Chapter Three
Eligible Humanoid: Thane Krios
"One moment," the assassin said, putting his palms together and bending over the body of Nassana. "Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."
Shepard turned and stared at Garrus.
"He's a fish," she heard Grunt muttered to himself from behind her.
"What?" Garrus whispered, watching her staring at him.
"He's just like you!" Shepard said. "He just shushed me. Do all you hot blooded males think that shushing a woman while acting all cool is cool? And to think I thought he was sexy when he dropped down from the vent like he did just now."
"He is cool," Grunt said.
Shepard and Garrus turned to Grunt and gawked at the Krogan. That came as a surprise. They never thought the tank born would actually think anyone cool. Actually, Shepard and Garrus never thought Grunt even understood the meaning of the word.
"He reminds me of the watermelon I ate yesterday," Ok... They were right about Grunt not knowing the meaning of the word.
"Same green and red," Grunt continued without looking at either of them. "His eyes look like the seeds. The melon was cool. Saw it in the refrigerator. Told the cook I would throw him in there with the melon and eat him when he was cold if he didn't give me some of it and he gave me the whole thing. It looked just like this guy here. Same shape as his head too. Very cool. Except he is a fish, not a melon."
"We were not referring to the temperature...," Garrus shook his head. Shepard turned back to staring at him. "Stop staring at me like that, Shepard. You shushed me all the time."
"That's different," Shepard said.
"So, you can shush me but no one can shush you?"
"Yap."
"If he doesn't stop praying for that woman in ten seconds, can I shush him? Then, can I eat him?" Grunt asked. "I am hungry."
"No, Grunt," Shepard answered him. "You can shush him but you can't eat him. How many times have I told you that just because something looks like food doesn't make it automatically food?"
"If he doesn't stop praying for that dead Asari, I'll change that rule and make him into food."
"Not for her, for me," the assassin said.
Grunt scratched his head.
"I was praying for my own soul," the Drell said.
"Huh...?" Grunt asked.
"The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone," the Drell said and turned to Shepard. "Take you, for instance, all this destruction... chaos."
"I like destruction," Grunt said. "But planned destruction is better than chaotic destruction. Planned destruction is like a work of art."
"I was talking about her, not you," the Drell said.
"She likes it too," Grunt said.
"It's not the destruction that is the main idea," the Drell was patient. He did not even shake his head. "It's the measure of an individual and the difficulty to discern by actions that is."
"Your action tells me that you can't discern what I am saying," Grunt frowned. "And I measure that you might not be as tasty as the melon yesterday but I won't be difficult. Shepard said I shouldn't be choosy with food."
Garrus chuckled quietly but Shepard shushed him anyway.
"I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me," the Drell ignored the young Krogan. "Well, here I am."
"You knew we were coming?" Garrus asked.
"I didn't. Not until you matched in the front door and started shooting."
"That was fun!" Grunt punched his hand. "We don't do that often enough."
"Grunt," Shepard warned.
"Fine," Grunt said.
"Nassana had become paranoid. You saw the strength of her guard force. She believed one of her sisters would kill her. You were a valuable distraction."
"You're calling me a distraction?" Shepard said.
"Yes," the Drell answered.
"She can be quite the distraction at times," Garrus said, absently thoughtful.
"Why, Garrus," Shepard smiled. "I've no idea! I'll take that as a compliment. Is that why you are always watching my six?"
Garrus' eyes suddenly ducted from the Drell to his Commander. His brow plates moved. He frowned.
"No... I like watching your six... But not like that!"
The Drell let out a small breath of laughter.
"I think your face is a distraction," Grunt said to the assassin. "It keeps reminding me of the melon."
The Drell let loose a deep sigh and finally shook his head.
"Grunt," Shepard said. "What's with you and your interruption today? You said we human talk too much but you're talking a lot today."
"You said you didn't like being shushed," Grunt shrugged. "So I am shushing him back for you. I succeeded, didn't I? Heh...Heh...Heh...Heh."
