~Sunday 8 November 1981 – Near Midnight, My Room

Still can't sleep. I might as well deal with what happened in Slytherin.

~The Other Side of the Wall

The pool was just as inviting as it had been – the water seemed calm and warm and I wanted nothing more then to float at peace in it once again. I neared the waters edge, at first I thought I was hearing things but the sound of voices from just beyond the wall was too vivid for any hallucination.

I was so distressed by the voices that I jumped into the water still wearing my clothes to look around for the source of the sound. I heard it – just behind me as I felt the icy draft on the back of my neck. I turned then to see the gap in the wall just above the surface of the water. The water nearly covered the opening but for about an inch of space. Perhaps the water level had dropped overnight – or perhaps I had just been too tired to notice the gap or the sounds emanating from it earlier… by then however it was unmistakable… through the open space between the wall and the water I heard the unsettling sound of students talking loudly and laughing.

And then I saw it, the whole thing. The gap extended far below the water line – this was no mere gap, it was submerged crawl space. The narrow passage was just large enough for me to swim through. It was upsetting me. Why was there such a hole in the wall of my bath? