~Sunday 8 November 1981 - Late Evening, My Room

They say that pain will lessen after a long nights sleep, but that is a lie…

~The Next Morning

Six dark, dreamless hours had transpired, but the Draught of Living Death was wearing off. When I came to the next morning, I was laying faced down across bed. It was the still made up. Only half of my body was on the thing, my legs were draped oddly off the edge of the mattress. I had clearly passed out in that position, and had not moved since doing so.

I tried to open my eyes, but the potion still had hold of me. I lay upon the bed still unable to move. I fell back to sleep for a moment, but then I heard the voice of an angelic young girl…her voice.

Lily was calling out to me, "Fine. You teach me how to make twigs fall and I'll teach you how to fly."

At that my eyes shot open. I pushed myself up and frantically crawled backwards across the bed until I felt my shoulders slam hard into the huge wooded headboard. I ignored the pain. It was only physical pain after all… I drew my knees into my chest - I was losing it. I was shaking and crying just as hysterically as I had the night before. As soon as I'd woken, everything came crashing back to me. The potion had only delayed it for a few hours -

Profound sorrow, remorse, anger, fear and anxiety all ran through me at once. It was so horrible – I didn't even know what I was feeling. I was curled up for several minutes slamming my head against the wall before I could calm myself enough to at least complete a thought.

I knew Dumbledore wouldn't tell me anything when I would with him at nine. He would be evasive as usual and I would be left uncertain and afraid. So there was nothing for my mounting anxieties. The pain of loss and remorse were too much to bear. My anger and hatred were all I had to calm myself. So I allowed my rage to consume me, and finally I could focus – on him.

I couldn't get past it. How could he do it? Black had been her friend – his friend. Yes he was a horrible, insolent git when we were in school but this! My sin was terrible, but Black had knowingly given them all over to The Dark Lord. Why? How?

I was guilty! My actions had taken two lives and ruined another. I had committed countless other sins, petty crimes and yes, as Crouch had said I was guilty of "Typical teenage stupidity."

But this? Typical Teenage Stupidity! Black being a savage bully – Black bragging about his many sexual exploits fine - but Typical Teenage Stupidity does not make one knowingly betray and kill their best friends!

I was seething - I was actually shaking. So strong was my rage - I actually believed in that instant, that through sheer force off will I could disapparate into Azkaban – grab Black and explode on the spot. My hatred would incinerate the both of us completely - not even ash would remain, the both of us erased - dispersed forever into oblivion.

It would be fitting. We both deserved it. Typical Teenage Stupidity did not come close to excusing my actions either. It was my fault that I gave up and joined the Death Eaters. Had I the strength, I would have done what needed to be done long ago. Had I not been so afraid I would have taken my own life and none of this would ever have happened...

I remembered looking down at the bottle… there was still enough Draught of Living Death left to do it. I was still full of burning hatred for Black as I reached for it, but just as I did, the memory of a much younger Black came to me. It was one of the early Hogsmeade Weekends. I remembered watching Black as he stood in the high street yelling insults at a dark haired young woman. "No!" Black yelled insolently at her, "And you can tell my mother that I'm not coming for Christmas either."

It was her. Bellatrix Lestrange. I had not known her at the time, and thankfully in the years since I have barely spoken to her. Insane, sadistic bitch of a woman… I have no reason to doubt the stories they tell of her. All the terrible things she's done – the Muggles she has tortured and killed… and laughed about. I've seen enough of her brutality – having watched her commit horrific acts of violence upon animals and even her own husband. Of course he deserved it - being just as sadistic as she. So if Black was in prison, I thought, then where the fuck where they?

Where the fuck was her sister – or worse her maniacal husband Lucius? That sick fuck. I hate myself still for having once looked up to him in when I was in school. I have since seen Lucius do horrible, disgusting - unspeakable things. He had not been as violent as the Lestranges - no one was that violent… still what scared me most about Lucius was his cold detachment when he tortured. Oh God how I hated the way he ordered people around, the way everyone did just as he said. Where the fuck was he? And suddenly I knew, with out having been told. That fucking psychotic git got off. The Ministry would surely have turned a blind eye to one so influential as he. Fucking hell – they were all out there still.

Out there still… and yet, I knew exactly where they all were – every last one. I knew what I had to do.

