Garrus Vakarian was stressed. He was feeling a lot of pressure lately on his plates. First, he had to find a way to tell Shepard about Lantar Sedonis and hoped she would not stop him from doing what he felt was right. Next, he had to hope against hope that their mission would give them the time to hunt that traitor down before he skipped town again. Then, he did not know why he had been having inappropriate feelings for his friend, his commanding officer, who was now sitting besides him and for how long it had been since those inappropriate feelings had started. After they met again in Omega? Before her death? Was his grief for her a product of his attraction way back then? He did not know anymore. On top of all that, due to his new awareness, he was now also clearly aware of feeling a strange sense of biting jealousy over the amount of attention so many had been giving his Commander, including those given by the two people they were having lunch with at the moment. But the most stressful thing he was feeling right now was that this whole lunch plot Shepard had come up with might just explode in front of them, from the plates of the two sitting near him, right into his stomach. And when he said explode, he did not think that was too far away from the truth.
"These doesn't look levo at all," Kelly Chambers was saying. "They look more like dexo garnishing. Don't you think so, Garrus?"
"Of course they are," Shepard answered for him. "Gardner would not be so confused that he put dexo herbs into levo food. Right, Vakarian?"
Garrus looked from Kelly Chambers to Shepard, then to Jacob, who was eating his lunch without so much as a hum.
"That one is eating it," Grunt said, drawing their attention away to Jacob.
And here was another good reason why Garrus was stressed out at the moment. Shepard's loft was crowded. What was supposed to be lunch between four people suddenly came with too many crashing the party, playing the accomplices. These were the other contributors to Shepard's little scheme. Some fine accomplices they were too, considering Kelly Chambers seemed to really think the "garnishes" were dexo, yet none of the party crashers were dexo based but him! He wished Tali was here now.
"Remind me why I am doing this again?" Garrus whispered to Shepard.
"Just think awful looking pink armor," Shepard said quietly back.
"What armor, mate?" Zaeed asked. This man had better ears than an animal. Garrus reminded himself to sit on Zaeed's right instead of his left next time. Maybe his damaged side comes with impaired hearing... Unless it came with cybernetics like Garrus' own injured side... In that case, well then, there would be no whispering around that man.
"I thought I heard something about pink armor?" Zaeed continued.
"Which of you two actually wore pink armor?" Jack asked. "It's like taking a fucking metal teddy bear to a gun fight."
"I'd wear pink armor," Grunt said. "Nothing wrong with pink."
"You would, wouldn't you?" Zaeed laughed.
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob said with a mouthful of food. At least one of Shepard's intended victim was falling for her devious plan.
"Just eat the fucking thing," Jack pointed at Kelly Chambers.
Kelly looked from Garrus to Jack.
"I don't eat food I don't know, Jack," she smiled.
"Hell!" Jack threw her hands in the air. "This woman'll fuck a dead pyjack but not eat some garnishes she had not seen before!"
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob said.
"Enjoying the food, mate?" Zaeed smiled.
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob answered.
Zaeed smiled widened.
"I'm not as adventurous as you, Jack," the Yeoman said. "And I don't sleep with dead pyjacks."
"Are you shitting on me, you fucked up shrink?" Jack poked her finger in the air harder. "Are you shitting on me?"
"No," Kelly shook her head vigorously. "No. I don't mean that. I'm just ..."
"What just happened?" Grunt looked up from his food.
"You Cerberus dogs are all the same fucking shit," Jack was now almost shouting.
"Relax, Jack," Garrus said. "Kelly's just apprehensive about the food."
Kelly nodded vigorously.
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob nodded too.
"Nah," Zaeed said quietly. "Think Kelly doesn't like Jack."
Kelly shook her head vigorously again.
"I knew it!" Jack stood up. Jacob looked up at her, shocked. His mouth opened. He was in the middle if chewing something that could pose as pork chop. It was left half hanging out of his mouth.
"I fucking knew it the moment I came on board that you and the Cheerleader want my ass in the grinder! I"ll fucking fry you with my brain!"
"Woh, woh," Shepard stood up and put her hands on the biotic. "No one's gonna hurt you on the Normandy. Cool it, woman."
