Breathe. Slowly allow air into your lungs that don't crave it. Breathe because you want to, not because you need to. Pretend to be alive for one more second.
Now, release the unwanted oxygen and open your eyes. You're nobody again. Welcome back.
I grit my rotting teeth together and open my eyes as commanded. Julie is staring at me. I shrug slowly. She raises an eyebrow and cocks her head like a confused K9. I don't move, I don't blink in fear it'll set off some alarm.
"What've you got there? On your hands." She asks, crossing her arms over her chest as she bends down to my level.
I hide them behind me. I don't want her knowing what I've done. That I'm practically getting high off a deceased man's greatest hits. How was that a good memory? He was attacked. His friends died. He-
-red sweatshirt. His dark hair needs a cut, but he seems to not be bothered. Can the dead be bothered by something so trivial as uneven ends? He staggers forward, concentration hardly wanted. "Get back!" The tanned man yells. I stumble into action, lifting my gun to awkwardly point it forward. I'm not prepared for this.
But they proceed. I am faced with the observant zombie. His greyed eyes bore into me, amusement lingering behind the muted color. His lips begin to move in shapes. "You… Trying to say something?" I whisper and the tanned man curses at me.
"Shoot it!"
My gun doesn't lift. I continue to stare in awe at this new creature as he lifts a hand towards me.
"I'm…. Sore." The zombie stutters. I stumble backwards in amazement. Or fear. My back smacks against a small figure. I hear another curse.
This single member of the Dead has labeled me his. No others attack; they go after the free meat at my sides. That's all we are, meat suits.
"I'm…. Sore." He repeats and I grimace at his determination. I can see the struggle as his eyebrows scrunch together.
"Whoa. Did he just speak?" A girl's voice says from behind me. I risk a glance from the corner of my bloodshot eyes. Nora Greene is observing the dead man before me. She laughs and takes a quick step towards it. She approaches the zombie, her pistol hanging loosely from her right hand. "Speak again." She demands, lifting her gun to poke his forehead.
The zombie looks up at the gun curiously. He grabs Nora's wrist with such speed I briefly think he's alive. The tanned man yells an order, racing towards us as the zombie lunges. I retreat, ducking into the safe shadows of our border. I don't want to be seen. I want to disappear into the cement and metal wall. I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm weak.
By the time I reopen my burning eyes, the zombie is lying unconscious on the ground. I wonder why the tanned soldier didn't kill it, but I immediately realize he had gotten distracted straight after.
"Nora! You gotta get back inside! Now!" The tanned man insists.
Nora sighs, shrugging as she turns to saunter back into our fortress. "I could'a taken him, Perry."
What did I just see? Perry? Perry! Answer me!
Chill. I'm here. That was a memory. Of that guy you killed. Remember? You ate his brains. Nasty stuff. Perry sounds calm and I can detect laughter in his voice. He's amused.
I didn't want to see that. I was there. Memories are supposed to be good! Why think of something like that when you're dying? You're supposed to think of something good and happy to make it important! To make it real! I rant, my voice panicked as I struggle to bring myself out of the memory of a dead man.
Perry chuckles. Come on, corpse. Think about it. Life is just as important as death. It's what you are. It's the circle of life, I guess. You start somewhere and you end somewhere. No going back, no coming back… Unless you're… You.
I don't reply.
See? You even know you're wrong. You don't belong because no one gets to live another day when they're dead. They cease to exist.
I stay silent, I drag myself away from Perry and I open my eyes. Julie is staring at me with shock etched across her face. I stare back, confusion scribbled across mine. "What?" I finally ask as her stare begins to grow uncomfortable.
"You have… Brain gunk on your hands, don't you?" Julie crawls over, jerking my hands away from their safe habitat behind my back. She grabs a cloth and scrubs them clean. "You're an idiot." She mutters under her breath once she finishes. I shrug and she cracks a toothy smile. "You okay?"
I shrug.
"Stop that."
I shrug again and she sighs.
"Come on, cheese-ball. I know you can speak."
"I'm… Sore." I say like the memory had. Julie raises an eyebrow.
"What?"
"I'm… Sorry." There. The word is out. I've gathered the strength to capture the extra syllables.
Julie plops down on her butt and grins. "You're forgiven."
And that's all I need. I watch her as the letters form. I collect the words as they spill from her lips. I delicately handle each one as I engrave them into my brain. Is this bad? Wanting to remember this? Her? Wanting to breathe in her life and hope I somehow gather a magical dust within me that'll cure my darkened soul? I turn my attention back to Julie. I watch the emotions flicker across her face like a picture reel.