I'd practically kicked in the door. "Severus, you're early!" Dumbledore wasn't expecting me. He seemed near shock when he answered the door, but from the look of him, the Headmaster had clearly been up and busy in his office for a quite a while.

I stormed into the office in silence, unafraid, but still unable to raise my head. I stopped and stood before the Headmaster's desk with my hands behind my back while I waited for Dumbledore to sit down and take his place. He took his time. I was certain he did this on purpose. It was almost as frustrating as the half mocking tone in which he spoke to me, "Well, what is it that couldn't wait until nine?"

"I want to kill them." I said.

"Kill them?" And Dumbledore wasn't smiling anymore. "Who Severus?"

I was so aggravated by Dumbledore's inability to grasp the obvious. "Them," I said in a gravelly whisper that even I was frightened by… "I want to kill The Lestranges. I want to kill Lucius Malfoy. I want to kill Nott and McNare." "Severus!" Dumbledore was clearly disturbed by my cold sincerity and made to stop it. But I could not be stopped. I spoke as if there had been no interruption. "I want to kill Rabastan. I want to kill Crabbe and Goyle. I want to kill all of the remaining Death Eaters."

Conviction returned to him, "You would even kill your former friends from Slytherin?" Dumbledore asked.

"If you asked it of me," I said plainly.

Dumbledore almost grinned, "I would not ask such a thing of you Severus."

I fell silent for a moment. I was not going to let him get to me. I blinked a few times, but my face remained frozen and emotionless. When I spoke again I made certain that I was composed and articulate. "You asked what I would give you in return for your aid. I said I would give you anything, and I meant it. Ask it of me. I could do it Dumbledore. I should be the one to do it. I know them. I know who they are. I know where to find them. You know how simple it would be."

Dumbledore had barely allowed me to finish, "No Severus, it would not be so simple."

"It would be." I insisted. How could Dumbledore not see it? "They trust me. They would never even see it coming."

"It?" Dumbledore repeated in an irksome tone. "And what Severus would – it – be?" What would you do? How do you plan on killing, as you say, all of the remaining Death Eaters?"

"I'd use the Killing Curse," I said with no hesitation. I lowered my head and glared at him fiercely through down cast eyes. I wanted him to know how serious I was.

Dumbledore was unmoved. "Have you ever used an unforgivable curse Severus?" He did not give me a chance to answer. He had not meant to. "And how do you plan on killing all of them? For certainly if you did some how succeed in murdering even one of the remaining Death Eaters, you would immediately be hunted down by the others and killed yourself."

"Yes. But if I did manage to kill even one of them, it will have been worth it," my speech was calm and collected, I had to convince him... "If I were to succeed, two evil lives will have been ended. Justice will have been carried out. It is perfect. Dumbledore, why do you not understand?"

"I understand Severus. I understand perfectly. Your plan would not work." He was smiling, grinning from ear to ear.

"Why, do you say that?" I was beginning to crack. For the first time all morning the words had stuck in my throat. I'd almost stammered.

Dumbledore leaned across the desk, smiled and finally explained his reasoning, "Because you are not capable of it. You are not a killer Severus."

What? I felt as though someone had thrown ice-cold water over me. Not a killer? How could he say that! But he'd gotten to me finally, and I was completely dumbfounded. For once I was at a total loss for words and could only shake my head in disagreement.

And so he sat back, victorious in his ornate thrown of a chair. "Now then… tell me, have you ever cast an unforgivable curse?"

"I have cast terrible curses," I said and I know my voice revealed my apprehension when I spoke… I must be more careful in future, for the moment I drop my guard I begin to unravel completely.

"That's not what I asked," Dumbledore said. I could see him sensing my weakness.

"There's a first time for everything." My emotions continued to betray me, for in my voice was frustration and unease. "I could cast the Killing Curse on every last one of them."

"No, you couldn't. You are not a killer Severus, as I have already said. I have watched you since you were boy, when you first came to Hogwarts." Dear God - what did Dumbledore mean by that? This came as a shock and I was deeply unnerved. What was he getting at? I shifted uncomfortably as Dumbledore continued. "Yes Severus, all those years I saw everything. All the many times James, and Sirius attacked you, as you said under my very nose. All those times Severus, all those chances and yet, you never fought back. You let them attack you."

