Toby said that he would pick me up and then take me to school this morning, so I was waiting with my backpack on the stairs of my house. My stomach growled relentlessly, but it was a comforting kind of hunger. Like it should be like that. I had decreased the amount of my dinner that I was eating, which made it a little harder to go running after wards, I just knew it had to be done. The feeling right after I got up the stairs into the safety of my room, panting and exhausted and out of energy was worth it. I felt like it was right, like I was finally doing something right. Not realizing where my thoughts were taking me, I realized Toby had pulled up in front of my house.

"Hey, common Spence let's go to breakfast!" He honked his horn at me and grinned out the car window. His happiness is always reassuring. I skipped down the sidewalk and hopped into his pick up truck. As soon as I had shut the door I smiled back at him, and he leaned over and kissed me. I wish it had lasted longer than it had, sending sparks all the way to the tips of my fingers. He pulled back into his seat and just looked at me for a moment, first lovingly, then something else.

"You look different...smaller. Did you lose weight?" His adoration turned into...I don't quite know. Concern?

"Yeah I did."

"Oh. Well, you know you don't need to." He was trying to be nice, I could tell.

"Whatever. Don't worry about it."

I looked back over at him. He looked like there was something else that he wanted to say. Some other thought trying to make it from his mind to my ears. Probably how I should keep losing weight. How I looked fat in the little dress I was wearing, and how the lace sweater I had added to cover up my arms wasn't helping. But he just left it and we began to drive. He told me about his new construction projects and made small talk about things going on at school. I was having a hard time paying attention, my mind was wandering because I was so tired, and didn't have a lot of energy. We talked about my friends and his friends and finally arrived at the cafe. He unbuckled and asked me what I wanted. I had been staring out the window and didn't realize what he was asking.

"Spencer? What do you want me to order?"

"Oh! Just a glass of water."

He was about to get out, but he got back in and shut the car door. Like I was in trouble, or had done something wrong.

"You can't have a glass of water for breakfast Spencer. You need something that will give you energy. Seriously what do you want?"

I stared at him for a minute, not believing what he was trying to say. Does he WANT me to get fat?

"You have to eat something. I'm not going to not get you anything Spence."

"You can't control everything I eat Toby. Just trust me!"

He sat there, I didn't know whether or not he was going to consider it. I looked out the window again, as if just outside there were all of the answers and things to say written on the sidewalk.

"I had a bowl of cereal this morning already. I just woke up and was really hungry." Only partly true.

He looked back at me, his face had disappointment and a little frustration hidden in it He finally gave in, and went in to get himself his coffee and a croissant. I waited in the car. I felt awful. I never wanted to lie to Toby, and he probably already knew that what I said wasn't the truth. I certainly didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want him thinking that there were things I was keeping from him, even though I was. Not even ten minuets later he walked back to the truck, still a little upset with me. I didn't know what else to say. And was out of time to think after I heard the door open and then slam.

"Just tell me whats going on Spencer. You're tired all the time and you look pale. You haven't been yourself lately. Did something else happen with your family?"

"No Toby, I can't really talk about it, but I promise it'll be fine."

"I want us to be able to talk about anything though."

"We can."

That was a pretty bad answer. I wish he knew how much I wanted to tell him, and why I couldn't. It was like there were voices in my head, telling me that I couldn't. The same voices that told me what I could and couldn't eat and how many jumping jacks and sit ups I should do before bed. The voice sounded like Allison.

I wish I could explain to him that soon I would be good enough for him, and how much it was hurting me, but I just didn't have the words. Even though I was practically a walking dictionary, I couldn't find anything of the right definition.

He started the truck and began to drive towards school, and the whole time in the car there was this silence of him waiting for me to tell him, and my not finding the words. When we finally pulled up in front of the school, he didn't give me a kiss goodbye. I just jumped out with my backpack and looked back at him regretfully as he parked.

We were sitting at our lunch table at lunch, discussing weekend plans, Aria's latest date with Ezra and something else I didn't listen to. I now only packed myself my sandwich and either celery or an apple. I had finished the apple and kept thinking back towards that sandwich, but just couldn't bring myself to eat it. Even as my stomach growled I just thought I don't need that, I'm fine without it. As soon as Aria finished her story we were all still smiling at the sweet image of them together. That's when she came down from cloud nine and noticed I wasn't chewing like everyone else was.

"Spencer, did you eat already? That was fast."

"Yeah I did! I just wasn't that hungry."

Emily's expression matched Aria's and she added. "You must not have been because the only thing you ate was that apple. You MUST still be hungry. Are you feeling okay?" Aria nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you've been acting really tired lately and you just seem so un-energetic."

"Yeah guys! Honestly I'm fine, don't worry about it. I had a huge breakfast."

Hanna looked over at me with a suspicious glare. "No you didn't. Toby called me and told me what happened this morning because he wanted me to talk to you and find out whats going on." I gave her a look asking her why she was saying that, but before I could defend myself she grabbed my lunch bag and opened it. I tried to grab it back from her, but it was already tight in her grasp. I squirmed a little in my seat, trying to hide any of my nervousness.

"What happened with Toby, Hanna?" Emily still needed to be caught up, of course Hanna spilled, much to my discontent. "He said she refuses to eat anything for breakfast and that she doesn't tell him anything. And that shes all health junkee now calculating nutrition facts all the time. Not even coffee, which is like her crack!" "And you exercise like a whole bunch now too." Aria added. "I see you jogging all the time."

