~Sunday 8 November 1981 – Morning, My Room
I woke up confused again. I'm still not used to this. I think I will wake up in terror for the rest of my life - always wondering where I am – fumbling frantically for my wand thinking attack is upon me. Of course I am just here… alone in the room.
Starting to think I should write faster. There is nothing but time, and yet what looms ahead of me… If I don't have this all figured out before I have to do it, things will be that much more difficult for me. So now I must deal with what we said to each other after the trial… would that I hadn't said many of those things…
~Dumbledore's Office and the Question of My Fate
Even thought my senses were slowly coming back to me, I had little memory of returning to the office after the trial. I knew my wand had been given back to me, for I felt its blessed presence pressing into the back of my left arm where it lay once again in my sleeve. I was beyond grateful to have it, that much I knew… I knew we had disapparated and crossed the lawn. I vaguely recalled trouping through the corridors with out passing a soul living or dead. I still wasn't quite sure what day it was. I knew it was night, for the gas lamps lit the office and the sky outside was black, clear and full of stars. November stars… so I knew it was November.
I stood uncomfortably in the corner while Dumbledore busied himself about the room. I remember looking down upon my dirty boots while I nervously kicked at the gold pattern on the crimson carpet. I felt as if I could some how rearrange the thing by doing so. I kept at it for a few minutes, but still Dumbledore acted as if he were oblivious to my presence.
I didn't know what to do or say. The trial had left me so shaken. I felt I had been violated, exposed - forced to admit to things I had no desire to reveal to anyone. It was mortifying. I couldn't help but feel that I had done something wrong. Though I had followed the script, it still felt clumsy… as if I had run backwards up a hill. Yes I had made it through more or less, but I had stumbled so often along the way…
Why wasn't Dumbledore saying anything? He wouldn't even look at me. I didn't want to be the one to speak first, but I had to. It was going to be awkward one way or another, so I finally broke the silence. "I did my best sir," I said. My voice was weak as if I had not used it in ages. Still I knew he had heard me - even though he continued to return books to a nearby shelf. "Was that all right?" I said again slightly louder to prompt a response.
This time Dumbledore turned around, he was beaming, "As a matter of fact, that could not have gone better if I had scripted it myself."
What did he mean? I was troubled by this statement, though I was not quite sure why. "Crouch didn't seem convinced." I told him.
"That is all to the best," he said nothing else. He just sighed pleasantly as he returned to his stack of books.
"So…" I was about to say something else, when I finally understood, "So he will always suspect me…"
"I rather imagine he will." Again he spoke calmly, almost jovial.
"And…" I said slowly, trying to remain calm… "everyone else will always be suspicious of me as well."
"There is a rather good chance that they will Severus, yes." Now he gave me his full attention.
I looked him straight in the eye. "And if The Dark Lord returns, and I am suspected to be a loyal Death Eater by the whole of the Wizarding World, then the lie becomes the truth. He will believe me to be just as loyal as the day I joined him."
"Yes," Dumbledore said seeming far too proud. I grew all the more agitated by this. Dumbledore was either far to pleased with his own perceived brilliance or was far too surprised by my ability to string it all together. The arrogance of that man…
"You did this on purpose," I told him. I made no effort to hide my frustration from him. "You made me do this when I was least able to defy you or even take notice of what it was you were doing to me," I did not raise my voice, if anything I was speaking softer just to let him know how offended I had been by what he had done to me. "You snatched me from this room while I was still sick with grief and you forced me before the whole of the Wizengamot when you knew I would be most compliant and would best look the part of a pathetic former Death Eater. You told me exactly what to do and say and I obeyed you with out question. To you, I was nothing more then a marionette."
"I am afraid you are correct, Severus. And I imagine that at this moment you are rather angry with me." I felt that was an unnecessary thing for him to say. "I do hope in future you will forgive me. In time, you will see that I have acted in everyone best interests."
I was too angry, there were several things I wanted to say in that moment… but I knew it would be unwise to speak the full extent of my rage. Instead I stared down at the floor again. I was fuming over the injustice. How was it acting in everyone's best interests to allow me - after all I had done - to walk free? I am sick at the thought, for I hate to think that my tainted presence would be permitted anywhere near to the pure in this world. I cannot be near people. God forbid I would pass on the poison of my corruption unwittingly to them. I've hurt everyone who has gotten close to me. It was all so wrong, how could the Ministry set me free?
The concept of guilt and justice began to consume me. Terrible thoughts and repressed emotions awoke within me.
"Where is he?" The words had erupted from my mouth before my mind had even formed them.
"He?" Even Dumbledore was alarmed by my sudden statement, "Whom do you mean Severus?"
