I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.
animepercystyle: The second worst poetry in the universe is that of the Azgoths of Kria. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England, in the destruction of the planet Earth.
She Elf of Hidden Lore: cool name! Yes, Legolas is a spoon thief. *shakes head sadly*
Dear Elrond,
Don't bother with the shampoo - I'll just steal some from Legolas.
The quest is still boring. We're stuck in Moria now, after a scary tentacled monster tried to eat Frodo and caused a bit of a cave-in. Sadly, the hospitable Morian dwarves are all dead, and the place is inhabited solely by goblins. And I keep thinking I see a strange pair of eyes watching us, but it must be my imagination.
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn II Elessar
Dear Ada,
Why would you send Celeborn a Vogon? Are you still angry with him about the moose? Because I thought you'd grown to love it.
We're stuck underground in a dwarf mine. I don't like it. On the upside, the walls have mithril veins running through them. Mithril is even shinier than our spoons.
Gollum has started following us. It is rather disturbing. As I write this, we are sitting at a crossroads in the mine because Gandalf has gotten lost again.
Your loving son,
Legolas
Dear Elrond,
On second thoughts, could you send my shampoo? And some healing herbs? I tried to steal some of Legolas' shampoo and he got very angry. I think my arm might be broken.
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn II Elessar
Dear Aragorn,
You should really know better by now than to steal an elf's shampoo. I am sending yours and some bandages with this letter.
I'm sorry to hear that the quest is so boring. I am sending my finest minstrel to recite poetry for you and your friends in Moria.
All is well in Rivendell, apart from the fact that I have had to ban "Down by the Valley" from being sung anywhere, as much for Lindir's own health and safety as because it is so annoying. I don't know why I didn't think of banning it earlier.
Cordially,
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.
Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Aragorn II Elessar
Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Legolas
Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Gandalf
Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Gimli
Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Boromir
Dear Elrond,
We hate you.
Frodo, Sam, Pippin & Merry
Dear Legolas,
The moose incident was embarrassing and you know it. I admit I have grown rather fond of the beast, though I still cannot fathom why you wanted to call it Rudolph.
Mithril is indeed shiny, but it is also expensive, so I would recommend sticking to spoons.
If Gollum is stalking you, I know an excellent (and vicious) lawyer who could help with taking out a restraining order. Or you could just shoot him.
Gollum, not the lawyer.
Forgive me, I must go, it is time to give Rudolph her foot massage. The vet I called in from Gondor says her ankle should be healed soon.
Your loving father,
Thranduil