"I"ll fucking fry her!"
The Yeoman was visibly beyond distress. Tears were forming in her eyes, making those expressive, non aligned eyes of hers more expressive than usual.
"Poor girl," Zaeed cooed. "Just eat your food, babe. Jack'll be happy seeing you eat it, trust me." He winked.
Low and behold, Kelly Chambers immediately chommed down on her food, nano transmitter , fiber optics and all.
Zaeed smiled and gave her a thumb's up. Shepard watched, a little amazed and assured that her assessment of her Yeoman for not being as perceptive as she had claimed, was correct. Garrus let out a very long breath, relieved. Jack relaxed her shoulders and half closed her huge eyes. Grunt watched the whole exchange with the need for blood in his.
"Heh... Heh... Heh...," he chuckled.
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob said to Kelly, also nodding while stuffing another piece of chop into his mouth.
"Maybe now I'll fry you later," Jack gave a lopsided smile and sat back down.
The Yeoman continued stuffing her face with her lunch like Jacob, who was sitting next to her. Shepard watched the two thinking how very alike their actions were. With that uniform, the two could seriously passed as Cerberus brainwashed crew. Kaiden Alenko had no idea what brainwashed Cerberus looked like. Maybe she should film this down and send a copy to him to troll him so he could fall deeper into that hell for oblivious idiots that he, himself made?
"See, honey," Zaeed said. "No one"ll hurt you now. Just be a good girl and finish that plate of yours. I promise."
"I finished mine," Grunt said. "I'm still hungry."
"You're always hungry," Zaeed said without looking from Kelly. He was really working on his charm, and he had a good one.
"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob said.
"It's rude talking with your mouth full, Human," Grunt said.
"Who fucking taught a Krogan to have fucking class?" Jack asked. She too was still watching Kelly Chambers.
"Shepard did," Grunt said proudly.
After a minute of idle chat, everyone in the room except Jacob, turned and settled their attention back on Kelly Chambers. As Kelly Chambers got more nervous. Everyone paid more attention. Shepard narrowed her eyes and watched Kelly like a hawk. Grunt leaned forward in his seat and grinned.
"I'm still hungry," he said. "If you don't finish your food, I'll eat you."
"That's more like it!" Jack cheered. "That's a fucking Krogan!" She patted Grunt on his back.
"I am pure Krogan," Grunt turned to Jack without leaning back. "You should be in awe."
"Awe this ass," Jack stood, faced her buttocks at him and slapped it twice before sitting back down again.
"You are okay," Grunt laughed. "You are okay for a crazy psychotic bitch."
The two patted each other on the shoulders and laughed. Then suddenly, stopped laughing and turned back to Kelly Chambers.
"Why have you stopped eating?" Jack asked.
"Eat!" Grunt threatened.
"I wouldn't stop if I were you, honey," Zaeed cheered.
Immediately, the Yeoman resumed her eating.
Throughout the exchange, Shepard was the most quiet one while Garrus just watched from the sideline. He was definitely relieved that he did not need to end up being forced to eat the fiber optics. Having Mordin chased him around the ship with any of his scanning devices would not be the way he want to spend this entire trip. So he was glad that the three most irrational members of Shepard's team could actually work so well together. Maybe three irrational, psychological unstable people make one stable team, covering up for each other's psychosis? If anything, Shepard and him might be as bad as anyone of them and they too made a great team. Yes, that they did.
"Go tell Mordin they are almost ready," Shepard whispered to Garrus while Jack and Grunt was getting all of Kelly Chambers' attention as she had theirs.
"Can this wait a bit?" Garrus said. "I'm in the middle of lunch."
"Go now," that was basically an order. "I promise I'll make it up to you with a great dexo dinner when we get to Illum."
"Very well, Shepard. You owe me one."
"This has been fun, guys," he stood up and said to the group. "But I need to finish the calibration in the battery."
"Laters," Zaeed winked.
"Go do what you do, Turian," Grunt said.
"Hmmm... Hmmm," Jacob and Kelly both said.
"Leaving your girlfriend so soon?" Jack asked.