Shepard, too, shook her head and gestured the Drell to speak a little farther from her two teammates.
"You're a good boy, Grunt," Garrus laughed after they were gone.
"I know I am," Grunt laughed back and then he stopped abruptly and looked fixedly at Garrus."Watching Shepard's six, huh? Next on my menu is you, Turian."
"Attacking the Collectors will require passing through the Omega 4 relay," Thane was saying after Shepard had told him what she was here for.
"No ship has ever returned from doing so."
Shepard had to agreed with Grunt. This Drell was indeed yummy, she thought as she watched him speak with the professionalism of a businessman. She was trying very subtly not to let anyone notice she was looking the assassin up and down while he wasn't directly looking at her.
And those lips... Those lips looked so kissable, Shepard thought. They were so very plump and soft and... fish like... Yes. Definitely fish like... Grunt was right. This guy looked like a fish. A green fish with legs. Those lips were fish lips, alright. An image of Thane Krios swimming naked in her fish tank, his mouth producing bubbles which made those "blop... blop..." sound suddenly flashed in front of her mind.
"My ship will be the first one to do it then," Shepard said, mentally whacking her head to pull herself out of her slight trace.
"You do build a career on performing the impossible," Thane said quietly. "This was to be my last job. I'm dying."
"Oh...," Shepard said. That was a bummer. Dying is not a good thing when she was thinking about making out with him.
"Is there anything I can do?" She asked. "I've a hornless... I mean genius geneticist onboard."
"It's a disease that forbids the lungs from taking in oxygen," the Drell said. "It will eventually spread to other organs. There is no cure. It is noncommunicable, do not be alarmed."
Shepard nodded with compassion, but was thinking if Thane Krios would hyperventilate suddenly while in the middle of a kiss. Not enough oxygen in the lungs, he had said. Would she have to give him CPR suddenly in the middle of kissing him? That would be like a total reversal of a kiss with the whole mouth contact thing. A total turn off. Shepard felt a little ashamed of herself. There he was telling her he was dying and here she was, thinking about the possibility of smooching this guy and suffocating him. Seriously though, would kissing kill him?
As if reading her mind, Thane continued, "Low survival odds don't concern me," he said. "The abduction of your colonists does. I will work for you, Shepard. No charge."
Oh, great! Suffocating or not, finally a hottie on the ship. Thane would definitely put that Jacob Taylor into some extra overload of "Gees, should I work more on those abs" competitiveness so he did not think he was God sent to all human females. Thane Krios was a must-have, if not for his skills, his ability to put the human Cerberus agent's abs to shame. Maybe now, Jacob would be too busy worrying about his own attractiveness and stop implying every word Shepard said to him was her intention to throw herself at him and slut all over him.
"Welcome aboard," Shepard grinned and shook the Drell's hand excitedly.
Not all Shepard's dreams were about dying or destruction. Sometimes, like now, it was more about just being in that odd part of the Twilight Zone when it came to dreaming.
The three of them was running to the fish stranded on land.
"I'm dying!" The fish screamed. "I can't breathe!"
"We're coming!" The one in front of her called out in Garrus' voice, flapping and wobbling as he dashed toward the fish. Shepard noticed he was naked. Was that a crown on his head? "Where's the tank?" The thing who was Garrus asked.
"Garrus," Shepard said, still running behind him toward the fish. "You're naked..."
"Of course I'm naked!" Garrus shouted back. "Jacob stole our armor, remember? You pissed him off!"
"But... but... but," Shepard said. "But you're a featherless...chicken."
"Of course I'm a chicken! What else can I be! And now I'm featherless all thanks to you! I already told you not to deflate Jacob! He just inflated himself back with the water from life support!" Garrus took a breath before continuing. "He stole all my feathers while I was in the shower! I was going to preen them! That no good son of a bitch! Now look what he did to Thane! You know Thane was holding up in Life Support! He needs the water!" Garrus wobbled up to the fish. "Who's got the tank?"
