August 19th, 2008

Dear Mom,

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I've been a little bit busy still settling in. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason are really trying to get me to feel good. For the last couple days, Uncle Jason has been helping me change around my room. It kind of looks like my old room back at home now. Aunt Kathy has been giving me her sleeping pills so that I'm not so tired during the day. She's starting to get a little worried that I'll get addicted to them, so she hasn't been giving me much anymore.

School's starting soon. I still don't know if I'm excited just yet. I've been here with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason for a little less than two weeks now, and it gets kind of boring, because I wish I had people to talk to that are my own age. I don't know if I told you, but I talked to Dallas a couple days ago. She says she likes it in college and she's okay. I'm glad to know that she's doing fine.

I guess I'm missing something important. Like the fact that my birthday is tomorrow. I don't feel any different. This birthday isn't like the others. It's my first birthday without you. Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason said that we could eat cake and ice cream and watch movies. I'm a little excited about that.

Yesterday evening whenever Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jason went to the gas station, I got on the computer and read a little bit of the Bible. I thought it'd make me feel better to read up about God, but it didn't. I don't think I would be so confused if I knew what happened whenever people die. I don't think anyone can be sure though.

You remember how much I hate the dentist? Well Aunt Kathy set me up with a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned before school. I don't wanna get my teeth cleaned. I didn't realize how much work it was to move from one place to another until yesterday. Aunt Kathy got me a new doctor that I have to go see today.

We have a busy day. I have to go see the doctor to get my physical so that I can start school. Then I have to actually get registered for school. I'm a little scared to be the new girl in school. I just hope that maybe people will like me. And hopefully I make some friends. I think my doctor's appointment is at 11:30, so I have to go now mommy. I love you. I know you can't, but asking makes me feel better, so please write soon?

Until next time,

Love always,

Demi.

I walk a little fast down the hall to the steps. I don't smell food cooking, which is unusual for here. My aunt is always cooking something when I wake up. I go downstairs and round the corner into the big kitchen.

"Good morning Demi. If you're hungry, grab a bowl of cereal. We have to leave soon." My aunt is sitting at the kitchen island drinking a cup of coffee.

"Morning…" I grab a blue glass bowl from the cabinet. I'm a little embarrassed, but I don't know where the cereal is. My face must be blank, because almost as if she can read my thoughts, my aunt speaks up.

"In the pantry, honey." She looks back down at the newspaper.

I open up the pantry and look at what there is to eat. There are so many boxes and cans of everything in here. I look at the cereal: Fruit loops, Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, Honey Combs, Honey Bunches of Oats, plain Cheerios, apple cinnamon Cheerios, Kix, Reese's Puffs. I settle for a bowl of Golden Grahams.

"Demi, when you get dressed, make sure you put on shorts. You're getting a physical today." Aunt Kathy gets up and puts her coffee cup in the sink. She stands behind me and plays with my hair.

"I will."

"Do you want to do something different with your hair for school?" I think she's weaving a braid into my hair.

"I don't know… I guess." I shrug.

"I know this real good hairdresser. I'll take you to see her."

"Okay." I finish my cereal. My aunt takes her hands out of my hair and lets me get up.

"Go on and get dressed, kid. Hurry up so we're not late."

I get up from the stool I was sitting on and walk upstairs to my bedroom. I'm in an oddly good mood today.

I follow my aunt's instructions and pull on a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. I even slide on a pair of flip flops, because I'm sure the weather is permitting.

I hurry up and wash my face and brush my teeth and run downstairs. When I'm not thinking about it, living with my aunt and uncle isn't so bad.

I walk out to the car with my aunt and get into the passenger's seat.

"Where's Uncle Jason?" I ask. I fasten my seat belt as my aunt climbs into the driver's seat.

"He had to go do something for the new troops that are training. He'll be back soon. It's just you and me today."

"…How come you guys have been here so long?"

Aunt Kathy pulls out of the driveway. "What do you mean kid?"

"Like… when you're in the service… I thought families relocate a lot. Why have you guys been in Florida so long?"

"Back whenever your uncle was deployed for the first time, we were stationed here in Daytona Beach. We both loved it, so we decided to opt for permanent placement. I don't travel with your uncle anymore."

