I don't own LOTR, or the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.
To anyone wondering how the Vogon was getting from one place to another so quickly, this chapter will provide an explanation, of sorts.

This chapter takes a VERY weird turn. Weirder than Legolas' spoon obsession. Weirder than a Nazgul lawyer. Weirder than Pass-The-Vogon. You have been warned.

Dear Master of the Precious,
We catches you a minstrel and we sends it to you by FedEx. It is young, it is tender, it is fresh!
Smeagol

Dear Gollum,
I hate you. So does the rest of the fellowship.
Frodo

My dearest Arwen,
Oh freddled gruntbuggly
thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!
Love,
Aragorn

Dear Aragorn,
Sweetie, did you fall off a cliff again? Did you hit your head? And why did you send that repulsive Vogon back to Rivendell? Daddy is very angry, and Lindir has had another nervous breakdown. He had taken to wearing an eyepatch and pirate hat, and drinking copious amounts of rum.
Lots of love,
Arwen

Dearest Arwen,
I have not fallen off a cliff yet - it is most upsetting. My last letter was a love poem that I wrote for you with help from the Vogon.
We have reached Lothlorien, but Haldir is being really mean and not letting us in because apparently we bring great evil with us. I told him the Vogon wasn't with us anymore, but he still wouldn't budge. I'm currently arguing with him.
Lots and lots of love,
Aragorn

Dear Gloin,
In memory of old times (remember the dragon incident?) I am sending you this minstrel to recite some of his finest poems to you.
Cordially,
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

Dear Elrond,
I hate you.
Gloin

Dear Elrond,
We have just been allowed into Lothlorien. Your mother-in-law has very strict bouncers. I think Gimli has a crush on her.
You know that shampoo you sent me? Well, a weird thing happened to it. I lent it to Frodo, and I guess it must have been touching the One Ring in his pack or something, because writing has appeared on the label of the bottle that looks a lot like the writing on the Ring. It reads:
One hair product to rule them all
One hair product to find them
One hair product to bring them all
And in the darkness, bind them.
Do you have any idea what that means? Oh, and speaking of the One Ring, we kind of destroyed it. See, we put it over the fire, to compare the writing on the shampoo bottle to the writing on the Ring, but the Ring melted. Does this mean our quest is over?
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn

Dear Aragorn,
I believe that the evil spirit of Sauron may have transferred itself from the Ring to the shampoo bottle, in which case your quest not over - you must destroy the shampoo instead. It is a shame that you melted the ring, because without the dark influence of Sauron, it would have made a nice piece of jewellery.
Cordially,
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell