Life, Lies and Video Surveillance

By Cortexikid

Chapter 14: Sphallolalia

A/N: So, something a little more light-hearted & humorous (with a hint of drama) after the whammy of the last series =] It's 'let's embarrass Deeks time' ya'll! :D (To my American friends, I apologize for that...yeah...*cough*)

NOTE: There is some time-jumping in this chapter! Hope I didn't make it too confusing!

Disclaimer: NCIS: LA is not mine, good thing too, if it was, I'd say Eric Christian Olsen would never forgive me for this...

WOTD: SPHALLOLALIA; sph·al·lol·al·ia noun. Flirtatious talk that leads nowhere

"This can't be...happening. I can't...die...like this..."

"Just hang on Deeks! I'm five minutes away," the panicked voice of his partner sounded in his ear.

"Better...hurry partner...I'm...starting to..."

"Deeks? DEEKS!"

Five Days Earlier...

"Nope."

"Deeks—"

"Absolutely not."

"Come on Deeks, it won't be that bad o—"

"You know that for sure, do ya Sam? 'Cause if not, I'm out."

The blond glared at the bald man indignantly, arms folded, shoulders tense.

There was just no way. They couldn't...wouldn't expect him to go through with this. Kensi stood beside him, bumping him gently with her hip, a teasing smirk on her face.

"Look at it this way, at least now you'll be able to show off your musical chops Mr. von Trapp."

"That was Eric not—"

"Whatever Georg," his partner interrupted, holding her hands up to quieten him.

Deeks' mouth dropped open.

"J'accuse! You have seen The Sound of Music!" her partner pointed accusingly with his index finger an inch from her face, his expression scandalised.

Kensi smirked and rolled her eyes, smacking his hand away. Deeks' eyes grew pleading.

"Look Kens, Sam, what about Callen huh? I mean surely he can pass for—"

"Hetty already signed off on you, Deeks," said Sam, a finality to his tone.

"Please, Kens, help me out here—"

"Sorry partner, this is way above my paid grade."

Deeks' gaped, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish as he struggled for words. It seemed he was outnumbered. Again.

"Fine..." he sighed, biting his lip, "but I draw the line at wearing ruffles."

Three hours later...

Deeks heaved a deep sigh as he pulled up in front of a large, lavish, Victorian-styled house with gleaming lawns and impressive topiary lined up parallel to each other, designed as chess-pieces – knight's horses, pawns with withdrawn swords– along with various other formidable-looking creatures.

"Who owns this house, The Addams Family?" the detective grumbled as he climbed out of his car into the beaming sun and reached into the back-seat to retrieve a small, leather case.

"Mr. Nathaniel Roberts and his wife Irene – the former being involved in a multitude of gang-related activities, one of them resulting in the death of the son of Aaron Michaels, NCIS Special Agent," his partner informed him from her vantage-point in her car, situated a couple of hundred yards down the street.

"Goodie. Who am I giving lessons to anyway? The bratty eight-year-old?" Deeks asked quietly as he made his way up to the driveway.

"Nope, the kid's away at camp. You're stuck with the grandmother, partner."

She was getting way too much pleasure out of this.

"Oh great, I can add some crazy old woman to my list of enemies," he murmured as he walked past the creepy, plant-statue things, trying not to stare at them too fixedly.

"Why would she be your enemy? You'll do fine, Deeks," Kensi reassured him as he reached up to push the doorbell.

"That's easy for you to say Kens; you haven't heard me play yet."

Before Kensi could reply, a figure came to the door and opened it, revealing a tall, blonde-haired, middle-aged woman with luminous white teeth and questionably wrinkle-free features.

"Can I help you?" she smiled, her face barely moving as she regarded the undercover detective with definite interest – a gleam of mischief in her eye.

"Hi, Mrs Roberts?" Deeks held out his hand as she stared at him, "I'm Danny Davis; I'm here to apply for the position of violin tutor?"

Her answering smile was damn near blinding. And freaky as hell.

"Oh yes, yes, please, Mr. Davis, come in," she shook his hand a little too long before ushering him inside hurriedly, flicking her peroxide-blonde hair over her shoulder, her russet eyes not-so-subtly raking up and down Deeks' body with feral curiosity.

"Thanks..." Deeks murmured, clearing his throat a little and avoiding her ravenous gaze, as he stepped past her and into the large, circular foyer.

"You have a...lovely home Mrs. Roberts," the detective murmured as he felt her move even closer behind him.

