Sitting outside of Toby's house in my car, I began to feel the guilt wash over me. Pulling Spence out of the hospital was the last thing I should have done. She needed to be there, seeing a nutritionist, a therapist, getting some calories in her. Taking her away from the one place that could solve all of her problems was a really dumb move, one she wouldn't have been proud of if she was in her right mind. It was almost two AM. We had stopped by my house for some clothes and money, and her house too, though only briefly, as she didn't want her family to wake up and find her NOT in the hospital where she belonged. We had talked on the way there, figuring out where to go from here, and the first place she thought of was the Cavanaugh's cabin.

And so here I was, with the car in park, waiting for her to somehow convince Toby to run away with us, or at least get the keys to their cabin for us to borrow. I was hoping Spence would want somebody else to come, the more people on my side the better, but I'm not even sure she wanted to let Toby come, and I honestly didn't think I could push it. From what I understood Toby didn't want to come either. She said they had a fight after he told her parents, which I was relieved to hear. But from what I heard, the only reason Toby would come, would be to help me get her back in the hospital, though he wouldn't make that obvious to her.

Later, she dashed across the Cavanaugh's lively lawn and hopped into the passenger seat next to me. She had ditched the all too obvious white gown in her neighbor's trash and changed into an old striped top, jeans, boots and a thick sweater... despite the fact that it was relatively warm outside.

"I convinced him to tag along. He said he was going to grab an overnight bag and the house keys."

"Good. I'm glad he decided to come. He'll be helpful... Was he mad when you came?" She sounded out of breath, but had a contented look on her face, and nodded her head yes, but said he had jumped at the opportunity to come. A few minutes later, Toby dumped his bag in the trunk and climbed into the back seat.

"Let's drive girls."

When we got to the cabin, we loaded our stuff into the two bedrooms. One for Spencer and Toby, and the other for me. As Spencer dragged her and Toby's stuff into their bedroom we had a minute to talk to each other. She went out to get some bags, and he gestured towards a corner of the kitchen. When we heard the door slam, we whispered.

"Aria, Why did you do it?"

"Take her out you mean?" I paused to recall the moment. "I just saw that determined look in her eye that we hadn't seen in so long." I recalled the energy and longing she had somehow summoned from within her. "I saw how much she wanted it, and then she looked at me like she believed in me so much Toby." I knew he knew the feeling. "Like she believed that I was someone special who could truly help her." I looked up at him, seeing that he was sympathetic, but still frustrated. "I'm really sorry. I realize now how dumb that was, and how caught up I was in this stupid hope that I could get her back, just see a flash of who she used to be. I really am sorry."

"It's okay. We can deal with whatever happens. If she starts to look real bad or refuses to eat or something, the two of us can always take her back. She's not strong enough to fight off either one of us, let alone both of us. I'm not going to think twice before taking her back there. We really should be taking her back there right now." I nodded, but I knew I still looked worried. He leaned over to give me a hug as Spencer came around the corner.

"What's up Aria?" "Nothing..." I wasn't even gonna try to explain. "Well...okayyyyy. Do you wanna do each others hair before bed?" "Sure, Spence." Toby went into their bedroom to change as we sat on my bed with hairbands laying on the blue satin covers. For just a minute I had my Spencer back. She talked about how she was excited to see Toby's abbs before bed and we giggled. She complained about the AP English workload. My only reminder of the other part of her was the hair the hairbrush pulled out as I french braided her hair. Clumps of what used to be beautiful, soft, silk, brown hair. Hair that used to lay in effortless curls on her shoulders that now sat on her back, stiff and without life. And as I pulled out clump after clump, tears formed in my eyes and the conversation turned from normal, to the ridiculous amount of calories in graham crackers. When I finally finished twisting and tucking her thinned locks and she turned to me to do mine, she saw the sadness in my eyes.

"Aria, what's wrong?" The tears refused to spill over, perched precariously in my eyes. I looked at her thinned, pale face and said exactly what needed to be said.

