What Just Happened?
I can't move. Am I breathing? My heart is running a mile a minute and beating so loudly it's drowning out any other sound. I look at Jade, standing up there, waiting patiently, expectantly, for me to respond. I'm feeling lightheaded. Has global warming finally come and drowned out all the oxygen?
This is all I've ever wanted. After months of begging for her to come out and to just be with me, to screw the rest of the world, she finally does. She walked up there, professed her love, and sang me my favorite song in the world. I still love her. How could I say no?
Heather. That's how I could say no. My heart may still love Jade, but that doesn't mean it loves Heather any less. There was Heather who was my entire world before she moved with great legs, a kind mind, and a good heart. Then there was Jade who has been a whole new world. She's been secrets and seduction and moments in my bedroom where nobody but me can see her soft side, her gentle side. Yet she's mean and her heart has become a bit chilled through the storm of life. What am I supposed to do when I want both?
Heather is better for me. Heather won't break my heart in the same ways Jade has. Jade broke my heart because she wanted to, for her own self-preservation, Heather only broke it because she was forced to, like a gun held to her head. Yet, doesn't this prove that Jade has changed? She strutted up there and proudly asked me to be her girlfriend, in front of the school no less. Heather is safe. Heather is good for me, better for me than Jade. She'll take good care of me. I won't ever have to worry about her sporadically leaving me for somebody else or playing a game of who can make who jealous first. So why does my heart still want Jade? Even after all the cons she provides I still want to go back to her. I still want her. Heather and I got cut off before our time before; don't I deserve it to her to see it through? But my heart wants Jade… does it?
It's only then that I realize that I've been standing here, motionlessly; in the cafeteria making Jade and everybody else wait for my answer. I notice all the eyes burning on me. They want to know my decision. They want to know who I choose, what I choose. I can feel them moving in closer and closer and closer. Is it getting a little bit hot in here? I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic. They're waiting for an answer but what do I say? There's a little voice in the back of my head telling me to run. I have no other options. I run.
I don't even pay attention to where I'm going. I let my body lead. My mind is too focused on what the hell do I do now? Jade is danger and excitement and intrigue and really hot sex. Heather is gentle and romantic and reliable. Before I know what's happening I'm back by my locker. Well I'm already stuck between a rock and a hard place, might as well make that hard place my locker.
I walk over to my locker, shining on with no disappointments or hard decisions, and I fall back against it. The cool metal feels amazing on the open parts in the back of my shirt. It's relaxing, like I've been overheating and this is my ice bath. I just want to stay like this forever. There's no pressure or decisions or feelings. It's just… nothing. I'm not thinking. I'm not feeling. It's just me.
And then I hear it, "Tori!" I'm snapped out of the spell. I'm back in reality with a decision on my hands and a thousand and one different reasons why not to choose. "Tori?" Wait… I recognize that voice.
Before I can even finish my thought she appears. "Heather," I say breathlessly. She's wearing a beautiful red dress with flowers and lace lining. There's a velvet blue box in her hand, it's the long kind holding maybe a necklace or a watch. Her cheeks are three shades lighter than her fiery red hair. She heard everything Jade said. I can see it in her eyes, ten shades of somber that I've only ever seen once before, the last time we broke up.
"You heard?"
"I heard," she confirms. An awkward tension lags through the air as we both wonder what my decision will be. She doesn't want to ask and I can't answer but the inevitable is inevitable for a reason, it must come. "So what are you going to do?" Her voice is hoarse.
That's what I realize. I may love Jade and maybe we could've been amazing together. I used to doodle Mrs. Tori West in the margins and I would plan out our wedding, I'd be in white and she'd be in black. Now my mind has both Heather and Jade waiting for me at the end, shifting back and forth. I love Jade, I love Jade in ways I can't describe and in ways that will never fade but I can't break Heather's heart when I know I love her too. I'm with Heather now. I promised her when we got back together that I would work for us. We're together now. Heather and I deserve to have our full run. I owe her that much.
"I choose you Heather," I promise. I expect her eyes to brighten, for a smile to light her face, for her to kiss me, but none of it happens. Her eyes stay miserable and the frown doesn't leave. She just stands there in silence. "Heather?"
"Give me your wrist," she says quietly. I do. She lifts her arm and opens the box revealing the most beautiful bracelet I've ever seen: gold with a microphone charm on it. "I love you Tori."
"I love you too," I respond.
"I know you love me," she responds with a small, sad smile. "That doesn't change that you love Jade too."
"I don't," I swear. I do, but that doesn't mean that I'm choosing her.
"I was there when Jade stood and sang to you and I've been there every single date we've had," she looks into my eyes fiercely, daring me not to lie. I tried," she gulps, "to ignore the signs. I thought of you all the time when we were apart and I remembered the look on your face every single time you used to see me. It's not there anymore. When you saw Jade get up there and sing though, I saw it. I saw the glimmer of a smile that tells the whole world what your thinking. I used to be the one you wanted but I know I'm not anymore."
"You are the one I want—" I begin to argue.
"Tori, we both know it's true. We had our time together and it was," she chuckles, "one of the best times of my life, but it's up. You moved on while I was gone and that girl, singing and begging for you to be her girlfriend, is who you moved on to. I was just holding on to the memories and hoping things could go back to the way things were. But as S.E Hinton said, 'That was then, this is now.'"
"I still love you," I say helplessly. We both know it's over. There's nothing I can say to convince her and there's nothing I can say to convince myself.
"But you don't love me like somebody you want to be with, share a house with, come home and yell, "I'm home honey" too. That's Jade. She's the one you belong with now and I have to accept that, so do you."
