Summary: Before the Chapter begins, I am gonna thank all those of you who had review in both AO3 and here . I never thought to write more than three short fics on Mass Effect but you guys totally gave me the encouragement to write longer ones! Thanks a lot to fellow writers and readers like m-meichiri, Mordinette, Springwalker, KabiViolet, Chapaf, idontifihaveaname, Kurby and GalaxyWanderer and so many more. You rawks!
Garrus was a bundle of nerves when he went up to the cockpit. Among the human males on board the ship, he had mostly spoken to only Gardner, the mass hall sergeant; Donnelly, in engineering; Jacob Taylor in armory and Joker. And out of all of them, he could not think of anyone he could seek advice from. Going to Joker might be the biggest mistake of his life but Garrus Vakarian was a desperate Turian.
"Yo, Garrus!" Joker greeted him as he walked in. "Heard you and the Commander are now an item. Just so you know, Wrex wasn't the only one who saw it coming."
"News traveled fast," Garrus said. "EDI?"
"Mr. Moreau does not require my update regarding your developing relationship with Commander Shepard," EDI answered.
"You've been spying on us, Joker?" Garrus asked.
"Woh, woh, birdman," Joker said. "You intend to trust what the talking volleyball said?"
"I have no reason to lie, Mr. Moreau," EDI said.
"So says Ceberbus number one house spy," Joker said.
"Joker," Garrus rolled out the name slowly.
"Hey, look," Joke surrendered. "I'm not a perv, ok? I'll never invade my friends' privacy...to that extend."
"I believe you," Garrus said. "But stay out of our quarters or you won't have any bones to break by the time I'm done with you."
"Hey, trust me birdman," Joker said. "So to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I need some help," Garrus said. "I think I am totally confused by this whole human female and dating thing. The extranet has way too much information. Everything contradicts each other. Bring her flowers... Don't bring her flowers. Take her out... Don't take her out. Bring alcohol... Don't bring alcohol. Even the sex... Even that is confusing. Some said that the females like it one way and then some say they don't. How the fuck am I supposed to get anything right with so much contradictions? And the positions! You guys have thousands of positions!"
"That has got to be an exaggeration right there," Joker said. "But, ok, let's be serious here. You asking me for advice? Seriously birdman, you've got to be joking."
"Who else can I go to?" Garrus sighed. "You've got to know something."
"Maybe you're looking for information at all the wrong places? Maybe, you need to narrow your search down," Joker said.
"How do I do that?" Garrus asked. "I've done the search narrowing till my head hurts."
"Maybe you should...," Joker stopped. "Ok, tell you what. I'm willing to let you borrow my precious collections of extra rare finds. This collection dates back way before human founded the Mass Relays. The vids are absolute classic. But I'm telling you, birdman, I'm warning you, you really can't believe everything you see, read or watch on the extranet or the vids."
"Then how am I supposed to learn how to go about it?" Garrus asked. "I told Shepard I'll do research. I can't just walk in blind! I want our night together to be unforgettable. I want it to be something she loves instead of something she just go along with so as not to make me feel bad. I want to rock her world!"
"You know what Garrus," Joker didn't know if he should sigh with the Turian or laugh. "You're perhaps the first ever guy I know who runs around asking for advice on how to sleep with a woman. Don't you think that's a little too...I don't know...virgin like?"
Garrus' brow plates lifted, "I'm not a virgin, Joker. But with human females, I'm at a lost! It's not like I've been with one before!"
"Then you're a virgin," Joker said. "Ok, fine. I won't say that word again. You're saying that you've never touched an Asari? You're kidding!"
"I've never touched an Asari, Joker," Garrus said. "I'm not into them."
"You're kidding! Everyone's into the Asari! There's not a race in this universe who don't think the Asari attractive. They're like the default bang race."
"I'm not everyone then," Garrus shrugged.
"Maybe, if you had at least tried an Asari, you might not be having such problems now!" Joker laughed.
"Joker," Garrus warned.
"Maybe," EDI had been listening in on the conversation and finally decided to add her wisdom into it. "A female is a better choice for whom you could seek help from, Officer Vakarian."
"A female?" Both Garrus and Joker asked.
"Yes," EDI confirmed. "A female."
"What's a female got to do with this?" Joker asked. Garrus nodded. "We're talking about sex here."
"And just please call me Garrus, EDI," Garrus said.
"Very well, Garrus," EDI said. "A female will be able to clear your doubts better than a male can. No amount of extranet information can be as accurate. Afterall, females know females better. More valuable information can be obtained in less amount of time."
Joker frowned in deep thought. Garrus looked from the pilot to the A.I.
"I... I think she's right, Joker," he said slowly and thoughtfully.
"Well, I'll be damned," Joker said. "I never thought about that before."
"That is why, Mr. Moreau," EDI explained. "Your shore leaves are usually spent alone in your quarters with the latest issue of Fornax magazine."
"Shut up, A.I.. I swear Garrus," Joker said. "Someday I'll flush this thing out the system airlock."
"Well," Garrus said, "I'm glad she's here to enlighten me. Thank you, EDI."
"My pleasures, Garrus," EDI said. "If need be, I could help narrow your search for you as well. Would "human courtship ritual" plus "Turian", plus "Human", plus "sexual intercourse", plus "foreplay", minus "immoral", minus "fetishes" minus "foot" minus "fisting", plus "female human", plus "male"..."
"Okay, okay!" Garrus stopped her. "You lost me way back somewhere between "plus" and "minus"."
