A/N: Nothing much to say other than life sucks and is completely unpredictable. I realized its been like a month since an update and it doesn't feel as if its been that long. It's 2:30 am right now so I'm sure there are typos. Other than that enjoy!
Sam entered the house and quickly made her way to the stairs, but before she could ascend them her mother's voice gave her pause. "Sweetie, did you want me to fix you something to eat?
"No. I just want to take a shower and sleep." She walked up the steps to the bathroom.
Once inside she turned the water on and started to strip out of my clothes. Sam avoided the mirror and any other reflection of herself at all costs. The steam started to billow out the top of the shower and she stepped in under the spray of hot water. She set about washing her hair before attempting to wash the rest of her body. After getting her hair wet she stepped back from the water and lathered her hair in shampoo before stepping back under the water to rinse it away she repeated this process with the conditioner. Once she was satisfied with her hair being clean she grabbed the bar of soap and started on her body.
The longer she scrubbed her body with the bar of soap the more rough she got. Her skin started turn red from the scrubbing and the heat of the water. No matter how many times she washed an area of her skin the feeling of disgust was still clinging to it. The bar slipped from her grasp and she watched as it hit the tiles and dropped down to the floor. If floated on the water before stopping over the drain. Sam didn't bother picking it up for she knew that soap wasn't helping in the slightest. She knew she was physically clean but mentally she was nowhere close.
Her gaze traveled from the drain to her feet and up her legs where it paused. She realized how hairy her legs were and without much thought she reached for her razor. She started with the left leg and moved to her right. She was just about done, when she felt a small bit of pain. The razor had made a small nick on her thigh. She watched as the tiny drop of blood mixed with the water and traveled down her leg off the side of her foot and disappeared into the drain.
It would be so easy to end it right now. Just take this razor and slice deeper. Well except for the fact that there is no guarantee that it would work and that my mother wouldn't check on me before death could take hold. Plus, I really don't want to be found in the shower naked. That is my worst nightmare. It's probably many people's worst nightmare, being found unconscious in their shower by parents or family members. Does pain really go away after death or do people end up in a place where their pain follows them?
Sam was still holding the razor contemplating, when a knock on the door jolted her from her thoughts. She jumped back out of the water's path, for it was like ice on her skin. She must have been under the water for quite awhile considering that she used up all the hot water and someone was knocking on the door.
"Sam?!" The voice on the other side of the door sounded almost frantic and it tried to turn the knob.
Sam quickly set down the razor on the shelf and turned the water off before vacating the shower. She pulled her designated towel of the towel rack and wrapped herself up.
"Samantha? Answer me!" Jane sounded like she was about to break the door down.
Quickening her movements Sam walked over to the door with one hand holding up the towel she used the other to unlock and open the door. Jane breathed a sigh of relief as Sam came into view.
"You've been in here for over an hour" Jane stated. "I was….I was worried you had tried something." Jane whispered the last part, slightly embarrassed that she had thought the worst of Sam.
"Sorry I kind of zoned out in the shower." Sam confessed for it wasn't a complete lie.
"It's okay, Sam." Jane contemplated how exactly she was going to say the next part. "Don't…don't think I do not trust you, but I would like if you would keep the door unlocked."
Sam started to get angry, she knew why her mother asked this of her but it was still bothersome. "What is going to keep you, or anyone else, barging in the next time I zone out in the shower?"
"It will just be for awhile, Sam. I promise that I will knock and if you answer me within 1 minute I won't barge in."
"Fine," Sam was still not happy but she could deal with it.
Jane stayed where she was, blocking Sam's path out of the bathroom. "So are you hungry now?"
"Um no" Sam had created a puddle on the floor and she was starting to shiver. "Could I please go change?"
"Of course let me know if you change your mind." Jane stepped to the side and Sam made her way to her room. "No locking the door." Jane added just as Sam started to shut her bedroom door. She ended up slamming it causing the wall to vibrate.
Sam picked out a pair of dark sweats and a light grey long-sleeve and threw them on before dropping down on her made bed. Her bed felt like heaven compared to the stiff thin hospital bed. Even though she was afraid of sleep, exhaustion took hold and she drifted off in the middle of her bed.
Brooke rushed home after school, wanting to check on Sam and see how she was doing. She entered the kitchen and saw Jane at the counter doing some paper work. Jane looked up and smiled at Brooke presence.
"Hi, Brooke. Did you want a snack?" Jane started move off the stool, anticipating having to get a snack made for her."
Brooke shook her head, "No, Jane sit back down I'm not that hungry."
Jane sat back down on her seat. She watched as Brooke nervously picked at her nails looking as though she was trying to decide what to do. Jane guessed that Brooke was wondering about Sam but didn't want to seem like she was.