"Well, thank you, but please, call me Irene...would you mind me calling you Danny?" she asked, walking around him to halt facing him, her persistent smile plastered across her immobile face.

"Uh, yeah sure, sounds great," he muttered, standing his ground but leaning his torso back a little as the housewife reached forward to run her fingers down his shoulder.

"Looks like you got a fan," Kensi grumbled over the coms, squinting down at the mini-surveillance-screen on her lap that was directly connected to Deeks' button cam.

"Uh, so, am I going to be teaching you Mrs...I mean, Irene?" Deeks' asked, ignoring his partner's jibes and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other as the blonde led him through a large study – Nathaniel's he guessed – and straight outside into the pool area.

"Oh, I wish! God knows I could put those dextrous fingers of yours to work..." she cooed, winking at him over her shoulder.

"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little," Kensi deadpanned in his ear.

Deeks barely contained a grimace.

"Speaking off..." the dye-job blonde suddenly stopped in her tracks and whirled around to Deeks, standing so close to him that he was forced to take a step back.

"How's your fingering?" she smirked, bold as brass, the double-entendre hanging in the air for the entire world to see.

"Well, I've never had any complaints."

Kensi's choked on her coffee as she failed to suppress the surprised gasp that escaped her lips. She could feel her partner's smug smirk as she scrambled to compose herself. That bastard!

"Good to know, Danny, good to know," Irene replied, her sultry tone evident, before calling off to someone in the near-distance.

"Mother! Mother! Your new violin tutor is here!"

Deeks' eyes widened at the sight of the old woman in a wheelchair glaring at him with beady dark eyes, magnified by large, bottle-neck glasses.

"I—I got the job? But you haven't heard me play ye—"

"Nonsense! I don't need to hear anything, I can tell just by looking at you that you know your way around a lotta things..." she trailed off, throwing him another wink before turning all-business, "now, let me give you the tour," Irene motioned for him to follow her, walking towards her mother.

"Good job André Rieu," Kensi smirked, "you're in."

"I hate this."

"Come on Deeks, you've been on worse assignments."

"Maybe, but at least then I didn't have to deal with Claire the Cougar with her wandering, liver-spotted hands!"

"Yeah, and you thought her daughter Irene was bad..."

Kensi nudged Deeks gently, offering him a small teasing smile.

"Technically, when the woman is old enough to be your grandmother she's called a 'Snow Leopard,'" Eric interrupted the partners, swinging around to regard them from his spot at the computers.

"I don't wanna know how you even know that Eric," Sam grimaced as he and Callen entered Ops.

The tech-operator's cheeks reddened as Nell stared at him for a moment, confusion and something akin to revulsion tingeing her features.

"What Mr. Beale does in his spare time and with whom is none of your concern, Mr. Hanna," the unmistakeable voice of one Henrietta Lange sounded suddenly behind them.

The team all turned to stare at the petite brunette who was standing, hands clasped in the doorway. Nobody dared speak a word.

"Now, Mr. Deeks, care to update us?" she asked, it sounding more like a demand than a request as she stepped further into the room, her hawk-like-eyes trained intently on the LAPD liaison.

"Yeah tell us, did Mrs Robinson touch you in your special place yet, Benjamin?" Sam smirked, punching the detective none-too-likely in the shoulder.

Kensi snorted behind her hand that was held to her face as Callen openly chuckled, Eric and Nell exchanging an amused glance while Hetty rolled her eyes.

"Ha, ha, The Graduate, very original, never would have thought of that Sam," Deeks scowled sarcastically, rubbing his arm before turning his attention to Hetty.

"I've managed to secure six cameras in and around the Roberts' house, one in the home-gym, another in the study, one in the kitchen, master bed-room, living room and outside in the pool area. If Roberts is planning another meet with Kline then we'll know about it," Deeks finished, catching the Operations Manager's gaze and holding it.

"Good work Mr. Deeks. The sooner we catch Kline and his men the better, Special Agent Michaels wants to bury his son with the peace of mind that then men responsible for his death have been brought to justice," Hetty nodded grimly before Callen broke the tension with a nudge to Deeks' arm.

"So, tell us Deeks, you naturally that gifted with old ladies or do ya have to work at it?"

Deeks scoffed, shaking his head before replying confidently, his eyes flickering to Hetty:

"Nope, much like the Gaga, I was born this way."

"Damn straight, Mr. Deeks."

"You know what's funny?" Kensi asked as Deeks made his way out to the Roberts' pool area.

