Track 6 Don't Say Goodbye
She sits in front of me; I'm watching her with fascination. Oddly enough, she doesn't seem to hold any old remorse towards me when her eyes hit me. I can hear Tk's voice in my head now, all of it is repeating in my head is one simple word. Chance. I have a chance. It's haunting. My mind goes crazy at the idea of a possibility.
As she, stares and neither of us say anything, you can feel this heavy atmosphere of awkwardness being to loom on us. I know how much she hates it. This situation, the awkward silence. It's probably killing her.
She looks at her high heels, the ever so fashionable shoes that she wears. "Um" she says quietly, I think she meant to be louder. "I have to go, Tai's probably looking for me" she moves toward the door a bit awkwardly, slowly and cautiously. You can hear even behind the closed door the paparazzi and their clicking weapon.
I stand up fast making my way towards her. "Yeah me too" I shake my head correcting myself, I feel like an idiot. Tai isn't waiting for me. "I mean Tai isn't looking for me but I have to go too," I tell her too quickly that it makes me look like a loser. I try to recompose myself to her non-looking eyes.
I hate being like this. Suddenly you could hear a voice, an angry voice. "Mimi?" "Mimi?" "MIMI?!" I hear Tai's voice yelling for her. She now has an excuse to leave quickly. "I'll go first you can go after" she doesn't even let me oppose it and just opens the door and walk out quickly before anything could be said.
Just like that, she is gone. She walked out of my life, again. Just like that through the stupid door. Damn those stupid doors.
I stand there watching the closed door. Just watching it hard. As if she will change her mind and come back just like I did before in the past. Hoping she would open the door walk through it and come back, but like before she doesn't. She didn't come back and she won't. Damn that taunting door and damn Tk for his stupid hope.
Dammit, I still cannot shake her off! I greet my teeth in frustration and ball up my fist. I hate feeling weak; I hate not being in control. I hate it all. I stand there and I count. Waiting. Giving her some sort of time to escape. Buying her time.
I wonder if Tai knew we were together, I wonder how mad he would get. I stick my ear close to the door to see if I can manage to hear anything. Nothing. Not even the paparazzi. I turn the cold knob and open the door to reveal a white empty hall.
How boring. I thought. How empty. How lonely. I have this urge to call someone. I go out and start to look for my bandmates. I search for them with unexpected urgency. It's rare for me to feel disorientated and somewhat panicky. I have a mental debate if I should call Tk and tell him what happen but I feel like he will just feed me more false hope, he will shove it down my throat.
I need a holiday. I sigh.
I hear footsteps from a far. They become louder and louder and I'm reminded of Mimi. I'm reminded of the scene just moment ago.
"Matt, dude!" someone says. I look up hazily. "Dude where have you been I swear you were behind us!" I nod. "yeah I was just…" I debate if should tell them, but I feel that it is best if I don't. They wouldn't understand, not even Tk. I grin to play it off.
"I was on the phone with Tk and telling him the good news" I look at them to reassure myself. "oh" they say in union. Guess they bought it. "Lets get out of here and go celebrate!" they all come around me. Souta pushes me from behind me. Haruto and Takumi both put their arms around me and drag me out. I'm certain they know Mimi is here by way they are acting and trying to get me to leave. I smile "yeah" I walk at their unusual speed, letting them push me, letting them drag me far away from here. God they are so obvious. I chuckle. "What?" ask Haruto. I shake my head. They are such good friends.
Maybe one day I wont have to run away and wont have to make it hard on them and Tk. Sorry guys. Sorry for being so weak. Really. I just can't say goodbye yet. Not yet.