The letter from the Vogon was inspired by animepercystyle.

Wow, this fic was published less than a month ago and it has 90 reviews. You guys are amazing! As a way of saying thank you, I am sending you all internet fudge. And minstrels to recite poetry in your honour…. *laughs evilly*

Dear Middle Earth,
I am writing this to protest my unjust treatment since arriving here. I have been shunned, stoned, attacked by guard spiders and generally insulted. My limbs have become cramped from being constantly stuffed into FedEx boxes. Why do you abuse me so? My poetry truly isn't that bad.
Are you prejudiced against me because of my appearance? This seems rather unfair when the peoples of this world are midgets, filthy, big-footed and girly, respectively. I am definitely giving middle earth one star in my review for the latest edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Oh yes, with such a low rating, intergalactic tourism will drop to virtually nothing. Then you'll be sorry! MWAHAHAHA! Only three more days till I get out of this box. Only three more days till I get out of this box. Only three more days till I get out of this box...
Sincerely,
The Vogon

Dear Vogon,
I know how you feel. I cannot get a single job as a saxophonist, simply because of my appearance.
Well, that and the fact that I'm an evil, twisted wraith who works for the Dark Lord.
Anyway, I have an idea. How about we form a travelling musician band? You can recite your poems, I can play the saxophone, and I know an orcs who is an excellent drummer. Perhaps you've heard his single, "drums in the Deep"?
Anyway, get to back to me ASAP so I can buy band t-shirts.
Martin the Nazgul

Dear Thranduil,
I am writing to discuss the new evil that is stalking the land. Not three days ago a most dreadful host invaded my land: three travelling musicians. One is the Vogon (Mandos take him!), another is a Nazgul saxophonist, and the third is an orc drummer. My sons managed to chase them away, but I fear they may head to Mirkwood so am warning you in advance. In addition, I feel it may be necessary to call a White Council to discuss this new devilry.
Oh wait, you're not in the White Council. My bad.
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Rivendell, one of the Wise

Dear Elrond,
Yeah, yeah, rub it in why don't you. Just because some of us have better things to do than sit about on balconies playing with jewellery.
The terrible trio did indeed come to Mirkwood, but they never left. My warriors captured them and are standing guard over them in the deepest of my dungeons.
I would just like to point out that my people, not yours, managed to capture and hold both Gollum and the musicians.
Thranduil, Sass-King of Moose and Party

BURN!