"Him." I spoke half in a whisper, and half in a growl. I scowled at Dumbledore who stared back at me. Yes, see me now. I thought to myself - Am I a sickly child to you now? Are my eyes doe-like to you now? I tried to burn him with my stare yet still he said nothing.
Why does he always do this, why does he pretend not to know - "You know who I mean Dumbledore. Black. He gave them up to the Dark Lord – that's what the portraits said. I remember now! Was it him? Where is he Albus? Tell me now!"
"Severus." And now there was outright fear in Dumbledore's voice, "Don't you know?"
I gritted my teeth growled again at him - "If I didn't know, I wouldn't ask. Was it Black or not?"
Dumbledore's face lightened - he laughed! "Severus, how many of your memories did you remove?" He said this to me as if any of it was even remotely funny.
I closed my eyes. I thought I was going to explode. "Headmaster." I spoke as calmly as I could, "You know it doesn't work that way. Memories may be removed, but their echoes remain even when their exact image does not. Now, tell me – Was it Black?"
"Didn't you hear it from your Death Eater friends?" There was far too much amusement in his tone.
I clenched my fists. "I was on duty in the Hogshead. They kept me separated, remember?"
"And you heard nothing about what just happened? Why Severus, it is all anyone talks about!" Again he took far too much pleasure in telling me this.
I glared at him. "I was imprisoned in this office. You locked me in here, remember?"
"But you ran off." Dumbledore had to bring up, "That night just after it happened you were with me in this office, but you ran off. Certainly you learned of it then. In fact I thought you had gone to seek him out."
That did it. "I told you what I was doing!" I was going to kill him. One more comment purposely made to provoke me and I was going to kill him.
Dumbledore began to speak, "You told me nothing-"
But I cut him off. "I told you! I told you what I had done and where I had gone. Do you not trust me?"
"Of course I trust you," he said, but I did not believe in his sincerity. I knew he was lying and I meant to prove it. I narrowed my eyes and began staring intrusively past his spectacles straight through to his shifty blue eyes. "Do not waste your efforts Severus. I am a far better Occlumens then you."
"I doubt that." I said with no hesitation. No one, not even the great Albus Dumbledore can match me in the art of Occlumency. Not that it mattered. I did not need to employ Legilimens to ascertain the Headmaster's true feelings towards me. "You do not trust me – admit it!"
"Severus," he said sharply. Now Dumbledore was angry. He stood up from his desk and spoke with an authority I had rarely heard from him in all of my years at Hogwarts. "Based on your previous actions, I had deduced, that on that night, when you fled from this office, you meant either to seek revenge or to take your own life. You threatened this on several occasions, remember? And that, Severus, is why I locked you in this office."
I dropped my head instantly. I had not been expecting such a low blow from Dumbledore. What could I say to that? Again I looked at the pattern on the red carpet. Not wanting to think on my destructive desires, I took in the golden embroidery, and was filled with a sudden hatred for it - for all of my surroundings. No. I had been verbally reduced to nothing by Crouch already – I was not going to allow Dumbledore to do it as well. I picked up my head, "Tell me where he is." I demanded, "Tell me what happened."
He just sighed and sat back down. He seemed suddenly to be too weary now to fight and gave in. "It was Sirius –"
I went off my head. "God damn it Dumbledore I told you - I fucking told you! - I told you how many fucking times when I was in school and you didn't listen!" I did not scream as anyone else would have done, but I'd raised my voice quite enough - "I told you over and over those fucking assholes were dangerous – I told you he was a violent, arrogant son of a bitch with no fucking conscience – why didn't you listen to me-"
"Severus!" Dumbledore yelled. He was deeply unnerved. I don't blame him. After all, he had never heard me speak in such a way – ever. I wish now I hadn't gone off so bad.
My ranting ceased when he yelled, but I must have looked utterly deranged with anger. My breathing was still heavy and erratic. I can vividly remember that my hands were shaking with rage. I could think on nothing else - "Where, is he." I nearly spit.
"He is in Azkaban, sent there with out so much as a trial." Dumbledore explained calmly as he eyed me with caution. "He was suspected, but before the Aurors could reach him, Peter Pettigrew found him. They dueled, though it was not in truth a duel so much as it was a massacre. Peter I am afraid was killed instantly, as were thirteen innocent Muggles."
It was too much to bear – "Why didn't you listen to me!" I cried out again, "I told you they were dangerous why didn't you listen to me! Why were you so quick to trust them! Why didn't you ever trust me when I told you about all of the terrible things they were doing – even as they did them right under your very nose?"
"Severus, you are in no position to question my judgment," he said with finality. "Sirius Black was caught. He was caught, and was sent instantly - with out a trial to Azkaban, where he will remain for the rest of his life. So I strongly suggest Severus, that you leave him to his fate, and begin to accept yours."
