~Sunday 8 November 1981 – Late Evening, My Room

I was going to stop tonight after writing about Wilkes and Evan, but I feel even further from sleep now. I need to face what happened between Slughorn and myself before I can find peace on this night.

~Obligations and Responsibilities

Horace Slughorn, there he stood. It seemed like a dream for I had not seen him in what seemed to be decades, but there he was in Dumbledore's office as if no time had passed at all. "Severus!" he shouted far too forcefully to be considered civilized and then he hurried across the floor to me. "There you are!" he cried out as he lifted me up from the chair before I could even stand on my own. Honestly. I did not need to be hugged at all, let alone as brutally as he had done. Well when Dumbledore told me you had come back to teach I could scarcely believe it! Well look at you boy, you haven't changed at all – well, perhaps you've grown thinner since you were in my class but you don't look a day over seventeen!" He just prattled on and on, laughing as he dragged me towards the door. "Well come on then, let's get this torch passed quickly then. The sooner the better I say, and when we're done I hope Dumbledore won't object to us making a visit to the Three Broomsticks to celebrate. I believe a few rounds would do us both good!"

Well at least he had made one good point. I let him lead me out of the office, anything to leave Dumbledore. Slughorn was no favorite of mine when I had been a student, but as he lead me down the hall I realized that I had not interacted with anyone save for Dumbledore since I had woken up in his office. Since the time before that was all a disturbing blur, my memories of speaking with Dumbledore were all I had. They were, because the portraits and my abomination of my trail certainly don't count. So I was suddenly very glad to be in Slughorn's presence. It's not that I was expecting sympathy or friendship from him, but I knew at least that he would not preach to me.

He talked the whole way. I wasn't listening. I hadn't thought of it at first, but when I came to realize where we were headed I nearly stopped waking. The Potions Classroom. I did not want to set foot in that room. That room - where for so many years I had been with Lily when we were friends… when we worked together and laughed… where I was alone while she ignored me across the room after we'd… I didn't want to go near that room. Far too many memories.

I began to feel the impending sense of something terrible as we neared the dungeons – just as I had when I'd been lead to my trial. What would happen when he opened the door, would she be there, as if nothing had happened – no, surely she would be waiting there to condemn me for what I had done… but even that foolish thought was far too pleasant a fantasy – for that room would undoubtedly be empty.

Horace said something to me. I hadn't heard, I blinked myself out of it and stared at him as he opened the door to the classroom. That smell. It was the smell got to me first – it wasn't awful –I felt no dread at all. I felt peaceful, as I had when I'd seen the light of the lake in my room in Slytherin. I remembered how much I had loved that classroom. I had been calmed by the scent and feel of the classroom when I had been a student. I'd barely realized it, but I was smiling.

"Good to come back to it after all this time isn't it?" Horace was saying.

"Yes," I said to him absent-mindedly. I was still taking it all in.

Nothing had changed. The whole world had been destroyed and blown away, but that room still remained. Slytherin still remained – the whole of Hogwarts remained in tact – the place I had once come to consider home. I felt there was some hope in that, despite the guilt I experienced at feeling any sense of peace at all.

"Yes yes," Slughorn was saying, "Always makes me cheerful to see the place again after the summer holidays, but then – I'll be leaving that to you now."

"Right…" I still wasn't registering it all. Because I knew I was not taking over for him. Not really.

"Now then, I'll be handing over the keys and undoing my protective spells on everything. You will need to recast your own charms. Severus?" Slughorn was tying to get my attention. He'd caught me in my trace.

"Sorry," I looked at him. He seemed different. I hadn't noticed in Dumbledore's office but he looked changed somehow. He looked the same – but he'd always seemed so cheerful. There was something different, something drained and… even melancholy about him. I didn't understand, and I couldn't help but wonder, "Sir, why are you leaving?"

He laughed, "Oh you know boy, one gets to the point where all of this is quite tiring. The pleasantries of life need to be enjoyed and I intend to take more time to do just that. I've had quite enough of this teaching business at my age!" I didn't need Legilimens to know he wasn't being entirely truthful – if not completely full of shit. This was not his usual from of exuberance. His energy as I knew it could never be restrained, but now it all felt so forced. What wasn't he telling me? "Well come on then, I'll show you to my – your office!"

I didn't find that funny or comforting at all. Office? I don't want an office! I lived like a criminal for years – I am a criminal. Don't give me an office from which to conduct business. I should not be responsible for such things – let alone the responsibility of teaching students! No. I will never have an office, but we'd reached the room and he had already opened the door.