"Thank…" I begin, digging through files upon files of forgotten words stored in a dusty dictionary in my head. It serves no purpose; the words are too majestic and complicated. I can't finish. I can't say 'you', because by the time it has made it through my dead brain, the word has dwindled down into an unsatisfied, meaningless groan.
Julie nods, understanding my inner conflict. "Got it." She smiles and I feel my lips quiver. Am I smiling? They nudge upwards and Julie's smile widens. "Well, would you look at that? He smiles." She jokes, getting to her feet to go back to the sink. She gets a new towel I didn't realize she had. "Can I tell you something?" She asks as she stops her actions, turning her head to look at me.
I stand up and wander to her side. "Yes."
"Good." She replies, ringing the towel several more times before glancing back at me. "I…" She's nervous. She's scared. I blink, willing a true memory from the depths of my own Hell.
I can see her in my head, her body pressed against a window of an airplane. She's holding no weapons. She's crying.
"Julie." I say, her name slipping through my lips like butter. She forces a smile and nods.
"I love you, R." Julie grumbles, then curses under her breath and roughly shakes her head. "And you're…" She can't finish. Her body shakes with uncontainable tears. She leans against the sink and lifts her head. "You know you were in that cage for six days? Six days you were unconscious."
I want to shrug, but I resist it and sigh. "Sleep?" I offer and she laughs.
"Maybe, but it scared me, R." Julie shifts and moves closer to me. She places a hand on my neck and shuts her eyes. "You're warmer." Her eyes open and she grins, her lips stretching gleefully across her straight teeth. "R… If I kiss you, will I die?"
It's a familiar question. Yet it isn't one to be asked very often. I consider shrugging, but realize it will most likely ruin the moment. If this is in fact a moment. But I don't know. Julie could go on living and not be affected by the dead in me, or she could blink and have no soul.
"I… Don't know." I say and risk the shrug. My shoulders hang for less than a second then fall back down. Julie does not acknowledge it.
"Okay. Guess we'll just have to see then, huh?" She leans towards me, her arms curling around my neck. I wonder if it will snap under her pressure, but she does not pull my head down forcefully. Her lips connect to mine and I melt into it.
Am I kissing?
Something crawls up my throat. I'm drowning in Death. The rejected bile and dry, malignant blood slithers up, wanting to take Julie into its grasp. I push it down. I force the death in me away.
And I feel it again. I feel like I'm falling. My crippled soul evolves into something bright and luminous. I become something new. I am not drowning in the darkened waters of a forgotten river. I am floating on my back to the distant shore. I am plunging into the depths of Julie's mind, ransacking every memory and labeling it my own. She is my life line. I live through her.
She pulls away and I am dead again. I am covered in a black film hiding my bursting, florescent thoughts. My mind is locked with a code I can't imagine to decipher. It burrows itself deeper into the back of my head until I can't even feel its presence.
A hard weight drops onto my shoulders and they slump. Julie glares at me with nothing even resembling anger. Its fear. Fear of the unknown and the uncontainable. "R?" She asks softly and I nod my head to show her I'm listening. "What's wrong?"
I shake my head. I've yet to discover a way to allow access into my head. Can Julie ever understand? Does she understand? I hear her grumble under her breath. "Julie?" I ask, glancing at her curiously. She pushes her hair into a pony tail and looks at me.
"What?"
I don't have a response. I don't have the exact words my mind desires. So I shrug and she smiles. And that's okay, because I know she understands. Whether with words or not, Julie has gained access to my inner most thoughts and my soul, be it deprived of a real life. I offer a crooked smile and Julie laughs. I like her laugh.
The door bursts open a bald man trudges through. "That… Mess is… Yours." He snaps, turning to glare at me. "So… Grow… Up… And clean… It!"
Julie's friend creeps into the room behind the man and sighs. "M's moody. Ignore him. I cleaned it up."
I feel a pinch. A shock so small I fear I imagined it. It twists my heart and I wheeze. All eyes are on me. What can I do? Stare back? Can I explain to them this abnormal pain tightening around my heart? I bow my head and stare at my chest. "Pain." I say simply. I don't care if they understand or not.
I shove past them and race onto the road. I follow it out of this sanctuary. I hear footsteps racing after me with such speed I am forced to pick up mine. "R!" Julie's voice rings into my ears and my body spasms. I have used too much energy that I didn't think I contained. I collapse, my limbs flailing until they are pinned down by M.
Julie's face hovers above me and I blink the dust out of my eyes. "Pain." I repeat and hope it's enough.