~Sunday 8 November 1981 - Dusk, My Room
I am so tired… but I will not be able to sleep until I write this….
~Nightmares and The Second Day
I was wrong that night not to take the potion. With out the toxins to calm me, I had such vivid, horrific nightmares which were made all the worse because they were real. They were not dreams but memories of past events come back to haunt me while I slept. For that entire day and that night I dreamt about Evan. I would give anything to forget, but I can't... Why did I have to dream such things about him – about that day?
That day…I remember all too well, that horrible winter day… gray, painfully cold from the biting wind. I felt the ice in my bones despite the many layers I wore. As usual I had a hood and a scarf wrapped around my face so that no one would see me. How he found me in the crowded Hogsmeade side street like that I will never know. But he grabbed me and threw me up against the wall forcing my shoulders back into the ragged stone wall. He got right into my face and frantically whispered what he would otherwise have screamed.
"Severus – What the fuck are you doing!" Wilkes. He glared at me with wild blood shot eyes that had not seen sleep for many days.
"What the fuck are you doing Wilkes!" I threw him off me at once. As I furious as I was with him for attacking me, I could not help but feel euphoric at the sight of him. I hadn't seen any of my friends since we'd left school. I would never have imagined it, but he clearly was upset that I had hidden from them.
"Where the fuck have you been! None of us see you," he was really mad, and his exact words I sadly cannot remember. But he went on scolding me for a few more minutes before I could calm him down.
"I can't be seen by anyone," I reminded him, "and I myself cannot see anyone either. I am a spy. None of us are supposed to see each other." I kept pushing his hands off me, because he kept trying to take off my hood.
"Severus, you're the only one that takes that shit seriously," he went on in a fury, but then he actually said something nice about me. He said something about my devotion and how it made me unfit to be a Death Eater - that I was too good for it. Why can I not remember his words when I must be forced to recall every God damn syllable spoken by Albus Dumbledore and myself?
Wilkes went on speaking quickly while he shook me by my shoulders, "You're not meant for this shit! Do you understand me! Fuck - none of that matters now! Come back now - we need you! We fucking need you! They're going to kill Evan!"
"What!" I nearly screamed, "What the fuck why didn't you tell me first thing off you idiot – where is he! Is he alright!"
Wilkes was practically spitting with rage as he muttered in an incoherent fury. I slapped him hard and then he spoke sense, "Moody – Mad-Eye fucking Moody! They know Severus – they know Evan a Death Eater! They fucking caught Evan stealing and now they know - and they're after him!"
I grabbed him and shook him by the shoulders. "Who gives a fuck! Evan is a thief and a bad one at that. If he has managed to plunder so much as fifteen galleons in all this time I will be fucking shocked Wilkes, so why the hell are the Aurors after him!"
"Because you idiot – he's an easy target!" He was foaming at the mouth, making no sense and he calls me an idiot. So I shook him again to shut him up. And what did he mean by easy target?
"That makes no fucking sense." I told him, "Moody could easily take out an army, and Evan could easily take out himself with one slip of a wand, he's that clumsy. Why would they bother to send Moody to arrest him?"
Wilkes was livid. "Where have you fucking been!" he howled, "Have you been in a Goddamn cave? Severus - The Ministry authorized the use of unforgivable curses! Weeks ago! They don't arrest Death Eaters any more – they kill you on the spot!"
What – how! My Heart stopped. I felt sick. They'll kill us if they find us! All of us? What about the ones who aren't evil? What about Evan! He was foolish boy who tripped and fell over his own feet, the worst thing her ever did was knock over shops and they would kill him! "Bring Evan to me, if anyone can hide him I can, its what I do best as you have so relentlessly pointed out."
"No!" he nearly screamed. "You don't fucking get it Severus! They are all furious with him – Avery, Nott, Rodolphus and Lucius –The Dark Lord and Evan's own fucking father! They are punishing him for having been caught and for embarrassing them. They've ordered him to kill Moody!"
I went off my head. "What – no! He can't!"
Wilkes grabbed me and started shaking me again. I cannot recall the full extent of his rant but he just kept shaking me hard saying to me over and over - "Severus, you have to help – we have to help him! We have to do something!"
I would have done anything to save Evan – I wanted to help him but I didn't know what to do. Then I suddenly realized how near to impossible it would be to aid him. "Wilkes if I come out of hiding, The Dark Lord will kill me - and my parents before I'd even have a chance to do anything. But even that doesn't matter. Think about it Wilkes! If I were to succeed in aiding him – it would only make things worse! If they've ordered him to kill Moody and we did it – The Dark Lord would kill the both of us as well as Evan! We can't save him!"
