Chapter Eleven:
Darkness is a funny thing, I'm sure there are poets who spend their whole lives practicing how to describe such eccentricities and I'm positive their ideals of such a place as darkness are far more fluent than mine but I doubt that few if any of them can portray the dark sleep of a narcoleptic individual. Darkness is a restless but resting thing. It waxes until it is waning and it drifts, drifts so effortlessly. I too, float along, I am a part of it, I breathe and the dark breathes yet we still recoil at one another's existence in the surrounding space. I am rested and restless in darkness; I am a subdued flame whose light is no brighter than a black hole.
When I think of such a paradoxical thing the darkness and I shift uneasily. The currents change and I am tossed, suddenly but gently, and we drift on. I turn, my curiosity peaked as high as the brooding watchful darkness would go and see we have left a light behind. A strange bright thing, it emits a warm feel not unlike the cozy heat darkness possesses and cloaks me in.
'Why do we leave the light?' I wonder, more to myself than to the dark but still my thought travels, sharp curious whispers that crack the veil of darkness. The light spreads through a thousand little roots feeding my whisper, answering it. The question stemmed from the vague and often empty childhood, but it was a question I asked every time I recovered from the deep sleep of an episode, where I would always find Amelia waiting to answer as soon as I awoke.
'We leave the light for the dark, just as we leave the dark for the light. Internal harmony is only found in space, the kind found within us and also in the area around us.'
The small soft-coloured ray was fuller, sharper, and powerful; it fed the roots making them twinkle as they together shouted the answer at me. I clutch at darkness and it clutches back, the sound hurts and drills at our blank sanctuary. We ride on, floating farther, leaving the light behind. The pillar tilts, becomes a long shaft and the roots converge to form a point. Darkness flips me and I realize it's shaped liked an arrow. I am filled with a weird feeling similar to the burn when touching something ice cold, but why should the image of an arrow stir such a sensation within me? I had been coasting sweetly before but this was prior to the arrow of light taking flight. It flew quickly, rushed, angry, fearsome, and pierced my torso with its many rays.
Darkness dove after me as I began free-falling steadily. I could not scream, could not move, only fall, progressively fall. The cracks burst from my stomach and raced through me. Darkness spilled out of me and the light moved in and ruptured my sanctuary. The light was everywhere and darkness was fading, shifting, changing, a soft mewing emerging from its once silent throat.
The light was harsh and consuming but determined. It tore me away from my protective cocoon of darkness and bore me into its luminous atmosphere. It was a vivid world set in many tones and shades, I felt as if my eyes were open for the first time and if I should ever dare to close them I knew would still see that radiant pillar of fire.
"Kalena?" I turned at the uncertain voice, fearful it was the light speaking to me. Instead I found a feline dressed in a dark blue and gold uniform save for the black ribbon she held in one gloved hand, she had a similar one sewn into her right sleeve's cuff.
"Kalena do you remember when I found you? You were so tiny, still a baby, no more than six months old. I found you in a basket, still wrapped in swaddling clothes. My parents wondered why anyone would dare leave a baby to catch its death lying there in one of Montressor's many space docks but I didn't care. You were my little doll, my baby." The feline sighed and the ribbon flattened between her nervous hands. Upon seeing its inky colour I am reminded of a longing for a sheltered space though its name is unknown to me.
"We raised you, cared for you, fed you, clothed you, and eventually we named you and gave you a birthday. You were our little bird, so eager to take flight with only your pure heart to guide you. And so Kalena Aderyn was born to us. And only sleep could ever take you away. But you always came back, and then you would be more vigourous and full of life than ever." Her eyes were downcast, and she seemed only capable of looking at the ribbon. "But where is that life now? Fading? Gone? Will you leave me like Arrow? Will you too resign me to this existence within my dark heart after you extinguish what remains of my light?"
I turn my head and stare into the soft glow of the lamp above me. 'Why do we leave the dark?'
The sound of my voice startles her and she rushes to my side and before I know it she's clutching me, running her gloved hands through my hair and purring against my face. "Child, we leave the dark to find those that love us in the light." She croons at me, all relief and I feel her silent tears leaking into my hair. I lifted one hand to go to hold her and was surprised by the bandages I discovered there.
'What are these from? How did I get them?' I brought my other equally bandaged hand up to unravel the coverings but she stopped me.
"You don't remember?" The feline looked at me quizzically before continuing. "A star went super nova and became a black hole. We did what we could to save the ship and escape it with everyone intact, but in the end we lost Mr. Arrow, and we nearly lost you too." She paused, wishing her new set of crystalline tears to go away.