I tired to protest. "Hanna! That's not true! I had cereal before we went for coffee this morning, and it is FINE if I pay attention to nutrition. And if I want to go jogging" I looked pointedly at Aria, "that is fine, it is healthy to get exercise." Hanna looked doubtful. "But not if you pay so much attention it becomes obsessive. I haven't seen you eat a lot lately either. You barely touch your lunch and you've lost a lot of weight." Before I could get another protest out she shoved the sandwich into my hands. "Since this is the only other thing you packed, eat it."

I looked back at her in disbelief.

"Are you TESTING me?"

"Eat it Spencer. No big deal."

I looked at the sandwich, and then up at Aria and Emily, both staring back at me, waiting for me to wolf it down like some pig. My stomach growled again, wanting me to just take one bite, but that voice in my head told me that if I did, I would gain weight. That I can't give in. Allison's voice. But I picked up the sandwich and took a bite. Half of me was relieved and half of me was angry. So angry and disappointed and fearful of the consequences. I looked back to Hanna.

"Happy?" I said sharply. The food hit the bottom of my empty stomach and my heart went to my throat.

"No, that's called a nibble. Eat the whole thing." She gave me her determined look, which meant that she wasn't leaving until I finished it, and that she was going to watch me chew every bite. I wanted to hit her or run away, but I knew if I did that I would just be digging myself a bigger whole. I picked the dreaded thing back up and took another bite, but this one was awful. I could feel all the fear and anxiety bottling up inside of me. My eyes started tearing up, so I just closed them, willing myself not to cry. I was NOT going to be weak, but I couldn't do this to myself and ruin all of my hard work. I couldn't even hide it well, like I usually do. I gazed at Hanna with anger, and the look back told me it wasn't any easier for her. Aria and Emily noticed it too. Aria grabbed my hand and our eyes locked. I could tell she probably saw everything running through my mind. "Spencer, WHAT is wrong?" Emily scooted closer to us. "Just tell us!" I wanted to shrivel up and disappear. I shook my head violently and grabbed the sandwich, getting up. Hanna tugged my arm, protesting against me, but I pulled just hard enough to break free, run over to the trash can and throw the sandwich in.

Safe.

But then I realized what I had done.

I turned back looking at their shocked faces and then I ran over to the water fountain. I drank as much as I could without having to take a breath and then ran into the girl's bathroom. I checked to make sure no one else was in there and then locked myself in a stall. I felt a moment of pain when I shoved my fingers into the back of my throat and then everything came back up. I did it once more for good measure, but there really wasn't anything left. I gave myself a moment to compose myself and clean up my face. Then I flushed, took a look in the mirror at the horrendous girl looking back at me and went back into the cafeteria.

Just outside the door of the bathroom was Hanna. She started to apologize, and she looked really worried, but I was finished. I just turned and ran away, not caring how many times she called my name.

When I finally got home I was exhausted, and I knew I would have to do extra jumping jacks tonight too, to make up for my stupidity earlier today. I ran up to my room and locked the door. I went into my bathroom and weighed myself. I had lost sixteen pounds since I started. Same as it was yesterday though, which isn't good enough. I unbuttoned my sweater and pulled up my blouse. I could see four ribs, clearly defined and noticed my hip bones were sticking out more My stomach was flat, and my abdomen looked kind of hollow. This wasn't good enough. I wanted to lose twenty pounds by Monday. I put my blouse back down in disgust.

Later that evening I was just finishing some extra credit when my mother yelled "Spencer, Aria wants to know if she can come up and see you." Damn. I looked for a good excuse that didn't sound rude, but didn't find one quick enough. "I'm just gonna send her up!" Seriously?

Within moments Aria appeared at my door, she knocked, and then peeked in. "Can I come in?" I wondered why she still wanted permission when my mother had clearly already granted it, but I just nodded my head.

"How are you?" She asked quietly, while sitting down on my bed next to me.

"Fine."

"No, seriously."

"I said, I was fine."

"But you obviously aren't! You lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time."

I was staring at the floor, acting like I wasn't freaking out inside. What could I tell her? What believable lies could I conjure up?

"We're worried. Your not you anymore. Spence, a normal person can eat an entire sandwich. And furthermore, the Spencer I know wouldn't have done that to Toby."

"Aria, I just haven't been feeling well lately. I can't eat a lot because then I throw up. It's a stomach bug. I didn't tell you guys because I thought you would tell someone and then I would have to go home and get behind in school. I HATE staying home, and you know I can't take a day off." That sounded pretty good, I just wondered if she would buy it.

"Sick? For almost two weeks? It must be pretty bad, are you sure-"

I interrupted her. "Yes, and I've actually been feeling better lately. Honestly, don't worry!"

She gave me a curious look, but gave up.

"Sometimes you don't tell us everything." She paused, still considering. "But I guess I trust you."

I forced a smile for her.

"Everything is FINE."

She pulled me off of my bed and hugged me tight. Then as she was walking out, she turned back to me and said. "Just, don't lose anymore weight? Okay?"

"I know, I know."

She smiled and left. As soon as the door shut I stared at my textbooks. I needed to get some work done, but I was still swimming with guilt. But of course, the voice in my head appeared just in time. Just a few more pounds Spencer. Soon you won't be ugly anymore. No one could love you the way you are you know. I slouched down on my bed, knowing that the voice was right. My thighs were too big, my butt was too big. I was almost surprised I wasn't hungry. After a while though, you stop being hungry, and you just start feeling empty. Hollow.

And I adored it.

Author's Note: Hey guys! I worked hard on this chapter, I'm pretty happy with it. If you guys have any tips or hints, I'd would be appreciative. Thanks for the reviews though, because they have been helpful and encouraging! I know this kind of topic can be kind of tough, from personal experiences and from what I hear. Tell me if you think something about the way I'm writing it should be tweaked. THANKS! :)