"What?" Shepard, Garrus, Jacob and Kelly all said at the same time. Although Jacob and Kelly's "what" came up sounding more like "fuhat".
"Don't talk with your mouths full!" Grunt scolded the two.
"You call yourself a psychologist?" Jack said to Kelly. "Where the fuck did you get that certified? In an Azure room with fully paid extranet pornsite?"
"Now that you said it," Zaeed rubbed his chin. "They do look like a good pair. Fucking odd. But good pair."
"What?" This time, only Garrus asked. "No..."
"Chill, Vakarian," Shepard said. "I'll handle this. Don't you have work to do?"
"Yes, Commander," Garrus nodded and headed up the steps to the door as if he was on fire.
"Fuck!" Jack laughed. "You two already fucking?"
Jacob choked on his food and started coughing.
"Easy, mate," Zaeed stood up and patted him on his back.
"Useless pyjack," Grunt scolded.
"No one is fucking anyone," Shepard corrected Jack.
"Someone is getting something," Jack said.
"With Grunt having been through puberty, he would be getting some soon," Kelly smiled playfully.
"Sick," Jack said, meaning Kelly.
"Wait," Zaeed's one good eye widened. "These things go through puberty?"
Grunt snarled, "You all are idiots."
"Ok," Shepard stood up. "Lunch is over, guys. Out you go. Take your own plates down. And you two, go see Mordin. He said he wanted to do some scans on you."
When Kelly and Jacob went down to the lab looking for Mordin, he was no where to be found.
"He was always here," Kelly said.
"You don't think," Jacob blinked. "That the someone getting sex is him, do you?"
"Jacob," Kelly Chambers said peppily. "I like you. But you aren't the brightest bulb sometimes. You don't know much about other species, do you?"
"Mordin," Garrus said in a more than urgent manner. "You're not supposed to be down here! Kelly and Jacob would be in the lab shortly to look for you."
"Ah yes," Mordin said causally as they both stepped out of the elevator onto the crew deck. "Can wait. Main battery?"
Mordin started walking toward the mess hall at a speed doubled the time of an average Salarian walk. And Salarians generally walked faster than the rest of the universe. Garrus had no choice but tried and kept up with the scientist.
"Why are you following me back to the battery?" He asked. "You're needed back at the lab."
"Follow?" Mordin said as he sped walked passed the kitchen. "Not following. Walking in front."
"Seriously, Mordin?"
"Made a joke," Mordin said, smiling. "Thought was funny. Not funny?"
They entered the main battery.
"Ha ha ha," Garrus faked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've some calibration to complete."
"Yes," Mordin said causally again as he looked around the room. "Calibration. Very impressive. Saw result on Horizon. Skill put Alenko's to shame. Very agitated when brought it up. Many buttons on console. Red one here. Function?"
"Please don't touch any of my buttons!" Garrus warned.
"Touch, no! Wouldn't dream of it. May accidentally aim cannon at a Hanar ship. Would be unpleasant for Hanars on ship. Hard to explain to Shepard if happened."
"Was that a joke again?" Garrus asked.
"Yes. Very funny," Mordin smiled again, turning his whole body instead of just his head to look around the room.
"What in Spirits' world are you doing here, Mordin?"
"Need to talk."
"Obviously," Garrus sighed.
"Understand have feelings for Shepard. Need advice?"
"What?" Garrus gapped at Mordin. "I thought Salarians lay eggs? Don't you guys register for rights to fertilized the eggs of the same females or something?"
"Yes," Mordin answered. "Salarians. Amphibian haplo-diploid egg layers. Clan Dalatrass lay eggs yearly. One dozen. Busy job. Laying eggs. Not much time for recreation. Ten percent fertilized only. Hatched females. All rest, males," pointing to himself, Mordin took a breath. "Personally hatched from unfertilized egg many years ago. Unable to remember process. But can vouch of efficiency and painlessness of procedure. Unlike other races. Live births. Messy. All Salarians kept shell from hatched egg as memento of birth..."
"Please don't offer to show me the pieces of your hatched shell," Garrus took a step back.