I'd said it. As soon as I did the full agonizing reality over took me. It was awful, but we had to resign ourselves to the truth. "If The Dark Lord has marked Evan for death, there is nothing anyone can do. No one lives once he decides to kill them."
"I know that!" he shouted back at me in anger.
"Than what the hell are we going to do!" I cried out as I slapped him again.
He nearly punched me. Then he shoved me aside and yelled, "I don't know! I don't know!" He was crying and pulling at his hair. It was horrible to watch. Over the years, I'd come to not trust any of them…. Save for Evan and her. Avery had become a bloodthirsty tyrant. Mulciber had become a brutally aggressive thug, and Wilkes… you just never knew with him. But as I watched him in absolute terror at the thought of losing Evan, I dropped all of my suspicions. I know things were always complicated between them. I know the fear of their families finding out kept them apart. To this day I don't know if they worked things out in the years since we all left school… Whatever the case I knew how he felt, I could see it in his eyes. Evan was the only thing that mattered to him.
I didn't want to lose Evan either, the thought was unbearable. "Alright," I said grabbing hold of his shoulders again. I shook him hard and forced him to focus on me, "Listen, we'll think of something. In the mean time, you must find Evan. I'm going to teach you a spell, at the very least you must show Evan how to do this so that he will have some way of defending himself. He could never pull off a killing curse or anything even close to it… but you cannot allow him to go up against Moody with nothing. Work with him Wilkes, make sure he that learns this… it won't be easy for him, but you have to make him understand." And with that I taught him the use of Sectumsempra.
I left Wilkes and returned to my hiding place. What had I done? It seemed so wrong… that I had taught my unspeakable, violent creation to Wilkes as a means to save Evan. That spell had been unconsciously born from a fit of despair – from the agonizing longing I felt at the absence of Lily's love. I used it to hurt myself. The sin and shame of the thing was too much to bear. I swore I would only use it against enemies. The thought that such a terribly cursed creation would be Evan's only hope at survival frightened me. Always the same… I had nothing to offer but sin and destruction…
Two days passed. I was out walking again. Everyone was bundled up against the biting wind, but one figure all in black was unmistakable. Wilkes. He ran, practically flew into me nearly knocking me over. "Where is he! Where is Evan!"
"I don't know," and even as I said it, the terror had over taken me - for I already knew. Wilkes and I stared at each other for merely a second then we both tore off together, instinctively in the direction of the Hogsmeade High street. Neither of us said a word. We ran for what seemed to be far too long. I couldn't think I could only feel. Fear, adrenaline - run faster – that's all there was. Then suddenly I had a flash of memory – all of us running this very way through Hogsmeade. We were teenagers in a fleeing in a fit of joyful panic at in the face of being caught and given detention. But that was over. Only abject terror remained as we ran to find Evan.
I saw him first. We were running through the alley way, still concealed from sight - but I could see Moody standing in the street. To this day, I still don't know why I did it, but I grabbed Wilkes. I grabbed him hard to stop him from running and threw him into the wall. Before I'd even stopped to think I had thrown myself over him to prevent him from fleeing and covered his mouth with my hand to keep him from screaming.
I needed a second to think of what to do. At the very least I had to hold Wilkes back or he would certainly get himself killed by running in so recklessly. I turned to see what was going on in the street behind me.
I heard it before I could see, "Rosier!" Moody shouted. To my absolute horror, there was Evan. I threw my entire body against Wilkes to hold him back. It took all the strength I had to do it. Had I known, in that moment that I had just made a choice between the both of them, I don't know what I would have done. I honestly thought I would have more time. At the very least I thought Evan would have had a chance to-
But it was over before I'd even turned around. He killed him. Moody just killed him as if Evan been an insect. Wilkes was in shock, he fought me and I fought him as if to stop my own panic. I wanted to scream just as badly as did he. Tears flooded my eyes. It's not real. How could it be? He's not dead! No. I still wouldn't believe it even as I stared down at Evan's lifeless body.
But he's Evan. He's Evan - he can't be dead! He's in the Common Room with us making us laugh over his wand backfiring an aqua colored fluid into his face saying he had done it on purpose - he's not dead! But he was. He was dead! I'd never seen anyone die. It was his eyes… they were glass… completely empty. He was dead…
Moody still stood above him, very much alive. In the last second, Evan must have struck back, all be it feebly. A part of Moody's nose had been hexed off. Sectumsempra had failed him, and I had failed Evan. Wilkes struggled against me. I felt his tears pouring onto my hand. I'd failed him too. Yes I had likely saved his life by holding him back from the battle – if you can even call it that, but I'd failed them both. I let go. He collapsed and began to sob.