How dare he! "You expect me to just accept all of this? How can I just forget what he's done? How do I forget what I have done! And how do you expect me I accept my fate when you Albus Dumbledore, who now governs my fate, have not even told me what my fate will be!" Honestly, what did he want of me?
He hung his head in his hands and said nothing. I had no idea what to make of this but was far past the point of patients to care if Dumbledore was upset. He was not going to leave me in the dark. "Well, what are your orders for me now Headmaster?"
"Severus," he said with a weak smile, "Get some sleep. I find that when I am thoroughly upset by something, that there is nothing better then a good nights sleep to help clear one's head and refocus. Trusts me. Sleep now Severus, and by morning your anguish will be far lessoned."
"Sleep." I said flatly. Was he mental? "That is your answer? Just tell me now what you want from me."
"Severus you have not slept in days. Please listen," and for the first time, perhaps ever he spoke to me with what almost seemed like kindness. "There is a room, it has not been used in many years, but I've had Filch make up this room for you. It will be yours. It will be a home for you, while you remain here in the castle. Let me take you there now. You can rest, clean yourself up and begin to settle yourself permanently. In the morning we can discuss the future. Will that be all right Severus?"
I said nothing to this. And suddenly, I felt the room begin to spin. My emotions were betraying me, making me weak both physically and mentally. Exhaustion was beginning to overtake me, and yet still I fought it. He was not going to get one over on me. I had not yet finished with him.
"I want my memories back," was all I said in response.
"Of course. You may take them back from the Pensieve," he told me as he began to walk towards the door. "Replace your thoughts, and then we will head to your room."
He waited for me by the door. I took back my memories back from the Pensieve, but did not replace them. Not in front of Dumbledore. Instead I placed them into a flask as I watched the Headmaster with suspicion. He sighed heavily again, as I removed the final metallic memory. I covered the flask, and with that, we left the office.
What I must write now, I have long dreaded committing to parchment. But I must do it. And through the grace of God, perhaps I will not see these things in my every waking moment.
~Fragmented Memories and Nightmares
I felt angry, confused and exhausted, but as usual, I obediently I followed Dumbledore. He lead me down the corridors… once again we passed by the portraits who were all blessedly silent and asleep. We walked past walls, windows and rooms I had seen countless times as a student. Though I had once known them well, I was uncertain of where we were or where we were headed, and I did not care. Why should I care where Dumbledore lead me? This was not my life. Three years. Three years had passed since I had been a student. That was a lifetime ago… I had long since died, and none of this was real.
All that remained of me then was confusion and anger. That Dumbledore walked with me only furthered my unfocused fury. Why could that man not leave me alone in peace – was all I could think over and over. I knew I could have walked to the room if Dumbledore had simply told me where it was. Why can't Dumbledore just explain things? Why must there always be these long drawn out dramatic sequences? Why could he not just leave me alone!
I cursed myself for not protesting - for allowing myself to be in that position. I cursed myself for having not run further that night… what a fool I had been. Had I known the full extent of Black's treachery - I would have gone to kill him. I wanted to scream - but even in my rage I knew it would never have worked. I hate it when Dumbledore is right.
I thought about it, how wrong it all was. Even then, even as we walked - Black was still getting one over on me. I suddenly became aware of my intense jealousy towards Black - odd though it might seem - I envied the bastard. Black had been sent to Azkaban – with out even having to endure the humiliation of a trial! He was in Azkaban - when it was I who wanted to be imprisoned and punished for the part I had played in the betrayal. After all, I was just as guilty as he was. Pangs of guilt stabbed through me. I actually felt the ice-cold blades cut thought my limbs and my chest. I could not breathe. My remorse so consumed me that it overtook my rage. I nearly fell.
I hung my head and walked with shame behind Dumbledore. I did not deserve to live and yet the Headmaster was leading me to a room – a home. My feelings changed suddenly and I felt terrible for having harboring such intense hatred toward him. I wished that I had not said all those things to him earlier. I wished I had at least not lost my head… It was wrong – was it not? I should not feel such anger towards the man who had lead me to safety… and yet this was the same man who would not permit me to take my own life. By allowing me to live Dumbledore denied justice.
We reached a door. "Well, here we are," Dumbledore said to me as he turned the silver knob. I did not look inside the room. I did not raise my head at all. "I've had the elves bring up a plate of food for you. Its on the table by the bed, I suggest you eat something."
The thought of food actually pained me. I could only shake my head to say no. My hair covered my face, he of course could not see the disgusted expression upon it, nor could he possibly understand why I felt so sickened by the thought of eating.
