Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any recognizable characters! Me no own, you no sue!
Disclaimer 2: Tears In Heaven lyrics copyrighted by Eric Clapton
A/N: Another BIG thank you to my team of beta readers, you guys are truly amazing! This chapter turned out to be much longer than I had originally planned it to be, but it had to be long to fit the entire song throughtout the storyline. Have a box of tissue near by, this is definately a tear jerker! I made myself cry while writing this (how pathetic is that? lol)!
Chapter One
It was over an hour before Captain Cragen returned to the 16th precinct. He stopped before he entered the building and pulled out his cell phone. He sighed as he dialed Casey's cell number. "Are you still at the House?" he asked when she answered.
"Don," she spoke in surprise. "No, I just got back to my office about fifteen minutes ago. Why?"
He paced back and forth in front of the elevator, rubbing his forehead with his free hand. "I need you to come back. And I need you to bring Melinda," he said, referring to their Medical Examiner who was also one of Olivia's closest friends.
"Now?"
"Right now."
"What's wrong?" Casey asked, fear beginning to creep into her voice.
"I just need you here, asap," Don answered. "Olivia's gonna need you… both of you," he added quietly. "I'll wait for you at the elevator." He snapped his cell phone closed and slid it back into his pocket as he continued to pace.
Less than ten minutes passed before Casey and Melinda arrived from their offices, a few streets away. They ran into the building and over to Cragen who was standing in front of the elevator.
"What's going on?" Melinda asked anxiously as she and Casey followed Cragen onto the elevator.
"I'll tell you upstairs," his voice was barely audible. "It's gonna be hard enough to get this out one time… I can't do it more than once."
Casey and Melinda turned to each other, sharing a look of concern, knowing it had to be bad for it to rattle Captain Cragen. Fear gripped their hearts as they both turned back to the Captain. They glanced at each other again as the elevator slowly carried them up. They had been friends long enough to know, with just one look, that the same thoughts were running through both of their minds. They were worried, knowing that whatever news Captain Cragen had, held the power to destroy Olivia. They knew he wouldn't have called them, much less called them both, to be there if the news wasn't bad… really bad.
Together, the three of them exited the elevator and walked down the hall, entering the squad room.
Olivia, sitting at her desk, looked up from her paperwork. "Back already, Case? Hey, Mel. I was getting ready to call you in a few minutes." She greeted her friends with a smile.
"I heard your good news." Melinda smiled nervously. "Congratulations, Liv."
"Thanks." Olivia's smile slowly faded as she looked from her friends to her boss and back to her friends. She stood and took a couple of steps toward them. "What's wrong?"
"I… I dunno…" Casey answered for both of them as they both turned their gaze to Cragen. "Captain called and asked us to come."
"Cap?" Olivia asked with a frown as she looked to him as well.
Cragen sighed and ran a hand down his face. He bit his bottom lip then called to the other two detectives sitting across the room. "John… Fin…"
The two men looked up at their Captain then looked at each other, frowns of concern marring both of their faces. They stood and walked over to the group.
"What's up, Cap?" Fin asked.
"Yeah, where'd you disappear to?" Munch added.
"Guys… I… I dunno how to say this…"
"Just say it… you're making me really nervous…" Olivia's voice shook, her nervousness becoming obvious.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
"I received a call…" Cragen's voice cracked as he struggled to find the right words. "And I had to go take care of some business…"
"What business?" Munch's eyes darted from the Captain to his fellow colleagues.
"Olivia…" Cragen cleared his throat, trying to mask the tears that were threatening to silence his voice.
"Wh… What is it?" Olivia was visibly trembling now and she leaned against Casey and Melinda as they instinctively moved closer to her.
Captain Cragen reached into his pocket and slowly pulled something out. "Liv… I'm so sorry…" He slowly extended his arm and opened his fist.
A collective gasp rose from the group as the light reflected off the metal objects in his hand.
Olivia reached out a trembling hand and slowly took them from him. She stared at the objects for a moment before a sob ripped from her throat. "NO!"
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
Melinda and Casey quickly tightened their grip, holding Olivia up as her knees gave out and buckled underneath her.
"Ok, ok… it's ok… we got you…" Melinda soothed, tears in her own eyes as she and Casey supported Olivia's entire weight.
Cragen grabbed the closest chair and quickly moved it over to them, holding it in place as they lowered Olivia down onto the seat. Both women dropped to the floor, kneeling in front of their hysterical friend.
