Part Five: To Narnia
This one was hard to write and I am not sure if I ever got it. Please let me know what you think.
Lucy
Every morning I wake up, feel the warm sunshine on my face, smell the sweet blossoms outside my window and for a perfect split second I believe that it was all a bad dream and I am really lying in my bed in Cair Paravel and in a few moments the maid is going to come in and help me dress. But then I hear the sound of Mrs. Macready in the hall and I know that everything is not perfect, I remember that I am really back in boring old England. I remember that I am no longer Home.
I was standing by my window this morning when Susan came walking in, I know that it has been hard on her as well; she looks so forlorn standing there, a queen without her country.
"Do you think we will ever go back?" Her voice breaks the silence; it is a question that I have thought about long and hard ever since we stepped back into England.
"One day." Out of the corner of my eye I can see Susan jump slightly, as if she had not meant to speak out loud.
"What's that Lucy?" Susan asked absentmindedly. For a moment I wondered if she was okay but then I realized that chances were that she was just distracted by the same thing as every other member of this family.
"You just asked if I thought we were ever going back." I clarified.
"Oh." Susan paused for a moment, "I did not mean to say that out loud." Another pause. "But do you?" The question hung in the air for several agonizing seconds, I tried to pull my thoughts, and doubts, into one cohesive sentence but failed horridly.
"Yes." Was all I could manage.
"How can you still have faith after all that has happened?" I was shocked by her change in tone, she sounded so small, timid almost. And for that voice to come out of Queen Susan I knew that something was happening that she had not told me about.
"Susan," I began, uncertain how to phrase the question.
"Always the full of faith." Susan cut me off, "You are so lucky." I was taken aback. Certainly there had been moments when Susan's faith was not the strongest, but even in private she never allowed herself to get this low.
Edmund arrived before I could press further and said that Peter wanted to meet us out by the lake, though Ed said he did not know what was going on.
We walked in a companionable silence, Edmund, Susan and I. Normally I would be chattering away but my thoughts still drifted in a far away land. Would I ever be able to go back? I certainly hoped so, but really I did not know. Was Aslan angry with us? Had we done something wrong? I wondered how long my questions would go unanswered. Then I realized, I think that perhaps I knew all along, it just took me that long to accept the truth. I may never go back to Narnia, but it did not matter, not really. Aslan was far too powerful to be kept in one place or another; He must be here as well as there. Though I was no longer a queen I could still live for Him. And then if, one day, Aslan decided that I could return Home I would be ready for him. So it was walking toward the lake one day that I let go of Narnia, not the memories, for those I would hold dear for as long as I lived. No, I let go of the mindset that what happens in Narnia stays in Narnia. And in that minute I decided to live my life in England like I lived my life in Narnia, that way I would never have to say goodbye.
Edmund
I don't know how Peter does it. I mean honestly, just this morning he was trying to move the trunk to get the slipper that had been kicked under it. If I had not felt so sorry for him I probably would have laughed. I was so used to seeing Peter as a warrior, not a boy who started panting and sweating simply trying to move a measly trunk. That, of course, made my mind drift to Narnia, which then ruled out any other train of thought until I could think of nothing else but Home.
Home. I knew it had been on all our minds; essentially every waking thought was, in some way, related to the land we had ruled for so long. Lucy seemed to be handling it well, she always had faith, she probably still believed that we would go back one day. Susan seemed to be getting depressed, small surprise there, and Peter was handling in the stoic manner he accepted everything that came his way. And me? I really didn't know what I thought. There was a part of me, a major part, that knew I would never go back. Narnia had been too wonderful to last. But there was another part of me, small but loud and growing, a part that said yes, you will return. These two parts had been warring ever since we stepped back through the wardrobe.
"Edmund." Peter's voice broke through my thoughts, dragging me back to reality. "Will you go get the girls, The Macready wants us out." Once again I was struck by the change in my brother, before Narnia he would have embellished that with a roll of his blue eyes. "Let's all meet down by the lake." I nodded, if the Macready was cleaning than I wanted to be far away. Very far away.
I found the girls than we headed down to the lake to meet Peter. My mind quickly drifted back to Narnia and the near constant battle between hope and despair. Perhaps it could be argued that I was imagining things, perhaps that I wanted to hear Him too much. But I know what I heard. And that afternoon, while walking to the lake, I heard a Lion's roar in the wind and felt His peace in my heart, and I knew that one day I would go Home and never have to say goodbye.