"…Does it make you sad to stay here while he goes to different countries?"

"No. I'd rather be here in a permanent place. You know?"

I nod. "Why'd you decide to stop traveling with him, though?" I look out the window at all the palm trees we're passing.

"Because believe it or not, once upon a time, your uncle and I tried to start a family together. And I never thought it would be wise to have a baby in ten million different countries."

"I thought you never wanted kids, Aunt Kathy…"

"Well of course I wanted them. But eventually we both realized that it wasn't meant for us to be parents." My aunt seems like she's glad that we're talking. I'm glad too.

"So you just gave it all up?"

"For a little while we did. Jason planned on retiring from the service, so we thought then that we'd adopt."

"Why didn't he retire?"

"The 9-11 attacks got him motivated to go serve again. He was over in Iran for a couple months before he went to Afghanistan. And when we came back from Afghanistan back in April, we talked about trying for a family again."

"…And what went wrong this time?"

"I got the call about your mother. And she told me how she left you and Maddie in Dallas's care. And I knew that I would have to take care of you guys when the time came. I knew Dallas wouldn't do it. So now I have you, and I don't need a baby anymore."

"But I'm not your kid…"

"I consider you as mine. I know your mom would have wanted me to fill in for her."

"…Did she have a plan?" I look out the window again and see that we're pulling into the parking lot of the Health Center.

"Your mom had a plan for you girls. Initially, she wanted Dallas to take care of you. She never wanted you guys to be split up. But I know she'd be okay with me having you and Eddie having Maddie."

"I hope you're right."

"Don't worry about it anymore, Demi. Your mom is okay. I know it still stings a little bit, but your mom is… better. She's not suffering anymore." She parks the car and turns towards me.

I scare myself at how easily I can cry sometimes. One minute I feel fine, but the next minute, they bring up my mom and I just lose it. I put my head down and sigh. "I just didn't think it was going to happen…" I blubber.

"I know you didn't. But she knew it was gonna happen, honey. She knew… I know it still hurts." My aunt wraps her arms around my body in an awkward manner and hugs me.

"….I always thought that chemo would work…" I rest my head on my aunt's shoulder and cry a little bit.

"Not always… not always." She rubs my back and lets me have my moment.

I sniff and keep lying on her. It feels good to be comforted.

"….Let's go see the doctor now. And then we can go to the school. And if you're feeling up to it, we can take a trip to Walmart and see what kind of neat little birthday gifts they have." She wipes my tears from my face. "Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad for your birthday. Smile today and tomorrow for her…"

I sigh softly and nod. "Okay."

Both my aunt and I get out of the car and head into the doctor's office.

The doctor here is way nicer than it is at home. It has bright green walls and dark brown carpet. Everything is made of glass, including the chairs. It looks very modern and sophisticated. "Take a seat over in the corner there. I'll get you signed in." My aunt pats my butt lovingly.

I sit in a glass chair beside a television set and wait. She checks into a window and grabs a clipboard and stuff. She sits beside me.

"Help me answer a couple questions about yourself?"

"..Sure."

"Name?"

I laugh a little bit. "Demetria Lovato."

"Sex?"

"I think I'm a female."

Aunt Kathy laughs a little bit too and fills everything out that she already knows about me. Like my name, birthday, address and phone number.

"When was your first period, Demi?"

"..When I was… thirteen."

"Most recent period?"

"….I don't know. I haven't had one in a while…"

"What do you mean? You've skipped months?"

"…Yeah. Like… two."

"We'll talk to the doctor about that."

My aunt and I are both silent for a while after that. I try to remember when my last period was.

I don't remember when it was. I remember having it, and then it just stopped one month. I know I'm not pregnant or anything, because I'm a virgin. I don't know why my period stopped. I meant to tell my mom about that, but it always slipped my mind. Come to think about it…. I think my last period was three or four months ago, right after my mom was gone. I don't think I've had a period since.

"Demetria?"

I look up from my lap, over at who called my name. A short, chunky old woman called my name from an open door.

"Come on Demi." My aunt stands up. I stand up too and follow both the old woman and my aunt back through a long hallway. We go into a room.

"Step right onto the scale." The old woman tells me. I carefully step onto it. The woman balances it out and weighs me.