"Unable. Egg in safe deposit on Sur'Kesh. Delicate item of great importance. Not in pieces. Rare but not unheard of. Had adhesively sealed pieces back to form whole egg. Took on project. Was little passed two years of age. Extremely rewarding. Be happy to show if visiting Sur'Kesh."
"Spirits, Mordin. I just asked you not to offer to show it to me! And what does your egg have to do with you liking Shepard?"
"Not me," Mordin said. "Sex drive defer from Turian. Not hormone-based. Does not desire sex for pleasure. Not interested in Asaris either. Strange. Most Salarians find Asaris attractive. Asaris, an interesting specie. Would like to test in color determination someday. If possible, genetically engineer first red or orange Asaris. Challenging. Must succeed without unethical use of live test subjects. Hmmm... But attraction, no. Speaking of you."
"I don't find Asari sexually attractive," Garrus said.
"Speaking of your emotionally attachment to Shepard," Mordin corrected.
"I...," Garrus stepped back more. "No... We're good friends. Been good friends for a while. Not the way you think."
"Not sexually attracted?" Mordin trapped Garrus between himself and the console, cutting Garrus from escaping out of the main battery's door with one shift movement. "No inappropriate fantasies? nocturnal emissions?"
"Nocturnal what?"
"Nocturnal emissions," Mordin said. "Spontaneous orgasm. Erection, emerging of penis from shaft involuntarily or ejaculation during sleep. Most common during puberty but may continue beyond. Understand male Turian physiology. Nocturnal emissions natural when attracted to females. Masturbation only form to lessening frequency. Been self stimulating lately?"
"Mordin! Will it kill you to learn not to ask such personal questions?" Garrus shouted at the scientist.
"Ah!" Mordin shouted back, making Garrus jumped instead. "Reaction suggest frequency has increased! Excellent! Not personal. Nothing personal. Turian attraction in such manner rare. Attracted but not act on it. Very nobel. Must be deeply attracted. Excellent! Will assist absolutely!"
"I don't need help in masturbating!" Garrus instinctively covered his most vulnerable part with his talons. "Spirits, Mordin! Just leave me be!"
"Ridiculous," Mordin said. "Not suggesting assistance in masturbation. Not needed. Unless having problems with process? Will assist in such case. Will forward materials to help. Not interested on Asari, he said? Shepard clearly not Asari. Human sexuality vids? Turian-Human relationships rare. Materials spare. Sexual intercourse vids a challenge to find. Might have to search through data base..."
"Spirits! I don't need help!"
"Absurd. Dexo based Turian and Levo based Human. May go into epileptic shock. May also need analgesic before intercourse. Chafing from Turian plates, unpleasant for humans. Positions very important. Glad to be of service," Mordin breathed. "Suggest propositioning soon. Many competitors. Shepard suitable breeding candidate for you if overlooked all incompatibility. Prime sexual partner for any Turian. Krogans too, if speaking of her battle skill. Many humans, males and females, have expressed interests. Drell on broad showing extreme admiration as well. But hallucinations may hamper away missions. Rather you than him. Chafing and epileptic shock easier to countermeasure. Hallucinations, harder. Will send ointments and medication later. Forward music, for mood enhancement. Suggest bring wine. Alcohol increase human reproductive possibility by eighty percent. Attraction factor also increases proportionately to consumption. Will see you as more attractive if have not yet. Also, suggest sway with music. Hips movements apparently sexually attractive to humans. Been propositioned once by a human. Much younger then. Was dancing in club. Yes. Enjoyed dancing when younger. Very relaxing. Human said my swaying hips were very entrancing."
Mordin patted Garrus on his shoulder before turning and opening the door.
"Now to go tell Shepard, sorry to disappoint. Transmission optic fibers could not be detected when in human stomach. Digestive juice would render fibers inoperable anyway. Should have asked before going ahead with plot. Mischievous. Like a child. Fit you well. Drell too mature in continence for her. Dying also not the best time or option for electing to emotionally attached someone to self. Best candidate for Shepard still you. loyal and steadfast. Little awkward, but no harm in that. Good luck, Vakarian," he was gone.
Garrus took a long time before he started breathing again. Now, he had a brand new problem in the form of a very busybody Mordin Solus to stress over.
Been out of the country. This and next chapter will be a little late.