I knelt beside him. I didn't know what to do. I placed my hands on his shoulders and he instantly threw them off. He stared at me – his eyes – I stammered. There was nothing I could say to him so I said nothing. He pushed me hard and I did not fight him or protest at all. He shoved me again and I fell back onto my hands. I made no attempt to get up, but he did. I looked up at him. His eyes were wild – ice white and full of rage. I didn't move I just kept staring up at him speechless.
He fixed me with his gaze as his eyes glittered with tears – "Fuck you Severus!" He pushed me all the way to the ground. "Fuck you Severus. Fuck you!" He turned and tore off back through the alley. I never saw him after that.
I heard his footsteps as he ran away. I made no attempt to run after him. He was right to hate me. In the street I heard all the commotion over Evan and Moody. I couldn't look back. I just stared up at the sky not knowing what to do or think. What the hell kind of world had it become when people were just – killed – by the good people? What the hell was I doing? And if they we were the bad people – and the good now killed as ruthlessly as we did… Why?
Dear God Evan was dead. I just lay there twisted and paralyzed upon the frozen stone street starring up at the sky. The sky… it was lifeless, cold and full of pale gray clouds. White on white, and I could not move or take my eyes from that sky. I felt as dead as I do now.
Evan…
I cried when I woke up, just as I cry now. And now again I must stop writing. Dear God, now that I have written it, let me never think upon that day again…
~Sunday 8 November 1981 – Late Evening, My Room
I went into the pool in the hopes that it would help to stop my sadness. I think it did. I remembered good things, taking a bath when I was younger – after having smoked pot all night with them. I almost heard their laughter again and so… I think I can write more now.~One Final Frustrating Meeting With Dumbledore
The dreams of Evan had been too much. I couldn't get up and for the first time in two nights of sleeping on the bed. I actually pulled the blankets back and wrapped myself in them, I was freezing after having passed out with out my clothes. So I curled up under them and sobbed for Evan that morning. I toyed with the silver serpent ring on my finger. All six of usm my Slytherin friends and I had identical rings. It is a silver serpent coiled around my finger holding its tail in its mouth. Evan had stolen them for us one night. I think mostly of him when I look upon it… but that morning - for the first time, I feared for Wilkes. I had not seen him since that day. The fear was enough to stop me from crying drove me to get up.
I walked to the table where I had left my clothes. I finally saw them in full – they were a wreck. I was really upset to see them in such a state… that I had allowed them to become such a mess. They had given to me by Tisiphone before we'd left school. Its stupid really, but she'd placed protective charms on them, and they were still holding up fairly well after all these years. It wasn't much, and yet so rare was it that I was ever given gifts at all. For three years my clothes, the ring and my wand were practically all I owned.
I wish with all my heart that still I had something given to me by Lily. I remember she gave me flowers once when we were young... Neither of us had much so she gave me flowers. Even with all the money in the world they were the most wonderful things I had ever been given. I remember them still and it pains me to do so as I know they are gone foreve… just like her. But they were beautiful, Lavender and daffodils. I cherished them - I kept them for years in a book but… it was a spell book and he found it. He burnt it. And because of him, I lost the greatest gift I had ever been given.
I wish I could have them back. I wish that I now I had something of hers. I would – but – no. No I can't. I deserve so such thing. I have my ring from Evan, and my filthy clothes… It was all I deserved so I took my wand and cast several charms upon them. The magic removed the wrinkles and ash and what I knew was my own blood. That run through the forest had been far worse than I remembered. The cuts were still on my hands still and I remembered how I'd gotten them that night I left Dumbledore. Right, Dumbledore. Thankfully it was near enough to eleven so that my wait for answers was not long.
I was still upset as I rose up the spiral staircase to Dumbledore's office, but was sure to hide it well before I reached the landing. He answered the door and right away I could see what kind of a conversation it would be. "Ah, Severus, you came!" he said jovially.
Fantastic, he was playing the foolish old man game again. Did he really think I wouldn't come? "Sir, you told me to be here at eleven."
"So I did, come in come in." He spoke as if this was a normal day, as if nothing horrific had ever happened. "Can I offer you a liquorish snap?"
As if I would start eating sweets, magical or not... "No thank you." I stood before his desk with my hands behind my back and hoped to hell he would be serious and forthcoming with answers for a change.
"Very well," he said and he graciously took his place behind his desk. "Horace will be joining us in a few minutes time, have a seat Severus."
