Summary: Time for Shepard to narrow down all the suitors to just one Turian...
"Garrus!" Shepard jumped onto her soon-to-be lover's armored back. " Wha'cha doin'? Wha'cha doin'?"
"Huh?" Garrus asked, but didn't throw Shepard down. Instead, he just let her slid off his back naturally.
"I'm asking what are you doing," Shepard said.
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm at this console, Shepard," Garrus said but did not turn around. "You're in a happy mood today."
"I am!" Shepard beamed and slapped his back happily. "We got ourselves a friendly Geth!"
"Why am I not surprised that you woke up the Geth unit?" Garrus said. He was used to Shepard's idiosyncrasy. "You're like a child when it comes to pressing buttons and waking up dangerous things. Tali's been informed?"
"Geth's got a name, Garrus. EDI's given him one. He's Legion. And nope," Shepard shook her head. She curled her arms around his waist and put her head on his crown. "Not told Tali yet. You're doing it."
"Watch the waist, Shepard," Garrus tried to wiggle free. "Sensitive area. And why do I always get the crap details? Can't you send someone else down instead so at least I don't get shot?"
"Nope," Shepard said, letting go of his waist. "Sending anyone else might seriously end in tragedy. Tali's got a shotgun. Sending you in, well, at least your chances of survival are better against her."
Shepard watched Garrus' back for a bit. When he did not attempt to stop working and turn to face her, she poked the side of his waist with her finger. The unexpected action came as a total shock to Garrus. He threw himself to the side of the console and lifted his hands to push Shepard away. Seeing his reaction made Shepard poked him more which made him tried shielding himself harder from her assaults.
"What's with Turians and waists anyway?" she asked, chasing Garrus with her finger when he started worming around the room, avoiding her after his failed attempts to block her slender finger. "Mordin kept emphasizing how important it was to you guys."
"Shepard! Stop it!" Garrus said. He continued to toss and twist and block.
"Tell me, and I'll stop," Shepard laughed.
"It's complicated!" Garrus said, aligning himself between the crate and the wall at the far corner of the room and hitting Shepard's hands whenever she tried to move closer.
"Tell me and I'll stop," Shepard repeated.
"It's an erogenous zone, ok!" Garrus squealed. "Now stop it! You're practically sexually harassing me right now!"
"So you're saying you're squirming because you're aroused, not because you're ticklish," Shepard said.
"Yes! Now will you stop it?" Garrus begged.
"Okay, okay," Shepard laughed at Garrus but stopped. "Good to know the best way to punish you if you ever dare calibrate till you forget about me."
"That is so wrong, Shepard," Garrus said, a little weary of returning to his console from his little hiding place behind the crate. He took it one step at a time, sliding slowly back to the center of the room, watching her hands very closely.
"That is evil," Garrus said. "I never forgot about you."
"Tell me you don't like being sexually aroused and I'll never do that again," Shepard grinned.
"If the circumstances are right, not now!" Garrus said. "I'm in the middle of my duty!"
"Who was the one who was all fired up when Kasumi and I spoke about BDSM and "sex while on duty"?"
"Shepard! Stop putting thoughts in my mind about that again! You've already done more than enough with the waist!"
Shepard had to laugh at Garrus. She couldn't help it. Here he was, taller, bigger and so much stronger than her, with talons and teeth that were evolved to be more like weapons then her hands and teeth could ever be. He was a killing machine with or without the armor and guns. Yet, he was the one squirming and hiding from her.
"Ok, big guy," Shepard said. "I'll play nice, for now. Leave you to your job. I've some personal matters to settle too with Thane and Jacob, and maybe Kelly Chambers." Shepard winked and was about to turn.
"About that, Shepard," Garrus stepped up, forgetting his squirmy and awkward self suddenly. It caused Shepard to turn back to look at him and pay full attention. "I've been thinking on what we talked about, blowing off steam, easing off tension... I've never considered cross species intercourse. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help, now I feel dirty and clinical. Are we crazy to be thinking about this? I'm not... Look...Shepard, I know you can find something closer to home..."
"Honestly speaking, do you want me to find something closer to home, Garrus?" Shepard asked. Her mood was not dampened but she was more cautious. "You want me to go for Jacob or Thane? Or Kelly? She's closest to closer to home you can get."
"Honestly speaking, Shepard, I don't know," Garrus said. "I do, yet I don't. If that actually make any sense at all."
"Do you want something closer to home, Garrus?" Shepard asked.
"No, I don't," Garrus answered truthfully. "But it's not about me. I'd rather you be happy."
"How about if I tell you I don't want something closer to home? That closer to home may not be what makes me happy?" Shepard said, stoking Garrus' arm softly. "How about if I tell you I want you only? That you make me happy? That I want someone I can trust?"