"Nooo…" Olivia sobbed, the ball chain hanging from her fingers as her husband's dog tags dangled below her hand.
Fin and Munch hurried over, both leaning over to hug Olivia as she sobbed into her hands.
Munch gently rubbed Olivia's back, mumbling soft condolences in her ear, as he hugged her. His heart constricted in his chest as he silently tried to give her his strength.
Fin hugged her tightly. Tears clogged his throat and he couldn't speak as he not only mourned the loss of his friend, but also felt Olivia's pain as her heart shattered with grief.
Melinda and Casey continued kneeling in front of Olivia, silent tears rolling down both of their faces as they tried to comfort their friend.
Melinda gently rubbed Olivia's knee. "I'm so sorry, honey… so sorry," she murmured quietly.
A soft, shaky sigh escaped from Casey's lips, her heart breaking for her friend. "We're right here," she whispered as she squeezed Olivia's free hand. "You're not alone," she promised, addressing the fear she knew was in Olivia's mind and heart.
The squad room was eerily silent, with the exception of Olivia's muffled sobs. An almost physical heaviness could be felt as the news, that one of their own had fallen, settled in on the makeshift family.
Munch was the first to let go of Olivia. He slowly raised up to face Cragen. "Cap?" he asked with tears shining in his eyes. "Are you sure?"
Cragen nodded. "I went to identify the body… that was the call I received."
I must be strong
And carry on,
"I want to see him," Olivia stood on wobbling knees as an unexpected courage filled her heart. Her mind raced with thoughts of wanting… no, needing to see and identify her husband's body herself.
"That's not a good idea," Fin spoke gently.
"He's my husband. I should see him."
"Liv…" Cragen spoke up. "Fin's right, it's not a good idea."
"But…"
The captain shook his head. "I didn't want to tell you like this, but he was hurt too badly. He was unrecognizable. You don't need that image in your head. You need to remember him the way he was."
"Wh… What happened?" her voice trembled.
"Land mine," he spoke quietly. "They're not sure if Elliot stepped on it or if the guy beside him stepped on it. But he…" Captain Cragen swallowed hard, trying to hold back his tears. "He was burned… badly."
Casey and Melinda looked at each other as they continued kneeling in front of Olivia. The worry was evident in both of their eyes. They knew it had to have been horrific to upset the Captain and for him to say it wasn't a good idea for Olivia to see her husband.
"Tell me," Olivia spoke quietly, her voice shaking as she slowly sat back down.
"What?" Cragen asked with a confused frown.
"How bad?"
"Olivia…"
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
"Just tell me, Don!" she snapped, one of the rare times she actually called the Captain by his first name.
"He was unrecognizable," he repeated his earlier explanation.
"Then how do you know it was him? Did they identify him by his dental records?"
"No," Cragen spoke softly as he looked down at his feet. "His teeth were gone."
"Then how?" Olivia asked, getting more upset by the minute.
"His eyes were blue and his hair was brown."
"That's all? That could be anybody!"
"And by his dog tags." The Captain looked up and motioned to the tags still clutched in Olivia's hand.
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
A little while later, Melinda finished talking to Captain Cragen then made her way back across the squad room to where Olivia was sitting at Elliot's desk. She leaned over and patted Olivia's shoulder. "Come on, Sweetie," she spoke quietly and gently. "Let's get you home."
Olivia, seemingly lost in her own thoughts, wiped away tears that were still rolling down her cheeks. She looked up at Melinda, a blank look on her face, her eyes red and puffy from crying. "Huh?" she asked as even more tears filled her eyes.
Melinda reached down and gently helped Olivia to her feet. "Time to go home."
"Go home?" Olivia spoke quietly. "To what? An empty house?" she shook her head. "No thanks, I'd rather just stay here in the cribs."
"No, honey," Melinda answered softly. "You need to go home. You need food and you need rest."
Olivia sighed and shook her head, refusing the thought. "I don't want to go home to an empty house," a wave of fresh tears rolled down her pale cheeks. "I don't want to be alone," she admitted, her voice barely audible.
"You're not alone, hon," Casey repeated her earlier promise as she stood from where she was seated at Olivia's desk. "We'll stay with you."
"For as long as you need us," Melinda added in agreement.