"You know Spencer, you're gorgeous." She just looked blankly back. Her eyes finally fixated on mine, communicating the denial I'm sure she felt. "You're just..." I bit my lip and choked, closing my eyes for an instant. "You're so beautiful." I looked away now, pretending to look for a hairband so I wouldn't cry. She hopped up on the bed and rubbed my arm. She didn't say anything. It was only apparent that she didn't agree. I looked back up at her and whispered. "Why don't you believe it? I don't know what else I can say to you." She stared with her mouth just open, searching for the words that were so hard to find because she truly didn't understand. "I just don't believe it." She shook her head and whispered. "I don't understand this Aria." She was just as frustrated with herself as I was. I repeated my question: "What can I say to you? What will help you understand?" A pause. "I don't think there are any words that could explain it." She hugged me, and knelt behind me to do my hair. I didn't cry until she began to brush through it, and divide it as I had. Because I felt the instant after she picked up the hairbrush when she saw all of her hair stuck and woven in the bristles. I felt her internally gasp and pause, and waited for her to say something, but she just accepted it. I wanted her to do anything but that. I wondered especially about whether or not she had realized that that was what had triggered my tug of tears. Either way, the drowning feeling of guilt was mutual (even if for very different reasons). And as she divided my healthy hair into sections, the tears silently rode down my cheeks.

I wiped any trace of them off before she could see them, and she hugged me goodnight before going to bed with Toby. It took me longer than I would care to admit to get to sleep that night. And the same fears came back to haunt me. It made me wonder if she thinks those same things every night. It also made me wonder why on Earth she would put herself through this, and how we could possibly stop her. I could still hear my words in my head. 'You're just so beautiful.' I could only hope that those same words were bouncing around her head too.

The next morning, Toby and I woke up first and made some coffee for the three of us. Spencer's breakfast, of course, would consist of a breakfast sandwich and eggs as well. It took some convincing from me that we shouldn't just take her back to the hospital today. To let her have one last chance.

"When we talked in bed last night, we kind of made up. And then we kissed, and when I held her, all I could feel were bones. It just reinforced that feeling that all of this is wrong." I looked at his weary face and felt it too. "Do you want to just take her back?" He pushed his hair back with his hands and closed his eyes. "Yeah. I honestly think we need to try and take her back. Today." I knew that was exactly what he had been thinking the whole time. He was just keeping it in for her sake. "Okay. We'll do it tonight. Let's try and spend the day with her though. Maybe have some fun before she hates us again." I tried to sound hopeful, maybe even uplifting. He nodded, knowing that we would resent that moment equally.

"Morning." The lady herself trudged through the sitting room in Toby's shirt and some old pajama pants. "What do you guys wanna do today? We could go to the park, or down to the river?" Toby and I were silent. But with her hopeful eyes bouncing between us, I threw out "We could go to the art museum downtown, you always love that." She of course, jumped at this idea and ran back into their room to get dressed. I shouted after her: "But not before you eat the breakfast your boyfriend made you." "Okay, Mom!" She had made it sound joking, but I could just see her rolling her eyes at me. The feeling of nervousness was evident in the room, especially after Spencer looked despairingly at the meal.

"We're almost there. Wait, did I pass 5th Avenue?" Spencer had the map of downtown in her hands, navigating Toby through the city. "You didn't. I think it's three-ish blocks down, and then a right." Downtown was beautiful, especially since the city had done a clean up and beautification project with U Penn. We took a right and at the very end of the road, and pulled up to a towering, monumental building with statues standing across the walk. Toby dropped us off and we walked the path the statues stood on, admiring each one when she stopped me. "Aria, look at that park down the street. It's so pretty, and I bet it'd be cool too with all those trees growing over the path." It somehow didn't seem like an innocent suggestion. "It really is pretty. Do you wanna go there before we hit the museum?" I probably shouldn't have given her the opportunity. If anything, she would try and run around just to burn calories, but as long as I could keep her at my side and find a place to sit, then it couldn't be too bad.

Toby ran up behind us as we were crossing the street to go to the park, and I explained our detour as our feet crushed the gravel of the path. There was a bench in the shade of the park which I thought would be just perfect. I looked up to Spencer to suggest it, and noticed that she was pulling at her frail fingers. She looked nervous, like her brain was going into overdrive. Her eyes darted everywhere, and for being in such a calm place, she certainly didn't match the feeling.

I was about to open my mouth when she looked at us and yelled "I'll race you guys around the park!" And took off. I, of course, wasn't about to take off too fast because I was in heels, but I knew Toby had it covered. I knew it would be fine when I heard Spencer's contagious giggle. My instinct was to stop her, take away any opportunity to burn calories, but I knew that Toby would catch her before she got too far. I kind of skipped along to keep up with the two love birds, watching Toby give her teasing looks and trying to run up and grab her waist. But on his first attempt, he fell, tripping over himself and landing in the gravel. Spencer looked back to make sure he was okay, which he confirmed with a nod, and then there was a moment. She hesitated, torn. She looked back lovingly, and then something pushed her on, and she kept running. It wasn't that same playful run, it was a needy run. Why didn't she just stop?