"Trust," Garrus said. "I can do that. I'll find some music and...hmmm...do some research on how this thing should work. It'll be a night to treasure or an interspecies awkwardness thing."
Shepard almost laughed again, but seeing how serious Garrus was at the moment she decided to best not laugh at him.
"In which, fighting the Collector will be a welcome distraction...so...you know...a win either way," Garrus had started to revert back to his awkward self again.
"You know Garrus," Shepard said. " If you're not comfortable with this, it's ok. I'm not trying to pressure you."
"Shepard," Garrus said quietly. "You're about the only friend I've left in this screwed up galaxy. I'm not gonna pretend I've got a fetish for humans. But this isn't about that. This is about us. You don't have to ever worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes. But never uncomfortable."
"So, when should I book the room?" Shepard joked. Frankly, she didn't want to wait but seeing how nervous she was making Garrus, she decided she would let him lead instead.
"I'll wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible. Take the last chance to find some calm before the storm. You know me, I always like to savoy the last shot before popping the heat sink." And the awkward Garrus was back again, thought Shepard.
"Wait...," Garrus took a second before realizing what he had just said. "That metaphor just went somewhere horrible..."
"I'll let you get back to work," Shepard believed his awkwardness would become worse if she did not leave him now.
"Right... Cos I'm in a great place to optimize fighting algorithm right now," Garrus said.
"Blame Mordin," Shepard smiled. "He started the whole waist thing. Oh, and guess what? We've got a M-44 Hammerhead! When we take it out for its first spin, we'll take Tali too!"
"We? Shepard, seriously? Remember crap details? Give me less of those?" Garrus sighed as he watched Shepard leave the room.
"Not happening, Vakarian. You, me, Tali. Just like old times!"
Garrus had not seen Shepard that happy for a long time. And he felt a little happier too knowing he was a huge part of the reason for her joy.
"Thane, are you ok?" Garrus asked.
"Not good, Garrus," Thane was definitely looking greener than his usual green. "Does she always pilot like that?"
"I think she actually...got...better...," Garrus said, swirling in his seat as Shepard's spun and swung the hammerhead.
When the two's jerking and swirling died down, Garrus continued, "Tali was supposed to be here. She must have used some really convincing excuse to get out of this. Sorry you have to take her place though."
Shepard whooped as the Hammerhead sped up to a hundred and twenty kilometers. She lifted the aircraft and stomped on the hoverjet panel, propelling the vehicle higher till the hoverjet overheated before bringing it down and forward without losing speed. The two passengers behind held on to their seats as the craft was suddenly brought down low to the surface of the planet, breaking trees and burning bushes as it flew through the foliage.
"Tali said she's running a fever!" Shepard shouted from her driver's seat gleefully. "She's so missing out! Isn't this awesome, Thane?"
"I am truly regretting saying yes to coming along," Thane said quietly to Garrus, hoping his voice would not carry over to Shepard. "With my eidetic memory, and my tendency to slip into it, I will relive this nightmare over and over when I think of Shepard. It is most unfortunate."
"You'll survive, Thane. I did. Kinda used to it now. At least I won't need to repair any damages to the Hammerhead like I used to with the Mako. The ride, I can handle. The repairs set me off every time."
"I heard that, Vakarian!" Shepard shouted from her seat right before making a sharp turn that almost sent Thane crashing against the wall of the vehicle if Garrus had not held him with one hand. Thane nodded a thanks to him as he settled back in his seat. He was too nauseous to speak.
"And didn't Doctor Chakwas said you should not be reminiscing so much?" Shepard turned to watch Thane and away from her driving. "Prolonged sedentary activity will increase rate of lung degradation. It was in her report."
"Damn it, Shepard!" Garrus shouted. "Watch where you're going!"
"Eyes on the road!" Thane screamed the same time Garrus shouted.
There was a "boink" kind of jerking to the Hammerhead before it hopped and bounced and "boinked" again.
"Humanity: one, Local Wildlife: zero," the V.I. stated plainly.
"Ops," Shepard sticked out her tongue apologetically, "I think I just ran over another space cow."
"Another one, Shepard?" Garrus asked. "Seriously, we should just get Gardner to come collect the kills and you guys will have enough meat for a month on the ship."
"I'm not eating road kill, Vakarian. And it just moved right in my way! I don't like running over them either."
"Shepard!" Garrus and Thane screamed together.
"Watch the fucking road!" Garrus cried out right after.
This time, there was a screech and then a dragging sound before a bounce and a hop.
"The Galactic Humane Society reminds you that animals are people too," the V.I. said with no emotions.
"See what you just made me do, Vakarian!" Shepard shouted
"I made you?" Garrus barked back. "You always drive like a lunatic, and that began way before you met me!"
"That cow's death was on your head, not mine. You distracted me!" Shepard punched the targeting system and a missile fired. "Ops..."
