I don't remember what time I got home last night. I just remember Melissa trying to be mad at me, me not having it, and my parents barely even noticing I was gone. I was sitting on my bed, studying for an test in AP Environmental Science. Looking at the words but not actually registering them. My mind was all over the place. I had eaten a package of goldfish and a glass of milk this morning... I should have been just fine. Where was my focus?
Fifteen minutes later I heard a creak and footsteps. Toby appeared at the doorway.
"Hey, I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this?"
"Please, you're welcome any time! Com'ere."
He walked over to me and lounged on my bed with me, greeting me with a little peck on the lips.
"Whatcha reading?"
"Studying for the APES test. Kill me now."
"Well maybe I can make your study time a little more enjoyable."
He pushed me to lie down on the pillows and kissed me. Oh God I missed him. He looked into my eyes and smiled, and then my smile mirrored his.
"Spencer, can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything."
"How did the whole telling your parents thing go?"
I paused, opening my mouth thinking that I would have an immediate answer, and then closed it again, realizing I didn't. I stuttered for an answer.
"I-well, I-You know, it was fine." I said, nodding to it, trying to make it sound convincing.
"Really? So if I stay until your parents get home, and ask them about it, they'll tell me all about their plans to help you?" He said it hopefully, but also trying to get a piece of truth out of me.
"Yup." I hoped he was bluffing.
"Really? Because you haven't stopped losing weight. When exactly does your family plan on putting this plan into action. How long do they plan on waiting? How-"
"Toby. Just stop." I said this so that I wouldn't have to hear more, but also to try to keep him calm. And to calm myself.
"They ARE helping me. Okay?"
"Then why are you still tired all the time?"
I laid there, still, thinking of some sort of answer.
"Why can't you focus? Why are you pale? Why can't you sleep?"
I stared at him, willing him to stop. He didn't.
"I don't want to watch the pounds fall off of you. I don't want to feel your ribcage through your sweater anymore when I hug you in the hallway!" His voice had grown and he was standing over me now. I stood up with him, grabbing his hand and telling him that he didn't have to yell.
"Spencer, I am going to do something to help you. If you can't, I will."
"Listen!" My voice had raised now too, not that it mattered, no one was home.
"Everything if fine! I am fine, my eating is fine, and the only thing that is NOT fine is you trying to control it."
"How can I stop worrying? I will only stop worrying when you begin to eat and act like the Spencer we know and love."
"I AM the Spencer you know and love Toby!"
"No, you're not. You are someone else. And Spence, I miss you so much. I only get glimpses.."
His voice was slowing now, we was clutching my hands, and almost whispering.
"Glimpses of who YOU are. When you laugh, or tell me how easy the French test was, or kiss me. But when I see you in the hallway, talking to your friends, you are something else. Please don't go away. Please stay."
I stared into his eyes, and then over his shoulder, out of guilt.
"I want to. Toby, I do. I can't.."
"What?"
Everything wanted to spill out. The answers, all of the different parts of me, how the number on the scale tormented me. You hush. He will ruin you, don't become that same ugly girl you used to be. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be perfect? You just need to lose a little more weight.
"Spencer, I'm done with the excuses. The lies, I hate it and-"
"I never meant to hurt you! I love you Toby, you-"
"NO. Spencer, I don't want you to change. I don't want the little bits and pieces of you that I have now, I want YOU. I want you to come and find me when you've figured that out."
I watched him leave, trudge downstairs, slam the front door. I loved him. The adoration filled e, and I wanted so desperately to follow him, convince him that it would be all right, to talk to my parents. But I didn't even have the energy to do that. My exhaustion even tore down my love for Toby Cavanaugh. That's the first time I ever truly hated that little voice.
I got up early that next morning, and was about as tired as I was the night before, but that wasn't anything new. I went into my bathroom to fishtail my hair, and I was brushing through it, I realized how thin it was getting, how much of it fell out when I brushed it...how little of it there was left to brush. I threw on a sweater, some boots and grabbed my school stuff.
When I arrived at school, I rushed inside, as I was absolutely freezing from head to toe, and ran inside, wishing I had brought an additional jacket or coat. I found Emily pretty fast, and she asked me questions about our APES test as we walked to the cafeteria, where Hanna and Aria were lounging, and we joined them. As I was answering another one of Emily's study questions, I realized that Hanna had another jacket and stopped.
"So facilitated diffusion is just another form of passive transport within a cell, so-wait Hanna, can I PLEASE borrow that jacket."
"Why?"
"Well, It's freezing out here!"
"Spencer, it's only in the high sixties."
"I don't care, I'm pretty sure my fingers are developing frostbite, can I have it?"
"I guess, but why are you so cold? I'm not that cold. Emily is fine with her sweater. Aria's teeth aren't chattering while yours are going as fast a sewing machine."
This seemed like a pretty dumb question...people get cold. That's that. Furthermore, my frostbite was only getting more intense by the minute.
"Hanna, people get cold."
"WE are people and WE aren't cold. YOU cannot maintain your own body heat." She argued as she finally passed over the jacket.
