"Mordin," Shepard said as she stormed into the lab. "You're the worst adviser ever!"
"Worst?" Mordin asked. "Never given bad advice. "Worst" is an exaggeration. Vakarian not recognize? Not understand your propositions, perhaps?"
"You told me to "go with his flow"," Shepard swept her hand back and forth in the air. "Go with his flow, indeed! I went with all his "flows" and got drowned!"
"Relate incident," Mordin said. "Perhaps can assist in clarifying."
"Incident? Incident? I have been trying to "flow" myself into getting him to understand I'm interested so many times! He just don't get it! Why can't I just push him up against a wall and get it over with?"
"Not a bad idea," Mordin nodded. "May get hurt. Both human and Turian. Turians all trained in hand-to-hand combat in military. Most likely find strong retaliation against rape attempt. Sparing as wooing technique. Might work. Why didn't you?"
Shepard opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She closed it back and started pouting. No one had ever seen Commander Shepard in that state except maybe her parents when she was younger and no one ever should. But somehow, Mordin had inserted himself as a father figure in Shepard's life without her knowing it. Realizing that she was pouting in front of him made her aware of how much she wished that she was a young child again. She sighed and relaxed her lips.
"Maybe I should just choose Thane. At least the "how to begin" part is no longer an issue since he had expressed interest already."
"Maybe," Mordin said without looking up from his work. "Thane Krios a more attractive diversion. More humanoid. Less alien-like. Although suggest not to get intoxicated like last romantic venture. Alenko hard to get rid of as it was."
"Please don't remind me. I just got a letter from him that I am shelving until I know what to do with it. Or who to give it to so they can deal with it."
"You want one but seek comfort in another. Ending always will be in a mess. Very messy. Maybe should choose Thane Krios. Live in desert. Less mess. Only mess, sand in eyes. Sand in hair. Sand in mouth. Sand in neither region. At least mess only because of sand."
"What should I do, Mordin?" Shepard whined. "I don't want to live in the desert with a dying Drell. I know it sounds terrible, speaking about a dying man that way. And he's such a great guy too, which makes it worse because I wouldn't mind him at all. If there were no Vakarian...! But I'm beginning to think my best choice is the desert loving Thane instead of the stupid scarred face Turian..."
"Already advice. Choose the physically attractive one. Thane Krios, closer to home? Jacob Taylor, even closer. Already said will do post-intercourse examination for you. No worries now."
"But Mordin," Shepard sighed. "If it's physical attractiveness I wanted, Garrus wouldn't be first on the list. Not that he isn't attractive to me. He is god damn sexy to me. And that's the problem. He is the one whom I grew to like the outside because of what I saw on the inside. All the other guys are the exact opposite. It's the outside I like before I even know the inside. This made everyone else paled in comparison to Garrus no matter how much more attractive they are. Do you even get what I mean?"
"Not at all. Physical attractiveness, understood. Many Salarians find Asari attractive, even with breasts. Making a simple decision complicated, do not understand. Stay focus and discard all others if indeed like Vakarian more. Stop looking at other options. Now, while waiting for result analysis to be ready, relate each incident, perhaps can help," Mordin repeated.
"Ok, here's what happened..."
Incident Number One:
Shepard walked out of the crew deck toward the kitchen to see Garrus sitting with Gardner, eating his meal. The I.C of the ship's kitchen immediately got up and went over to help Shepard with her dinner when he saw her. Shepard placed her order, got herself a drink of water and went over to sit with Garrus. Before she got there, she purposely lowered her jumper zip down a few inches to reveal more of her curves.
"Not calibrating?" Shepard asked Garrus as she sat partially down opposite him. It was more of a leaning than an exact sitting down.
"Even the Master of Calibrations needs an occasional break," there was humor in Garrus' voice. A good sign.
"So," Shepard said breathily, slowly articulating her words while leaning forward more. "What else can this Master of Calibrations calibrate besides his own guns?"
"Shepard," Garrus said.
"Yeah?" Shepard breathed.
Garrus lifted her hoodie tassel and showed it to her, "Your hoodie is in my soup..."
"Stopping you here," Mordin said.
"What? Why? I am not done with the story."
"Unzipping clothing unnecessary move. Never would have caught attention."
"What?" Shepard was offended. "Hey! I may not be a double D but I've got some...some assets there!"
"Not speaking of breasts size. Speaking of using wrong asset to attract Turians."
"Wrong asset?"
