August 13, 2008

Dear Mom,

I didn't sleep well last night. I think it's taking me a really long time to get fully adjusted to my new room. Or maybe it's not taking me too long. After all, I've only been here for two days.

I think I'm making aunt Kathy upset, because I'm not taking to her hospitality too well. I don't really mean to make her feel bad, mommy. I just don't know what to do here.

I miss Maddie and I miss Dallas too. I had a dream about you last night. I miss you so much, mommy. Sometimes, I think about how I just left Maddie at home. Do you think she's okay? I think she is. Daddy always treated her very good. I'm friends with Dallas on Facebook, and she seems to be enjoying Texas State a whole lot. She messaged me last night and asked me how I was adjusting, but I couldn't find it in my heart to message her back. I know it's not good to think this way, but sometimes I really hate Dallas. I understand that she has to have her own life, and for that reason, she had to go to college. But she could've taken care of me and Maddie, right? Since she's over 18.

Do you still love me, mommy? I know you see that I'm trying to adjust, but it's so hard. I know you always said that the last thing you wanted was for your girls to get split up, but how could we have helped that? You told me to write you letters whenever I feel sad, but that's all the time. I can't write to you all the time, can I?

I'm trying real hard to be strong, mommy. Like you asked me to be. I'm trying to be strong, so I only cry at night. I guess that's why I didn't get much sleep last night.

I miss Daddy too, you know. He wasn't always nice to me, but I miss him. Even when he used to give me beatings whenever I did something wrong. I miss him. But I understand that he could only take Maddie because he's her actual real daddy.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I don't know where you are, mommy. I wish I had some place to put you. I wish I knew where you were. I wish I knew that you were okay. I love you mommy. Please write soon. Until next time,

Love always,

Demi.

I'm really sleepy. I'm always tired anymore. I have to start getting more sleep before school starts, otherwise I just won't be going.

It smells like my aunt Kathy is cooking, so I get up from my comfortable desk chair and pull on a pair of pajama pants. I even put on the only pair of slippers I packed. They're yellow and really rundown, but they're the only pair I have.

As I walk down the stairs, I'm greeted by the scents of sausage, bacon, eggs and I think I smell oranges too.

"Good morning Demi. I hope you're hungry." My aunt greets me. It's weird that she knew it was me, because she didn't even turn to look. Her back is turned to me as she's scrambling up some eggs, and she never budged.

"Morning." I croak. My voice sounds so raspy from my lack of sleep. I put my hand on my cheek and close my eyes and rest a little.

She scrapes the eggs into a big glass bowl with a spatula and finally turns around. "…Jesus Demi. Did you get hit by a train?"

"Huh?"

"You look horrible…"

"Oh…"

She brings the bowl of eggs over and sits them on the table. She slings her arm around my shoulders and lovingly plays with my bangs. "Are you having a tough time sleeping?"

"Yes…" I admit.

"…I don't usually condone this. But I want you to eat some of this food and I'll give you one of my sleeping pills. You need to rest. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I don't know…" I don't feel like talking about this. I wish she'd just drop it.

"Is your bed not comfortable? Because I can run out and grab you a new mattress today."

"The bed is okay…" I scoop a little bit of eggs on my plate and grab a slice of toast.

"Is it the setup of the room then? You wanna switch it around?"

"No, it's fine." I grab two sausage links. I don't know why I'm piling so much food onto my plate. I'm not going to eat it all.

"…What is it, Demi? Please tell me what it is?"

My eyes are filling up with tears. I spear an egg on the end of my fork and nonchalantly put it in my mouth.

"Demi, honey. If there's anything I can do to make this easier on you, you have to let me know. I wanna help you…" My aunt is getting emotional, which is making me feel really bad.

"You can't do anything, Aunt Kathy. You just can't…" All I do is blink and these tiny little rivers just stream down my cheeks.

"There has to be something. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because you don't have anyone to talk to."

I slide my barstool out from the island and get up. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Demi!"

I ignore her and go upstairs to my room. I flop on my comfortable bed and hold my pillow. I promised my mom I'd only cry at night, but I can't help it right now.

I just want to go back to my life three months ago. Three months ago, everything was alright. Three months ago, I lived in my house with my mommy, my two sisters and my stepdad. Three months ago, I loved my life.

I hear a knock on my door. God, will my aunt just leave me alone?

I sniff slightly. "Come in…"

She opens my door. "Demi, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I won't say anything else… will you just eat this for me?" She offers out my plate of food that I made downstairs.

I take the plate of food and put it in my lap. I chew a piece of bacon.

Aunt Kathy sits down on the edge of my bed and rubs my bare foot. She's touching me so gently, as if she's afraid I'll break. "…You wanna get out of the house later tonight? Just you and me? We'll go see a movie."

"…Sure." I swallow my food and sip some orange juice she brought me.

"Which one do you wanna go see? There's that Mamma Mia movie. Or The Dark Knight. What about Iron Man?"

"I don't care what we see."

"You like animated stuff? That Rat movie came out. And so did um… Wall-E?"

"Ratatouille?"

"Yeah that little Disney movie. It looked cute from the previews."

"Yeah… um… I guess we can go see the Batman movie."

"The Dark Knight it is." She pats my ankle as she stops rubbing my foot. "You wanna go out for dinner too?"

I shrug.

"I'll show you Cabela's. It's this real nice restaurant that's on the beach. You'll love it. They got real good food there, too."

"Sounds good."

She stands up from my bed and grabs my empty plate. I ate all my food, I must have been hungry.

"And here's that sleeping pill. Get some rest. I'll wake you up in a couple hours before we leave."

"Okay, Aunt Kath." I grab the pill and swallow it with some orange juice. She shuts my door behind her when she leaves and I lie in my bed, sleepily.

I really do feel better than what I felt this morning. I feel bad for freaking out on my aunt like I did, but I think she knows I'm sorry. I just had a really bad night. I lie in my comfortable new bed, thinking.

First I think about school.

I hate to admit it, but I'm getting really excited about school. I'm excited about the learning part, not the socialization part. I've always liked to learn. It just feels good to have my brain worked overtime. I love learning new things. I've never been good at making friends, though. I'll really try to make friends, but I'll try even harder not to make an ass of myself. I wonder how Florida people act. Are they preppy or are they just… chill? I'm really afraid to go to school and meet new people. What if they don't like me?

Next, I think about my birthday. The big sixteen is coming up in a few days. I'm gonna be sixteen! I'll be able to start driving, I'll get my driver's license and I'll be taken a little more seriously. It's kind of sad how my mom won't be here to celebrate my sweet sixteen with me though. I don't want to be sad, so I put that thought out of my mind.

Finally, I think about the kind of clothes I'm going to have my aunt buy me for school. I don't want to spend a lot of money, because I never had money like that to spend back at home. But I admit that it feels good to finally have the money to wear what everyone else is wearing. Hollister, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret, jeans that don't come from Walmart. Oh goodness, I'm actually excited to go shopping!

I'm actually kind of excited to start a new school, too. People at school back home didn't think I was pretty. Nobody really liked me. But maybe if I start this new school, I can start over. I can reinvent myself. Maybe this is exactly what I need.

You know, sometimes I scare myself how I can go from one extreme to another. I don't think it's normal. Maybe I have some internal thing that's wrong with me. Or maybe this is all part of a coping process.

Whatever this is, I guess it's better than me picking up a razor blade like I used to.

I tire myself out with all the thinking I do.

Aunt Kathy's sleeping pill is starting to kick in, so I roll over on my side in my bed and I give myself to sleep.