"Milk squirting out people's noses, large men falling over, dogs on unicycles—"

"Even after 'teaching' Claire the Snow Leopard the violin for the past four days, I haven't once heard you play," Kensi interrupted as she pulled up outside the pizza place.

"Yeah well, she's pretty good anyway; all I have to do is help her with her finger positioning."

"Gross."

Before he could reply, Deeks stopped in his tracks as he saw Irene stepping out of the home-sauna, clad in nothing but a white towel and edging her way towards the pool, her self-tanned body glistening with sweat in the afternoon sun.

"Whoa."

"What?" Kensi asked as she stepped out of her car and made her way towards the restaurant to grab some take-out, she'd spent ages cooped up in the car outside the Roberts' residence and the hunger was starting to get to her.

"N-Nothing," Deeks stammered under his breath as he adverted his gaze from the housewife who now noticed his appearance.

"Hello Danny...nice day, isn't it?" she cooed, dipping her Barbie-pink painted toes into the pool before leaning forward – giving the detective quite the sight – and sitting down at the edge. Deeks fought a grimace as he adverted his gaze once more.

"Uh, yeah, it's hot—uh, warm out here," he stammered, his eyes trained on a spot to the left of her head.

"I take it you're looking for my mother?" she asked, apparently none-too-bothered about her state of undress around a stranger as she ran her legs back and forth in the water.

"Yeah, actually, I thought she might be out here, soaking up the sun," Deeks croaked, a slight shudder racking his body as he cast his mind back to the elderly woman's state of undress (tight one-piece bathing suit) yesterday when he arrived...like mother like daughter.

"Oh that woman has soaked up far too much sun over the years," Irene sniped, a hint of bitterness in her tone, "she's actually in her room taking a nap, poor dame just isn't able for it anymore...me on the other hand—"

"Oh well, I better go then, don't wanna be bothering you if Claire isn't feeling well," Deeks interrupted the woman's (what was sure to be highly sexual) remark and stepping backwards to go back inside and out to his car. Mr. Roberts was due to be home any minute and according to the surveillance he and Kensi got yesterday, he would be expecting a very important call from Kline today that would likely lead the partners to their location. Best if he made his way out now.

"Oh no, stay!" Irene exclaimed, leaping up, water sprinkling everywhere as she raced toward him, clutching her towel to her chest. Deeks watched, gaping as she stopped a mere foot away and smiled up at him, her damp hand coming up to rest on his chest.

"You should try the sauna," she cooed, her eyelashes fluttering.

"I really should be—"

"Take her up on her offer, Mr. Deeks," Hetty's voice sounded in his ear from Ops as Deeks tried to hide his surprise.

"Hetty what—" Kensi tried to interject as she stood in line waiting to order her food.

"Ms. Blye is only five minutes away and Mr. Roberts is due home any moment. Perhaps it would be better if you stayed on the premises, waited for Mr. Roberts to receive his call then take point—Ms. Blye being your back-up from the exterior," Hetty asked, it again sounding more like a command than a suggestion.

"I'd love to try your sauna," Deeks forced a smile onto his face as he answered the housewife, a sense of dread seeping into his veins.

This couldn't lead anywhere good.

Present

"Deeks? DEEKS!" Kensi yelled as she sped down the street, her hands gripping the steeling wheel tightly as her foot damn near flattened on the floor.

She didn't know what happened, one minute Deeks was trying out the sauna per Mrs. Roberts' request (and Hetty's orders) and the next he was calling the distress word, his voice strangled as there was some sort of scuffle, other voices shouting loudly over the coms. Then things became barely audible (the steam may have had an effect on the tech), and the last thing the agent heard was Deeks' soft, raspy voice calling out to her.

Her heart hammered in her throat, the adrenaline pumping through her veins as she reached the Roberts' house and slammed on the breaks, leaping out of the car and racing up the driveway, snatching her gun out of her holster and beginning her search. Attentively, she edged toward the door, noticing it was ajar before pushing her shoulder against it, cracking it open enough for her to survey the foyer. Finding it empty, Kensi's ears perked, listening for any sign of life.

"Deeks...Deeks talk to me!" she hissed under her breath as she made her way through the house, gun carefully stretched out in front of her. The place was deserted, each room showing up as empty as the next. Rapidly, she made her way through the study and out onto the pool area, finally spotting something – a body, slumped up against the sauna door, not moving.

"Deeks!" she exclaimed, racing forward before a heavy thump wacked her roughly on the back, causing her to stumble forward, gun flying out of her hand. With break-neck speed, the agent spun around, her leg kicking out at her attacker, colliding harshly with a stomach before her clenched fist rammed into a face.