"Turians males not partial to breasts like human males. Crests. Fringe. Head tendrils. Waist. Attractive areas. Breasts. Not attractive areas."
"I have no crests or head tendrils!"
"Show your waist," Mordin poked one of his three fingers at Shepard's waist, causing her to squirm a little. "Not perfect. Thicker than Turian females... Actually much thicker. Might not be attractive to Turian males. Do not give that look. Such look best reserved for Collectors. May scare them to death. No need for upgraded guns. Shepard's murderous look enough. Joking. Waist is fine. Can stop looking that way now. Just show waist to Vakarian. Will appreciate it more than breasts."
"How do Turian females show off their waists when they and the guy are sitting opposite each other?" Shepard folded her arms across her mid driff to shield her waist.
"Stand up. Walk around. Stand next to him. He seated. You standing. Waist to eye level. Very good vantage point. Next incident."
"But I am not done with the first one!"
"Nothing more to say," Mordin said as he stirred something in a test tube. "Already pointed out faults. Next incident."
Shepard sighed, "Ok, fine. Next time when I got to speak with him was when Wrex was on board..."
Incident Number Two:
"And I thought I was the ugly one," Wrex was saying. "Now you both have almost identical scars. Both of you are ugly as shit now."
"You came up to the ship to remind us we have scars, huh?" Garrus laughed as he sipped his Turian brandy. Wrex not only brought guns with him but also a couple bottles of liquor for both Turians and the rest of the universe. Wrex claimed they were all tributes from other clan leaders but Shepard suspected he had purchased the Turian brandy himself. Whatever it was, it still paid to be the baddest bad ass in Tuchanka.
"No," Wrex said. "Not just scars. Have you two looked in the mirror together lately? But I also came to see a ship without the evil Mako. Look how peaceful the place is for you now, Turian. You don't need to curse or swear under the engine daily."
"I didn't always cursed and swore," Garrus said.
"No, you just complained," Wrex laughed. "You're the whiniest Turian I've ever met!"
"Now he just calibrates," Shepard said, half listening, a little dishearted by her failed attempt in the mass hall to draw Garrus' attention.
"Well," Garrus' mandibles dropped a little in faked disappointment. "You're getting the best calibration right now. You know calibration is my thing."
"I'm so not using the "calibration" line again. Throw me something else," Shepard said absentmindedly.
"Something else?" Wrex asked.
"Like Turian feet?" Shepard said quietly.
"Throw you his feet?" Wrex joked.
"What about my feet?" Garrus asked.
"You know what they say about feet," Shepard said.
"They say things about Turian feet?" Wrex looked surprised.
"There is an expression about large feet," Shepard said.
Wrex and Garrus looked at each other.
Shepard sighed, "Garrus has large feet."
"And...," Wrex said.
"I like men with large feet," Shepard said.
"So...," Wrex said. "I have large feet too."
"Your feet are different," Shepard said.
"I get it," Wrex smirked. "So what they say about big feet only applies to Turians, huh?" he chuckled.
"Am I missing something here," Garrus asked.
"It must be the different specie thing," Shepard sighed.
"I got it," Wrex said. "So it's not the different specie thing. It's a Vakarian thing..."
"Stopping ..."
"Mordin! Why do you keep on stopping me!" Shepard shouted.
"Saw problem," Mordin said. "And saw solution. Entire story? Waste of time. Already know how it ended. Very impatient. Told you go with his flow, not push him into a flow. How old is Urdnot Wrex?"
"He's up there in years," Shepard shrugged. She never did asked Wrex how old he was. "He had fought in the Krogan rebellion, so he's definitely over three hundred. Maybe six, seven hundredish?"
"Good enough," Mordin said. "With Vakarian now?"
"Yes, Wrex is with Garrus talking in the mass hall. Doctor Chakwas is there too. I left them to run up to you!"
"Problem already solved," Mordin said. "Wait a while more. Go back down. Everything settled."
"I don't get you," Shepard shook her head. "But I'm just going to not do anything and follow. Because if I do, I am pretty sure I'd lose my patience and totally mess it up again."
"Ah," Mordin smiled. "Finally understood. Good learning experience. Yes. Analysis ready. Excellent. Sit here and let me read you the results. Fascinating find.
"No," Shepard said. "N, O. No. No reading results to me. Just give me the summarized version. I will only listen to you report the entire result if I have had a month's worth of insomnia. Plus, I'm way too distracted by this whole "waist being not as thick as female Turians problem" at the moment to pay attention."
Meanwhile...