Tears well up in both of our eyes. Heather was the first girl I was ever with. Heather was my first girl, my first time, and my first real love. That won't just disappear. I told her everything. She wasn't just my girlfriend. "You were my first love and my best friend."
"You were mine too," she swears. It's the ending of something. It's more than just a break-up. It's letting go of my past with Heather and moving on with Jade. It's acceptance and the loss of something that was once so magical. We hug for the last time. I just want to stay there forever, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go, but it has to end at some point. I let go.
Heather sniffles and makes a quick brush at her eyes, "Now go get her tiger, before you lose her for good."
"So I'll see you around?" I ask hopefully.
She doesn't respond. She just smiles one last time and walks away. Just like that she walks out the door and out of my life.
I walk back slowly to where Jade is, still processing what just happened. By the time I get there the entire cafeteria is buzzing with gossip. Voices grow hushed and fingers are pointed as I walk by. My eyes scan for Jade. This is what Heather wanted for me, the least I can do for her is this.
"Where's Jade?" I ask the blonde surfer, Eli.
"Last I saw she went to the bathroom, man, that was cold! Bitch deserves a taste of her own medicine."
"Shut up," I scowl at him. I run out of the cafeteria and race to the bathroom. I can hear the sounds of something shredding from outside and for a moment I hesitate. Am I sure about this? What if Jade won't take me now? What if I'm not ready for this, I literally JUST broke up with Heather. Then I hear something, something foreign that I've only heard once before. Jade was crying. All other fears and insecurities dissipated, I charged into the bathroom.
Jade was in there, a toilet paper machine ripped off the wall of one of the stalls being chewed up by scissors and tears, sitting sadly on the floor. As soon as I walked in she looked up, ready to yell at whoever had interrupted her sad song of heartbreak. Her eyes instantly softened when she saw it was me. "Tori? What are you doing in here?"
"Looking for you," I reply.
"Why?" She asks, continuing to cut angrily.
"Heather just broke up with me." Jade's head shoots up instantaneously. I can see a spark of hope flash through those majestic blues before it disappears, defeated by my previous actions. "Heather just ripped my heart out because of you, because she knows I still love you." Jade's eyes light up again. "I still love you," I state. "For some reason I still love you. I love your eyes, the danger you bring, your spontaneity, and your mood swings. I love everything about you. But just because I love you doesn't mean I'll be with you." Her face doesn't change, it's impassive, but her eyes darken once again. "I can't be with somebody who's going to hurt me all the time. I won't choose you, no matter how much I care for you, no matter how passionately I adore you, if I know that your just going to keep hurting me again and again. I have too much self-respect for that. How do I know you won't hurt me?" I had never been this direct in my previous relationship with Jade. I had forever been nervous, submissive, and too afraid that she'd disappear and I'd break. I know now that I'm strong. I will break if she hurts me again, but I also know that I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces and move on from her, once and for all.
Jade gets up slowly, dropping her scissors to the ground. She takes one step forward, "Last night I went on a date with Beck," she states. Why is she telling me this? Why does she tell me, not only something I already know, but something that will remind me of all the hurt in our relationship. She never said it but I always knew there was a part of her that still cared for Beck. His opinion still mattered to her, he was one of the reasons she would never come out with me. Is she going to reject me just to spite me for running away from her? Is this her way of telling me she's going to keep hurting me over and over again? "He told me he knew about us. He told me that he could tell from the way I looked at you, from the way I acted around you and the way you acted around me, that we were dating. He told me that he could tell I was in love with you." She takes another step forward as my breath hitches in my neck. "He asked me why I really asked him out when he knew all I wanted to be was with you." She takes another step forward.
I gulp but try to remain strong. I keep my poker face, "What did you say?"
"I told him that you scared me," she says. She takes another step forward. I notice her face. She's weak, she's vulnerable, and she's laying all of her cards out on the table.
"I scare you?"
"You scare me," she confirms. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in the world. You have the most perfect cheekbones and the silkiest hair and the most expressive chocolate brown eyes. You have the kindest heart I've ever encountered. You wouldn't dare hurt a fly, yet you've punctured my heart. I'm not worthy of you, but I try to be anyways. You scare me. You scare me that you're not real and that I'm just a pawn in your game." She takes a step forward. One more step and we'll be close enough to kiss.
"I never wanted to come out with you because I was afraid of what people would say and what people would think, but I was far more afraid that I would come out and you'd leave me stranded. You'd realize that you were too good for me. When I cheated on you with Moose I just wanted to regain my confidence, my feeling of superiority. I wanted to be better than you at something so I could prove that maybe, just maybe, I was worth you." She takes the last and final step. Her cool mint breath brushes my face and I close my eyes, indulging in the long missed smell.
"I've never wanted to hurt you. I promise with everything I have, I will never hurt you again. I will make all your days shine. I will make them shine," she chuckles. I laugh. "Choose me Tori, because I've already chosen you, and I don't think I'll ever choose anybody else."
I laugh. "You are worth me and so much more," I promise against her lips. "I. Choose. You."
"You choose me?" She asks with a smile that was so bright I knew that she would make all my days shine from now until the end of my days.
"Nobody else." Our lips meet and it's what's I've been missing for weeks. It's sweet but passionate. It's hard but gentle. It's daring but slow. It's a promise that Jade will never hurt me again. It's a promise that I choose her. It's the moment that sealed our fate.
Basically the end of our story! There's one more chapter after this, an epilogue of sorts where we see them years later. I hope you guys loved this as much as I did. I'm so sorry that I sapified Jade so much. I think those bad boys with good hearts thing has been rubbing off on me far too much. I love you all!