"We, that is- Jim, found you hanging from a rope completely unconscious. Your arms and hands were covered in severe burns that I can only assume were caused by the final blast from the dying star. I'm sorry my child, but I'm afraid there will be permanent scarring."
I began to tug at the bandages impatiently wanting to see the damage and assess it myself but Amelia stopped me. "I think it's best for you leave them on for a couple more days, until you've healed a bit more both physically and mentally." She rested her gloved hands on top of mine and looked deeply into my eyes. "Now about Mr. Arrow, I must tell you that I have made my peace; now, will I ever stop mourning?" She gestured to the black armband affixed to her sleeve. "Probably not, or maybe I will. But one way or another I want you to understand that I am at rest with Mr. Arrow's untimely passing."
I managed to stay quiet as she spoke of Mr. Arrow but a thousand different memories began cramming their way into my mind's viewer episode. Lectures, disciplinary measures, lessons, times of mirth, all these times and more ached in my skull as I thought of the mighty presence Arrow had been in my life. I casted a quick glance at Amelia knowing she must be in absolute agony only to find her staring at me. Slowly, I bring my hands down from when they had been clutching at my temples and look to the ribbon that lay forgotten on the floor.
"What was the ribbon for Amelia?" I asked, entirely grateful for the lucky distraction.
She flashed a wistful yet melancholy smile at me before answering. "It was for you my little bird. I thought maybe this time you really had flown away with the darkness. And so, like I have done for Mr. Arrow I would have donned his ribbon in your memory." I shifted in the bed and placed my feet on the floor. When I stood my legs were a little unstable and it was then that it dawned on me to ask how long I had been flying in the dark.
"Three days. You had me worried." She watched me walk the short distance across the cabin to retrieve the ribbon and return with her uncanny eyesight. "So much for your condition being moderate hmm? Maybe we should have Dr. Rhinestone examine you when we return."
I turned the ribbon thoughtfully in my hands before responding. "There's just something about this journey that has spiked my vulnerability. Truly, it hasn't been that bad, certainly nothing for the Doctor to examine me for.' Internally I shuddered, all the doctor ever did was inject me with strange medication and attempt to prescribe me more pills and advise a less active lifestyle.
I sat next to the Captain but did not crawl back under the bed covers. I avoided her stare and slowly folded and unfolded the ribbon as I posed my next question. "Captain, if Mr. Arrow's death was not an accident but was more of a murder...would you seek justice?" I felt her stiffen for a bit but suddenly she relaxed as if all the fight had gone out of her. "No...I would not, because for one his death was indeed an accident and two if it was a murder we aren't exactly in the best position to find him/her and root them out. Besides, we don't even have a name."
'And if I could give you one?' The question felt hostile but more like a challenge than an actual threat.
Instead of jumping at the opportunity like I thought she would, she dismissed me. "I have a name Kalena, it's Jim Hawkins. If you need someone to blame, blame him. His carelessness cost me the life of a dear comrade and yet he walks while Arrow never shall again!" At the end of her vent she promptly broke down, all signs of callousness and anger driven from her.
Obviously, her peace was not yet fully obtained. I stood, the ribbon, clenched in my right hand, and I looked down at the Captain before departing from her chambers. I paused at the door, only to say, 'I'm keeping this.' before opening the door and exiting the room altogether.
The crew stopped and stared as I passed, mouths agape with shock and another emotion. Rage? Displeasure? I cared not for what it was or the fact that they were all watching. I flew without seeing, blinded by the light, numb to them all; I relied upon muscle memory to keep my feet moving and direct me to my cabin.
I shut the door behind me, its soft click sealing me in, allowing my senses to revel in safety and absolute quiet. I shrugged off the robes the Captain had dressed me in and was still standing in my nightclothes when there was a knock at the door. Whoever it was didn't wait for permission to enter.
"Kalena?! I had to come as soon as I saw you, the Captain...she wouldn't let me see you at all after I left and the way you were walking and how everyone watched scared me into thinking you were a ghost."
I still had not turned around to face him but instead placed the black ribbon gently down onto my desk before picking up the white robes. I turned around, clutching the white robes between my hands.
He drew quiet and shut the door after seeing my face. 'You thought...I was a ghost? You thought I was dead?' He tried to reach for the robes but I shrank back from him.
"Kalena...it's custom to dress the dying in white so they can blend easily with the light. It's just an old tradition, give me the robes." He whispered, his hands out in surrender.