I'd been in Slughorn's office only once before. This time it was different, half of it was packed up. Boxes and trunks were scattered about the room. "Have a seat Severus," he said to me as he pulled out a chair and sat down. He seemed tired in a way that was not explained by mere physical exhaustion alone. "So, Albus tells me you've come back to Hogwarts wanting teach!"

He didn't know. Dumbledore had lied to him. Right. That would be the lie told to everyone. I requested a teaching position and was given one. And just as Dumbledore would have it, that wasn't a complete lie, since I told him that the Dark Lord asked me to do this. Wonderful. "Yes, that's right," I lied to Horace, "I thought I would come back and teach…"

"That's marvelous!" He said, "You were a brilliant student! I couldn't have picked a better replacement…" but he trailed off. I knew exactly why he had stopped speaking. We both knew there was another who would have been far more qualified, had she been alive. I choked up at the mere suggestion of Lily, and he seemed to as well. I pretended not to notice his sorrow. I wonder if he in turn noticed mine and pretended not to see himself, for he said nothing. I fought back my tears. I had to focus, I had to remain emotionless – I had to change the subject.

"Sir. Do you… have any advice for me?" I was only asking him to redirect the conversation, and yet it occurred to me that I really did need to ask such a thing. What did I know about teaching? All those years I had been such an arrogant student, I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew far more than Horace who seemed nothing more that a foolish old man to me. What a fool I had been. There I sat – absolutely terrified at the prospect of teaching, ready to beg for help from the man I had once looked down upon with such seething contempt.

But he only smiled and laughed at me saying, "Oh Severus, you'll do just fine. You know the material!" Right. It was as if fate was of punishing me for my hubris. "I will leave everything for you – all my notes, all the potions in the stores will be at your disposal. Can't imagine you'd need anything else you'll be just fine."

He stood up and began packing. I didn't know what to do, so I stood up and tried to help him. "Sir, are you sure you really want to leave, I mean, don't you want to finish the term?" I asked. I had to try.

"No, no, I've got more than enough on my plate at the moment. That's all right you don't have to help me to pack. I've just about got this," he said still avoiding me.

I helped any way. I was just about to hand him a book, when he reached for something on his desk and collapsed into his chair. I ran to him, I thought for a moment he'd fainted – but he was awake – staring. His face was stark white as if he'd had a shock. I called out to him, but he did not fully answer me. He stammered his eyes glassed over as he continued to stare. I looked to the desk, "What is it Sir," I couldn't see anything, just a stack off books, a messy pile of quills, a glass bowl full of water and an inkwell.

His eyes filled with tears. "Severus," he said, but he didn't say anything else. He began to cry. It was awful. Suddenly I saw in him what I must have been like when I sat staring at nothing in Dumbledore's office. I didn't know what to do. He just cried and glared at that glass bowl.

"Severus, he said again and shook his head, "there are things…you wouldn't understand lad, you're too young… too young to understand guilt you know..." he shook his head and said no more. I knew he wasn't himself, I knew there was something wrong. He just stared and said again, "...too young. You can not imagine what guilt can do to a person." I had no idea what do say. Too young! Not understand guilt! – But I did! I did know – what had he meant? There was nothing that man could ever have done to match the horrible sins that I have committed. Not him, not Horace. There was not a hint of cruelty in him. He was just a silly, lonely old man who made bad jokes in class. He meant well, only I'd been too foolish when I was a young naive student to see that he had been a very kind hearted person. Always I am too late to see people for what they truly are.

I stood there beside him as he sat at his desk staring blankly trying not to cry. I had no idea what to do or say. I wanted to tell him he was a good man - that he had been a good teacher. I wanted to tell him that he could not possibly be guilty. I wanted to be able to say something to him - I wanted so much for him to say something to me, but neither of us spoke a single word.

After a few painfully silent moments, he stood up and told me that he didn't want to take up any more of my time, or something to that effect. It didn't matter what it was, I knew what he'd meant. I know what it is to want to run screaming from a room, and I wasn't about to deny him his opportunity to do so. I stood back so a not to hinder him as he raced about the room packing in a frenzy.

Again I asked if he needed help, but he just smiled and made some joke about not wanting to leave me with any more work. He knew what he was leaving me with. He just couldn't say so, and he couldn't stand to stay long enough to help me. Seeing him then, I finally understood why. I just wish I could have said something, if only to tell him, that I knew how he felt. That I was sorry, that I did understand guilt - likely more so than he. Why didn't I speak up! …Because Dumbledore is right, I cannot act when it counts.