If I sat, would this further strip me of power? Had that been his purpose, or was he genuinely being kind to me? I still have a difficulty in understanding his motivations at times. I did as he told me in the hopes that he would be more receptive if I did.
"I have been thinking Severus," he began but trailed off and seemed to study me from across the desk. Already I was sick to my stomach with dread over what ever it was he had been thinking. He twirled his thumbs for a few agonizing moments before he continued. "I have come to believe that you are right, and that it would be for the best if no one else besides else besides the two of us knows what you are doing for Harry, for the time being at least."
I only nodded. There are just too many ways in which I could respond to such a loaded statement.
"We will indeed keep this between the two of us. Which brings me to my next point." He looked at me with that devious glint in his eyes. I glared back and would not give him the satisfaction of a response. "Severus, do you still have your Death Eater mask and robes?"
At first I said nothing. That was the last thing I expected to be asked that morning. But I told him the truth. "Avery took my mask years ago. He said I wouldn't need it since I would be living in the shadows. He said having multiple masks would aid him greatly since he would be the one going on raids. I gave it to him with no hesitation. I never used it much anyway. My robes… those are in Hogsmeade. Still in the crawl space where I lived all that time…"
"Good, good," he said. "I'd like for you to retrieve your robes and hold on to them for future use. Will you do this?"
"Yes Sir," there was no point in arguing, though the dread within me had grown all the more painful as I sat there fearing a returning to that place….
"You needn't do it today, but the sooner the better," he just had to add.
"Yes, Sir." I had to change the subject. It was killing me – all of it was. "Headmaster, What are you and Horace going to talk to me about?"
"Oh I won't be talking with you, Horace is going to take you to the Potions Classroom and show you around. He is the one passing the torch to you after all." He said this neglecting the fact that I had not fully agreed to do this.
"Sir, won't Horace have classes to teach?" I asked him, hoping I could at least delay the meeting long enough for to change Dumbledore's mind about the whole absurd thing.
"Oh no of course not!" He said, in that mocking tone, laughing at me because he was shocked that I didn't know. Well how would I know these things! "Professor O'Malley, the current Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher has been teaching in his place these past few days. You see Severus, I'm afraid, Professor Slughorn has… shall we say, been through a rather large shock and has not felt up to the task of teaching."
"Wait a minute!" I'd cut him off - was he mental? "You are telling me that he has been through a shock and can not teach! Have I not been through a shock as well! And clearly, Professor Slughorn who has at least had years of experience in teaching would be more adept to teach under such a shock than would I!"
"Perhaps Severus, you do have a point. However, Professor Slughorn had been considering retiring at the end of this year, and after all that has happened these past weeks he has chosen to do so a bit earlier then planned." He pause, glared straight into me. "You will do this Severus," and this he told me most sternly, "I will not ask you again. Remember your promise."
I said nothing. My mind was racing. Again I was full of fear and dread of what teaching would mean. I had nothing to say on that matter, not to him, and I knew I couldn't refuse him. My only hope was that somehow, Slughorn would change his mind.
I had sat silently for too long. Dumbledore interrupted my train of thought saying, "Severus, you have not given me an answer."
"Forgive me Sir, I did not think there had been a question." I could tell by the look on his face that he did not appreciate the cheek. Fine then, so I gave him his answer, "You have asked me to teach, and I agreed that I would do anything for you in return for your protecting them. Upon your request, I put myself at great risk and I acted as an informant for you with out hesitation, but now you have asked something of me that I simply cannot do. Why would you trust me to be with the students in such a way? I know nothing of teaching and I –"
"Severus, of course I trust you to be with the students," he said that, but there was something in his voice that I did not believe. "As to your ability to teach, I stand by what I have already said, I am sure you will learn over time. Horace will be here shortly. Any specific questions you have in regards to teaching Potions you can ask of him. I am afraid, that is his area of expertise not mine. Now I must insist that you stop acting so childishly about this."
Childishly? How was I being childish? Because I was afraid? Yes, it makes me pathetic, I know that – but at the very least I was being honest. Was he not at all concerned for the welfare of the students under my guidance – if I even had any guidance to give? What if I was a horrible teacher? What if God forbid I treated the students like my father treated me – what if I were to become him! Did Dumbledore not see what a terrible impact I would have on countless students if I were to fail! This wasn't at all like asking me to spy for him - I was the only one likely to be hurt in that instance. "Sir, are you absolutely certain this is a good idea?"