"She's in her room. I checked on her an hour ago and she was conked out." Jane spoke up and when she saw a frown appear on Brooke's face she decided to add something, that would lighten Brooke's mood. "Maybe you could check on her and see if she feels like having something to eat."
Brooke let a small smile grace her face before heading for the stairs. It took a lot for her not to run up the stairs and burst into Sam's room. She lightly knocked on the door. There wasn't a response and Brooke wasn't sure if she should try again or just open the door. She didn't want to just open the door because that would be overstepping. She chose instead to knock again but before her knuckles made contact with the hard surface she heard a whimper. Her fist froze in its place and her head turned to the side allowing her ear to get closer to the door. She heard a faint "No" and then crying from the other side of the door. She figured that maybe that Sam had heard her knock and didn't want anyone bothering her. She was about to walk away but paused when she heard thrashing of sheets and the word "no" repeated with such a frightening voice.
Brooke didn't bother to knock she opened the door and entered the dark room. The blackout curtains were doing their job and not allowing daylight to penetrate into the room. The only light was the glow of the alarm clock on the nightstand to the right of Sam's bed. The blue glow made the scene in front of her all the more disturbing. Sam was struggling like something was holding her down and the glow of the clock was sending shadows up onto the wall. She realized that Sam was reliving her nightmare in a dream state where she most likely felt more helpless. Brooke unfroze from her spot in just beyond the threshold of the bedroom door and approached the bed quietly not wanting to scare Sam if she were to wake up and see a silhouette of a person coming towards her.
Brooke sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook Sam's shoulder. "Sam, wake up. Sam"
Sam flew up into a sitting position and then scurried backwards till her back hit her headboard. Sam was shaking and trying to catch her breath. Brooke held her up her hands in front of her as a sign of keeping her distance till Sam caught up to reality.
"Sam you're safe. You were having a nightmare." Brooke dropped her hands into her lap. "You are safe."
Sam's eyes came into focus and locked onto the blonde's. Brooke shivered at the deadness that she saw there. Sam was still shaking as she spoke.
"Nightmare?" Sam's voice was a harsh whisper. "It's not something that goes away when I wake up, Brooke. It is reality. It is my reality. I relive it every time I close my eyes. I'm living in my own personal hell. Do you know why I started taking drugs in the first place?"
Brooke shook her head. She had her assumptions but wasn't positive about any of them.
"It started because of memories and feeling of prom night. I kept telling myself that it was because I was still in physical pain and that the doctor's were not understanding the pain I was still feeling, so I supplemented with drugs from these people I meet at physical therapy." Sam looked down at her hands. "They kept my memories and self loathing feelings at bay. The other night happened and no matter how much I took, the images kept flashing in my mind. I lost all control, the drugs were not helping me gain that control back." Sam looked back up at Brooke. "You have no idea how much I really want those drugs right now. The only thing stopping me from taking more pills is the fact that I'm broke and all my hiding spots are empty; that, and the fact that it would crush my mom to put her through this situation again. I feel like I'm hurting her every time she looks at me since waking up in the hospital. It would have been better if I had died because I wouldn't be a reminder of how screwed up of a daughter she had. Yeah she would be upset that I died but over time she would have come to terms and moved on from it. Now I feel as if I can only continue to hurt her. I hurt everyone who dares to care for me. "
Brooke was speechless. She wasn't sure what to say. She was going to speak but Sam spoke up before she could.
"How is Harrison?" Sam didn't really care but she figured that a change in subject was needed and talking about Harrison reminded her that Brooke was taken and didn't feel the same way about her.
"Huh?" Brooke was confused as to why Sam would be asking about Harrison. She was wondering if what Sam had said earlier had actually been said or was a figment of her imagination, because Sam was looking at her questioning face with her own confused face.
"I asked how Harrison is doing?" Sam clarified for the blonde.
"I would guess okay, but I don't really know." Brooke frowned realizing that after her break up with Harrison she didn't really think much about him and didn't see him at school today, not that she was paying much attention.
"Well, don't let worrying about me turn you into a sucky girlfriend," Sam tried to lighten the mood and deflect from the negative that had been hanging in the air.
Brooke winced. "Well, I was a 'sucky' girlfriend and I broke up with him."
"What?!" Sam's mind whirled. This wasn't supposed to happen. Brooke was supposed to be in a happy relationship with Harrison because she took the hit and saved Brooke's life. That night and this most recent time she should have died yet here she was fate laughing in her face. It was like punishment. It was dangling Brooke's new found single status in her face and reminding her that she was a complete mess that hurt everyone that dared to love her.
A/N 2: Leave a review. They make my day and encourage me to keep going. Reviews or even a simple comment let me know people are still interested in this story.