"Very well," he sighed in defeat. He then gestured with one arm for me to enter the room as he continued to hold open the door. I begrudgingly walked forward into the dimly lit room. Dumbledore did not follow. "Get some rest and come to my office tomorrow morning at nine. Then we will discuss you future here at Hogwarts." With that, Dumbledore left me. The door clicked shut loudly behind me, and that was it. I was alone.
In that instant the most unbearable wave of terror came over me. It was as if the air had been sucked from the room. I was frozen with fear - unable to swallow or breathe for in that instant, I came to understand the true horror of what had just happened. I was alone. This room – this was to be my fate – this was to be my prison cell. I would be forced to live out the rest of my life – every long agonizing moment of it. I would be alone forever – either in this room or any other – surrounded by people or not, I would be alone – with out her. That had been my worst fear as a child – as a teenager. Even after I'd lost her to him I told myself – dear God – no-
I told myself – that as long as she lived… I can't bear it – I can't bear it now, and I couldn't bear it then… I wanted to die – my nightmare had become my reality –
What I had felt in the hallway was wrong! This was real – this – the room - this was my life. I couldn't bear it. I nearly collapsed at the realization of it, but I forced myself to remain upright. It was my fault. I had killed Lily! She was everything to me! Even in the depths of my blackest moments – she was everything to me and – I – was the one who did it! I killed her! I killed James – I killed Lily Potter! She was a mother! I had taken the parents from – dear god the baby –
The baby…. No… the boy - her son!
I broke down and began to sob. I understood everything. The room, the reality of it… This was Azkaban, and was both prisoner, and Dementor. I was about to force myself to relive my most painful memories was I not?
I removed the flask from my coat…. I was shaking, gasping for air trying desperately to steady myself for I felt I was near fainting. I was so sick to begin with - I wondered how I would ever mange the replacement of my memories… I walked to the bed - there beside it I would stand. This way, if I were to collapse, at least it would not be on to the floor.
I tried to take in the room in an effort to calm myself. It was not easy seeing as it was dark, and my head was still spinning. At first, all I could make out was my sickly pale hand as I grabbed the bedpost. I tried so hard to focus…
It was the light that I noticed first – for I knew it well. Beyond it there was nothing to see in the desolate room. The furniture was plain wooden and devoid of any objects. The windows were covered by heavy black drapes, which matched the heavy black hangings on the four-poster bed. The stone walls were completely barren save for that light. I couldn't take my eyes from it. It comforted me, as would the sight of an old friend. I felt it in my blood – running through my veins as if it had been a part of my life forever. My heart almost felt warmed. I stared at the blue green light that danced upon the walls, and for a moment I almost felt at peace. The reflections of the water from the lake, and I knew… I was somewhere near Slytherin. Home.
All too suddenly, memories of my school years flooded back to me. I heard them – the echoes of laugher… The voices of all those in my house with whom I'd been friends – I heard their voice laughter echo off the walls just as real and present as the blue light… They were happy. They were so young, and they were innocent and they - they were gone. The echoes of sound vanished in a flash and all was silence again – for they were gone. All of them. I might have come home to Slytherin – to Hogwarts – but every single one of them was gone from me forever. I was alone. And I could put it off no longer.
I drew my wand, removed the silver strand from the flask and made to replace my first memory. I held it in my eyes for a moment. This one I needed to see - to relive first. I had wanted to see it desperately for what seemed like hours. The lie. The false memory created for the trial had disgusted me to no end. Finally I was free, and so I replaced the real memory. The fiction was overwritten and the truth began to flash before me. This was real and no matter how much it pained me to see it again – this had been my life. I needed to see it – for him.
There it was… as clear as if it were still happening. The group of teenagers all sat together in the Slytherin Common Room. But no one was yelling, not yet. And this time a sixth figure sat with the five boys. Someone spoke with intense authority over them – over us – it was not Evan but Avery. Avery was carrying on and on about his father's friend. Evan sat beside me while I sat silent - starring into space, my thoughts were of nothing but Lily…as usual. As usual, Evan was making faces mocking Avery when he wasn't looking and trying to get me to laugh. It worked, but it was not the faces that had forced me to laugh. Evan had fallen off his chair somehow. Now every one laughing, even Avery. Evan got up and bowed. He didn't mind. He was used to being the punch line to our jokes and he rather enjoyed it.
He was clumsy and not very good at magic, but prided himself on his ability to amuse the others through his shortcomings. Was his family not second to the Blacks in terms of prestige, wealth and power, he would certainly have been a Hufflepuff. That mousy haired boy had not a mean bone in his body. He was a brother to me, and I loved him.