"That's not true!" I protested, it sounded desperate, "I fought back – I cast curses on them, made their toenails grow out, sealed their mouths shut. I dropped branches onto Black - I hexed Potter – I cut his face once!"

"But you didn't mean it Severus," He seemed pleased to hear my distress.

I gritted my teeth and growled, "Yes I did!"

"No. You didn't." Dumbledore was quick to say, "Was your retaliation in anyway equal to the offenses they committed upon you?"

I had to think on it for a moment, "…No but I didn't…" I stopped. I wanted to say that I hadn't wanted to stoop to their level, but that wasn't true and I knew it. Black and Potter were fearless in a way that I could never be - and to my great shame, I looked to them with envy because of it. My heart sank at the thought. Of course, Dumbledore, git that he is - was clearly aware of this fact. And I knew he would forever use it against me.

"Didn't what?" he asked after some time, promoting me to complete my thought. I did not answer.

"Nothing,' I said. I felt I was admitting defeat.

"You see Severus," Dumbledore began darkly, "I was warned about you too."

I felt as though I'd been stabbed in the heart. The other students mocked me and called me an evil Slytherin. There may have been rumors that circulated about my having been dangerous, but all that was the cruelty of children – at least that's what I had always thought. The Headmaster had actually been warned about me? Dear God… Had I been so dangerous, even then – as a child?

"Yes Severus, I was," Dumbledore said, even with out use of Legilimens. "I was told on many occasions that you knew more hexes then most of the older students, even some of the staff. I had my eye on you. But for all the hexes you knew, you never defended yourself. If you'd truly meant to retaliate against them, you would have cast the Bat - Bogey Hex or at least a Stinging Jinx. You would have punched and kicked back when they punched and kicked you, but you never did."

I wanted to protest. I wanted desperately to tell Dumbledore that he was wrong, that I had fought back ruthlessly on many occasions, but… I couldn't. Even for the few times I had fought back, I could not find the words to relate my actions. My heart was beating furiously but I struggled to keep my face cold and still, lest I let on just how badly Dumbledore had hit a nerve.

"You are not a fighter. Angry yes, capable of dark acts, perhaps - but you are nota violent person Severus, and you are certainly no killer." Dumbledore stopped speaking and looked at me for a moment. "I know what kind of a person you are Severus. And if I thought in anyway otherwise, you would not be in this school." The gravity in the Headmaster's voice was almost too much to bear.

I was suddenly gripped by a dark fear. So Dumbledore did consider such things. Was he truly not as trusting as he let on? He didn't trust me. He had practically admitted to it. Was it only a matter of time until Dumbledore saw the true darkness in my heart?

He is right not to trust me. I am dangerous. I am violent. I am not a thug as were Potter and Black, but I am a killer. Everyone I have ever touched has been killed or hurt badly. I am an accident. I am an explosion waiting to happen. I was born for one single purpose – destruction. How dare Dumbledore deny me my destiny! At that, my nerve returned. I was not going to let Dumbledore's head games get to me. "Let me do it. Dumbledore. Let me kill them."

Dumbledore sighed and hung his head in his hands. "Severus…" he began wearily. He said nothing for a few minutes. I could no longer look at him. I suddenly understood why Dumbledore had been up when I'd first come to the office. He must have been awake and working all night. He had not slept. I felt a sudden twinge of guilt but it was dashed the moment the headmaster spoke again. "Severus, you promised to protect her son. This is not meant to be about you Severus, it is suppose to be about him. What you are asking is for me to let you run off and become a vigilante. You seek to do this for revenge, not for him."

"I amdoing it for him," I told him. "If I kill off The Dark Lord's remaining followers there will be no more threat."

"What about Voldemort?" He said with out any fear or hesitation at the word, "What do you plan to do when he comes back?"

I rolled my eyes, I hadn't the patients to hide my annoyance, "If the Dark Lord comes back I'll kill him too." I said sarcastically. I still do not believe for a second that The Dark Lord will truly return. Dumbledore is being ridiculous. Yet even still, I do not dare speak of him with out euphemism as does Dumbledore.

"Enough, Severus," Dumbledore said with finality. He hastily stood up from his desk to emphasize his point. "I would not permit you to do something so foolish now as to take on Voldemort by yourself, just as I will not permit you to go after even one of his Death Eaters alone. I have no intention of granting you your death wish."