"You're pathetic, Turian," Wrex shook his head after Doctor Chakwas was called away for a small emergency. A crewman had injured his back while trying to haul some supplies from the cargo bay to storage.
"What?" Garrus turned to look at his friend. "What do you mean?"
"Even I can tell she's on to you," Wrex answered. "First time it happened back on the old Normandy, I figured you might eventually catch on. But now, I'm pretty sure you're gonna end up old and alone... or dead and alone, depending if you survive the Collector base. And being this dumb, I suggest you try hard not survive it."
"Spirits, Wrex," Garrus sighed. "I know I'm a little slow in catching the meaning to her words. But you're not helping."
"If I'm not helping, I wouldn't be talking," Wrex smirked.
"Then stop telling me what I already know and help me fix it!"
"How many times had she done what she just did?"
"A couple of times now."
"So, she's basically using words as a sling to throw you the line. You just need to say the right things at the right time."
"What kind? I thought I was saying all the right things!" Garrus said.
"Calibration is my thing? You call that the right thing?"
"Then help me!" Garrus begged.
"If you can't catch the line, throw her one," Wrex said. "Shepard should be able catch it. How experience are you with sex, really, Turian?"
"I know next to nothing about human females...," Garrus said.
"Give me one "conquest" of yours. Your own kind. One of the better ones," Wrex said
"Well, there was this Recon Scout I worked with..."
"When was that?" Wrex made a face.
"Before I joined C-sec..."
"That was eight years ago!" Wrex shook his head.
"Spirits! I'm not the type who will sleep with every Turian female just because they're there!"
"But eight years?" Wrex shook his head harder.
"You said one of the better ones!"
"Fine! Tell me about that. Maybe I can help you come up with something you both can use. You two are pathetic."
"Spirits," Garrus sighed. "You can't possibly think that is a good idea?"
"Trust me, it'll work. You're drowning here, Turian. Take what I've to offer. If not, don't run to me if you end up having another Alenko incident on your hands."
"But, it's... It's extremely... for lack of a better word... CHESSY!"
"If it gets the job done, who cares if its a Turian wearing a tutu. Just do what needs to be done," Wrex said matter-of-factly.
"A what?" Garrus asked.
"Never seen a tutu before? It's like this really strange looking dress that looked like it had been blown up with helium that some human dancers wear when they dance on tip toe."
Wrex mimicked the moves of a ballerina, badly. Swirling around while tip toeing were two things no Krogans should attempt to do. It looked worse when the one attempting to do it was a seasoned scarred Battlemaster.
"Spirits, Wrex, what have you been doing these past two years?" Garrus mandible dropped.
"Getting cultured, obviously," Wrex said proudly. "Not many Krogans can dare say that they had watched the entire Elcor production of Swan Lake and not puked once. But I much prefer the original human ones."
"I don't even know what to say...," it was Garrus' turn to shake his head.
"And there lays your problem since the beginning. If you don't know to say anything, you'll lose a good thing call Shepard," Wrex lectured.
"I know, Wrex," Garrus said. "But..."
"Just do it, Turian," Wrex said. "Give me the gist of it so I know you got it down."
"Ok, Ok. I once boned this Turian female on a Turian ship... I've got the reach... She's got the flexibility... Spirits, it just sounds terrible."
"It's supposed to be an opener! If you don't want to, you will just have to admit you're a failure."
"She's got reach... I've got flexi...," Garrus repeated.
"You!" Wrex roared. "You got the reach!"
"I've got the reach, she's got the flexibility... I've the reach, she, the flexibility... I, reach. She, flexibility. Got it."
"Remember," Wrex said. "Thank her, then give her the story. End with the hint. Shepard should know how to pick it up from there."
Garrus nodded.
"Good luck, Turian," Wrex said, patting Garrus' shoulder. "I'd rather see her with you than anyone else. So next time I see you two again, you better be an item. If not, I will stretch you till your reach breaks and your flexibility becomes elastic. Just because I like you doesn't mean I won't kill you. You two are pathetic."
There was one thing Shepard was never very good at, giving up. Right after saying goodbye to Wrex, she set a course for Halestorm, then immediately headed straight for the elevator to the crew deck and the main battery. Mordin had said Wrex would solved the problem. She needed to know if Mordin was right.
"I'll try till I can't," Shepard told herself. "I don't believe the kind of things I'm willing to do to get this guy. Garrus Vakarian, you better be worth it."
The main battery's opened and Garrus was at his usual station, calibrating.
