Melissa noticed that I was getting thinner. She commented on it when I came home yesterday. I hope she's jealous. I'm sure Melissa could never have this sort of self-control. She would give in so much easier, so much quicker. It's like a talent. Like how Emily is good at swimming and Aria is good at art. I'm naturally good at losing weight. All I have to do is forget to eat.
I woke up this morning with the never ending hunger in my stomach, complaining. I ignored it, which has become normal and easy. I stretched my legs and then sat up and stood up off of my bed. That's when it came over me. I stumbled a little and leaned over to grab the table next to my bed. I pushed myself back onto my bed and closed my eyes. It was like I had lost all of my sense of balance. It was weird, it had never happened to me before. I just took a minute to focus on something, and then I slowly got dressed and ready for school.
It was a Tuesday. I had a french paper due, and Science and Math midterms started today. I was getting everything for first period from my locker. I grabbed my paper and french binder and decided to go to the library and see if there was any last minute changes to make to the paper. On the way there I saw Toby in the hallway and stopped. I wasn't sure if he was still upset or not. He looked up and saw me and walked up to me.
"So, hey."
"Hey."
"Where are you going?"
"Library. Just some final revisions to a french paper. Will you help me?"
He considered it for a moment, debating then smiled. It was the most reassuring thing we could have done.
"Sure, I'm sure it's already perfect though. It's the work of Spencer Hastings."
He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead.
"You know, your such a perfectionist Spencer. But don't expect yourself to be perfect."
"I know I'm not. I mean obviously, look at me. But a lot of people can come really close to it."
Toby's smile was erased.
"What do you mean 'look at me'? You ARE perfect Spencer. You don't need to change."
"There's nothing wrong with trying to make yourself better Toby. Don't worry."
He didn't seem convinced though. He just shut me up with a kiss. I missed kissing him. I transferred my french supplies to my outside arm so I could put my other arm around his neck. He continued the kiss and I felt his arm go from my shoulder down to my waist. That's when I pulled away from him and grabbed his arm. I instantly wished I hadn't. It had been so sweet. The look on his face was hurt, and a hint of frustration that I had seen before. I gripped his hand in mine though, and took his chin and was instantly apologetic.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Let's just go to the library."
His expression didn't change, but he nodded and led me just down the hall.
When we got to the library he led me over to the table in the corner and I gave him my paper.
I sat for a moment across from him, just looking at his face, how amazing he was. Then I decided while he was reading, that I might want to make improvements on my vocabulary in the paper, and got up to get a french dictionary. That's when the second wave of dizziness hit me. I got to my feet and wobbled and grabbed the chair.
Unfortunately he noticed. "Spencer, are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah." I tried to focus on something but I just couldn't. My eyes were trying to see from the insides or something and it almost ached. I suddenly had this urge to lie down and my legs gave out from under me and I blacked out before my hands could catch me. I didn't even have time to think about how scared I was.
The last thing I saw was her falling to the ground. I leapt out of the library chair and ran to her side, kneeling over her. I never should have let it go this far.
"Spencer are you okay? Can you hear me?!" She lay motionless on the floor. It looked like she was sleeping, which I could only dream of being true in this case.
"SPENCER?" No answer. I picked up her still body, cradling her in my arms and dashed as fast as I could to the nurse's office, not caring about her books and assignments left on the round table. I looked down at her limp body in my arms. She was so beautiful. And it definitely shouldn't have been this easy to carry her. I looked at her bony arms and small thighs. Everyone loves you Spencer, so why can't you? Just a little?
I woke up in the nurse's office. The nurse's office. That was my first panic sign. I quickly sat up and looked around. I peeked behind the curtain that they had around me and saw Toby sitting in a chair around the corner with his head in his hands. I also heard nurse Harvey telling him to wait outside for me. I would have to face him, again. Guilt filled me, guilt and a does of fear. I laid back down and attempted to organize my thoughts and get some more oxygen into my body, I realized I was short of breath and still felt kind of drained, but I had to act like I was fine. This time I created in my head a family history of random blood pressure problems. It MUST have been something with my blood pressure, I smiled at myself. Even I believed this story. "Oh, you didn't know my family had a history of blood pressure issues nurse Harvey? That's odd."
"You go home and take a long nap, and eat a big meal. Okay honey? And if this happens again, you should, at the very least come straight to me." "Of course Ms. Harvey." I showed off the fake smile I had perfected, and briefly braced myself for Toby.
I stepped outside the door and he jumped out of his seat and rushed over to me. "How are you? What's wrong?"
"I don't really know. I figured that I just passed out, and now I'm really tired, and my head hurts."