So I watched in silence as Horace collected the remainder of his things and made his way towards the door. I didn't know if I should follow but in the end, I thought it best if I just let him go. When he reached the door he turned back to me and smiled. "You'll do alright Severus, you know. You just have to… do what you know is right." Clearly he was at a loss for what to say. I thought it frightful, how he was just leaving me with that, but it was worse, there was more. "Oh right!" he said catching himself – "The keys – the keys and the passwords."

Somehow I knew he meant more than keys to the office… "Keys, passwords, to what?"

He laughed at me, "The keys – to the office the classroom and the stores. I've taken down all other enchantments so that you can cast your own as an extra level for protection. And the current password to Slytherin is 'Thermae' at least – at least I think that is the current password…"

He trailed off. I was confused, "Why do I need to know the password?" But he hadn't heard me.

"At any rate" he went on as if I hadn't spoken, "As you'll recall they change every two weeks. Just ask your Prefects and they'll let you know."

Wait, why had he just said that? "Horace, why are you telling me this and what did you mean when you said 'your' Prefects?"

He looked at me as if I was some peculiar new breed of insect, then he smiled and laughed again, "Severus, they are your Prefects now! They certainly aren't mine anymore, I'm leaving remember boy? You are the new head of Slytherin House!"

I felt as thought I'd been shot by a stunning spell. Head of House! No! No, that just couldn't be. Teaching students would be horrible enough for how maladapted I would be to the simple act of teaching… But to be in charge of the entire house – that would make me - that would make me responsible for them! I would be like… a parent – or at least an older sibling, and how the hell could I ever be that to anyone! It isn't right at all. Punish me if you will don't punish the students. How could he just leave me with that! I cannot be a professor! – I cannot have an office for God's sake I cannot take over the whole of Slytherin House! It's true – what everyone said about me – I am a child! I cannot do this!

"Severus!" he said to me because clearly Horace caught me staring blankly into space completely stunned and speechless. "Dumbledore told you about this didn't he?"

"What? Yes of course," there was no point in telling the truth – but why had Dumbledore not told me this? I wanted to think he hadn't told me because it wasn't true that Slughorn was wrong but there was no point in denying the thing. Clearly it was going to happen for Slughorn was leaving and no one else on the staff was a former Slytherin so that would leave only me to do it. How could I do such a thing? I couldn't but there was Horace holding out the keys for me to take them.

I stared at the heavy brass things. The last thing I wanted to do was touch those keys. I fully understood everything they would represent. But, I had to. Horace wanted to run screaming from the room, I had to – I had to spare him the suffering and take it myself. So I took them. They were heavier than they looked. I held them cold in my hand and the weight of them came full upon me. Horace placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled. "You'll be alright lad," but I didn't take my eyes from the keys to look up at him. "Send us an owl once in a while." He said it, but I knew he didn't mean it. That was his means to escape and with that statement, he exited out the door.

Why. Why? I am cursed! I am a criminal - a murderer - a liar – and I'm a child! Why leave such a tainted, inexperienced individual in charge of children? On my best days I am an unpleasant person… I was already terrified by the idea of becoming a professor – but Head of House! I threw the keys on the ground and ran for my room.

Throw the keys all you will Severus – they are still yours.

I knew it. I knew it and I just cried in my room for what seemed like an hour. So much all at once I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Lily – Evan – James – Harry - Tisiphone – Caligula – God Caligula Wilkes why… but in the end I went right back to being upset about my unbearable predicament. I should have been mad at Horace for leaving me in such a lurch…. but I wasn't.

He was upset and needed to leave. Poor Horace…. This was not his doing. Horace was in no condition – he was falling apart at his perceived guilt. No – this was all Dumbledore's doing. It was he who'd let Professor Slughorn go and left me in his stead. How was that just?

How could I possibly teach? I hate the students! I hated them when I was a student – I was afraid of them. They mocked me. When I wasn't afraid, I hated them for their arrogance or for their stupidity. How could I possibly teach them? I was a student with many of them! Dear God – all of the forth, third, second and first years that attended Hogwarts when I was a seventh year are still here! The students would all have known what a complete and total fuck up I was. I hung out with the bad kids – I was one of them. They would have known me as the one everyone picked on – for the creepy weird kid who sat in the corner studying. How many times in later years was I passed out in the Common Room drunk or worse? They would have seen me! And what of their parents? How will they feel about a former Death Eater looking after their children!

Oh God what was I about to face? I don't how long I was in that room panicking. But judging by they light I could tell it was late in the afternoon. Was I supposed to go back to see Dumbledore after talking with Horace? I didn't know and I didn't care. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I paced the room for a while. I decided to take a bath, it made me feel better the day previous so I figured it wouldn't hurt…

Why I am so naive?