Casey reached down, opened the lower desk drawer and retrieved Olivia's purse. She looked up and met Melinda's gaze before looking at Olivia. "I got your purse. Anything else you want to take home?"
Olivia shook her head as she took a few steps away from the desks. Suddenly, she stopped and turned back. "Wait…" her voice still tight with tears. "The picture. I want the picture."
"Which one, hon?" Casey asked kindly.
"The framed picture on El's desk…" her voice cracked.
"This one?" Casey asked, holding up an elaborate frame that was hosting a picture of Elliot and Olivia feeding each other cake at their wedding reception.
Olivia nodded as she took the frame from her friend. "Thanks," she whispered. She bit her bottom lip and ran her finger down the glass of the picture frame. A shaky sigh escaped from her lips as she hugged the frame to her chest.
Melinda wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist as she swayed slightly. "Don't pass out on me."
"I won't," her voice trembled and she swayed again.
Casey wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist as well, to help support her.
Tears rolled down Olivia's face and she clutched the picture frame even tighter, as if it was a lifeline. She bowed her head, looking down at her feet and allowed her friends to lead her out.
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
After a quick 10 minute ride across town, Olivia stood on the front porch of her house, the picture frame in one hand and her keys in the other. Her hands shook as she tried to unlock the front door. She dropped the keys and sighed as she leaned over to pick them up. She tried again to get the key into the lock but the trembling of her hands prevented her from accomplishing the task.
"Liv," Melinda spoke gently as she took the keys. "Let me do it for you."
Olivia willingly relinquished the keys and stepped back away from the door.
Melinda quickly unlocked and opened the door. She held the door open, allowing Olivia and Casey to enter then followed them in.
"I'll get you something to eat," Casey said as she turned and started toward the kitchen.
"No," Olivia's quiet, broken voice stopped Casey in her steps.
"You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"You have to think of the baby you're carrying," Melinda spoke up.
"I'll eat later. I promise," Olivia whispered. "Just not right now."
Casey and Melinda exchanged a concerned look, both knowing that Olivia wouldn't eat unless they pressed the issue and refused to take "no" as an answer.
"Alright," Casey agreed reluctantly. "But I'm gonna hold you to that."
Olivia nodded then sighed as she rubbed a hand down her face. "I just want to go to bed."
"Liv…" Melinda began but was quickly cut off.
"I just need to sleep, Mel. This is all too fresh and I don't want to feel anymore. I just want to sleep for awhile." And with that, Olivia made her way up the staircase with the picture frame still clutched in one hand and disappeared around the corner, leaving her two friends with nothing to do but stare after her retreating figure.
I'll find my way
Through night and day,
"What are we gonna do?" Casey asked once Olivia was out of earshot.
"I dunno," Melinda answered. "I think the only thing we can do is just be here for her and make sure she's taking care of herself. Now, she has the baby to think about, too."
Casey nodded. "I've never seen her this broken."
"Me either," Melinda agreed. "It's kinda scary to see her this way, she's always so strong."
"Exactly…" Casey sighed. "And as scary as it is for us, it has to be worse for Liv."
"I think she probably feels lost and maybe even weak. And that's not a feeling she's used to, at least not anymore. I don't think she's felt that way since she left her mother's house," Melinda replied.
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.
Back at the precinct, Fin and Munch sat in the office with Captain Cragen.
"There has to be something we can do." Fin finally broke the silence that had stretched among the men for almost half an hour.
"This sucks," Munch grumbled. "She gets such amazing news this morning and she's on cloud nine. Then, not even three hours later, she gets knocked to her knees with this heart-wrenching event."
"I knew this would shatter her." Cragen sighed. "I didn't want to tell her. I prayed from the time I got the call until the moment they pulled the sheet back, that it was a mistake, that it wasn't Elliot."
"Are you ok?" Fin asked, suddenly realizing how hard it must have been for the Captain to have to identify the body of fellow officer and friend, of a man that was like a son to him.
Cragen quickly brushed away a couple of tears before they could fall. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just worried about Olivia."
"Maybe we should make the funeral arrangements so Liv doesn't have to worry about it," Munch suggested.
"I dunno," Fin answered with a small frown. "I think Baby-Girl might want to do that herself."
"Well, we can offer to do it for her and let her decide if she wants us to or if she prefers to handle it herself," Cragen cut in, settling the question of what to do.
Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Several hours passed and Melinda glanced at the clock as she put the last of the newly prepared meals into Olivia's refrigerator.
