I just came back from this awesome-tastic vacation with one of my best friend's. It was awesome and we went to Florida with her parents. Fuck Yeah! It was awesome and I got to write this under the breeze of the palm trees and with the sounds of the ocean in my ear. :p you are all officially jealous! Anyways, please enjoy. We're nearing the end 2-3 more chapters left and our simple journey will be over I believe.
Two Weeks Later…
"Hey," says Tori, friendly but distant and lost. It's been like this for the past two weeks. She's been nice and friendly, but one thousand miles away. I'm not the only one that's noticed, our entire gang has, but they all know better than to comment.
"Um…hi," I say awkwardly clearing my throat. This is the first time we've been alone together since the break-up.
We both sit there in awkward silence. Neither of us knows what to say, even though we both have a fair amount to say. It's like when you both know you hate each other but neither of you want to break the uneasy treaty between you two. I'm no coward, but even I know better than to take this fight head on. For once, I'm not going to be the one to start this clash, especially since I know Tori's got the moral high ground, as always. Eventually the silence becomes too much to stand and I'm forced to speak. "How's your burrito?" I ask, still carefully tip-toeing around the big bomb ready to explode at any second.
"Good," she responds tersely.
We sit like that for a few minutes, me picking at my salad and her eating her burrito. To anybody else we look the same as always, but there's high-tension in the air between us. I'd been counting in my head, three minutes and thirty-four seconds of awkward silence until Tori finally slammed her fork down harshly on the table. "Are you serious? Badass Jade is avoiding confrontation?"
"Um…" I stutter. I want to tell her I'm not avoiding it, even though I am, and that I am a badass, even though right now I feel like the exact opposite. I try to muster up some words of retaliation but I missed my morning coffee earlier today and whenever Tori's involved I don't exactly think straight, example a being that I kissed Moose.
"No, let me finish," interrupts Tori. Is it so wrong that I find her hotheaded-ness really hot? Knowing that Tori is always aware of what I'm thinking I quickly focus back on her words rather than how incredible she was looking right now. "I could've lived with you happily—forever. Why did you even do it Jade?" She pauses, clearly waiting for me to respond.
I take a moment to think, clear my head, and come up with a biting, witty response. When I respond, "I don't even know," I'm taken aback. Why wasn't I fighting back?
"You cheated on me and you don't even know why?" Tori accuses in disbelief. I weigh my options for a moment. I could either admit the real reason why I did it, because I was jealous and insecure and hurt and just wanted Tori to love me the way I love her, no matter how twisted, masochistic way. Or, I could stick to my innocent, "I don't know."
Instead I just respond, "I never cheated on you." I say it calmly even though I'm freaking out inside. "We were never together then." I sound heartless, like I don't even care. I can't tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing?
"We hadn't even been broken up for twenty-four hours," points out Tori. "That's practically cheating."
"Is not," I warn petulantly. At least that calm, monotonous tone in my voice is gone. Now, I sound like an insolent, wretched child.
"Yes it is," insists Tori, staying true to her resolve.
"It didn't even mean anything," I argue, sounding more mature and less childish.
"Isn't that even worse?" Tori asks.
The question hangs in the air.
"Of course it's not," I respond. "My emotions, my feelings—fuck it—my love, always remained true to you," I confess.
"And youwere still comfortable kissing him while you loved me? At least if you had cheated on me in the name of love for somebody else I could've known it wasn't for nothing," says Tori sadly. I watch as her face drops and her voice quiets. "If you had really loved me the way I know I deserve you never would've kissed him." She says it clear and as simple as day. She's right, if I did love her the way she deserves I wouldn't have kissed Moose at all. But I don't. I don't love her the way she deserves. I love her in a way that I can't help. I know she deserves better but damn it, I'm not a martyr. The way I love her is the worst way possible, I know I'm inferior and that I don't deserve her, but I refuse to let her go. I cling to her like a drug.
"Yes, okay, I fucked up," I admit. "I'm just one major fuck-up after another. I'm sorry," I say sincerely. "Okay, I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear because I mean it, I honest to God mean it. Now, will you please say you forgive me? Please?" I sound pathetic. I'm begging. Jade West doesn't beg. Yet I couldn't care less right now. As long as she takes me back I'd beg ten thousand times on my knees. I need my drug.