'No...I have no light.' I hissed. I felt deranged, totally mad since the distress had eaten away at me from the inside and if I wasn't careful I would induce another episode.
Jim stepped forward, his sapphire eyes dark and he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Kalena. Please listen, you're not dead and neither are you dying. I know Mr. Arrow's death has hit you pretty hard and I know you've just woken up but please believe me when I say you do have a light. I see it burn in your eyes and if you would calm down I can help things get better."
I let him push me down onto my bed, curious as to what his solution was. He took the robes and tossed them into a corner and grabbed something from my desk. He knelt before me and offered me my bottle of pills. I took them and then angrily threw them to the other end of the room.
'How dare you? Have you any idea what I've gone through? I watched a man die, a person who was very dear to me, I watched him die because I was too weak to save him. My condition killed him and yet you offer me medicine that only tames this illness! I've been in a coma, lost to the world only to be ruthlessly pulled back and what do I awake to?! My Captain in constant mourning and her first mate's killer still prowling the ship's decks! But because she decrees that there was no murder he is untouchable! I've gone through agony with scars to prove it yet you want me to be dependent upon the easiest solution! I-' I lost my voice and my footing—somehow as I yelled I had managed to stand. I crawled weakly on the ground, my limbs aching as the cataplexy raged within me. Jim sighed, fetched the bottle, and then scooped me into his lap where he dropped three pills into my waiting mouth. Somehow he understood that I had seized completely and it would be some time before I could move again. Hot tears dripped down my face as I thought of how my own condition had brought me to my knees. I knew that most times the supplements were all I had between a "normal" lifestyle and eternal sleep but I still hated them. Hated my codependency, and hated myself for being the weakest link in this ship's chain.
Jim had sat there quietly rocking me while the medication spread. "Y'know," he whispered into my hair. "You're not the only one who's been through hell these past few days... The Captain... blames me for Mr. Arrow's death, she doesn't say it but I see it in her eyes. And the crew... well they don't care for an outside like me. Silver tried to help but it didn't work." He sounded bitter, as if he wanted a different outcome. "And the one person who could have helped, the one who put me at ease was in a coma and for all I knew could be dying. But the worst part is... the worst part is that I have a death on my hands and that the girl I mentioned, is furious with me." He smiled, but it was a half-smile that didn't reach his eyes. He was caught in his own web of turmoil and depression just like I was caught in mine yet I had done nothing but aggravated it. My cheeks burned at my own selfishness and I regretted all I said. I told him this and he shrugged an okay, but he had a faraway look in his eyes. He became fixated on staring at the small window in my room and it was then I noticed the moisture in his eyes.
I wrapped my arms around him and breathed into his chest that 'Everything would be alright.' He hugged me back and together we shed tears into each other's clothing. Eventually the tears ceased to flow and I released him. I stood and he followed my example, as he turned towards my door I grabbed his hand without thinking. I stepped forward closer to him and then stopped. With my heartbeat pulsing with the intensity of a cannon I stood onto the tips of my toes and sealed the distance between us.
The instant our lips met I burst into flame. The light behind my eyelids was ferocious but so were the tremors echoing throughout my body. Even with Jim's hands steadying me–one around my waist and the other locked in my hair—I still shook. He pulled away breaking contact as he slipped his hands around my thighs and lifted me up. He placed us on my bed and I barely had time to breathe before he brought his lips back to mine.
It seemed Jim was everywhere, filling my senses despite how hyper-sensitive he had made them become. He wielded control where I was left gasping, my bandaged hands looking for purchase on him somewhere. Somehow my hands ended up under his shirt and the light but firm muscle tone I found blew me away. I was mesmerized, and completely drawn into Jim and his kisses—which had moved onto places like my cheeks, neck, and collarbone—so I was shocked when I discovered what his hands were up to.
The buttoned nightshirt I had been wearing was three-quarters undone and had steadily shifted up exposing most of my mid-riff and part of my undergarments. I blushed furiously and abruptly placed my hands over his, effectively halting any and all progress.
'J-Jim, I... I can't. This is too soon...' I mumbled, the words catching in my throat as he began kissing my neck.
"It's alright." Was all he said before he kissed my cheek and pulled a blanket over me.
'You're leaving?' I half-screeched half-moaned at him.
"I have to, I still have work to finish but I promise I'll come back and talk with you as soon as I'm done." I waited until he left—it was easier to pretend I was still shocked at this turn of events—but once he was gone I grabbed the closest pillow to muffle the screams.