"Think we should wake Liv now?" Casey asked as she finished loading the dishwasher.
"I hate to because I know she needs to rest but she also needs to eat," Melinda answered. "If not for herself, then for the baby."
Casey nodded. "Let's go."
Together, the two women walked out of the kitchen and made their way upstairs.
Casey knocked lightly before opening the door to the master bedroom. She stepped into the room and sighed sadly at the sight of her friend.
Olivia was laying on what was clearly Elliot's side of the bed. She was curled up, almost in a fetal position, on her side with her back to the door. Even in sleep, she clung to Elliot's pillow as if it was her lifeline. She shifted slightly, burying her face deeper into the pillow.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please,
Begging please.
Melinda sat down on the edge of the bed, behind Olivia, and gently laid her hand on her friend's back. "Liv…" she spoke quietly.
Olivia stirred but didn't wake.
Melinda shook her gently. "Come on, Liv. Wake up, honey."
Olivia rolled over onto her back and stretched before slowly opening her eyes. She sat up in bed and frowned in confusion as her eyes darted from Melinda who was sitting on the bed to Casey who was still standing in the bedroom doorway and back to Melinda. "What are you guys do-" She stopped mid-question as memories from earlier in the day flooded her mind and her senses. Tears immediately sprung to her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "No…" she closed her eyes tightly and shook her head as she remembered Captain Cragen's tearful announcement.
"Liv…" Melinda reached over and laid a comforting hand on Olivia's shoulder.
"No!" Olivia cried, remembering the weight and the coldness of Elliot's dog tags in her hand.
Melinda gently pulled Olivia into a hug. "I'm so sorry, honey," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"I want him back…" she sobbed.
Casey hurried over and sat on the bed, wrapping her arms around Olivia too. "Shhh…" she soothed. "It's ok."
"No, it's not," Olivia sobbed even harder. "Nothing's okay without him. Nothing! I want him back… I want my husband back!"
Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
It took nearly an hour for Melinda and Casey to get Olivia calm enough to get her to eat; and even then, they only managed to get a few spoonfuls of soup into her… and that was after begging and pleading with her, trying to persuade her to eat, for the health of her baby. Olivia finally gave in and swallowed a few bites before once again becoming too upset to eat any more. Her friends finally relented when Olivia said that swallowing even one more spoonful would cause every bite she had taken to come back up. They wanted her to talk, to get her feelings out in the open; but she begged off, claiming she just needed sleep. They tried to convince her to stay awake for awhile, but let it go when her quiet cries turned into sobs.
Casey pulled the covers up over Olivia who was already asleep again while Melinda gathered the tray and the food that was barely touched. They quietly left the master bedroom, leaving the door halfway open in case Olivia needed them.
"I'm really worried about her," Casey admitted quietly.
"I am too," Melinda whispered as she carried the tray downstairs.
"I wish there was something we could do to make this easier for her."
"I don't think that's possible. I don't think there's anything that could make this easier. Elliot was her entire world. Her heart isn't just broken… it's shattered."
"Yeah." Casey agreed with a sigh as she followed Melinda into the kitchen.
"I think all we can do is just be here for her, help hold her up. Things are gonna get worse before they get better. And I'm not so sure she can stand up under all this stress," Melinda confessed.
"I'm not sure, either."
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.
A little later, Casey and Melinda sat in Olivia's living room, the tv on with the sound turned down low. Silence stretched between them, both lost in their own thoughts.
The doorbell rang, bringing them both back to the present.
"I got it," Melinda pushed up from where she was sitting on the couch. She walked over and looked out the peephole. "It's Fin," she called back to Casey before opening the front door.
"Hey," Fin nodded in greeting.
"Hey Fin. Come on in," Melinda responded, holding the door open for him.
Fin entered the house and turned back to Melinda. "How's Liv doing?"
"Not good," she responded, leading him into the living room.
"Hey Casey," he said when he saw the red-head sitting on the couch. "I thought I'd find you both still here."
"Of course," Casey answered kindly. "We wouldn't leave Liv alone in a time like this."
"No matter how many times she tries to send us away," Melinda added.
"I take it, she's tried that already?" Fin questioned.
"More than once," Casey replied.
"That's Liv for you," Fin said as he sat down in the recliner.
"More than a dozen times," Melinda admitted as she returned to the couch.