Susan
I felt so lost. I tried to be brave for my siblings, goodness knows they were having just as hard a time of it as I was. I was having trouble adjusting to the lack of things to do. Less than one month ago I was so busy that I scarcely had time to breathe some days, and now I could do nothing but wonder about the house and get scolded for being in the way, another thing that made me want to inform the Macready that I would not stand such rudeness from the servants. But it was only my body that lacked things to do, my mind was ever filled with thoughts of Home. Narnia, I knew that I must start thinking of England as home, not Narnia. I was walking through the house wondering if we would ever go back Home, Narnia, I forced myself to remember, not Home.
"One day." I jumped, had Lucy been there the entire time? I realized that I must have spoken out loud. I must be going crazy talking to myself. To stop that train of thought I began again. "What's that Lucy?" I questioned, still trying to drag my mind back to the present.
"You just asked if I thought we were ever going back."
"Oh." I said, filling the silence as I scrambled to put into words what I had been wondering for so long. I decided that perhaps it was not best to bring up the subject, once on it Lucy would not talk about anything else for hours. "I did not mean to say that out loud." I clarified so that she would not think I was trying to broach the subject. Then my curiosity got the better of me.
"But do you?" I asked before I could stop myself. I took a deep breath for control than began to wonder if Lucy was losing faith as well, normally she would have remedially blurted out one word.
"Yes." There was the answer I was waiting for.
"How can you still have faith after all that has happened?" I could feel the doubt creeping into my soul as I asked this question, and at that moment I felt less like a Queen of Narnia than I had felt since our return.
"Susan," Lucy began but I could hear the pity in her voice and cut her off before she could continue.
"Always so full of faith. You are so lucky." The last part slipped out before I could stop myself and I immediately regretted saying it. But thankfully Edmund chose that moment to arrive and effectively stopped Lucy's questions before she could even begin.
We began walking toward the lake. We went to the lake so often because it looked so much like a place back Home, Narnia, I firmly reminded myself. "Yes."The surety in Lucy's answer gave me some hope, but I knew that it was not enough. If we were going back to Narnia than we would have heard something by now. I remembered something that Peter had told me once, "You've got to let go of it Susan, the tighter you hold on the more it hurts when it let go." Perhaps he had not said it in context of Narnia but it still applied. And that meant that the time to let go was that moment. I love you, I miss you, I will never forget you. Then I forced myself to think the words that, when I was living there I never would have dreamed of uttering: I have to let you go, Narnia. Goodbye.
Peter
Narnia, the word was on my thoughts every waking moment. I tried to be strong for my family, goodness knows they were going through just as much as I was, but I still battled in my mind. One part of me hoping that maybe this was just a dream, that I would wake up in the morning back Home, where I belonged. Another part of me, a larger part of me knew that this was reality, that no matter how much I wished I was never going back, that I was trapped away from my Home forever. But there was another part, an even greater part, that knew that this was not forever, one day I would go Home, I would stand in Cair and look out over the sea, and that time I would not leave.
I wondered through the halls of the Professor's mansion and wished that it was my own castle.
"Mr. Pevensie!" Ms. Macready's voice broke through my ponderings. "Would you please gather up your family and make sure that they stay in their rooms. There are guest coming this evening to visit the Professor and I want this place spotless, and I don't need you children in my way." Inside I bristled inside at being called a child but kept my face calm.
"Yes ma'am." I said as politely as I could. "We will probably go for a walk."
Ms. Macready nodded, "just don't track mud in the house."
"Yes ma'am." I said again then went in search of my siblings.
I found my brother sitting in our bedroom.
"Edmund," I began, but then I realized that he was not paying attention to me. "Edmund." I said again, louder. He glanced up at me so I continued, "Will you go get the girls, The Macready wants us out." I was tempted to roll my eyes, but I was not about to act that immature. "Let's all meet down by the lake." Edmund nodded, I knew he hated being ordered about by the staff. Not that we had ever thought of them as just "the staff" back Home, but they would never order us around there.
Edmund headed out the door and after a moment I followed, wondering in the direction of the back door. I loved to go to the lake, it reminded me so much of Home.
As I walked, I allowed my mind to drift back Home. Susan was under the belief that this was Home now and it was time to let go. She never out right said it, but I knew her well enough to tell. Edmund had changed so much in Narnia that he would never be able to forget, would never let himself go back to the way it was before. Lucy… Lucy was being Lucy. Ever hopeful, ever faithful, ever true. Because I was the oldest Lucy was supposed to follow my example, but now I knew that the opposite would be the proper course of action in this instance. I could never give up like Susan, it was in my nature to fight to the last breath. I had not changed as much as Edmund, but what had changed I pledged to hold on to. And though I could never have the faith of Lucy, I could hold on to Aslan's promise. And that afternoon, as I walked down the path to the lake I swore to Narnia and to Aslan that I would never forget, that I would always hold on, and that I would continue to live my life worthy of Him and Home.
If there was one thing I could not say to Narnia, it was goodbye.
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Thanks, Jackie