"Shepard," he turned around. "Need me for something?"
"Have you got a minute?" Shepard asked and prayed hard he would say yes and then add something she could use this time.
"Sure," Garrus shrugged. "Just killing time anyway."
Bingo! New line today! No more "Can it wait a bit". Things were looking up for Shepard.
"I want to thank you again for your help with Sidonis," Garrus continued. "Whatever happens with the Collectors or whoever else comes after us, I know you'll get the job done."
"You intend to have something worse to come after the Collectors?" Shepard said, turning her body slightly. Did that make her waist look smaller?
Garrus laughed a little, "Don't worry, Shepard. You and I alone can handle more than what might be worse than the Collectors."
"I'm glad to hear that. I couldn't do this without you, Garrus," Shepard smiled. Was the position she was standing making her waist looked thicker instead? It felt like it. She needed her waist to look smaller, damn it! Where was the corset when you needed one?
"Sure you could," Garrus said. "Not as stylishly, of course."
Shepard moved to the crates at the side of the room. Would being in the darker part of the room gave her the advantage to look like she had a smaller waist? Maybe the shadow would hide all the right places...
"Strange, going on a suicide mission on a human ship," Garrus said, following Shepard with his eyes. "You people don't prepare for high risk missions the way Turians do."
Gosh, Shepard thought. No matter how she positioned herself, she was still self conscious about her waist. Why did Mordin have to tell her about Turian females and their waists? Gosh, their tiny waists... Shepard could never be able to get that kind of waist, unless she stopped eating for six months... She might look better sitting down. Shepard sat down on the crate.
"How do Turian crews get ready for high risk missions?" She asked. Ok, one arm on the knee, bend over a little, Shepard. That was it. Hide the waist! Give him just enough!
"With violence, usually," Garrus put his hands behind his back. Did he look nervous, Shepard asked herself. Maybe it was her. She sure as hell was nervous about her waist now! "Turian ships have more operational discipline that your Alliance but fewer personal restrictions. Our Commanders run us tight, and they know we need to blow off steam. Turian ships have training room for exercise, combat sims, even full contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress."
Garrus inhaled. Shepard blinked. That was the most number of words in one go Shepard had heard Garrus speak since he joined her after Omega. There must be something in there she could use.
"You mean Turian ships have crewmen fighting each other during a mission?" she asked him.
"It's supervised, of course," Garrus said. "Nobody's going to risk any injuries that could interfere with the mission. And it's a good way to settle grudges amicably. I remember right before one mission. We were about to hit a Batarian pirate squard. Very risky. This Recon Scout and I had been at each other's throats. Nerves mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring."
Come on Vakarian, Shepard thought. Give something!
"I assumed you took her down gently?" Give something, anything, Shepard thought.
"Actually," Garrus explained. "She and I were the top ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach but she had flexibility. It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room. We...er... ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I have reach and she had flexibility... More than one way to work off stress, I guess."
Double Bingo! Reach and flexibility! Work off stress! Shepard could totally use that!
"It sounds like you're carrying some tension," Shepard stood up and strolled toward Garrus. "Maybe I can help you get rid of them."
"I...er...didn't think you feel like sparring, Commander," Garrus said.
That had to be a blush, Shepard thought. Ok, so he was playing along now. Finally! Time to reel in the catch, Commander!
"What if we skip right to the tiebreaker?" Shepard leaned against the console. Yes, that was a good pose. Immediate diversion of all male attention to the most important part, no matter humans or Turian! Waist be gone! "We can test your reach, and my flexibility."
"Oh, I didn't... Hmmm," Garrus panicked a little. He just realized to his dismay that Wrex did not teach him how to react after the story was told.
"Never knew you have a weakness for men with scars," that was all he could think to say at the moment.
Then, Garrus decided it was time to not be such a whim when it came to matters of the hearts but to just strike while the iron was still hot.
"Why the hell not," he said, turning away and not looking at Shepard gave him more courage and less opportunity for his tongue to get tied up in knots. "There's nobody in the galaxy I respect more than you. If we can figure a way out to make it work, then... yeah... Definitely."
Finally! Shepard thought. She was all smug look and beyond as she strolled passed Garrus, who was watching her every move, and out the main battery. Oh, he was so going to be hers, she thought. Thick waist be damned. She was catching this one with or without the right Turian waist to hips ratio.
Notes: Caught a viral flu. A little crazily tired these few days. Took a while to finish this. Editing it later, as usual.