We didn't go to any such movie. Emily drove all of us home. I hopped out of her car, waved goodbye with a smile and feeling of sincerity I hadn't had it a long time. Aria said she was going to start coming over to my house in the evenings so we could eat dinner together, besides, she needed a little help in Calculus. Hanna was going to eat lunch with me every day, and Emily was talking to Toby. And while I knew all of this was good, I couldn't help but feeling overwhelmed.
I don't know where to go from here. I remember when I didn't have to worry about gaining weight, or what I ate. I remember when I could go out with my friends and actually have a nice time and enjoy myself. What I don't remember is the last time I felt proud of myself. Or the last time I ate three meals in one day.
I remember all of those wonderful days when I didn't bat an eyelash about any of these things, and I remember when I first started thinking about all of these things, and I can't help but thinking how easy it was to slip into. And now that I am where I am now, I feel impossibly trapped. I don't think I'll ever get out. I can't always admit that enjoy the way my mind works, but I also can't imagine it not working the way it does. I can't imagine not hearing those skinny quiet voices, and not worrying about all of these things. Even though I think I know somewhere deep down that it's destroying me, I can't even decide whether I care? My friends say that I will get better. I don't know if I can get better, or even if I want to. Im terrified.
Iam no father time, but I do know this: All of these moments will become stories someday, and all of these pictures, whether I am skeletal, or thirty pounds heavier, will become old photographs. And I have wasted the four years that everyone seems to look back on as being this golden time of your life. It's almost over. It's almost over anyways.
I could very easily let myself die. I could let this part of myself that isn't even the bad guy, it just wants to be alive, take over the rest of me, and just watch myself be eaten alive by it... see what I did there? Eaten alive?
I went upstairs into my bedroom, tossing my school bags on the floor, and my bag onto my bed. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, still hidden in Hanna's jacket from this morning. I took it off and even under my sweater I could see the way there was no longer muscles on my legs and arms, and nothing over my abdomen but some protruding ribs, and lower down, my hips. I had lost a total of just over thirty five pounds. I didn't even have the energy to put myself on the scale. I just walked over to my bed, fainted onto the mattress, and stayed there, staring at my ceiling. I sighed, and eventually regained that feeling before you begin to sob.
I'm scared I'll be one of those people that forgets what it's like to be seventeen when I turn eighteen. But what worries me is that these are not memories and faded photographs yet, this is happening. I am here. And I am causing all of the people that I love to feel pain, but I have no reason to believe that I am not a sad story. I just want to be infinite. Well, no. Because even if I am remembered by every person one hundred years from now, they will not know what is important and true and special, and what will help them more than any discovery I could ever make. I just want to feel infinite, and when that happens, I will be infinite in a sense that no one else needs to ever know. But I will know that I am alive, and wonderful and perfect. And infinite.
Author's Note: I know, it's been WAY to long, practically forever! I was really proud of this chapter even though it didn't advance the plot, it had a lot of key idea's and inspired themes I was very proud of. I also know that it is very short, but the next chapter will hopefully advance the plot much more. I have debated many different ideas from here, and also whether or not and how much Spencer is going to get better. I think i have decided but you know I love ya'lls input so please read and review! You could even message me? THANKS.