I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon minstrel.
Dear Smeagol,
I am writing with regards to the restraining order my client, Mr Baggins, took out against you. I have evidence showing that you have not obeyed the terms of the restraining order and have in fact been stalking him. If you do not stop this behaviour at once I will be forced to take serious legal action against you.
On another note, would you be interested in coming to my jazz saxophone recital on Saturday?
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law
Dear Martin,
We is very sorry for stalking the Master of the Precious (no we isn't). We do not want to go to jail (Jail? Never heard of a jail before, my precious) Shut up! This is my letter! MINE! MY OWN! (you don't have anyone to write to, precious) I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
We will stop following Master at once (no we won't). We'll be nice to lawyerses if they be nice to us. (But we don't want to be nice, precious, no we doesn't) Stop it! (What did you say?) Leave now and never come back! (what?) LEAVE - NOW - AND NEVER - COME BACK!(...) We told him to go away, precious, and away he goes! Smeagol is free!And we would love to go to a saxophone recital. We loves jazz, yes we does.
Smeagol (Gollum)
Dear Dad,
The most wonderful poet arrived yesterday. I am sending him to Minas Tirith so you can hear his wonderful poetry.
Your loving son,
Boromir
Dear Boromir,
I hate you.
Denethor
Dear Elrond,
Thanks for sending the bandages. It turns out my arm wasn't broken, just badly bruised. Legolas hit it with the handle of Gimli's axe.
Gandalf died. He fell off a cliff (not fair, I had a bet with Legolas that I would be the first person to do that) while fighting a Balrog.
The shampoo arrived fine as well, but for some reason the label is blank. Is that normal? I lent it to Frodo, he seems to like it.
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn II Elessar
Dear Aragorn,
That is no ordinary shampoo. It is Rivendell Essences, made by Lindir, and has the power to make the user smell of apples and coconut. Keep it secret; keep it safe.
Sorry to hear about Gandalf. He was a good sort.
Cordially,
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell
Dear Elrond,
I have an official document proving that between the hours of 10:37 and 11:06 last night, you violated the copyright of my client's phrase, "keep it secret; keep it safe". My client is willing to drop charges providing you come to my saxophone recital on Saturday.
See you then (or in court),
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law
Dear Martin,
First of all, your client is dead. Secondly, I happen to know that Gandalf wouldn't give an orc's buttock about copyright infringements, so why don't you stick your official document where the sun don't shine and go *the rest of this letter has been censored for public health and safety reasons*
Cordially,
Elrond Peredhril
Dear Smeagol,
I heard that you recently recovered from a bout of evilness and ring-addiction, so to celebrate I am sending you a minstrel to recite poetry for you.
Cordially,
Denethor, Ki- Steward of Gondor
Dear Denethor,
We hates you. We hates you!
Smeagol (and Gollum)