"I do," Grunt said from behind her. She turned around hoping not to see an oversized toad and was glad Grunt was still very much Grunt. "I ate it."
"What?" Shepard and Garrus shouted.
"I was hungry," Grunt said.
"What are we going to do?" Shepard said. "Thane needs the tank!"
"I'm dying!" Thane said, frantically thrashing about on the floor. "I can't breathe!"
Suddenly, Thane's hyoid bone appeared out of no where and he blew his throat and cheeks up. He looked from one to another, trying to speak but only getting out muffled sounds.
"Mmm...hmm...," Thane struggled to say something.
"He has not enough time left!" Garrus said worriedly.
"Stick him in my mouth," Grunt said. "It will do till we take him to Shepard's tank upstairs."
"Don't eat him!" Garrus warned the Krogan.
"Of course!" Grunt said, offended.
"Grunt won't eat Thane," Shepard was confident when she said that. "It's not even Christmas yet."
Garrus looked questioningly at her with his head cocked to one side for a bit before helping her lift Thane's slimy form off the floor. He did not ask why. Grunt spread his legs for better stability and opened his mouth wide.
"Thane's a Christmas fish," Shepard explained as they shoved him into Grunt's mouth. "Grunt can't eat him till its Christmas!"
"Ok...," the chicken that was Garrus pecked at Grunt's back and ordered. "Take him upstairs now. Shepard and I will get Jacob. He couldn't have gone far. He's bloated and swollen from a ton of water retention..."
"Let's get that truck," Garrus pointed at the Mako next to the kitchen with one of his featherless chicken wing. "And I'm driving!"
Shepard felt someone walk passed and put something near her. One of her eyes unbolted itself wide open and she found herself looking at the Garrus' Thanix Cannon.
"Did I fall asleep on your cot again?" Shepard asked.
"That you did," Garrus said without looking up from his work. "Made you something. It's still hot."
Shepard saw the still steaming cup by the crate next to the cot.
"If it's coffee," she made a twitch of her nose, disgusted. "I'm not drinking it. Coffee on this ship taste like mud."
"Relax, Shepard," Garrus said, still not looking up. "It's Earl Grey. With milk and enough sugar to preserve you for a second resurrection. Just the way you always made it before you complain about the sugar after drinking it."
Shepard made another twitch of disgust but took the tea and sipped it slowly.
"I had a strange dream," she said as she sipped the tea. "Thane was a fish out of water. And you, me and Grunt was trying to rescue him. We had to put him into Grunt's mouth to take him up to my quarters to put him in the tank because Grunt ate the tank we had with us. And you were running around naked."
"Didn't Grunt call Krios a fish?" Garrus chuckled but was still calibrating. "Never thought you have a thing for me in the buff though."
"He was a fish," Shepard said. "You were a chicken, a featherless, naked chicken."
"What's that?"
"You," Shepard said. "A chicken. It's the most popular food on Earth. And everything taste like chicken, by the way."
"Fish too?" Garrus asked.
"No, fish taste like fish."
"So which taste better? Fish or chicken?"
"Chicken, since everything taste like it."
"How could everything taste like chicken? And like you would know if I taste like chicken," Garrus laughed.
"Is that an invitation to taste you, Garrus?"
"Not if I'm already a chicken. Didn't you taste me in your dream? And if everything taste like it, you would already know how I taste."
"Are you coming on to me?" Shepard smiled.
"Did Thane come on to you?" Garrus asked.
"Not yet," Shepard shook her head.
"Then I will wait till he has before I will," Garrus continued his work.
"Why's that?"
"If I do it first, it would be that awesome, he won't stand a chance," he punched in more numbers.
"He looks like a sex god, you know?" Shepard said. "He wears leather panty hose."
Garrus nodded. He was now almost in full concentration doing his calibration. Shepard watched him and decided he was gone far enough not to have heard her anymore. She got up from his bed and with her tea in her hands, walked out the door to head for her quarters.
"Apparently I taste much better," Garrus said behind her.