I had loved all of my Slytherin friends – as much as I could love anyone who was not my blessed Lily… They had taken me in when all others had forsaken me. Even Lily herself had pushed me away, all be it with good reason. I was alone with no hope, but Evan Rosier, Wilkes, Mulciber Avery, and his cousin, had made me part of their group. I once considered them family, the siblings I never had. Their friendship meant more to me than anyone could ever know… I smiled in the present and my eyes filled with tears at the thought of them.
Suddenly the memory changed. We were in Hogsmeade. It was late at night and we had snuck out of school again. Another night of drinking and smoking pot. Another night of listening to Muggle rock music and committing stupid - petty crimes in the village. The guys were tying lead weights to brooms outside of the Hogshead while I was doubled over with laughter. As usual I was too stoned and couldn't stop laughing long enough to help the others.
Suddenly we were all standing around a fire in the woods. Everyone was singing along to a Doors song - badly. Evan charmed the radio and suddenly Pink Floyd was playing. Where Evan Rosier, the Pure - Blood from one of the oldest Wizarding lines had learned so much about Muggle music we never knew. But the whole gang, even Avery - the most anti - Muggle among us had agreed that Muggle music was the greatest gift Muggles had ever given to the world.
Another flash - suddenly we were all together in the Slytherin Common Room listening to David Bowie. It was my birthday. The others were getting me drunk. They were all laughing and singing "Beauty and the Beast," as loud as they could in my face. I loved David Bowie, "That man is no mere Muggle" we always used to say. I never got through "Low" or "Heroes" with out an intense surge of gratitude towards Evan for having introduced him to us.
The memory changed and now we were in the Common Room again. But this time no one was laughing. Someone was yelling - not Evan but Avery. This was it. This was the real memory - the one that had been tampered with to trick those at the trial into thinking Evan was guilty in order to protect that bastard Avery.
There was something else too, a girl. She had been completely absent from the false memory, and yet she had been in every single one of my true memories. She laughed, drank and sang with us every time - but all memory of her had been removed with good reason…
She now sat beside Evan, looking as terrified as he did. I was just as distraught... It wasn't so much the yelling or the insults Avery threw at us that had upset me so deeply. In truth I could barely make out the hateful words that Avery shouted. I felt completely crushed and betrayed by Avery, whom I'd come to look up to as our leader. It was then that I finally came to understand. All that time, Avery had been no different from him - my tyrannical father. It was partly due to that one that I had turned to them in the first place. They were… supposed to be my new family. But there they all were, screaming and distress. And just it was in Spinners End – he screamed – at her.
Avery threatened the girl. I could no longer stand by and do nothing. I resented my mother for having done so when I was young - when I had been screamed at in such ways… I was determined to help the friends I had left… But it was Evan who stood up and defied Avery, not me. I tried to defy Avery, but the words had stuck in my throat.
Evan. The silly - scapegoat Evan, was fighting Avery. He wasn't doing very well. Avery was verbally lashing out at him. Evan motioned for us to run, which after some hesitation we all did. And that was on of the last times I ever saw him.
Evan was no Death Eater, leading us astray. He in the end had been the hero of the group. Avery had convinced us months earlier to go to The Dark Lord. It was no act of "Typical Teenage Stupidity," as Crouch had said… The real reason I had turned to them was far worse…
The flood of memories was almost finished, but not before one last horrific flash could play itself out. It was Hogsmeade many months later. I stood pinning Wilkes to a wall. I myself was pinioned by shock as we both stared down to the street below. My hand was pressed hard into Wilkes's mouth to keep him from screaming. I pressed harder as if this could some how hold off my own cries of horror. Wilkes and I were frozen – still in disbelief. There were seconds, only seconds and a blinding flash. It was over before it had even started… Evan lay dead in the Hogsmeade High street.
I returned to myself. "Fuck you Moody," I remember saying to the darkness as the vision faded away. I still stood in the stark room, drenched in sweat and shaking violently. My voice cracked from lack of use, but I called out to Evan… to beg his forgiveness for what I had done to his memory. Oh God, how I had defiled all that remained of him for the sake of Avery's undeserved liberty.
The Ministry doesn't care about the innocent among the dead, or the guilty among the free, only the illusion of control. I cursed them all again, wiped the tears from my eyes and pulled my hair back from my face – I had to get a hold of myself - I needed to take her back.
I had removed nearly all trace of her, lest I endanger another woman by reveling her existence to the Ministry. I could not bear the thought of having destroyed another life… Free from prying eyes I drew the next set of memories up from the flask and placed the tip of my wand between my eyes. The memories slowly seeped into me.
A tall, thin girl with long black hair and shocking amethyst eyes stood with the four Slytherin boys as I descended the steps to them. She was smiling.
