Jade West

Saturdays were our days. They were the days where I could go over to Tori's or she could come over to my place and we'd just hang out. Sometimes we'd make love but other times we'd just hang out and watch a movie or even just sit there in each other's embrace. Every moment was precious and every moment was one I can never forget. Even when Tori caught that nasty case of the flu where it hurt her just to talk I went over to her house and held her in my arms. I caught the flu the next day. That's why today sucks so much. Today is Saturday. This is the first Saturday she hasn't been faithfully by my side.

A feeling of pure numbness passed me yesterday. After she left me it was just motion after motion. Everything was a blur. When Schwartz, my butler/nanny, called me down for dinner I didn't even pay attention. It was just the movement of putting a fork into my mouth over and over again. Nothing was real. The rest of the day was like a hazy fog had settled over my brain and after dinner I just went upstairs and lay on my bed. I don't know when it happened but eventually I just fell asleep. My last thoughts were of Tori.

I stand up and march over to Bunsy, sick of this twisted feeling in my gut. I need to prove myself. I need to come out to Bunsy. I need to prove to Tori that I'm worth it. So I walk to the very back of my closet in a chest, where I keep all of my embarrassing, cherished memories I've only ever shown Tori, and of Schwartz who cleans out my room every month.

I look fondly at the old collection, filled with nostalgia. There was an old, sticky ring pop wrapper, that was the first thing my first boyfriend, Justin Bronx, gave to me. There was an old copy of 'Good Night Moon' that my dad used to read to me every night before that gold-digger José came into his life. She doesn't even like him; it's so obvious that a toddler could figure it out. There was a pair of fuzzy, cheesy socks that I hadn't worn in five years. It was the last gift my dad bothered to personally give to me as the two of us, and Schwartz, gathered around the Christmas tree. Finally there was a charm bracelet. It was the last thing my mother gave me, my real mother, before she died from cancer when I was seven years old. The possession I am looking for, Bunsy, catches my eyes and I grab her from the closet.

"Hey Bunsy," I say. The old bunny is torn and caked with dirt and is barely anything more than a few ragtag pieces of cloth barely kept together by a pair of eyes.

Bunsy doesn't say a word. She just gives me that understanding, sewed on smile and those comforting brown eyes that made me feel like everything would be okay. Even on those nights when dad came home drunk.

"Hey there," I say in a cowboyish manner meant to stall time. "I've… I've got something to tell you."

No response.

"Um… ya know that Tori girl?"

No response.

"Well… um… she and I…" I look into Bunsy's eyes. They're so open and comforting and they remind me of innocence and youth. To tell her would destroy her. It would destroy the memories of her and me together. She would judge me. She wouldn't see that little girl who ran to her with tears in my eyes and who she helped save every night. She would see what the rest of the world sees. She'd see a lesbian who needs to be changed. She'd see a dyke who needs to be 'straightened out' and sent away or get fucked by a real man. She wouldn't see me anymore. She'd judge me. I couldn't handle it. "We're becoming good friends," I finish. I am unable to confess.

The guilt eats away at me. I can't even tell a fucking stuffed animal. I quickly give Bunsy a kiss and store her back away in the back of my closet. God I hate this. I stood there like a fool and couldn't even tell my oldest friend? Why did I have to be such a coward?

Then I start to blame Tori. I start to resent Tori, something I thought I'd never do. I resent her for making me feel weak, for making me vulnerable, for making me feel the pain of heartache I vowed to never let back in after Beck left me standing, waiting by the door. I start to blame her for making me lie to the most reliable thing in my life. I start to hold her accountable for everything that's gone wrong. It's not my fault that we are unofficially taking a break; it's her fault for pushing me too much. It's her fault for trying to make me assent and change and do something I'm not comfortable with. If she can't accept me for me, every little thing I am, than we aren't meant to be.

I am Jade West. I am strong. I am powerful. I am the most legendary H.B.I.C to ever arrive at Hollywood Arts. My only weakness is Tori Vega… and she was perhaps the most dangerous weakness anyone can have. Because no matter how much I try to let go, try to blame her, try to start again without her, she'll always have a hold on my heart and I'll never be able to quite let go.

It's 11: 30am Monday. I am surviving without Tori. I am surviving because I am a survivor and I don't need Tori anymore… or at least, that's what I try to tell myself.