"Hey, Spence, come back here!" I yelled, but she just kept going. I would have thought she would come right back the minute Toby fell. "Hey, get back here!" I helped Toby up, asking if we was okay. "My knees are fine, but my shoulder feels a little weird." He brushed the gravel off his jacket, rotating his shoulder to see if something was wrong. "I think it'll be fine, but we need to catch up with Spence... Where'd she go?" It was only then that I realized we really didn't see her. I assumed she would stop just up the path, seeing that we obviously weren't playing anymore. I scanned the park, and looked past the turns of the path which didn't hide much. Our Spence wasn't anywhere.

Toby had started running again. "Don't. I just want you to be careful in case there's something really wrong with your shoulder." He gave me a look and started shouting her name. We walked down the path as quickly as we could, following the winding gravel and trees until it ended. Toby then, against my will, ran back to the car as fast he could and drove by to pick me up. We drove around the entire area, block by block. No Spencer. We stopped and asked pedestrians and street sellers if they'd seen her, using a picture Toby had in his truck. 'No one like that.' They'd say. We finally ended up in a parking lot on the other side of the park. Toby was about to get out when I stopped him. "She's not there." A pause. "We walked around the entire park already. She isn't there."

He stopped. He got back in the car, slamming the door and banging his hands against the car wheel. "What are we going to do Aria?" Silence. "What are we supposed to do?" Louder this time. "Toby, she doesn't want to be found." "What is she crazy?" "Yes." I saw that tortured look in his face. He closed his eyes and looked up. "What has she eaten today?" "We both watched her eat breakfast." I knew neither of us could forget that. The way she tried to make it look so easy, but how we both knew her too well and could still detect the tinge of pain and guilt with every bite. The way she would just have to close her eyes sometimes, trying to hold back her emotions while she chewed.

Toby looked out the window. "Sure we did, but we also don't know that she didn't just throw it up." I took a breath. "I'm just as scared for her as you are, we'll come back again tomorrow and-" "How could we be so stupid!?" I looked at his face, close to tears. He just needed to yell, so I let him. "I know you just wanted your best friend back and I just wanted my girlfriend back, but why did we believe that could actually happen? She's so far gone she can't even think about anything except weight and food and how she's going to run away from the two people in the world that care about her the most! And now she's alone somewhere with that evil part of herself that will tear her right up again." He was running his fingers over the wheel, trying to calm himself down again. He looked to me. "I don't know." Silence. "I just don't know. I never should have helped her get out. And we should have taken her back first thing this morning. I just don't understand why she's trying to screw herself over." I looked up at him, hoping for an answer. He spoke, but I could tell he wished he was in denial of his words. "Because when people want to die, they'll do anything." We both choked on the words for a minute. "Spencer doesn't want to die." "Our Spencer doesn't. Anorexic Spencer does."

I thought back to the strained look in her eyes every time she took just a bite, and how we had to hug her afterward and let her shed a few tears after a single meal. I thought about the way she looked at me after I braided her hair that night, about how she didn't say anything because she knew no words would make the difference. How that panicked look in her eyes was just calculating, planning the solutions to what seemed to her, to be the biggest problems. How even in the car ride there, when we were cracking jokes and having a good time, she still wasn't our Spencer with all that exhaustion behind her eyes.

As Toby drove back to the cabin, I thought of that last moment I saw her: When she looked back at us and giggled. Nervousness in her eyes, awaiting her great escape, but also a hint of joy. Her wavy hair flying, flame like behind her, and her arms trying swat tree blossoms from her face as she flew. The way she smiled that stuck in my head, and that laugh. That little laugh that was probably the greatest amount of joy I had seen out of her in months. It echoed in my head over and over, and that haunting sentence tumbled through my head with it. When people want to die, they'll do anything.... She was so done... Our Spencer doesn't. Anorexic Spencer does.

I just hoped that that wasn't the last time we would see her.

Author's Note: It's summer, which means writing season again! I'm SO psyched, and I hope you guys are too. I can't say sorry enough for the wait, and I'm just glad I got this out. Just a heads up that I'm beginning another story. It will be featuring the Baby Daddy characters and will run along themes similar to this one. Let me know if you guys will read it and I'll publish it! Thanks for reading!

xoxo Kari