Tisiphone. Tisiphone Torchwood… that was her name. Another flash and she stood in the corner of the Potions Dungeon unnoticed by all. Even I had barely noticed her. It wasn't until that day in class that I saw how she was brewing solutions with shocking ease. I looked away just as I caught her look up at me form the corner of my eye.
The memory changed, I was in the Common Room trying to study. Avery was trying to get me to sneak out of school, they all were. I was too shy to accept their invitation - but she stood over me and spoke softly with a sultry voice, "Just come Sev."
Suddenly I stood in a dark room with her. We were locked in an embrace, kissing awkwardly.
The memory changed and we were in Hogsmeade. Evan was in the midst of pulling some prank. It was dark and we were leaning on each other laughing. "Evan you little shit!" we both yelled.
Suddenly we were in her dorm room. Tisiphone was doing things to me that would make most of the Death Eaters blush. There was another flash. Again we were in her dorm room. Again we were engaged in an act of violent sex. Another flash and now a small serpent crept gracefully down from my spine, onto the bed and became a woman. Tisiphone wrapped her human arms around me and pulled me on to the bed. I needed no prompting. I took her, she cried out then slapped me in the face.
Now I was in my dorm room filled with a mixture of remorse, shame and desire – for her for Lily. Oh Tisiphone, and why I had done it… I knew Lily was in love with James. They had been dating for ages. I had turned to Tisiphone, whom I did not love in an attempt to alleviate the terrible emotions that were eating me alive. So often I felt I was being punished for my anger and jealously. I convinced myself that Tisiphone, who's aggression matched mine, was surely sent to me as form of vengeance for my infidelity to Lily. Sin, that's what I always called it… what we did together.
It wasn't until our last few days together that I finally understood. Tisiphone was innocent. She had been a sweet girl, just as hurt and just as I had been… and in my own distress I could not see it. I had used her to get back at Lily. I used her to hurt myself. I hurt poor Tisiphone, who all along had been under the control of her tyrannical cousin Avery. And he had taken her with us… he tricked her into becoming a Death Eater against her will, just as he had the others.
Now the memory came to me again. Avery stood shouting at us all in the Common Room. I had fled to my room where my roommates were packing their trunks. Our time at Hogwarts was nearly up. Suddenly she burst threw my door crying. I lay awake, uncomfortably in my bed that night as she lay in my arms. We both feared the future. Once we left the school we would be dispatched on our accursed missions for The Dark Lord though neither of us wanted to carry out our orders...
We had been kindred spirits, but I came to understand that too late. She would have been a good friend to me. A friend, for I could never feel for her as I do Lily... But even then in my dark days of school I knew I could not allow anyone to get to close to me…
Another memory came to me, and I was packing. The Felix Felicis. I had tried to give it to Lily. I had won it… that potion had been my last hope to win her back. My last chance and once again she refused me. Upon seeing it again, I wanted to destroy the fluid but was gripped with a sudden surge of responsibility.
I blamed myself for Tisiphone's having been forced to become a Death Eater after all. I blamed myself for everything. If she could be saved…
"Take this!" I was saying as she cried out in protest.
She pushed my hands back, "I won't go with out you!" I forced the Felix Felicis back into her hands, she cried out again, I'll wait for you – I'll come back for you, please don't - I can't take it!"
I told her to use it to escape from the Death Eaters. She continued to protest, but I insisted, "Take this and run."
That was the last time I ever saw her. We left school, became spies and I never saw or heard from her again. It was likely she had died, just as Evan had… How many nameless, insignificant to The Dark Lord or the Ministry had fallen? No one noticed her in life, if she had died, no one would have cared - certainly not her bastard of a cousin. She was nothing more then leverage to him, just as Evan had been.
And just like Evan, she was gone. One last memory left. One final flash, and I was in Dumbledore's office crying. Dumbledore had just walked out.
And that's when I realized what had happened in that hour when I'd escaped from the office….
I had collapsed and was crying in a crumpled heap on the office floor. I was shaking, I could barely breathe. I had killed Lily Evans. It was my fault. I had told the Dark Lord - I had marked her for death.
Lily was dead and it was my fault. James was dead and it was my fault. Evan was dead, and I hadn't helped. Tisiphone. She surely was dead too, and it was – but what if it had worked! What if that vial of Felix Felicis had been enough to secure her escape? If she had done what I had suspected… she would have… Obliviate - That was the only chance she would have had. It was a long shot but if she had been successful and anyone found out about her – then she would be dead. I could never mention of even think on her again.
Fuck! She said she would wait for me! She said she would come back and wait for me at that fucking tree in the woods just outside of Hogsmeade where we used to snog! If she was crazy enough to come out of hiding to find me – if anyone saw her – she was a Death Eater – she'd be sent to Azkaban. What if Dumbledore was right, what if the Dark Lord were to return – she'd be dead. No! No - I would not have her blood on my hands as well!