"121…" She lifts a stick up and puts it on top of my head. "About… give foot… two inches tall." She grabs a plastic stick. "Under your tongue please."

I open my mouth and put the thermometer under my tongue.

"You're… running a slight fever. 100.2." She straps a cuff around my arm and takes my blood pressure too. "Your blood pressure is normal."

"Is she sick? Should I grab her Tylenol?" My aunt puts her hand to my forehead.

"Tylenol would help bring it down."

I don't feel sick. I don't have a headache, a stuffy nose or even a sore throat. I feel fine.

Maybe the Florida weather is just getting to me.

"I know you keep saying you don't want anything for your birthday, but seriously? There isn't anything you'd like?" Aunt Kathy is pushing a grocery cart down the aisles.

"…No. I'm okay." I keep trying to tell her.

"Demi. You're starting a brand new school in a week. You saw the school today. It's huge, isn't it? There isn't ANYTHING you want? Like… a new hair straightener? Or some makeup? There's nothing you want for your birthday?"

"N-O. NO."

"…Well come help me pick out a laptop. I'm buying myself a laptop."

"Okay."

We walk over to the electronics section of the store and walk up the laptop aisle.

"Which one do you like? I usually look for the fastest running."

"If you like fast ones, you should probably get like…. One of those Apple computers."

"The MacBooks? Have you ever had one? Do they run fast?"

"Mom and dad could never afford to get me one but I hear they work really good."

"Hmmm… okay. What color should I get?"

"The yellow one is pretty."

"Yeah I like the yellow too. Doesn't Apple make that really cool new cell phone?"

"The iPhone."

"I guess that's what it's called. You ever see one of those things?"

"Yeah one of my friends back home had one. It was really cool."

"I was thinking about buying your uncle one of those. I'm still thinking about it though." She wheels the cart over to the customer service section. "I'd like one of those MacBook laptops please."

A tall, nerdy boy walks over and unlocks the door to the laptops. "What color would you like ma'am?"

"The yellow one please."

The boy grabs the yellow MacBook from the cabinet and hands it to my aunt.

"Thanks." Aunt Kathy puts it in the cart and we keep moving along the aisles. "I'm gonna go to the personals aisle. We need some toilet paper. Do you need anything?"

"No ma'am."

We walk to the toiletry aisle and I watch my aunt grab whatever is needed in the house. She grabs toilet paper, toothpaste, body wash, some lotion and a box of tampons. "Do you use pads or tampons, Demi?"

"I don't need any… I don't get my period."

"But the doctor said that you should prepare to get it within these next months. Depression should only keep your period away for a little while longer. Pads or tampons?"

"…I don't prefer anything. I usually use pads… but I can use tampons too." I shrug.

She grabs a pack of pads from the shelf. They're maxipads, but they're thin and they come in a black wrapper.

"Regular, super or super plus?"

"..You already got me pads…"

"Does your brain ever hurt from worrying so much, kid? Stop worrying so much."

"…Regular."

She drops another box of tampons in the cart for me. "Let's go home. I'm hungry. Are you?"

"Yeah I am. A little bit."

Aunt Kathy goes to a self checkout and pays for everything in the buggy. I can't believe that she has the money to just go splurge on a new laptop like that.

I help her carry the bags out to the car and we start driving back home.

"Demi. I want you to listen to me. Okay?"

"I'm listening, Aunt Kath."

"Stop worrying so much about spending money. You're my responsibility now, alright? I have the money to spend on you. I can spend it. You don't worry about it."

"…I don't like for you to spend anything on me though… it doesn't feel right." I sigh.

"I know you're not used to it. But you gotta start. Look, kid. All I ask from you is that you don't give me any trouble and keep your grades up when school starts. I'll give you anything you want, Demi. Anything your little heart desires, it's yours. Just be a good kid."

I decide to make a joke. I'm usually always funny, but I haven't been lately. "…I want a car for my birthday."

"…Seriously? What kind of car?"

"I'm not serious, Aunt Kathy."

"…You aren't? Well you are gonna be sixteen. Maybe a little car for you to get around in isn't a bad idea. Let's just get your permit first."

"Don't get me a car."

"Not for your birthday, but eventually."

"…Okay. Okay."

I don't wanna be a brat, but I could really get used to being spoiled rotten.