Chapter : {Three)

The castle's drawbridge lowered slowly, seemingly of it's own accord. Harry stood before the ominous portal, unsure of whether to proceed forward or run away screaming. Looking back, Harry saw nothing but dead trees that seemed to stretch for miles around. And he didn't know the first thing about apparating yet.

"Well Hedwig," said Harry to his owl, "guess we're stuck here."

The owl let out a peculiar sort of squawk, as if to say "Maybe YOU are, sucker," and she flew off towards one of the castle's towering spires in the distance.

"Hey, come on!" Harry cried out after her. "Why do people keep flying away from me?"

Sighing heavily, Harry strapped the case Alucard left him with to his back. He took the Vampire Killer in one hand, his wand in the other, then took a very deep breath and began to cross the drawbridge into the castle.

A long, dimly lit corridor awaited him inside. No windows to be seen, the only source of light came from the flickering candles on the wall. On a whim, Harry practiced snapping the whip at one of them, and to his surprise not only did he hit it, but something red and heart-shaped fell from the candle when he did.

Harry bent down to take a look at it, but it didn't seem particularly useful, so he continued on.

The candles became progressively more scarce, so Harry lit up the tip of his wand to help light the way. The hallway seemed to go on for quite some time, but at least there were no zombies.

"I thought I smelled a Belmont."

Harry whipped around and shone his light in the direction he thought he heard the voice, but he appeared to be alone.

"Hello?" asked Harry. "I'm not really a... I mean, I'm pretty new to this Belmont thing. I didn't even plan to be here today..."

When he didn't get an answer, Harry continued on. Very slowly.

At last he arrived at some kind of room. It was a large chamber, with massive stained-glass windows on either side of the room letting the light flood in. The windows depicted somewhat disturbing imagery of demons and other creatures tearing apart young men and women, but at least it was light.

"You definitely reek of Belmont, boy."

Harry whipped around again, and this time was face to face with the owner of the voice.

Or rather, face to skull.

The creature was wrapped in a flowing hooded cloak that seemed to wrap around the entire room. His bony fingers grasped a long, curved scythe. And his face was a skull.

"Oh bullocks," said Harry.

Death laughed. "You are trespassing in my master's castle, whelp. You cannot hope to defeat him, or me."

"Yeah, no, I wasn't really..." Harry began. "Wait, your master? Aren't you Death? Like, the Death?"

"Yes," said Death proudly.

"And you're letting some vampire boss you around?"

"Lord Dracula isn't just some vampire, you ignorant little twerp, he is the vampire."

"Yeah, but you're the Death."

Death growled. "I will be sure to teach you a lesson you won't forget when next we meet, you insolent worm."

Harry paused. "'When next we meet?' You aren't going to fight me right now?"

"No," said Death. "I'm just going to taunt you for a bit, and then I'm going to go deeper into the castle and wait for you."

"...why?"

"What do you mean? Why what?"

"I mean why not just kill me now. Not that I want to die or anything, but I'm pretty sure you could take me right now. If you wait I might figure this whole Belmont thing out by the time we fight and maybe I'd stand a chance. So it really doesn't make any sense from your perspective to..."

"Listen, child," interrupted Death, "do I go down to Pigswarts-"

"-Hogwarts."

"-and tell you how to cast an abaga kadaga-"

"-Avada Kedavra."

"-on people? No, I do not, so you don't tell me how to be Death, because that is my thing."

Harry shrugged. "Okay, suit yourself. I guess I can't complain."

"Right then," said Death, not sounding quite as bold and confidant as before. "You ruined my speech, and I had this whole dramatic exit thing planned, but..."

He shrugged. "Oh well. See you later, kid." And Death vanished.

Harry stood at the ready for a moment, on the chance that Death was lying and about to ambush him. But he really did seem gone.

"What a strange and terrifying place this is," mused Harry.

Harry scanned the room for an exit, but there didn't seem to be one anywhere in sight. There were, however, some stairs that led to platforms that seemed to just float in the air. Shrugging, Harry picked a staircase and climbed up. Standing on the narrow platform, there didn't seem to be any more stairs in reach, but there was another platform hovering a bit above that.