I had to warn her in some way. I had to send her away for good. I had hurt every single person I had ever gotten close to. I'd hurt her enough as it was. I had to explain somehow, I had to say good-bye. At the very least I owed her that much. Dumbledore had gone – so I escaped from the office and ran.
I disapparated first to my old bedroom in Spinners End…. I was careful not to wake my parents. I have not seen them since I had been in school… long before I ran away to become a Death Eater. I wanted to see them as little as they wanted to see me, of that I was certain. My journal I'd kept with me at all times, but the record – I'd left all such things behind me when after I had left school. But there it was just as I'd left it. I grabbed the thing from under the dirty old mattress then disapparated back to the woods.
Out by the tree I dug in the earth with my bare hands. I frantically wrote one final entry then buried my journal and left it for her to find. What I wrote in my maniacal state that night I can scarcely remember now. I don't know if she would understand, or if she would even find it… I am absolutely horrified to think of anyone reading my innermost sick fucking thoughts from those days. Only in such distress would I ever do such a stupid thing as to expose my self so horrifically – and yet that was the point of the action. Upon reading my sick words she would certainly never come back to seek me out again. Now in here in this room I regret the manner in which I tried to warn her – to somehow explain everything to her, but it's too late now... I can only hope she lived – and will not share what she has read – ever.
I scratched at the dirt to cover the thing. Over the freshly turned earth I placed a Muggle object, David Bowie's "Heroes" - which I knew that if found no Wizard would fully understand. No one except for her, it was her favorite…
It is done. It was over forever with that act. I stood up, but I was too weak to disapparate, so I ran from the spot as far and as fast as I could. I'd run for several minutes – but he caught me.
"What were you doing Severus!" Dumbledore was screaming.
I'd nearly collapsed in his arms. I could not speak to answer, I was sobbing too hard…
"Where were you running – what were you doing Severus!" Dumbledore yelled again shaking me to get an answer…
Through sobs I told him – "I had to say good bye-" with that I could say no more. He never believed me…
I felt like I had fallen fast and crashed onto a hard surface - but I was standing in the room again in the present…. Tears streamed down my face. All the precautions I will have to take in keeping her existence hidden from now on… and there will be no way of knowing if she even lived at all. "God help her…" I spoke to the empty room. And with that I must never think on her again.
I was clutching the bedpost - fighting to stay upright... I allowed myself to sob for a minute or two longer - the flask that lay on the bed was still full of silvery fluid.
I tried to steady myself as I had before but with far more difficulty. I found my wand in the darkness where it lay, black on black against the blankets. I reached for the memory filled flask. The rest I knew I would have to take in rapid succession. These would hit hardest. Taking them all in one shot would be excruciating but it was the only way - for if I stopped it would be nearly imposible to start up again. I took a deep breath and prepared for it as best I could.
There was a flash and suddenly Potter and Black were chasing me. Lupin and Pettigrew were not far behind. If I had only some way to stop them... The scene changed. I was practicing Stupefy in my room. The flies fell one by one, only to reawaken moments later. My aim was perfect why – why couldn't I hit when it counted?
Another flash, I was still in my bedroom but now I was cowering by the doorway. He – that one - was screaming about money again. I heard something crash. My mother was crying - calling out to the blessed Virgin, but he screamed right back. "You don't fool me you are just as evil as the day we met! How dare you call to her!"
Suddenly I was at school. My parents had forgotten my birthday again. I was cold. I pretended it was any other day. I walked out of my dorm room.
The Dark Lord had my arm. The pain was unbearable. The red-eyed savage was pulling my wrist, burning my flesh with a white-hot knife of a wand. It took all of my strength not to cry out – in the memory and in reality.
Another flash. I stood upon the floor of a far better kept living room than my own in Spinner's End. The Buckingham Nicks record was playing. I remembered the song well. "Long Distance Winner." Lily was trying to teach me how to dance. I far was taller than her, and she was far more graceful than I. I tripped over my own feet, we both laughed.
Suddenly I was alone. Lily was gone. She hated me for the horrible thing I had said to her. I hated myself. In my agony I cast a spell I had never cast or even heard of before. The visceral spell tore open my skin. I was bleeding from my chest and my arms. In terror and shame I healed the wounds. I had cast the counter spell with out thinking, just as I had the spell when I'd cut myself.
I was working myself sick in school. I was staying late hours after class, staying up late to read and was not sleeping. Suddenly I was in N.E.W.T. Potions. Years of practice prepared me and I'd won a vial of Felix Felicis. The vial of liquid luck would be my peace offering to Lily. I felt certain that all of my hard work – all of my sacrifice and efforts to be Virtuous would win her back. It was my last hope. Lily refused it.