Irene Roberts stumbled backwards, clutching her face as blood ran through her fingers. Kensi took the advantage and advanced on the housewife, but before she could, the blonde brought up the baseball bat that she retrieved from the ground and swung it at her. Kensi ducked and flung herself at the woman, pushing them both into the pool with a loud splash.

With the blonde succumbing to the shock, Kensi quickly gained control, her arm wrapping around her neck, quickly cutting off the woman's air and knocking her unconscious. Once her body slumped against her chest, Kensi dragged the housewife back through the water and heaved her up onto the ledge before pulling herself out of the pool, retrieving her gun and running to towards the sauna, dripping wet, her shoes squeaking loudly.

"Deeks..." Kensi dropped to her knees beside the man that lay against the door, her heart lurching in her chest painfully as she saw the blood pooling on the floor. With shaking hands she turned him over and was shocked to see thin, dark hair covering his head, not a mass of flaxen locks.

She'd found the body of Nathaniel Roberts.

"Deeks!" she yelled, glancing frantically around her, her eyes desperately searching for her partner when something caught her eye. A mass of steam was escaping out under the door of the sauna, engulfing her and the body in intense heat. Her mouth dropped open as she scrambled to push the body out of the way.

"Deeks!" she hollered as she swung the door open, coughing as the heap of steam hit her like a ton of bricks. With bleary eyes she peered in and after a moment her gaze caught on a shock of familiar blond hair on the floor and she stumbled forward, hands outstretched, clasping her partner's arms, dragging him out with a strength she didn't even know she had.

As she heaved him out and onto the ground, she couldn't help but panic when her eyes raked over his reddened body, his skin flushed to a dangerous hue, his chest unmoving. He wasn't breathing!

"Eric! I need an ambulance now," she bellowed as she kneeled on the ground, pinching Deeks' nose and pressing her lips to his, puffing air into his mouth.

"Callen and Sam are five minutes out, ambulance en route," Eric informed her, his voice tinged with worry.

After a few more puffs of air, Kensi saw Deeks' brow furrow and gasp in oxygen. Attentively, she reached out a hand to his chest, worrying as she felt the sheer heat radiating off it.

"Kens..." he grumbled softly, his eyes still closed as Kensi stood up and propped him up against her legs, her arms wrapping around his abdomen as she began to drag him backwards.

"What—"

"I gotta cool you down," she interrupted softly as she halted suddenly and jumped into the pool, dragging her partner down unceremoniously on top of her, pulling him tightly to her chest, making sure to keep his head above water.

Deeks gasped at the sudden sensation, his arms flailing as he struggled to float as Kensi's grip loosened a little, her neck craning to the side to allow his head to rest on her shoulder.

"It's okay, I got you," she murmured softly as she stood in the pool in her clothes, her partner half-floating, half-crouching, his back flush against her.

"Wha—what happened?" he asked, still confused as his eyes shut to shield themselves from the sun's glare.

"I think Mr. Roberts came home and got the wrong idea about you and his wife," she replied, as she heard the distinct signs of sirens in the distance.

"I can see that," the detective agree, a hint of mirth in his tone.

"Are you wearing underwear?" his partner asked suddenly, forcing her eyes to stay above the water as it hit her that he was clad in nothing but a towel when she dragged him out of the sauna.

"What?"

"Under your uh...towel..." she gestured under the water to his lower extremities that remained shrouded blur under the water.

A flush (that had nothing to do with the heat) crept up Deeks' neck.

Kensi looked down at him, the awkward angle hurting her neck, her eyes widening at his expression.

"You're...naked?" she exclaimed in shock, now incredibly aware of how close they were, knowing well that there was no way the towel could possibly still be tied around his waist while submerged in water. Oh god...

Deeks cleared his throat nervously, looking sheepish.

"Well...yeah, it's a private sauna—"

"That belongs to your employer!"

"Fake employer...and she said it was okay for me to go au natural."

"I'm sure she did."

Before another word could be uttered the sounds of Sam and Callen (along with EMTs) entering the premises interrupted them. After a moment, Kensi saw them come out into the pool area, guns drawn, before halting abruptly, gazes widened as they took in the sight before them.

"Hey guys," Kensi said, trying and failing an air of nonchalance as Deeks peered at them with bleary eyes, his head still planted at the nape of her neck, "little help?"

The two men exchanged an amused glance before making their way towards their colleagues.

"Oh," Kensi said suddenly, halting them in their tracks, a flush creeping onto her cheeks, "could you get the clothes by the sauna first? We're gonna need some pants."

