more complex and aware now, much more mature; and though he was damaged possibly beyond repair, I could hardly deny that I found him fascinating in some distant way. Something about his sense of willpower, the intensity and depth of his eyes, possibly even the altercations to his face that made him look fierce and wild. And the compulsion to protect him hadn't faded either.

I took a moment to think about this. I'd never really looked twice at Kakarot with anything but annoyance in the past; irritated that he was stronger than me and so much more popular. He had more allies than I did and seemed to make no mistakes or apologies for anything he did or said. Now…. I couldn't explain it, but I felt…. sad…. about what had happened to my friend; what he'd gone through, but at the same time… I was intrigued. I felt a significant amount of pity for his suffering, but I was admittedly in awe of him. Having endured what he had, for so long; and having even been able to begin to recover was a feat unto itself. And it seemed that he'd completely forgotten our old rivalry or any hostility between us at all. In fact he seemed safest around me; something that never ceased to amaze and confuse me since I'd realized it.

In the past, I wouldn't give a damn what I thought I felt, especially concerning Kakarot of all people. In fact, I would probably deny having feelings in the first place and insult the third-class even more viciously to make up for the lack. But…. for once, I didn't feel anything but compassion towards the man I'd come to know grudgingly as a friend. I wanted him to feel safe around me. I wanted him to recover and actually smile again. I didn't want the old Kakarot back; I wanted to discover this new one, and get to know him as well as I had before - or better.

Upon realizing this, I felt a tremor of shock run through me.

I didn't want anything from Kakarot.

I wanted Kakarot himself.

TBC