"But being alone is the last thing she needs right now," Fin sighed.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
"You don't have to stay. Mel and I are both staying," Casey said a couple of hours later as she handed Fin a set of clean sheets, a blanket and a pillow.
"I know," Fin answered. "I'll just feel better if I stay too."
"Alright," Casey nodded. "Melinda and I can bunk together in one guest room and you can have the other one."
"No, the couch is fine. You guys use the rooms."
"If you're sure…"
"Positive."
"Ok, Mel's in the one on the right; I'll be in the one on the left. I'm gonna look in on Olivia before I turn in."
Fin nodded and turned his attention to making up the couch. "Night, Casey."
"Night," she replied then went back upstairs.
A couple of minutes later, Casey stopped by the room where Melinda was staying and stuck her head in the open doorway. "I'm headed to bed."
Melinda looked up from the book she was reading, "Me too. I'm going as soon as I finish this chapter."
"I just checked on Liv. She's still sound asleep," Casey said as she leaned against the doorframe.
"Yeah, I did too, about fifteen minutes ago. I'm gonna check on her again in a little while. I don't like the way she looks."
"Her eyes are red and puffy from crying so much."
"And she's pale… too pale."
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
Casey said good night and went to the other guest room. She quickly changed into some comfy pj's then crawled into bed, taking her cell phone with her. She leaned against the headboard of the bed and dialed Captain Cragen's number.
Glancing at the caller ID on his cell, Cragen picked up before the second ring. "Casey, how's Olivia?" the concern was evident in his voice.
"Asleep for now," she answered.
"How long has she been asleep?" Cragen asked, clearly worried about the woman he loved as a daughter.
"Since we got her home, with the exception of about an hour and a half."
"I'm guessing she didn't eat anything."
"Only a few spoonfuls of soup. She was just too upset. She started sobbing as soon as Melinda woke her up to eat."
Cragen sighed and his voice trembled slightly with unshed tears.
"I don't think there's much we can do," Casey said quietly. "I think we just have to wait and be here for her when she's ready and able to face it."
I must be strong
And carry on,
The next morning, Fin woke with the feeling of someone was watching him. He opened his eyes and slowly looked around the living room. He sat up and smiled slightly when he saw Olivia curled up across the room in Elliot's recliner, her gaze resting on him. "Hey there."
Olivia blinked but didn't respond. She pulled her legs up closer and wrapped her arms around them, laying her chin on her knees.
Fin stood and quickly pulled the blanket and sheets off of the couch, refolding them and placing them on the coffee table with the pillow. "How are you feeling?"
She continued watching him but still didn't answer.
He sat back down and patted the couch next to him. "Come here, Baby-Girl."
She didn't move at first but she slowly stood a moment later. She walked over to the couch and sank down next to Fin.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and spoke soothingly. "I'm glad to see you awake."
She sighed silently and wiped away tears as she leaned against him.
"Hey." Fin placed his hand under Olivia's chin and turned her face up to him. He frowned when he finally got a good look at her eyes. "Dang, Liv. Your eyes look raw. I know they have to be sore."
"They burn… a lot," she replied softly. "Feels like they're on fire."
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
Half an hour later, Melinda gently dabbed some ointment on the swollen, red semicircles under Olivia's eyes.
Olivia winced and inhaled, the breath hissing through her gritted teeth.
"I'm sorry," Melinda said apologetically. "I know it hurts. I'm almost done," she quickly but gently finished and put the cap back on the ointment. "That should help a little."
"Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. That's what friends are for. We'll see how they're doing in a little while. Ok?"
Olivia nodded in agreement.
"You need anything else?"
"Just my husband," her voice was barely audible.
"You have no idea how much I wish I could give you that," Melinda spoke softly, her heart breaking for her friend.
Olivia blinked rapidly a few times to keep the tears from falling then moved from the couch back to Elliot's recliner.
"I'm gonna go help Casey and Fin with breakfast," Melinda said as she moved across the room. "You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"Your baby needs nourishment," Melinda responded kindly before disappearing into the kitchen.
Olivia settled back further into Elliot's recliner and pulled her knees up. She rested one hand on her stomach and whispered brokenly into the empty room. "I need you El… our baby needs you. I can't do this without you." She squeezed her eyes shut and tears slipped out from under her closed eyelids. "You can't be dead, El. You just can't be… I can still feel you."
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
A/N 2: Please leave me a review. Let me know what you think, good or bad!