"This just can't get any worse, can it?" Garrus asked Legion who was watching him and flaring his panels wide opened. "Tell me it just can't get any worse."
"We are unable to positively ensure no other negative occurrence will happen," Legion said.
"Garrus, I am afraid it got worse," EDI announced. "Shepard has just entered the elevator. She would be in this room in exactly three minutes and twenty-six seconds."
"We should hide," Mordin said. "Suggest under the bed."
"Yeah, sure," Garrus said. "Best suggestion from you now is hide under the bed, Mordin?"
"Just kidding. Idea did went well," Mordin said. "Just did not anticipate Yeoman Chambers' reaction. Must agreed with Urdnot Wrex that she is indeed a strange one. Actually, not kidding. We should hide."
"Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - three minutes and two seconds," EDI said over the comm.
"We should hide," Legion repeated Mordin's words, flapping his panels even more.
"You too, Legion?" Garrus asked. "This is so not you."
"We have arrived at a consensus that Doctor-Mordin's suggestion is the best course of action to take at this moment," Legion answered.
"Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - two minutes and thirty seconds," EDI announced again.
"Stop doing that, EDI!" Garrus said. "You're doing that on purpose!"
"No, Garrus," EDI said. "But I do sense a state of urgency in your plans to hide from your own girlfriend."
"Not helping, EDI," Garrus said. "And I'm not the one suggesting we hide."
"Would telling you there is a ledge outside the Captain's quarters after you exit the door be of more help?" EDI asked. "It is wide enough to accommodate a Turian, a Salarian and a Geth mobile unit. Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - one minutes and fifteen seconds."
"Follow," Mordin said. "If we hurry, we can still make it."
"Why are we leaving?" Garrus asked as he followed Legion who was following the Salarian scientist. "I am not hiding. Mordin! It may look bad but Shepard will get it. Why are we leaving?"
"Awkward," Mordin said. "Very awkward. Better not have to explain how this happened."
The brilliant ship's scientist got as far as the stairs to Shepard's working station before the door slid opened and in came a rather distracted Commander.
"EDI," she was saying. "I do not need to go check on the damn fridge! For the last time, stop suggesting me to go do this or that! I need a..."
And Shepard saw the three in her room before she finally said the last word, "shower... Mordin? Legion? What are you doing in our room?"
Garrus felt a great sense of pride when he heard Shepard said that it was their room instead of her room only. But then he remembered what Mordin did and his ego immediately deflated.
"In your room?" Mordin asked. "Ah, yes. In your room. Not going to be for long. Leaving."
Knowing Mordin was up to something which had everything to do with her room from the way he had answered her, Shepard pushed Mordin back a few steps, sending him colliding with Legion who was right behind. She barely narrowed her eyes at the Salarian before something else to her left caught her attention. She turned slightly and stared. And then, her jaws dropped.
"Guys," she said quietly, her eyes wide opened. Mordin's supposed transgression, forgotten. "What is Kelly doing?"
"Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers appears to be waving," Legion said.
"In my room?" Shepard asked.
"That is an affirmative," Legion answered.
Shepard turned her eyes slowly toward Garrus, whom by now had hidden his face in his talon. He was developing an Alenko size headache.
"Garrus," Shepard said quietly, pointing at the waving Kelly. "What is Kelly Chambers doing in there?"
"I wish I can explain that too," Garrus said.
"Garrus," Shepard asked again. "What is Kelly Chambers doing, swimming in my fish tank, wearing a purple stripper outfit?"
"That I did not suggested it," Mordin said. "Although suggested something else that led to it. The outfit. Was already in it. An excellent choice really. Does not absorb water. Made well for underwater activities as well. If noticed, matches the color of her breather. Excellent choice of outfit."
"Mordin," Shepard said. "I don't care about the color of her outfit matching her breather. I want to know what the hell is she doing in there dressed like a stripper! EDI! What the hell is Kelly doing in the fish tank?"
"Yeoman Chambers received a reply from you to meet her here after shift hours was over. She came in to find Mordin, Legion and Garrus instead. It was suggested to her that strip teasing was not innovative enough and that the Yeoman needed to be more creative."
"What reply?"
Garrus, being the good boyfriend he was, showed Shepard his data pad. Shepard read the two almost identical message sent to Garrus and herself and frowned.
"Thought to discourage her by telling her more creativity is needed to win your heart," Mordin said.
"So, Garrus. Your way of ditching Kelly is psyching her into swimming in our fish tank?"
"Trust me, Shepard," Garrus said. "This was farthest away by miles from the plan Mordin had."
"I was thinking along the lines of you telling her you have a girlfriend, me!" Shepard said. "That kind of ditching plan usually works one hundred and ten percent of the time."
"Was trying to help her. know her state is fragile at the moment," Mordin said. "Would have suggested some activities like mining the entire planet on foot with a pickaxe. Very good for Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. Relaxes the mind... if mining activities do not take her where she might come in contact with mercs or carnivorous wildlife. Get minerals deposits too. Could take years. Kill two Turians with one stone."
"That is the worse bastardized analogy ever," Garrus said. "It's two birds with one stone, for your information."