"Oh come on!" Harry cried out to no one in particular. "You don't honestly expect me to..."

Harry sighed, took a running start, then leapt.

And leapt too far.

His last thought, before hitting the ground, was "I really wish I could change direction mid-jump..."

}{ {} }{ }{ {} }{ }{ {} }{

"The boy is here?"

Peter Pettigrew fumbled nervously. "Yes, my lord Voldemort. I mean, that is what you told us. You are the one who can sense him, after all.."

"But I mean," said lord Voldemort, "the boy is here? In this castle, of all places?"

"My lord?" asked Lucius Malfoy. "What is this castle, if I may ask?"

Voldemort turned to the crew of Death Eaters he had brought along. He thought he would finally catch the boy unprepared since he was away from his family prematurely. Although he did find it a bit odd that the child would suddenly decide to go so far away, Voldemort had to admit that he himself was the one unprepared for this eventuality.

"All of you must go," he stated simply.

"My lord?" asked Pettigrew.

"Go. I will summon you if needed."

"But..."

Voldemort's slitted eyes met with Pettigrew's. "Are you questioning me?"

"...No my lord. I would never..."

"Then take everyone and go." Voldemort turned and began walking towards the drawbridge. "I have business at that castle."

}{ {} }{ }{ {} }{ }{ {} }{

Harry rubbed his increasingly sore head as he trudged slowly down yet another corridor in the castle. He did finally manage to get the hang of that jump, although he was embarrassed to admit even to himself how many tries it took. And the next one took a couple less tries, so that meant he was getting better, right?

Right?

Harry sighed, with the crushing knowledge that he was going to die here, and it was probably going to be from falling off of a stupid floating platform.

He was getting into the habit of peeking behind doors before opening them fully. He almost ended up in a room containing a giant ball of corpses that seemed to want him dead, and he had no intention of making that mistake again.

He was not prepared for what waited behind this door, however.

A young, beautiful redheaded woman sat weeping in a chair. The room was otherwise empty.

"Hello?" said Harry, not yet willing to come out from behind the door. "Are you okay?"

The woman continued crying.

"Um, are you stuck here too? I'm stuck here. I got abandoned by this jerk that turned into a bat... wait, did he pull the same thing on you? Did he try to tell you you're some legendary vampire hunter? 'Cause that totally happened to me."

The woman's head turned. Still sobbing, she nodded once. "Alucard," she said.

"Yes, exactly!" Harry was quite relieved. He may have found himself an ally that wasn't going to turn into a bat. He tossed open the door and stepped inside. "Okay, maybe we can help each other then..."

Harry winced as the door slammed shut behind him.

Harry winced again as the woman sprouted giant bat wings out of her back.

"Oh for the love of... why is it always bloody bats?"

Laughing, the creature shed her modest attire for a black leather getup that left very little to the imagination. She flapped her wings once, rising into the air and hovering. Striking a seductive pose, she beckoned, "Come here, little boy. Let me make you a man."

Harry cocked his head a bit. "Er, I appreciate the offer, but I have this thing with bats."

"I'm not a bat, I'm a Succubus."

"I also have a thing with Succubi..."

The creature appeared frustrated. "How are you resisting my charms? Your magic is not strong enough. Am I not beautiful to you?"

"Well, I mean... you've got a nice rack, I guess." Harry shrugged. "You're really not doing anything for me here."

"Boy..." the Succubus hesitated. "Are you... gay?"

Harry tilted his head and pondered that for a second. "You know what? I might be."

"Oh," said the Succubus. "Great." She slumped back into her chair and folded her arms.

"Er... that's it? You're not going to fight me?"

"Well it's no bloody fun if I'm not even seducing you, is it?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or anything," Harry said, for some reason feeling bad for the creature. "I mean, I don't want to fight. I don't even want to be here."

She huffed irritatedly.

"...You really do have a great rack."

"Yeah, like you care."

Harry sighed. "Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"You didn't," she declared a little too vehemently, and pouted.

"...Okay," said Harry. "I'm just going to get going now then."

"Fine," she said loudly, and she turned the chair to face away from him.

Harry very slowly backed out of the room and softly shut the door behind him.