"Can too!" I replied, as if this were some sort of childish fight. Hanna rolled her eyes and exchanged expressions with Aria and Emily.
"Oh, by the way, what are you doing tonight?" asked Emily.
"Nothing, I was going to work on a project, but it's not due for quite a while. Why?"
"We were thinking of going to see a movie. Come with?"
"Why not?" Sounded pretty fun, I missed hanging out with them.
"Okay, I'll drive us! Meet me after school in student parking behind the orchestra room."
After last period French, I walked from my locker to where Hanna, Emily, and Aria were in the student lot. When I walked down to all of them standing around by Em's car, they were clumped together with their backs to me, whispering.
"Hey, guys."
They spun around and recognized my presence, but it was awkward, like they didn't want me there.
"Hey Spence."
"Hey guys, what were you talking about, I missed the beginning of the conversation."
"Nothing" Aria replied a little too quickly. Another awkward silence.
"Here, hop in, we'll head to the theatre."
They were all acting weird. Like there was some elephant in the room that they were pretending was invisible. Even so, I hopped in the van between Hanna and Aria, with Emily in the front seat, and our school bags and purses piled up in shotgun.
"Hanna, if you or Aria want to sit shotgun, then go ahead!"
"No, it's fine Spence!"
"Okay... So really, what were you guys whispering about before I came?"
Silence. Emily turned on the car, and locked the doors. More silence. More awkward.
Hanna began "Spencer. There is something wrong with you."
"There is..what? I'm sorry?"
Aria touched my shoulder. "You never sleep, never eat, and you don't hardly act like yourself anymore."
My mouth hung open in disbelief. I shook my head in protest, but they didn't give me a chance to get words in. Aria's voice was growing.
"We love you Spence, and this is why we 're doing this. What you're doing is SO dangerous. If you keep losing weight at this rate, it could kill you, and we care about you to much to watch that happen to you!"
Emily jumped in "Watching you these past months has been awful. And when I say that, I speak for everyone." I stopped her there, I didn't want to hear anymore.
"Stop! Okay, I get it, that you guys don't like what I'm doing, but it's what I need to be doing. I hate that you guys don't trust me. I eat more than I probably should be eating, so stop freaking out about my diet! It's MY diet." I tried to get out of the car. I was furious and fed up and I no longer wanted to be a part of whatever stupid little plan they had devised to ruin me. I tried to get out of the car, but aria and Hanna pulled me down, and even if I got to the doors, I realized that they were locked. I was trapped. This had been their plan all along. In that instant I hated them. I wanted to scream.
"Just let me go!" I pulled back into the seat.
"No Spencer! Tell us exactly what's going on, why-"
"You don't get it!" Now I was screaming, because it felt in that moment like I was trapped, but my voice could go wherever it wanted to go. I was too weak to fight against my two best friends, but my voice could do it for me. If I could not hurt with strength, I would hurt with words.
"You don't get it! You don't know what it's like to fat, and ugly. And disgusting and hated and tired. I want to do this one thing to myself, for myself, but nobody will let me do it. You have no idea how hard I've worked to try to be pretty. To even have a hope of being wonderful. And now-" I could feel a frog in my throat. I was looking around at them, at the devastation of their faces.
"Now you want to ruin me. You can't control me! You can't make me stay unperfect! Because I control me! All of you get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment from swimming, or art, or fashion, and I get that from losing weight! That's ALL I have." I had stopped screaming because it hurt, and now I was just ranting through my tears.
"That's all I want, so don't take that away from me. I have given up EVERYTHING to be pretty, and thin. You don't know what it's like to be tired and hungry all the time! To be mad at yourself all the time, to constantly only want to make yourself better. To not even have control over your own, ugly thoughts. Please-" I could feel the tears dropping from the edge of my face. Aria had wiped away some of them, but now there were to many for her small sleeve to sustain.
We sat there in that locked car for a long time, at least protected from the cold wind. It wasn't long before everyone was crying and holding each other. We stayed there for a very long time. Just telling one another that we were beautiful. That we didn't need to change ourselves, because we were so perfect already. Listing each others many talents off to one another. Telling stories, of great things that we did together. Throughout the entire conversation, that piece of me wouldn't stop buzzing. Of them promising me that I was gorgeous and perfect and a genius. And also too thin. That they were going to help me get better. That they were there for me, that it was something fixable. But it wasn't. I didn't want it to be. Stop telling me you understand because you don't. It won't be fine, I don't even know if I want it to be fine. I'm far from 'too thin'. I'm not finished. There isn't anything wrong with me.
Don't treat me like I'm made of glass.
Because it is exhausting to want to live this much. To fight through every day like a gladiator. Because you have to have some sort of soul-crushing hope that things will get better to be this afraid of missing it, to want something so badly. I feel like I am anything but glass.
Author's Note: Thank you for your patience! I have all my ideas together, I know what I'm going to incorporate, how it's going to end and everything, and I'm SO excited! Thank you for reading and reviewing! I do apologize for the wait. Life is insane. Dance is even more insane. I have been so inspired lately, so look forward to some more good chapters. Thanks!
p.s. SO excited for upcoming PLL episodes!