I wait silently for her to answer as she flicks some food back and forth on her plate, pondering carefully. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, she responds. "Until you change, really change, I will never forgive you Jadelyn West. I may love you, but I also respect myself too much to get caught up in your string of betrayl and lies."
Her word is final.
We sit there in silence. I know there's nothing I can say to convince her I've changed. How can I convince somebody to accept something I can't even believe?
***3G&AM***
Change. If I want her back I have to change. The question is… how?
I quickly run to my nightstand and pull out my notebook. This is where I wrote my first ever play. If I'm going to change I'm going to need this. Time to go to the drawing board.
***3G&AM***
"Did you see the Northridge girls walking past us? Damn, I would tap that," comments Rex Powers crudely.
"What about Northridge?" asks Tori curiously, joining us.
"Looking real fine," sums up Rex. "There's this new girl with them, makes me start imagining things in the bedroom if you know what I mean." I cringe, just imagining the perverted puppet winking with the devil in his eye.
"What?" Asks Cat innocently.
I'm about to tell the puppet to shut the fuck up, but then I remember that I'm trying to change. Fuck this is a lot of hard work. Tori. You are doing this for Tori. You are doing this so you can win Tori back. Tori! Tori! Tori! Between gritted teeth I manage to get out, "Please be quiet, Rex."
The entire table sits in shock that I hadn't even throttled anybody's neck or thrown Rex across the table. I don't think, apart from Tori, anybody's ever heard me say please. "You called him Rex," murmurs Robbie in disbelief. "You've never called him his real name before." A smile that makes me want to hurl appears on Robbie's face.
"Wait, what did Rex mean when he was talking about the bedroom?" Cat asks once again.
"Nothing Kitty-Cat," I respond.
***3G&AM***
"I'm screwed," André announces as Cat, Beck, and I crowd around Tori's locker. What is that smell? Is Tori wearing a new perfume? Vanilla. I quickly wipe any quickly-forming drool from my mouth before anyone can see.
"Yeah, you do look like you need to be screwed. You look uptight, sex can fix that," I comment nonchalantly, jumping back into the game.
"André sends me a glare. "Not what I meant," he hisses. "Andrew just assigned me to write a new song and I have no one to sing vocals with me! Anybody free this weekend, Tori?" He looks directly at the beautiful Latina.
"I'm so sorry but Trina's got a thing. She insists I come so I can learn from her or something," Tori says, using finger quotes around 'learn from her.'
André looks around despondently. "Cat?"
"My little brother can finally have visitors in the fun hospital!" Cat says excitedly. We all share a look, wondering whether her parents had told her 'fun hospital' in place of mental asylum.
"Look, I'm not busy and I've got the best vocals in this school," I comment arrogantly. Jut because I'm trying to be nice doesn't mean I can make it obvious; I still have to keep my Jade-cool. "I'll push my scary movie marathon to next weekend and help you out."
As the bell rings André gives me a quick, manly shoulder pat type thing before thanking me profusely thanking me and running happily down the hall.
"That was really nice of you to offer," syas Tori with a gracious smile. As she walks away I fist-pump the air. She's noticing! I'm changing, being nicer, and she's noticing. Yes!
***3G&AM***
Time after time I was nice or offered what services I could. When Cat's house was being fumigated I offered for her and her crazy family to stay at my place. I gave Sinjin a piece of gum I knew George Clooney had once chewed. I offered Beck a free can of lemonade, and it wasn't even his birthday. I know that Tori's been noticing all my good deeds too, I can tell she has. It's been a long time coming and I've had to be very patient but I can feel it. She's right on the verge of letting me back in, and once she does, she'll be screaming my name before she knows it.
"Hey there Vega," I say, sliding in next to her at the lunch table. The rest of the gang is already here and chowing down on their burrito's, burgers, and salads.
"Hey Jade," she says kindly. Over the past few weeks we've definitely gotten nice—even friendly towards each other.
After comfortably enjoying lunch in silence for a little while Tori suddenly pops up and begins waving her hands like a lunatic.
My eyes slowly follow her gaze and fearful venom shoots up my spine. I've seen her in pictures. The signature red hair, long legs I could never compete with, and loving smile on her face told me everything I needed to know. Heather, Tori's ex-girlfriend who had moved away because of her father's job, was back. Worse, she still loved Tori, and Tori still loved her.