"Women," he muttered to himself.

}{ {} }{ }{ {} }{ }{ {} }{

Harry entered what he was sure was one of the more unusual rooms in this very unusual castle, in that it wouldn't be unusual at all if it was a room anywhere else.

It was a pastry shop. With a register and everything.

Harry looked at the display case, showcasing all sorts of delicious-looking cakes and cookies and all other sorts of baked goods. Harry was very hungry.

He eyed the cash register. Then he eyed the lamp at the top of the room.

Snapping the whip, Harry busted the lamp open, and sure enough, one of those coin things he kept picking up fell out, and dropped right into the register.

And a tasty biscuit popped out of the display case.

"Finally!" thought Harry. "A worthwhile room in this ruddy place."

Harry snatched up the biscuit, but noticed many more tasty treats still unclaimed. He looked up woefully where the lamp used to be and sighed.

"Can't win 'em all, I guess," Harry mused, and walked out of the room.

However, Harry stopped himself just as he crossed the threshold of the doorway. He thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye...

Sure enough, the lamp was back.

"Okay, AWESOME!" Harry dashed back into the room and bashed the lamp. The coin fell again, although this time nothing came out. However, a quick trip out and back in regenerated the lamp, and another coin produced another pastry.

"Okay, I see how it is," said Harry gleefully.

Several hours later, Harry was quite full and still had a handful of dessert, but the display case was not yet empty, and Harry didn't feel inclined to stop.

"In and out, in and out," Harry said to himself in a singsongy voice as he dashed in and out of the room. "This will never not be fun."

"Oh, come on!" A voice bellowed from all directions at once. "Is this ALL you're going to be doing?"

Harry paused, having just bit down into a cupcake. "Mmmmphh?" is all he managed.

A cloud of fog was gathering in the center of the room. Harry figured that was not a very good sign.

"I have been waiting for you in my chambers," said a voice that seemed increasingly more like it was coming from the fog, "for hours. HOURS! Simon would have been there by now. My SON would have been there by now. That damned pansy Nathan... -Graves, was it?- would have been at least somewhere near my room. But you. You are here. Doing. NOTHING!"

The fog condensed together, and before it even took shape, Harry was pretty sure he knew who he was dealing with right now.

"I just wanted some cake," he said pathetically.

Lord Dracula's towering, human-esque form loomed over him. "You can have cake AFTER you fight me. I'm a busy man and I don't have time to wait for you to dilly dally over such... pointlessness."

"Hey!" protested Harry. "You put this room here, not me."

"Actually the castle did. I don't have time to redesign the damn place every time I come back to life. I mean, it's pretty much every couple years at this point. Do you know how much effort it is to design a whole castle?"

"I... uh... no, I guess not."

"Exactly," sneered Dracula. "So now we will fight to the death, here in this pastry shop. Not exactly the epic backdrop our duel deserves, but you do try my patience so..."

"Wait!" cried Harry. "I'm not ready for our epic duel. I mean, I haven't even fought Death yet. And I still haven't gotten the cake."

"I don't have time to wait for you to get the cake."

"But it looks so.."

"I don't. Have time. TO WAIT. FOR YOU. TO GET THE CAKE!"

"Has anyone ever brought up the possibility that you have an anger management issue?"

With a howl of rage, Dracula lunged towards Harry, fangs extended and mouth agape. In an instant he was on top of the boy, ready to strike.

Harry curled up into the fetal position.

Dracula paused. "Stop that. Get up. Fight me."

"Sarcastic quips have kept me alive so far. I was kind of hoping that was the case this time too."

Dracula backed away. "You... you don't wish to fight?"

"Uh, not really. I'm kind of already in a battle-to-the-death kind of thing with another guy, I don't really need another one."

"But I am Lord Dracula. King of Evil. Scourge of Humanity. You must want me dead."

"Yeah, I keep getting roped into these battles with the greatest evils that ever existed and whatever, but I'm really not all that into it."

Dracula rubbed his temple. "You... DON'T want to fight?"

"No, I really don't." Harry looked at him, befuddled. "Is that a bad thing or something?"

"Well what is the point of leaving the Belmonts alive if I can't have my epic final battle? I need this. I need this."

