Chapter 2: A Candle Dipped in Blood brings about the Attack of the Spooky, Scary Skeletons.

Alucard was surrounded by his foes, blood, sweat and elf tears crawled down the smooth mountain ranges that were his face like spiders. They committed suicide by jumping off his blood red ruby lips.

He slowly pulled out four small crystals from his interior jacket pocket; they contained the damned souls of his fallen friends. He was saving this neat trick for the wedding but he guessed it would have to go now. He held them between his fingers, and like kissing the ring of a mafia don, his kissed each ball lightly. This was not necessary, his just like fiddling and kissing balls. Fondling balls was a stress reliever for him. Why, it helped him through the interplanetary wizard wars when he was granted the all mighty privilege to kiss the king's balls. What am I talking about again? Oh right, testibals.

He chanted a Latin sonnet:

"Si vous avez traduit cela, vous avez beaucoup trop de temps sur vos mains. Lire un livre approprié. Lisez Jean meurt à la fin par David Wong. C'est un bon livre, c'est drôle et effrayant et pratiquement une fic de la fissure elle-même. Lire qu'au lieu de cette merde!"

He threw the crystal balls into the night gravity-laden space-ocean, formerly known as ' sky'. His foes coward in fear as the balls evolved into a spectacle array of sounds and lights that made headless devil women made of lasers making godless love to dragons made of motorcycles built from the raggedy, leprosy laden hands of the enslaved Templar knights of the Black forest look totally gay! (A/N: After the events in the Black forest, the local commission decided to change its name to Respected African European Gentlemen Nature Reserve out of respect and preservation for the armoury manufactures).

Alucard's fallen friends rematerialized and gently fell to earth like a feather with a heavenly glaze.

"Wh-where are we?" said Private Joker

"Wh-where are we?" said Goku

"Wh-where are we?" said Naruto

"Wh-where are we?" said Detective McGarnagle

"Alucard, what happened to the Triangle Sphere monsters?" Said Detective McGarnagle

McGarnagle was an elderly looking man, reminiscent of a modern day Clint Eastwood, (or if he's available, Al Pacino.)

"You had died" said Alucard bluntly

"…Oh my god" McGarnagle's spoke with a voice one might see in a homeless man on a cold Tokyo night, "how?"

"You were bludgeoned"

"Oh man-"

"With Cactuses"

"Ohhh-"

"They shoved them up your butt"

"Oh Jesus!-"

"Then they married your wife. Turns out she's pregnant"

"Wh-what!"

"Turns out it was yours"

"Oh…my-"

"Now that your alive, you owe her $40,000 in child support"

McGarnagle fell to his knees and screamed in agony

"NOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD! :O!"

McGarnagle put a gun to his head. His face was smeared all over Private Joker. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Naruto. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Goku. He screamed and pulled out a gun and shot himself, his face smeared all over Alucard's chestplate.

The demons stared at Alucard and Alucard stared at his chestplate.

…Fuck.

Alucard pulled out three more crystal balls and threw them in the air. After the burst of light and weird non-sequitors, four people floated to the ground. They were; Snap from the Rice Bubbles commercials (or Rice Krispy's in America) Mr Potato head and Little Lulu.

"Alright gang! Let's show these suckers whose boss!"

"And tonight, we do it…WITH CRUCH!"