Chapter III: Sex and the Shmitty.

My girls, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York Goldenblatt, Miranda Hobbes and myself, none other than the Glitterati slash toast of New York City, Carrie Bradshaw, sat at a booth at the La mots français. I ran my manicured fingernails along the delicately designed mink silk table cloth automatically as I was fixed, entranced by Charlotte's tale.

"– And then Snap threw faux deer-horn-hats on the Satans, out of instinct, Sarah Palin shot them all."

It was quite a different turn from our usually saucy stories.

"So when did you fist-tagged Alucard's suckhole?" said Samantha, as a self-proclaimed, Try-sexual, she'd try anything once, and say anything once, either if it was sexually retarded.

"Sam, honey, you do realise that you just asked Charlotte when did she punch Alucard in the mouth, not something risqué as you may have thought?" Miranda asked

Samantha turned to her and glared "Now I become death, destroyer of worlds", and then clenched her before unclenching it and letting her whole jaw dislocate. In an instant, her mouth widened to the size of a watermelon.

"Here's the SUCKHOLE!" She screamed with her jaw flapping about yet not quite touching the upper lip. She suddenly sucked Miranda whole head into her mouth and bit onto the neck, decapitating our friend. Poor Miranda's blood sprayed out onto the three of us.

Everyone in the restaurant screamed and stampeded out, causing a major blockage in the entrance/exit, similar to a three stooges short.

What the hell is going on! I cried out in my mind as I leapt away from the booth and fell on the ground. Charlotte wasn't as luck. The Samantha demon smacked her in the throat, sending her off into a stone pillar and blowing up. I never saw her again. My theory: she was wiped from existence- A horrid fate indeed.

"Eh! Miss Carrie, catch!" said Erika, the waitress.

Erika passed me a Uzi, larger than standard.

"I'm sorry Sammy, I'm so, very, very sorry" I spoke quietly and glance at the deadly weapon, "But decapitating our friends is no good" I turn to the beautiful waitress a flick out a pointing hand and outstretching arm, I wink at her and she repeats before running away.

"Die Freakazoid!" I wind up the pulley on the Uzi and blasted a vertical shower of light and hot metal into the abomination. Samantha howled a chilling roar. She jumped on top of me , her Gucci dress in tatteres. Surprisingly, her Jimmy Choo heels were intact, those are some strong shoes! She rips her dress off, she was not wearing a bra. Her breasts had now been morphed into two grotesque looking humanoid beings, like the top halves of two hairless midgets.

"Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Uzzzzzz!" They moan

Sam sat on my arms; I'd have to shift the gun so I could shoot her without getting me first. She stalked her face closer to mine, then she pulled her unfathomable-sized mouth open and I saw nothing but darkness, and gory red flesh.

"JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIAAA AAAAAAAAAAA GUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIDAARRRRRRRRRRRD!" her massive mouth screeched into my face.

At this insane time, I smirked and muttered, "I always knew you had a big mouth"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Torrents of bullets shot through Sam's ass like Africanised wasps. Samantha pulled back. I squiggled out of her hold and kicked her into a table. I barrel rolled over to the gun and sent a final eviction-from-life notice to her. Sealed with a kiss.

I finally snapped back to reality. I wasn't fighting Samantha; I was fighting my enemies, all representing my fight with the abomination. They all were sprayed out dead over the remains of the church. Only the meat convulsing spew that is Dragula, remained. I am not Carrie rom Sex and the City, I am Alucard, who for some reason was wearing a Prada dress over my armour and professional make up…and a horse mask-OH YES I WENT THERE!

I pulled the mask off and looked into a cracked mirror, my face looked like it had been raped by hell, I still had the make up on under the mask, I looked Hypergay. I reminded made a reminder to kill myself later.