"Let me take you home, I'll come back and get your car for you later. The school day is almost over anyways."
"I was OUT for THAT long?"
He gave me a look telling me that was the least of my worries and lead me to his pick up, we hopped in. I didn't know where to start, and I guess he didn't either because it stayed awkwardly silent during the short ride to our street. When he pulled up in front of my house he asked if it was alright if he came in with me, to make sure I got settled. He knew he was welcome anytime, but I granted his permission anyways.
I unlocked the door and trudged into my house, with Toby behind me. I wanted to lie down, so we went up to my bedroom. I immediately plopped down onto the mattress and closed my eyes. He eventually came to my side, and rolled over so that he was next to me on the mattress. It was still awkward. Each of us trying to begin, to find a reasonable starting point. I guess he finally decided on one.
"I can't trust you anymore. I just can't. I will not stand by and watch you harm yourself Spencer. I can only imagine what this would have been like if this had gotten worse, or if I hadn't-"
"Toby," I interrupted. "It's not like I'm committing suicide, I'm dieting! You are not in a situation of euthanasia. There is a HUGE difference. I probably just didn't drink enough water or whatever. I'm fine!"
"NO Spencer, you are so far from fine. Why do you even need to diet? You are gorgeous and thin and smart, and I have no idea why you want to change yourself!"
I sat up to face him.
"Because Toby! How could my family even look at me when they have Melissa? She is better at EVERYTHING! This is actually something that I can be good at!"
"Spencer you don't know what is going on, but you have to stop this! You can't lose anymore weight, and you have to eat more than you are!"
"Please, why are you saying that? I eat more than enough!" He paused.
"You eat more than enough? Are you sure about that Spencer?" These words darted out of his mouth like accusations, in disbelief.
"So you would have no problem if I went downstairs right now and made you a sandwich, and watched you eat it. Crust and all?" I paused, considering the chances of being able to throw it up afterward. If I drank enough water it wasn't unlikely. He saw through this thought process though.
"Eat the entire meal and not exercise afterward, or make yourself sick." Another pause, followed by a sickening moment. All of the fear bottled up inside of me was a bit too full. My breathing was shaky, and tears filled my eyes. "Don't ask me to." "Why?" I couldn't answer him.
"Spencer. There is something wrong with you. There is something terribly-" I cut him off with a kiss. I wanted him to just stop talking. I needed the comfort, I needed him. And he fulfilled exactly that. Only he kissed me because of worry and frustration. I could feel it. This release of energy was the only thing that kept me from crying. Our passion saved a little bit of the moment, and it kept me from hearing any words I didn't want to hear. He pulled away though.
"I can't stand by and watch you hurt yourself, you have to get help."
"Toby there is nothing wrong with me!"
"Either I tell your parents, or you do."
I stared at him for a moment. I hated him. Every bone in his body, for that second. Who did he think he was, that he could just control me like some puppeteer?
"I can't believe you."
"I'm only doing this to help you Spence." He took my hair in his hands, and while he was combing his fingers through it, he realized how much of it was still on his hand when he pulled away, how much thinner my hair looked now. I thought back to how much of it had been coming out, mostly when I brushed my hair, but also when I took showers. I could see the hurt in his eyes.
"Toby, I'll eat more. I promise." Will you Spencer? Or are you just making promises you can't keep. Will you really make yourself fat again? You CAN'T gain weight. Her voice was convincing, forceful. But I gazed into his eyes, wanting to mean it, wanting to be so truthful, and I guess he believed me.
"Good. Because I love you so much. And I don't want you to change. You are absolutely perfect, and in my book, nobody can compete with that."
His words filled me up. I pulled him to me, still laying on my bed. This kiss was certain. I never wanted to do anything to hurt him ever again. I could feel his hands go from my thinning hair, to my back, and I draped my arms around his neck. I wished this moment would never end.
We had to send him home before my parents or Melissa got home. But we had a better time together that we had had in a while. He grabbed his keys off of my nightstand, and kissed my forehead one last time. "I love you too." I reminded him. He smiled before closing the door to my room, and after a minute, I heard my front door close. He looked relaxed. I hope he stays that way. I hope I don't hurt him anymore. Deep down, I knew that I couldn't gain any weight. I lay there on my bed, crying into my pillow, because I knew I couldn't stop. Part of me was scared. The other part of me knew it was for the better.
The other part of me was thrilled.
Author's Note: Sorry this is taking a while, I have so much I have to do before school starts, especially this week. And even though a lot of this is pre-written, I ended up wanting to change a lot of it. I'll try to keep it up, maybe a weekly update thing. :) THANKS! Reviews are much appreciated!