Somewhere outside the Hammerhead, an innocent space cow exploded.
"Targeting systems do not require local wildlife to calibrate," the V.I. said, this time it actually sounded like it was shaking its head.
"Shepard," Thane said. "Please stop running over and shooting innocent space cows. There's not enough prayers to Kalihira to cover for their deaths."
"Sorry, that one was my fault. I can't drive and shoot at the same time in this thing! Apparently, my body and mind are two separate entities when I start driving. But this thing ...the targeting system totally sucks!"
"Can I drive and you shoot then?" Garrus asked, moving up to sit shotgun.
"You know better than to ask me that!" Shepard stared at him for a second before looking back to where she was going.
"I'll keep trying as long as you have your ass at the wheel," Garrus said. "Just because one shifty looking cow stole your credits, you have to go on a killing rampage on all others?"
"Oh my god!" Shepard said. "Those were the same specie of cows, weren't they? That bitch on Ontarom stole from all of us when we weren't looking!"
"Only you and Tali, Shepard," Garrus corrected. "That cow never stole from me."
"You're lying," Shepard turned and looked at Garrus but Garrus immediately caught her cheeks with his talons and pushed her face back to the front.
"Never lost a credit. Must be my imposing figure. Remember, Shepard, I'm awesome."
"Liar," Shepard said.
"You wish," Garrus said. "Now, how about you drive and I shoot?"
"Okay, fine, you get the guns," Shepard agreed finally.
Vulcan Station was an easy sweep in the beginning. The Hammerhead plowed most of the LOKI Mechs into the ground. A number of times, Garrus simply had to reach over Shepard's hands and pull the steering up so the tank did not fall into the lava streams. This brought a few dirty looks from Shepard but she did not stop him. Jumping and hopping from rock to rock was more Shepard's thing and so, Garrus did not try to take control. The turrets were harder to get through because the two sitting in front had very different views on how they should deal with them.
"Just hit the fucking booster rocket, Shepard!" Garrus argued. "We can bypassed it without a scratch."
"I want it as scrap metal!" Shepard replied. "I want it dead!"
"Which part of "think fast", "move fast, "don't fall in" did you not get?" Garrus shouted. "Just get pass the turrets!"
"Fine! But once I'm done in there, I'm coming back here to finish it!"
"Fine! Now move your ass!"
Shepard obeyed grudgingly.
The Hammerhead jumped and made a left turn once it got to the other side, only to trigger two turrets on top of a plateau.
"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Shepard immediately retreated.
"Backup! Backup!" Garrus ordered.
"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" Shepard said. "Shoot them! Shoot them!"
"Right! Shepard! Move right!" Garrus ordered again.
Shepard obeyed this time without holding a grudge and Garrus opened fire on the turrets, bringing both down quickly and neatly.
"Yes!" Shepard cheered. "Vakarian: one, Local Turrets: zero!"
"Happy now?" Garrus said. He was smiling his Turian smile. "Got you some turrets."
"And Iridium!" Shepard directed the Hammerhead to the spot and collected her prize.
It took them an entire day cycle to finally be done with the mission. David Archer was now in the safe hands of Doctor Chakwas and Mordin Solus. The latter was so amazed by their find he insisted on reprogramming his new scanner to scan ever inch of Archer. Shepard was too tired to argue with her hyperactive ship scientist and just told him to not do anything she wouldn't do, in which he was shocked and answered,
"Shepard not scientist. Too much you wouldn't do. Follow your example? No more invention. No more new cures."
"Thanks a lot, Mordin, for going a big round and calling me an idiot," Shepard said. "Just be nice to the poor boy. He's been through a lot already."
"Absolutely. Will not dream of harming," Mordin promised.
Shepard was the first to leave the med bay after making sure Thane and Garrus was ok. She needed a shower and some shut eye before the ship docked at Grissom Academy.
When Shepard had left, Thane turned to Garrus and said, "I am happy for you two."
"I'm sorry?" Garrus did not get it.
"The two of you," Thane said. "You two are very well matched. Reminds me of when I first met my wife, Irikah. We used to fight like you two did today."
"Ah," Mordin chipped in. "Vakarian and Shepard already engaged in sexual activity? Will prepare analgesic. Chafing? Any? Anaphylactic shock?"
"Mordin!" Garrus hushed him. "Stop right there!"
Mordin stopped right in his track, as if he was frozen. He blinked at Garrus.
"Please don't continue talking," Garrus said. "We're not there yet!"
"Ah," Mordin said. "Have research materials all ready. Send you copy."
Thane coughed to suppressed his laughter, "You're a lucky man, Garrus," he said.
"No hard feelings?" Garrus asked. "I know you..."
"No hard feelings," Thane said. "Shepard is a wonderful woman. A great warrior, friend and comrade in arms. She has also a very attractive personality. But frankly, I think only you can take her driving."