"Severus, enough," he said harshly. Then he stood up and began to pace the room. "I have already expressed to you that we will no longer be arguing this point. There is little else you can do now at any rate. You forfeited the ability to make such choices when you joined forces with the Death Eaters, so I will hear no more of it."
"Yes Sir," there was no point in arguing. I took a deep breath and resigned myself to it. "I will do this." After that I could only stare at the floor. He said nothing for a long while.
"I am glad you have finally come to your senses." Dumbledore again spoke with the most irritant tone… and then he said it. "Then we have come to an agreement. Beginning Monday the sixteenth of November, you will officially take up the post of Potions Master."
I answered him, "Yes," though I could barely speak the word. So soon. Ten days. In ten days I would have to teach... I couldn't even look at him. I felt my knees grow weak and was suddenly glad to be sitting, less he should see me so weakened. Several silent moments passed. There was no sense in holding back any longer. "Sir?" I said finally looking up at him
"Yes," he sounded annoyed, "What is it?"
Finally I had worked up the nerve to say it. "Sir, what happened to Caligula?"
"Who?" Clearly he had not expected this, for he sounded completely bewildered.
"Caligula –Caligula Wilkes," even after I'd said his full name, Dumbledore still looked at my quizzically. "Remember? He was a student here once, a Slytherin he was my friend. What happened to him, where is he?"
"I remember Wilkes well," he said calmly," but Severus, why is it that you do not know these things yourself?
I was tired of justifying everything to him, but I did so anyway. "Sir, I have told you. When I was with the Death Eaters, it was just as it was when I joined The Order. I was never in attendance at meetings, and I saw no one save for the one in charge. I never asked any questions, I simply did what I was told. I was rarely told anything of great importance. I do not know anything about the fate of Caligula Wilkes."
"Caligula Wilkes is dead." He just said it – flat with no emotion, no empathy - as if he spoke of a person far removed by centuries of time.
Why did he not just stab me! Wilkes? No! I began to panic - "How! When –"
"Quite recently," he was far too callous in his explanation. "He was killed after a brief duel with several Aurors from whom he was trying to flee."
I wanted to say something, but the air had been sucked from my lungs and I could not breathe or speak. I could only stare at Dumbledore as I fought to find my breath.
"It appears that the Aurors were not the only pursuers he was trying to avoid. According to the Ministry report, Voldemort himself waned to kill him. Voldemort had already killed his entire family, even his father with whom Voldemort had been good friends."
Why was he telling me this? Him? The Dark Lord – Friends? I didn't care – I still don't care! "Wilkes was my friend – What happened to him?"
"Voldemort tried to kill him,' he said, and then his tone turned dark. "He wanted to kill them all because Wilkes would not agree to torture Sirius Black."
"What!" I gasped.
He must have seen my shock and distress for he finally spoke to me with the slightest hint of empathy. "Yes, after he became the Secret Keeper for the Potters, it appears the Death Eaters became suspicious of him. Wilkes was ordered to torture the information out of Sirius, but when he refused, Voldemort sought to kill him along with his entire family for his disloyalty."
"What!" I couldn't get my head around it. What was this about torturing Black and why had I not heard about it! "But Black –"
He cut off what I'm sure would have been another heated rant that I would later have regretted. "Yes, in the end it seems that Black was more than willing to give up such information, having already been a loyal Death Eater."
That still left so many questions, and I was desperate for answers, "So-" but I was denied for he cut me off again.
"That is all I know, and therefore all I can tell you." Dumbledore said to permanently silence me. And then he said it… "You see Severus, I do give you information when you ask for it. And as to your being absent from Order meetings, I never requested you keep such a distance. As I suspect it was when you were a Death Eater, it was your choice to remain segregated from the group."
I wanted to scream but even as I sat there staring I knew it to be true, at least partially. Well how could I? I was corrupted and dangerous. There was no way I could be with them. I was a Death Eater, I was marked, I was cursed - so could I be anywhere near to her – to any of them?
And after all this - what about Wilkes! Caligula I never trusted in full - but he might have died heroically – to defend a man who turned out to be a traitor anyway. Had Wilkes truly turned good in the end? Why – how? And when the hell did Black become a Death Eater anyway! How could he do it? Was Wilkes all right? Had he suffered? So many questions, which will forever remain unanswered. I wanted to ask, I almost did…
But then I looked up at Dumbledore, and saw it. How it will always be with him. For the rest of my life - I will come to him with questions only be turned away with far more questions and no solid answers at all. And just because fate so loves too add more mocking insult to my grievous injuries, at just that moment Horace Slughorn entered the office.
I can't do this anymore. I can't breathe. I need air….