I stroll around the hallways. I've made it through half a day in the same building as Vega. I even saw her earlier, standing at her locker; the same perky smile on her face. She doesn't look any different. She doesn't look like her heart was broken at all. That's what hurts the most. As I stand here, trying not to run over and apologize and take her in my arms and promise her anything in the world just to get her back, she stands there, appearing unphased as ever as she talks to Robbie and André about tinklade.

'Come on Jade,' I coax myself, 'snap out of it. You need to be strong. You need to look like Vega. Keep your head. You can do it.' So I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and get ready to face a foe more vicious than the serial killer from 'The Scissoring.'

I try to walk down towards Tori, André, and Robbie as if nothing were wrong. Thankfully, from all the times where I had to resist not screwing Tori right in them middle of H.A before, I had learned a good deal of self-restraint. "So this Saturday night I'm going to be appearing in tinkle-aid?" I ask, trying to sound wazzed off. Normally I would be pissed, except I was too focused on Tori. Even though I wasn't looking at her, to remain inconspicuous, I caught glances of her from my peripherals.

Robbie gives me a dorky, all-too proud look as André adds, "Beck and I did not approve the name."

"When my brother was little he used to have a tinklade stand," cuts in Cat weirdly. "It was so cute. He used to sit there all day, yelling tinklade twenty five cents a cup!" She laughs her signature Cat laugh that is so happy and bubbly it only makes me feel even shittier.

"I hope you mean he had a lemonade stand," Tori responds.

Cat laughs that annoyingly addictive laugh and responds, "No." Of course not, Cat's brother is fucked up.

"Well… um… I'm getting kind of hungry. You guys wanna hit up Nozu?" Tori's ambitious to invite me along, even after everything.

What do I say? Should I respond? I really don't want sushi, but maybe fighting against her will look like I'm trying too hard. She'll realize something is severely wrong. If I just say 'yeah' it'll prove how indifferent I am to our 'break-up.' So I say it, I say yes.

"Oh come on, we always go to Nozu," complains Robbie. "I want a hamburger." I silently thank Robbie for speaking up and remind myself not to beat him up too bad the next time I feel the urge to severely maim him.

"Yeah, I need some beef and fat," André says, rubbing his belly.

"Ew," says the redhead, thoroughly disgusted. Tori and I both genuinely agree with her.

"Oh come on," Robbie says.

"We want sushi!" Cat argues.

"No we've had sushi three times this week already," Robbie argues.

"Come on, let's just go to Karaoke Dokie and get a burger," says André, fighting on Robbie's side.

"We're going for sushi," I say ending the conversation. Shit! Maybe that sounds like I'm backing Vega too much. Like I'm trying too hard to get into her good graces. I can just say that I'm not doing that to be with her, I'm doing that to show that I can agree with Tori and not be conflicted or kiss-uppy.

"Alright fine," says a dejected André

"Sushi at Nozu," replies the well-known wimp.

"Hey," says Beck, walking up to us.

"Oh hey," says Tori perkily. She knows it pisses me off when they talk. "You wanna come to Nozu with us?" I hate Tori sometimes! I can't help that I'm very… protective about her, I hate it when she talks to other guy/girls. She's bi-sexual so it doesn't matter what the gender, which just means I have more fucking competition for her heart.

"Oh I can't, my friend Moose just got here from Canada," says Beck, over pronunciating the 'C' in Canada.

"You have a friend named Moose?" Asks Tori, unabashedly laughing.

"Yeah, I haven't seen him since Fifordoon," he replies.

"What's Fifordoon?" Cat asks the question we're all wondering. God Tori looks so sexy when she's confused. Why does she have to look so sexy?

"Oh, in Canada, that's what we call Kindergarten." FML! Beck is being all sexy and foreign; Tori can't resist foreign culture and shit like that.

"Wow, that's not interesting," I reply blandly, trying to make him shut up and sound less foreign-y. For the first time today Tori looks back at me, she gives me a 'did you really just say that' look. Me, being me, can't look up and meet her. When I don't look back her eyes droop a little bit and she turns around. Maybe she was hurting?

"So where's Moose?" Cat asks.

"Up on the roof, taking pictures of the Hollywood sign." Ugh! How very tourist of him.

"Well, uh, we're gonna be at Nozu if you wanna come join us later!"

"Beck cuts in, "Oh here he comes!" He points at the stairs and I just wanna throttle his neck for talking over Tori just to acknowledge this stupid Moose guy. Seriously, who names their kid after an animal?

"Oh hey all," he says. He seems friendly. I hate that. I guess most would call that good looking. He has crystal clear blue eyes and a dazzling smile. He wore a giant Elkwood Varsity jersey. If it had been seven months ago when I was still into guys I would've been all over him. Now I was only into Tori.