…. I'm not sure what shocked me more - the statement, or the bluntness with which it had been spoken. I wanted to say something, but what could I say to such a thing?

"That outcome would be most undesirous…" Dumbledore trailed off, turned his head and gazed out the window. "I think deep down you understand that sentiment."

"No." I insisted. "I don't."

Dumbledore whipped his head and glared at me. "Than why haven't you done it yet?"

"Done what?" I gripped my wrist nervously behind my back. Why was the headmaster so intent on exposing my every weakness?

You know what I mean." Dumbledore said fixing me with his cunning blue eyes. Why did Dumbledore have to choose that moment to finally be forthcoming?

There was a long painful pause. I stared down at the carpet as I had done so often the night before. I dug the toes of my boots into the floor. It wasn't so much the shame that I could not bring myself to take my own life - though it has long troubled me. In that moment, I just felt so terribly disarmed and ashamed that Dumbledore knew. But did he? The Headmaster knew that in recent days that I had attempted unsuccessfully to kill myself, but he couldn't possibly know that I have been contemplating suicide since before my fifth year at Hogwarts. He couldn't. Dumbledore is not as omniscient as he projects himself to be. I steeled myself and lifted my head to speak, "What would you have me do then, if I am not to be an assassin? I do not see any other way in which I can keep the boy safe."

"I have my plans," he said grinning devilishly. Fantastic. He was being cheeky again.

Fear and hesitation had left me completely. "Do your plans involve assassinating the remaining Death Eaters or do you plan to do as Crouch has done and allow them to run rampant?"

"Do you plan on judging as Crouch does?" Dumbledore asked.

The Headmaster was trying to get under my skin again but this time I was ready. "No. I do not judge based on convenience, only from what I have seen with my own eyes. I have seen all those whom I have named torture, rape and kill both Muggles and Wizards alike. Do you really think it wise to leave them to their own devices?"

"I am afraid you are going to have to permit me to do just that." He calmly said to me. "We needn't worry ourselves too much about their further crimes, for I doubt the would have the courage to even consider such acts with out there protection of their master. Further more, as you have stated, you know who they are and where they are. I will be able to set a watch upon them myself. You did give me the complete list of names just the other day did you not?"

"Yes," I did not like the inflection in Dumbledore's voice. Of course I hadn't given him all the names, for there was still one I withheld… Did the Headmaster know I was hiding the existence of a former unwitting follower? So great was my paranoia and lack of trust in Dumbledore after he failed to protect the Potters that I began using Occlumency in that moment to conceal Tisiphone Torchwood. I desperately hoped that Dumbledore remained oblivious to her, but the way he spoke made me nervous. I fidgeted and began rubbing at my neck and my soar shoulders. It hurt. My muscles ached at the slightest touch, and only then did I realize just how soar I was.

I looked toward the wooden chair in the corner of the room. I knew I had been sitting there for ages - but had I really been that tense? Every muscle in my body ached. Jesus Christ - had I really done that to myself? There was no denying it. I had. Four days of sitting silent and dead. Enough. I had allowed myself to be distracted for far too long. I tore my eyes from the spot and glared back at Dumbledore. "Do you plan on telling me what your plan is then Dumbledore?" Of course the git did not answer right away. "Well, what was it that had to wait until nine?"

He was deliberately delaying his speech, but finally he began, "You will of course recall professor Slughorn?"

I haven't been out of school that long. "Yes, I remember Professor Slughorn."

No reaction to my sarcasm, "Well Severus, I am sorry to say he will be retiring at the end of next week. It is my wish that you take up his post as Potions Master."

"What!" What in God's name was he saying?

No reaction to my panic, "I am appointing you as his successor. You will recall that Voldemort once requested that you should take up the position of Defense Against The Dark Arts Teacher?"

"Yes vaguely, but what has that got to do with anything!" I said in protest. I was at a total loss, "The Dark Lord made a strange request of that nature, and I did report it to you, but that was ages ago! Even then it did not make any sense in the grand scheme of things. What good could possibly come of my accomplishing that act - which is not even what you are asking me to do – you are asking me to become Potions Master, which does not make any sense at all – "

I was starting to ramble but he cut me off. "Its perfect Severus, don't you understand?"

"Stop using my words against me!" I blurted out.