"I would be happy to repeat the search perimeters for you if you need," EDI said.
"It's fine, EDI," Garrus said. "Thanks for your help. I'll let you do the search and filter them for me then."
"So would "human courtship ritual" plus "Turian", plus "Human", plus "sexual intercourse", plus "foreplay", minus "immoral"..."
"You just go ahead," Garrus said. "There's no need to tell me your search perimeters."
"Very well, Garrus," EDI said. After about two seconds, EDI said, "The search has been completed. A total of one thousand, two hundred and seventy-four entries have been found. I have forwarded the results to your private terminal."
"That was quick," Joker said. "You sure you're going to trust this thing here? Might give you a super extranet virus or something."
"My program is ninety-nine point nine nine nine eight percent safe from all viruses. I've also took the liberty of filtering virus prone sites before forwarding it to Garrus' terminal."
"Hah!" Joker pointed. "There's still zero point zero zero zero two chance of infection! I'm telling you birdman, it's not to be trusted."
"I'll take my chances," Garrus said. "Right now, I'm going to go find myself a female to speak to."
"Who?" Joker asked. "Tali?"
"I don't think Tali would be the right person to ask, do you?"
"Yah," Joker said. "She'll most likely tell you to get a spray can of disinfectant and spray Shepard from head to toe before starting foreplay."
"Or," Garrus joked. "She'll tell me to pump myself with antibiotics and roll around the bed with Shepard, each wearing a giant condom!"
"Or," Joker continued, laughing. "She'll tell you to rub medi gel on each other!"
The two of them laughed before Garrus added, "That could actually be quite arousing."
"Hey, gotta give them some credits. They did reproduce somehow, even in suits."
"Oh now you just gross me out," Garrus winced.
"You two do know that the cockpit has no doors, right?" Shepard's voice came out of no where behind Garrus.
"Spirits!" Garrus jumped.
"Woh!" Joker jumped. "Gees, Commander! Why do you always have to sneak up on people!"
"I'm the Commander," Shepard said. "It's my job!"
"Jesus," Joker said.
"You two should be glad it was me and not Tali," Shepard said. "Or I'll be fishing your sorry asses back from the void of space."
"Actually," Garrus asked apprehensively. "How much did you hear?"
"Enough to know you two were totally making fun of Tali and her sex life," Shepard said. "Why?"
Garrus exchanged a thankful look with Joker, who also gave him a "lucky you" look.
"You two up to something?" Shepard asked.
"Nothing," Joker said. "Just hanging out, you know. Talking guy stuffs.
"Yah," Garrus agreed. "Totally."
"I don't know what you two are up to," Shepard said. "But it better not be something that will cause me a headache. I know it was the two of you who put Asari strength fastening glue in Alenko's hair gel back on the old Normandy that one time. Oh, the complains I heard for days after..."
"Did he ever found out it was us?" Garrus asked.
"Did you think I would risk my ship by telling him? You guys have any idea how precious his hair was to him? When I suggested he cut off the glued together parts, he almost took me out with biotics!"
"So what actually happened after?" Joker asked. "And for the record, it was Wrex who came up with the idea. We were just the accomplices."
"Wrex?" Shepard asked while Joker made the "surprised,surprised" face. "You're kidding me."
"Nope," Joker said.
"Wrex did came back with the glue after shore leave, Shepard," Garrus told her. "And he did have the intention to use it on Alenko. But it was Tali who came up with the suggestion on how it could be used. And although Joker and I sneaked in to replace the gel with the glue, it was Ashley who diverted Kaiden's attention and Wrex who entertained him while we did it. You've no idea how hard it was to get him away from his hair gel long enough to make the switch. That guy practically hugged the gel in his sleep."
"The whole damn team?" Shepard was amazed. "I don't believe it. Even Ashley?"
"Liara knew about it too," Joker said. "She even added some chemical from the med bay so the glue would change to the same transparency as the gel. She knew her chemical, that Asari."
"So now the truth comes out!" Shepard said.
"What happened after actually?" Joker asked again. "He was acting all normal."
"You won't believe it," Shepard said. "He told me to help him spread more of that glue on his hair! I was like "You're kidding me" and refused, so he did it himself!"
"No way!" Joker mouth dropped.
"Seriously?" Garrus asked.
"Seriously," Shepard said, laughing. "He was walking around with glue hardened hair for god knows how long."
"Holy shit!" Joker said. "And no one could tell the difference!"
"That human is one hard to understand fellow," Garrus said. "Next time we see Wrex, he would laugh his belly open when we tell him that."
"Garrus," EDI said. "Your presence is required in the main battery. Legion and Samara are in there looking for you. I have told them you have been informed and will be there shortly."
"Thank you, EDI," Garrus said. "I'll see you two later then."
"Dinner. My quarters. After shift," Shepard said to him.
"I'll bring the food," Garrus said and headed off for the elevator.
"You two are sickening sweet," Joker made a face.
"Go break another thumb or something," Shepard said and walked away from the cockpit.
"That's verbal abuse!" Joker called out but Shepard brushed it off with a wave of her hand. "I call workplace abuse!" Joker shifted in his seat after he was left alone again with no one else but EDI.
"I'm not talking to you," he said as he turned back to his controls.
"I have not initiated any conversation," EDI said.
"That's how you always do it," Joker said. "Every time I said I'm not talking, you start an argument."
"I have not started any argument," EDI said.
"Oh yeah? ...," Joker began recalling all the times EDI initiated arguments with him since she was installed as the ship's computer.