"Guys, this is my friend Moose," says Beck.

I look over at Tori to see what she thinks. And she couldn't have been more obvious about her attraction if she was holding up a sign that said, 'Moose fuck me now!' Obviously, this meant war. I could either attack Moose and give him such life threatening injuries that he would no longer be handsome or I could go into a jealousy war with Tori. Normally I'd choose the first one but then I'd need to clean off my scissors from all the blood, find a way not implicate myself with the crime, and it just seemed like way too much work. Jealousy war it is.

Putting on my best smile and my most sultry voice I reply, "Yeah, we know."

"From Fluffernugget," says Cat, twirling her hair trying to attract Moose's attention. Fucking hell! She has a thing for Moose too! Well then, I'll just have to beat them both.

"It's Fifordoon," says Beck with that smile he always used when he was correcting Cat.

"He sure is," says Cat, poking Moose in the stomach. God if those two get together we're going to have an animal named couple in H.A. That's almost as bad as Tori getting with Moose. Almost.

"Uh… Moose, we were all about to grab some," she snaps her fingers and gives him a flirty smile, "Sushi if you wanna come?"

"Uh… I'm not into eating raw fish," he replies. Ugh! Why would Tori have anything to do with this guy? He doesn't even like sushi! I wonder if he's even worth my time. "I'm more of a burger and fries guy."

Tori gasps loudly. She sounds like Vivien Leigh in 'A Streetcar named Desire.' Her voice is all breathy and over exaggerated. "Oh! A burger sounds great."

"Yes," I pitch in. Moose cannot forget about me. Tori's been hogging his full attention for nearly ten seconds. I know exactly how attractive she is, and if she wants him she can get him in ten seconds.

"So great," says Cat. "Let's go get burgers!" Cat couldn't pull of sexy with that voice. That's why this task will be a helluva lot easier.

"We could go to… Karaoke Dokie," I say, using the boys' idea. Eyes on me Moose! Eyes on me! Away from Tori! She's mine. Tori hand hits my arm lightly in agreement and I can't help but get a shiver down my spine. Touch me again! "I'll drive," I volunteer. Please Tori, please sit shotgun.

We all pile into my car. I'm driving, Beck is riding shotgun, Moose is in the back, Cat is so close to Moose that they're practically sharing the same seat (which says a lot because Moose is so big), André and Robbie are sitting comfortably, and Tori is literally sitting on Moose's lap. I try to drive as erratically as possible. Making sure I go crazy fast on every turn so that Tori falls off of Moose's lap.

"Jade," says Tori warily, "Could you please go a little slower?"

I turn up the radio. "Can't hear you!"

"Jade, stop being so childish," she says.

I turn down the radio. "I'm not being childish," I whine, sounding ten times more childish.

"Just because of what happened on Friday doesn't mean that you have to be all mean and angry."

"What happened on Friday?" André asks.

I ignore him. "Are you saying I'm mean and angry?" I ask.

"You know what I mean," says Tori, desperate to say the right thing.

"What happened on Friday?" André asks again.

"Nothing that concerns you," I reply. "This isn't about what happened on Friday," I say. It so is. "This is about safety. You're head will go out the window if you sit on Moose's lap."

"So now you care?" She accuses me of not caring? All I do is care and care and care. I care so much it hurts.

"I don't care." It hurts so much to say that I'm gripping my steering wheel just so I can hold onto reality and not take it back. "But if the cops find out you're sitting on his lap I'll be the one who gets ticketed." I play it off successfully.

"So you never cared?" Tori accuses me again. I remain silent. That's all I can do. If I say I care everybody will question me. If I say I care everybody will come down on me with the force of a thousand snowstorms. So even though it hurts both of us I don't say anything, I just remain silent. It's all I can do.

"I knew it." Her eyes glare at me. I wanna break down crying.

"What's going on?" Moose asks, looking between Tori and Beck.

"I'd like to know that too," says Beck, looking pointedly at me.

"Nothing," says Tori. She runs her fingers through his oily, blonde hair and it makes me sick just to watch. So I concentrate on the road. I look away from Tori who I can hear giggling at Moose's dumb jokes and Cat who fondles his arms. I still laugh when Moose tells the worst joke in history, trying to get his attention on me and not Tori, but it hurts. As I smile in the mirror so that Moose can see I notice how much it hurts. I just want Tori back, but I don't even know where to begin.