"Why ever not, when you have done the same with mine." Oh he was so smug. He was so content with himself as I was growing ever more frantic.

"That doesn't matter – this is all absurd – I – I can't take over for Slughorn!" I was nearly shouting.

"Of course you can. Severus you were one of the brightest students this school has ever seen." Dumbledore folded his hands upon his desk and smiled. "You excelled at Potions in a way no student before you has. You will be an outstanding Professor, of that I am quite certain."

"Professor – what? No!" No! How could he use that word in reference to me? "No! I can't. You can't make me – I don't want to - I don't know – I can't-" My lack of coherence when I spoke was mortifying.

"Why would you say such a thing?" I couldn't tell if he was playing or not.

"Isn't it obvious!" I cried out. Dumbledore only shook his head to say no. He was going to make me say it. He was going to force me to say why I couldn't do it… I cannot teach because I am terrified.

I could barely speak. I wanted to throw up, "I can't do it – how could I possibly stand in front of a classroom full of students and speak to them! I can't – I don't even know how to teach!"

He only smiled, "You will learn," he said.

"No I won't! I can't – why are you making me do this!" I was actually on the verge of tears – and then it hit me. "Wait – I still don't understand what this has to do with protecting the boy – or anyone for that matter." Honestly! It had nothing to do with him. Dumbledore wasn't serious – I wasn't going to be forced to teach – it was all a bad joke.

"This has everything to do with protecting the boy." Fuck. "Voldemort wished you to become the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I believe he always had a special place in his heart for Hogwarts and simply wanted to have a foothold in the school. He once requested the position for himself, when he was not much younger than you are now. I denied him this of course, and I believe he chose you Severus, his quiet, obedient servant to take up the position as the next best thing." Was Dumbledore really going to bring up how subservient and insignificant I once more?

He read my mind with out Legilimens again. "Oh yes Severus, just as in school you went fairly unnoticed as a Death Eater, which is why you were the ideal choice for him. No one would think twice to question the appointment of you as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

I cut him off - "Fine. So make me the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! You know what - I want to teach that class. At least then I could do something useful. Unlike the imbeciles I had to learn from - I actually know what the students would need be taught in order to defend themselves!"

But he cut me off, "If you can teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, then you can teach Potions." I buried my head in my hands. "What is it?" he asked again.

"That's not the point," I began, but there was no point in explaining… "You wouldn't understand. I won't do it."

"You said you would do anything." He spoke in that horrid mock tone of his, "Just a few moments ago you were willing to take on all of the Death Eaters single handedly and now you won't accept the simple request of teaching Potions classes? That is absurd Severus."

I glared at him. I could have spit. Again he had twisted my words. Again he had me.

"Severus, you will continue to act as my spy, but you will do so under the cover of having been appointed Potions Master." He spoke with authority, he meant for me not to argue.

I wasn't dissuaded, "If this is simply a matter my being under cover, then why can I not teach Defense Against The Dark Arts. If I have accomplished what the Dark Lord asked of me, would it not look better, if he does return? I don't believe in the curse Dumbledore, let me do it."

"No Severus, I will not let you teach that class," he told me.

Why wouldn't he let me? "Are you afraid I would be tempted practice horrible Dark Magic if I were to confront it in class?"

"That's not what I said," but Dumbledore did not elaborate any further.

"That's not what you said, but that is what you meant. You don't trust me." I wasn't afraid to say it, for I knew it was true.

"This is all irrelevant Severus," he said with a sigh of exhaustion or frustration. Either way, it was not lost on me that he did not deny what I had said. I glared at him as he went on. "You will take up the position of Potions Master and that is where we must leave this discussion, for I have other more pressing matters to attend to. Now, I suggest you take the rest of this day to become acclimated. Come back here tomorrow at eleven in the morning. We will discuss things further with Professor Slughorn, who will be more than happy to answer any other questions you might have."

"Fine." I didn't want to talk to him anymore anyway.

"And Severus," he just had to add, "I mean eleven in the morning, and not a minute earlier."

"Fine." I said to that snarky git. And with that I turned on my heals and stomped out of the office.

~The Water

I was so mad when I left Dumbledore's office – and yet I was already regretting many of the things I had said. The portraits scoffed at me as I passed them and I was suddenly made aware of my pain again. Every inch of my body ached… so intense was the fatigue that I began to wonder how I would walk back to the room, but I made it somehow...

