I don't own LOTR.
Dear Legolas,
Do NOT befriend Mariel! She is a Mary-Sue: a demon of the modern world. She will destroy the Fellowship from within and wreak havoc in this world, not to mention being generally annoying.
Your concerned father,
Thranduil
Dear Thranduil,
I am writing with regards to your blatant plagiarism of my clients' line, "A Balrog – a demon of the ancient world". My client is unable to press charges due to being dead, but I will personally make your life a living hell if you don't buy my latest album, "The joys of Sax."
See you in hell,
Martin the Nazgul
Dear Martin,
I will never buy your albums! Never! NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT!1!
Thranduil
Dear Ada,
How can you be so cruel? Mariel and I are in love. She is so beautiful – her urple eyes shine like moonlight, and her hair is like the tresses of a raven's wing. Her skin-
Thranduil-
Hello, it's Aragorn here. Forgive me, I have had to temporarily render your son unconscious while Boromir and I disposed of the Sue. It was remarkably easy – we simply threw her into the river, where she melted. Boromir seemed to take great pleasure in doing this. I'm not sure why.
Oh dear, Legolas is waking up. GTG.
Aragorn
Dear Aragorn,
Truly, all of middle earth is in your debt for taking out the Sue. It is quite all right that you knocked my son out – he clearly wasn't himself. As for Boromir, he has more cause than most to hate Sues.
Thranduil
Dear Elrond,
Yesterday we were ambushed by orcs. They killed Boromir and kidnapped Pippin and Merry, and Frodo and Sam have left to go to Mordor alone. They stole my shampoo. Gimli, Legolas and I are chasing the orcs to get Pippin and Merry back.
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn
Dear Ada,
Mortals are so silly about dying. Boromir got shot by Uruks, and suddenly all Aragorn can talk about is revenge. Frodo and Sam left for Mordor, taking with them our entire supply of shampoo, which seemed rather unnecessary.
Your loving son,
Legolas
Dear Legolas,
Remember your diplomacy lessons? The correct response to death is sadness, not condescension.
Your loving father,
Thranduil