"Same thing," Mordin said. "Avian ancestry similar. Turians more advance. Killing with stone, show effectiveness in executing stone."
"Look how effective you are," Shepard pointed to the glass tank.
"Never anticipated would take your breather and climb into tank. Very strange woman. Sexual pleasure would clearly not be heightened with fish tank water. Prejek Paddle Fish. Made famous for their odd locomotion and feeding habits. Also known to excrete rare amino based chemical and cause water to become putrid. Very unhygienic to swim in it. Would smell foul for days after. Clothes, breather, hair. All foul smelling by now."
"That's my breather she's wearing?" Shepard voice was breaking. She was in distress. "That's the only breather I have... I like that breather.
"We offered the breather from your armory to her," Legion said. "She would have drowned if she jumped in without it. She is not a Geth unit."
"At least no longer in dancing mood," Mordin said. "Strange human. Offered to dance for us when saw you were not in."
"Should have seen Legion," Garrus laughed. "He asked if she could teach him how to dance instead."
"Oh good God," Shepard face palmed. "Legion, you did not asked Kelly to teach you to strip tease."
"Garrus-Vakarian suggested we learn dancing. When Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers insisted on dancing for us, we came to the understanding that no one wanted to watch her perform. We then arrived at the consensus it was best we asked her to instruct us in the dance form instead to stop her from dancing. She would have been a good teacher. We might still learn from her after this."
"Oh please," Shepard begged. "Please do not learn to strip tease if you want me to look at you without laughing at you like an idiot."
"Very well," Legion said. "We shall not learn this dance form."
Kelly tapped the glass of the tank and waved at the Commander. Shepard watched her, blinking a bit before she slowly waved back. This made Kelly happier than she was and she started swimming in circles.
"Garrus...," Shepard pleaded. "How are we going to get that woman out of there?"
"I wish I know, Shepard," Garrus said. "Spirits, maybe I should have listened to Wrex and just spaced her."
"I should have just left her to melt into goo at the base," Shepard said. "But that meant I would have to let Chakwas get melted first before it came to her turn. And no one was melting my Doctor Chakwas."
Kelly waved again. Shepard forced a smile. Legion waved back. Mordin looked left to right and seeing he was out of reprimand zone, spoke up,
"Tap the glass? Signal? Get her out of there?"
"No," Shepard said. "Let her stay there till I come up with a good way to say, "you're fired" twice. I doubt the fish will get annoyed like I do with her around. And since she's already putrid, staying in there a while more won't do her more harm."
"Thought all the ship's crew decided to fire the Illusive Man?" Garrus said.
"Yes," Shepard replied. "They did. A few joined up with Jacob. Some decided to go to Grimson Academy. A few would like to continue working under Miranda. And you know Ken and Gabby. They're coming with us."
"So what's the problem?" Garrus asked.
"Well, Jacob said Kelly would not quite fit into his team, meaning keep her away from him. Miranda said plainly she would rather sit on a chair of nails and watch her butt swell three times its size than bring Kelly with her."
"And," Shepard added. "I really don't think I want her along. You know we're reporting back to Earth sooner or later. I'd rather have her not follow us all the way from here to half across all the relays while we drop everyone off. Since we'll be heading to the Citadel soon, I thought to tell her to, you know, stay there instead."
"That's not really firing her," Garrus pointed out.
"Still," Shepard said. "Never had to tell someone nice to leave before. Not even Alenko. It's hard to tell her she's not needed and that three quarter of the ship has complained she has been propositioning them."
"You know," Garrus said. "If you've told me this before, I wouldn't have been this desperate to get her gone and ended up going along with Mordin and Legion's plan. And now we have a Kelly Chambers in the fish tank, smelling like fish poo."
"Oh, it's my fault?" Shepard asked.
"Never," Garrus said. "Just saying."
Shepard tapped on the glass to get the swimming Yeoman's attention. Then, she did a 'thumbs up' sign and some other sign she could muster up to basically say, by gesturing, that Kelly should continue doing what she was doing.
"So, since you three were so brilliant as to get her to jump into the tank and swim with the fishes, give me something useful. I need to tell her she has been fired by everyone."
"Same words Officer Garrus used," Mordin said. ""Give something useful". Similar structure and tone as well. Interesting. Perhaps sexually intercourse altering DNA? Must study further. May I..."
"Oh hell, no!" Shepard said. "No. No. No. No. No. You're not doing any study on me. Take the Turian."
"What?" Garrus was shocked Shepard would even suggest that. "Oh Spirits, no. No. No. No. No. No."
"How very interesting," Mordin said. "Both need further study. Should go to my lab now and proceed. This way. Follow."
Mordin pushed passed Shepard and headed for the door without looking back.
"Actually, have you had dinner?" Garrus asked.
"No," Shepard said. "I was trying, unsuccessfully, to talk Jacob or Miranda into taking Kelly for like hours. It was so tiring."
"Why don't we just go see what Mordin wants and then head down for some chow. I heard Levo has steak."
"Dextro?" Shepard asked.
"A very nice dinner too, apparently," Garrus said. "Let's go before the Salarian took the elevator down without us. It would take it forever to get back up."
"Yes," Shepard said, following Legion who was following Mordin. "I am starving now."
"Maybe later," Garrus said. "We can test this little new thing I learned call foot massage. I read humans love that kind of things."
"Oh you have no idea how much I appreciate you right now," Shepard smiled. "Not even steaks can top a Turian foot masseur."
"I know that to be true," Garrus purred.
"No cheesy Flux music this time though," Shepard warned, "Or I'll personally delete all your music collection."
"That was Mordin's idea," Garrus said. "Trust me, I have better taste than that."
"Fleet and the Flotilla is not exactly better taste, Vakarian."
"Hurry up. Elevator wont wait," Mordin said as the two slipped in before the door closed. "Dinner time. Have appointment to meet with Doctor Chakwas."
And down the four of them went. Only two out of the four remembered there was a Yeoman still swimming in the fish tank but one opted not to tell anyone he second one was still learning when he should speak, and when he should not. And at the moment, he was at the state of not having any data available regarding if it would be the right thing to do to remind his Shepard-Commander she had gestured ordered the Yeoman to keep swimming and forgotten all about it.
It was not easy trying to fish the Yeoman out of the fish tank after letting her swim in there for three whole hours. Kelly was too exhausted to climb out of the tank and Shepard was too short to get to her. Garrus simply refused to get in there for fear of drowning. In the end, they had to call up Grunt to do the job of extracting the poor girl.
"Can I eat the fish when I'm in there?" Grunt asked after he was told what to do.
"You just had dinner, Grunt!" Shepard said.
"What's good are those fish in there if not to eat?" Grunt said. "It's a waste of good food."
"You go in there and get Kelly and that is it," Shepard ordered. "Or else no allowance this week for chocolate."
Grunt grunted but lumbered to the ladder that was placed by the tank. For a Krogan who lumbered the way he did, it was amazing that he could also be swift and limber. Garrus and Shepard watched as he climbed up the ladder, lifted himself effortless on to the edge of the tank and swung a Krogan leg, then another over it, finally slipping into the water like an overweight eel and swimming his way to the floating Yeoman. He dragged her to the glass and lifted her over his head like she weighed nothing.
"Watch it!"
Shepard called out a second too late. Grunt flipped Kelly over the edge of the tank and she landed smack flat on her face in front of Shepard. Kelly groaned, pulling off the breather and rubbing her forehead as she rolled over. An egg-size bump was quickly developing on her forehead.
"Spirits, she smells," Garrus said.
"I told you to be careful!" Shepard scolded Grunt after he got out of the tank.
"You told me to get her out," Grunt smirked like a Wrex. "But you didn't say how I should get her out. I got her out the fastest way I could. I don't want to stay in there any longer than I should and end up smelling like her."
"That was payback for saying I would cut your chocolate allowance, wasn't it?" Shepard said.
"Heh heh heh heh," came the reply.
"I might just cut your allowance for buying action figures too," Shepard waved a warning finger at the young Krogan.
"Actually Shepard, you can't," Garrus said. "That came out of his pay, not the allowance you give him."
"Oh," Shepard blinked, only realizing. "Why am I giving you an allowance when you're paid?"
"Because you love me?" Grunt answered her question.
Garrus laughed, "For that answer, I'm so buying you three rounds of ryncol the next time we dock."
"When did you two become so tight?" Shepard said.
"Heh heh heh heh," Grunt laughed, picked up Kelly and slung her over his shoulder. "I'll take her to the med bay. My own initiative. No charge. But some more chocolate would be nice this month."
He continued laughing as he took the Yeoman out of the room, leaving a trail of fish tank water for the two to clean up after.
"Looks like I chased off every suitor I had," Shepard said after she came out of the shower. "Now I'm left with only a Turian."
It had taken them a while to clean, disinfect and then dry the floor. It was a good thing the cabin was not carpeted. Shepard had no idea her fish smelled so wrong until Grunt threw the soaked Kelly out of the tank.
"True," Garrus said, drying his fringe with his tower as he climbed into bed next to the now comfortable Shepard. "With Kelly smelling that bad for days, I doubt she'll dare come near you for a while after this. She would most likely avoid us from now on for fear of what you might accidentally do to torture her again."
"And, Jacob has personally given me a restraining order to keep myself exactly one point five meters away from him so my hands could not touch him when I speak with him," Shepard added. "I think he is afraid I would take off more than his brows if I touch him. So much for being a "prizeeeeeee"."
"And," Garrus said. "You also gave Thane morning sickness every time he slips into remembering how you drove. You do have a way of scaring people off, don't you?"
"I do, don't I?" Shepard said, cuddling him and putting one of her legs over his. "I'm a horrible human, Garrus."
"And I'm a bad Turian, Shepard," he said, putting his arm around her to pull her closer.
"Guess we're pretty good for each other then, huh?" Shepard asked.
"I'd said we're perfectly fitted for each other," Garrus said. "Shall I show you how perfectly fitted we are?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Shepard smiled.
THE END