I was with my friends in the woods again. I wasn't laughing anymore. This was no teenage party with pot and music. This was a meeting of Death Eaters. Lily had finally abandoned me forever and I had given up on life completely. The Dark Lord had seen me alone and had seen my hopelessness – he was using it against me - convincing me to join him. In a horrid whispered voice he spoke, seducing me completely, "Will you become one of my loyal Death Eaters?"
What else was there? I faced a future alone with out love, friends or a purpose. "I will," I told him.
Suddenly I sat alone on a swing set. I was a child again, and I was crying. Lily ran up from behind me and took my hand, "Sev!" I looked up at her. I was startled but thrilled to see her. "I thought you weren't coming today!" The sun seemed to radiate through her thick red hair. "Mummy said I could if I finished cleaning my room." I was smiling - we both were as we started to swing. Our laughter filled the spring air…
Slightly older now, we ran though a field together through tall grass near a river. With a flash we stood in Potions arguing over Wormwood. She teased me, pulled my hair and said I was wrong. I pulled hers back added the wormwood and proved her wrong. We laughed.
I was alone and cold in the Hogshead standing by a door. I could hear muffled whispers on the other side…
I was with Lily again. We sat beneath a tree studying together for our exams. Now I was alone by the tree. Seconds later found me hanging upside down by my ankle – Potter and the others were chanting. Their screams filled my ears fueling my fury but I couldn't break free. I threw a strange hex at Potter. I hurled insults at Lily who hurled them right back. Potter had me sprawled on the ground.
I stood before The Dark Lord. He seemed pleased with me for once.
Now James was sprawled on the ground, dead upon a flight of stairs. I was running down a debris filled hallway. I pushed open a door –
"No!" I cried out this time in reality. I don't know what it was – but had collapsed and was laying on the floor. I nearly wretched as I tried to push myself up. I fell and cried out again. It was all I could see…. I couldn't breathe - my heart was racing so hard it hurt… I slammed my eyes shut – I pulled at my hair – I still don't know what it was, but it wouldn't stop! This unbearable surge of fear, guilt and horror – and it wouldn't stop! I couldn't' take it.
Whatever it was had hold of me. The horror over took me - I was on fire - adrenaline rushed through my veins and I fled from the room. Slytherin – Slytherin if I was near Slytherin then I knew where I was. I knew where it was I told myself as I tore off blindly down the dark corridors.
I fumbled along, frantically feeling my way until at last I came to the wooden door. It was dark but I knew it well. Slughorn's Stores. I could open it. Of that I was certain for I had done so many times as a student …Oh all the times I had taken potions when Slughorn wasn't looking so that I might continue my studies on weekends when the classrooms were not open to me…. So desperate had I been for something to do to pass the lonely weekends. Slughorn never found out, and so often I felt guilty for having stolen from his stores….
Not anymore. I was far past caring. I ripped my wand from my sleeve - "Alohomora!" The door opened and I threw myself through. "Lumos." I ran to the shelves and found what I was looking for in seconds. I snatched that glass bottle from the shelf, held it in my hand than froze. I had come for a solution to silence my thoughts, and yet what if I did not stop there? I looked around the cramped, closed off space… it was full of chemical exits… I could do it. What was stopping me? I felt it again - the terrible unfounded anxiety. I wouldn't think, I couldn't allow myself to... I just clutched the glass bottle tighter and ran back to the room.
I nearly kicked open the door to the room. I saw the tray of food, grabbed the glass of water from it and threw the fluid it onto the stone floor. I stood over the bed again and pulled the dropper from the bottle. It was nearly two in the morning. Nine in the morning… I knew exactly how much Draught of Living Death to take… I measured it into the glass. Again I wondered why I didn't take more – the anxiety – that dread – it came to me again. No more hesitation, I swallowed.
The effect was instantaneous. The draught hit me like a blunt object to the back of the skull and I fell forward onto the bed. Me eyes rolled back into my head and all became blackness. I was still breathing... I was aware of that but not much else…
Through the darkness, her voice echo from somewhere far away. She was laughing. "Sev, you look silly!" She laughed again and said, "Do I look as silly as you do?" White light, her image began to flood the emptiness around me, and then I could see her. Lily, young and innocent – she was wearing an overly large white shirt. She waved her arms like a white dove flapping its wings. I almost told her. I almost wished I had… but I remembered that day, and I had been too afraid she that she would laugh if I had told her…
"No, you don't look as silly as I do. You look like an angel…"
At that I blacked out…and at that I must stop writing for at least a few hours.