An incessant knock reverberated through the apartment, disrupting its quietness. With a groan, the blond detective heaved himself up off the couch and made his way slowly towards it and opened it wide, knowing well who it was.

"You should be in hospital," Kensi growled, storming into his apartment and whirled around, hands planted firmly on her hips as he closed the door and locked it.

This really was getting to be a rather regular occurrence.

"Really?" Deeks replied, shuffling past her and easing himself gently down onto his couch, looking up at her. "You're gonna lecture me about staying in hospital Ms. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?"

"I was allowed leave! You discharged yourself!" she exclaimed angrily, before plonking down into the armchair opposite him.

"I'm fine Kens, just a little...over-cooked," he smirked.

There was a short silence at that as Kensi's concerned gaze raked over him.

"You're not funny," she grumbled gruffly.

"Oh come on, I'm a little funny...you get the low-down from Sam and Callen?" he asked, feeling a change of topic was needed.

Kensi took the bait with a withering glare.

"Yeah, Roberts was taken to hospital and woke up about an hour ago, took a plea and told them everything. Kline and his men were apprehended by LAPD at a warehouse about six blocks from Kline's residence. Sam and Callen took point and brought him to the boat-shed where he copped to the trafficking but maintained he'd nothing to do with Dale Michaels' murder..."

Deeks brow furrowed.

"So who killed him then?"

Here, Kensi's gaze grew grim.

"Irene Roberts. Apparently she and Michaels' were having an affair that went south and she lost it when he began to blackmail her, threatening to tell her husband," she paused, watching as her partner tried to lean forward to retrieve water from his coffee table.

She reached out and clasped the bottle before handing it to him smoothly. His fingers brushed hers tenderly as his cerulean eyes met her polychrome ones, holding them for a moment before he took and sip.

"Anyway," she continued, the moment passed, "I had a talk with Roberts and he admitted that when he got home and saw you...using the facilities...he assumed that you were the one that he suspected his wife was having an affair with. But, before he could approach you, Irene hit him over the head with a baseball bat, causing his body to fall against the sauna, trapping you inside. That's about when I showed up and distracted her," she finished with a wince as she straightened her back, the sore spot where the blonde hit her with the bat rubbing against the chair.

Deeks grimaced as he saw her wince and handed her an ice-pack that was lying beside him.

"Oh you need it more than me Deeks, you got baked from the inside out today," she waved it off, smirking at his scandalised expression.

"Oh so it's okay for you to joke?"

Kensi merely nodded, a small grin forming on her face when something caught her eye. A distinct leather-case propped near her partner's feet.

"That your violin?" she asked, motioning towards it.

"No, it's an umbrella," Deeks replied sarcastically as his eyes locked on the conspicuously shaped object.

Kensi rolled her eyes when a thought hit her.

"Hey, I still never heard you play..." she trailed off, letting the detective catch her drift.

His eyes bulged before darting to the case and back to her.

"Seriously?" he croaked nervously.

"Only if you're feeling up to it," Kensi assured, worrying that he could still be in pain.

"I—yeah, okay...least I could do for the woman who saved my life," he murmured and before he could even try, Kensi leapt forward and grabbed the case, placing it on her lap and opening it widely.

An old but well-kept violin was revealed, it shinning softly in the dim-light of the apartment. Kensi smiled as her eyes drank it in before her gaze snapped back to her partner – catching him in his pensive stare, watching her with his instrument with an enigmatical expression on his face.

"Any requests?" he asked quietly, hands outstretched and taking the violin from her, placing it under his chin and holding out the bow.

"Surprise me," she murmured lightly, eyes gleaming delightfully in anticipation.

With a small smile, the detective took the bow and ran it gently over the strings, his fingers perfectly positioned as the wonderful tones of the familiar classical Clair de Lune began to fill the apartment.

Kensi watched and listened in awe, her eyes glued to him.

She had never heard (or seen) anything more beautiful in her entire life...

IMPORTANT NOTICE: So, up next is a continuation of the NCIS: LA & Hawaii Five-0 crossover (from chapter 2) – where the Five-0 boys come back to LA after a sighting of Delano catches the attention of NCIS: OSP.

OW! OW! My hands are cramping now! Holy crap that was LONG! Lol.

I'd absolutely LOVE a review =]

~Ck

NEXT CHAPTER TEASER:

"How do you know this isn't a costume?" she asked, reaching into her closet and pulling out a pair of jeans.

"You make it a habit of dressing up like a member of The Slutty Sleepover Club?"