I walked into the room, and for the first time I was able to take it in through the full light of day. It was still stark and empty, but the blue light, which had so comforted me the night before, had become all the more radiant through the light of the sun… And suddenly I was dying to know. I walked to the window and drew back the curtain – The grotto! The windows looked out upon the caves and thus would show the stars and the sky. Not all the rooms in Slytherin look out upon sky. From my old dorm room I could make out the grounds. This new room, as I looked around it was roughly the same size, only it would not be shared of course, and the bed was bigger. The covers were not emerald green, but black. I realized how much I had missed my old room, but this new one was not so horrid. It was in truth… a nice room.

I walked toward the door along the back wall near the window. I entered the room, it looked exactly as our bathrooms had in our old dorm rooms - and just like our old bathroom, and I knew where the other door would lead. I had almost forgotten, but I was actually excited to enter it…

The poolroom. I wasn't prepared. All the bathrooms in Slytherin had adjoining rooms with swimming pools - it's where we all took baths. I know the three other dorms have no such thing… They all had bathtubs - but in Slytherin, we had pools. The pools are all interconnected underground in some way as they are all fed by the lake. This room was far more beautiful then our shared poolrooms - and even those were nice. The pool in this room was also slightly bigger and deeper then the one to which I had been accustomed.

So I walked down the set of three stone steps and into the stone walled room. It was empty save for the silver sconces upon the wall. There were three of them, each an elaborately carved coiling serpent. The flames of the candles were glowing, giving off a bluish green light. The flames matched exactly the color and light radiating from the water in the pool itself. Steam roses up from the water, for even though it flows in from the lake, the water in Slytherin is always warm.

I wanted nothing more than to be immersed in that water. I couldn't remember the last time I had taken a bath. I was an absolute mess. I knelt by the side and submerged my fingers into the glowing fluid. I was so exhausted, I nearly allowed myself to fall forward into it with my clothes on… but I still had the presence of mind to take them off.

Having to do so, every time, means having to face it - them. Just let me be in the water I thought, don't make me have to look upon my forearms, but I always do. It makes no difference at all, for feel them whether I see them or not. The Dark Mark on my left arm burns me with shame and guilt. It is the visible scar, proving that I have been defiled – that I allowed myself to be defiled. It is the symbol for all of the sins I have ever committed. Still, despite the pain I continue to feel in it at times, I sometimes think it not punishment enough – for I must also face the marking upon my right arm…

The other marking – the one that in another life once filled me with joy - the one that now stings me with the same agonizing shame… Her mark. The doe, surrounded by lilies... And now it stands as a monument for all of the sins I have committed against her. I had not looked upon it since having taken her life… and I instantly wanted nothing more than to drown myself in the pool…

I stepped into it – but it took me it took me. I felt as though the fluid had entered into my blood. The warmth of it took over my entire body. I could have come it was that intense. I closed my eyes and let go, submerging myself completely. Yes,take me home.

My eyes were actually tearing under the water. Home… I was home. I was no longer sad or upset. I was just, home. I was home in Slytherin and I was safe. The lake – the house and the castle had me. I was safe. I swear it was the first time I had felt truly at peace in the three years since I had left the school. I was home. This water, this room – it was… mine. My room. I suddenly felt as if I could have a life there. No, it wouldn't be much. It would never be what I dreamed – nor could I ever allow myself such things after what I have done… but I could have some form of a life. I could read books, perhaps even write and swim every night in that water… and I would be all right.

I swam for a while... then I picked up my things and went back into my bedroom. I left my clothes on the dresser and practically fell on to the bed. I considered taking more potion, but I found the bed itself to be a more potent drug than the toxins of the night before. Of course it was. It had been three years since I have even had a bed. For all the time I was a spy for the Dark Lord, I lived like an insect. I lived between the walls in a crawl space above an inn back in Hogsmeade. I barely even had a mat, forget blankets or pillows. So I lay there letting sleep take me, as my still wet hair soaked the covers… I began to weigh what was worse, the exposure - forced to stand before a classroom but come home to a bed, or to live anonymously like an animal… I was unconscious long before my mind had been made up.

It was not long before I realized it either – but I had made a grave mistake. I should have taken the potion…