I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.
Snarky Elrond seemed to be popular - I'll have to let him come back.
Elrond: Oh, you'll let me come back, will you? How kind of you. I can really think of nothing I would rather be doing than sending inane letters to random people in middle earth.
Dear Elrond,
Gandalf isn't dead. He just wanted to make a big entrance to show off his new clothes. Drama queen. He said he'd seen Pippin and Merry, and sent them off with a talking tree, or something. I am beginning to fear for his sanity. He led us out of Fangorn, summoned a horse that looked like something out of a Persil advert, and now he's taking us to Edoras.
Your loving adopted son,
Aragorn II Elessar
Dear Ada,
Thanks for that last letter; it gave me inspiration for a speech to scare Gimli with.
Gandalf turned up again. Apparently he wasn't dead, just having a nice chat with a Balrog or something. I wasn't really paying attention. What does seem unfair is that he got shiny new clothes, and hair straighteners.
He dragged us off to Edoras – still not sure why. The nasty men there took our weapons, and then were allowed in to see the King – who was frankly gross. Honestly, haven't these people heard of skin cream?
The king's advisor was a rather disturbing man who looked a bit like a crow. He made all the guards attack us when he saw that Gandalf still had his staff. Luckily, they didn't put up much of a fight, and Gandalf somehow made Theoden (the king) age backwards by about fifty years. It was all very strange. People are weird.
Your loving son,
Legolas
Dear Theoden,
Sorry to hear about the death of your son. In consolation, I am sending you a minstrel to recite poetry for you.
Gloin
Dear Gloin,
I hate you.
Theoden
P.S. What do you mean, my son is dead!?
Dear Legolas,
In all fairness, Gandalf is a Maiar, and therefore entitled to all the hair products he wants.
Do be careful in Edoras. I cannot stress this enough. If you die out there, so far from home, I really could not be bothered to go all the way out there to collect your body.
Your loving father,
Thranduil
Dear Ada,
Thanks a lot.
Legolas
Ah, Thranduil. Such a loving father…