"You... have problems."

"I-" Dracula started to protest, then sighed. "I really do."

"You should maybe consider counseling."

"And who would Dracula, Lord of Darkness, go to for counseling?"

"Death?"

"Death's more messed up than I am."

"True." Harry Hesitated. "Er, well, I could have a go at it?"

Dracula sneered. "Majored in demon lord psychology, I suppose?"

"Well, no,"mused Harry, "but I happen to have a sort of psychic link to the only person on the planet as crazy as you, so I do have... insight."

The Lord of Darkness let out a sigh, and hopped up on the pastry counter to have a seat. "It began many years ago, when I was still human. In my thirst for vengeance against God I became... this. My friend, my best friend... Leon Belmont. He swore he and his kin would always destroy me. That's his girlfriend in your whip, by the way."

Harry dangled Vampire Killer in front of him. "Oh, creepy."

"I know, right? Anyway, I don't know if you've ever had a dear friend refuse to join your evil empire and vow to hunt you for all eternity, but it really hurts, you know? I may be an all-powerful demonic force, but somewhere shoved in the back of it all, there's still the shredded remains of my humanity. And that tiny, almost microscopic portion would love nothing more than to be reunited with a Belmont."

"Then why the heck do you want to battle them to the death all the time?"

"Because a Belmont would never join me. You know, with the evil enslaving humanity bit I have going on. Plus, I may be a little bit human, but I'm still like 99% vampire and that kind of makes for conflicted motives."

"Right," Harry nodded, eying the cake woefully.

"But perhaps there is hope in-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Dracula was hit square in the chest with a green bolt of magic as Voldemort burst into the room, wand at the ready. "I GOT you! I finally GOT you, you pale bastard!"

Dracula stared at him, dumbfounded. "Tom?"

Voldemort stared back. "Er... why aren't you..."

Dracula pointed to his fangs. "Undead."

"..."

Harry chimed in, "Er, what are you doing here Voldy?"

"That is none of your concern, and believe me I will address your infidelity in a moment, after I-"

"Infidelity?"

"You're cheating on me with another Dark Lord. I'M your battle to the death! ME!"

"I was here first," protested Dracula.

"THE FUCK YOU WERE!" screamed Voldemort.

"Okay!" Harry belted out. "Would those of us in the room without extremely bizarre violent compulsions please raise their hands?" Harry raised his own hand.

Voldemort and Dracula simply stared at him. After the silence had gone on for some time, Harry added.

"I didn't realize it was it was a monogamous sort of thing. I mean, we fight each other to the death, it's not like it's a commitment."

"I TOLD you that for some time now, my only focus has been you!" The Dark Lord screeched, "It was implied!"

"But I thought that was your diary? Not technically you?" Harry said, confused, "How do you even know about-"

"Nevermind that," Voldemort said a bit too hastily.

"Okay, Right. So how do you two know each other exactly?" Harry asked.

Voldemort sneered. "Not your business, boy."

"I broke off a... dalliance him," said Dracula.

"I said he had no purpose knowing that! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The green bolt hit Dracula harmlessly in the chest again. "Are you going to stop that, or..."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Okay, well, glad we're being adults about this," Dracula added.

"Right," Harry said, "I have to know the rest of this story."

After Notes:

I know this is OOC and all, but, this is meant to be light and humorous.

And just a little response to Kurai's comment – That's okay, it was supposed to make you laugh. ^_^ ,

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all its rights to it belong to JK Rowling, various publishers, and Warner Bros. Inc. This fan fiction is not-for-profit and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The views, activities, lifestyles and events portrayed herein in no way reflects the opinion, activities or lifestyle of the author. None of the characters, places, or situations depicted herein are intended to resemble any person, place, or real life event; any resemblance to any person, place, or event is purely coincidental. Likewise I do not own Castlevania or any of the characters from the game series. Beta: None for this chapter. Offer if you'd like to beta for me! Pairing: Dracula/Harry Potter/Lord Voldemort Warnings: Character Death, Violence, Sexual and Homosexual content, OOC, AU, OC, Vampire fic, more warnings to be added as they occur. Comments: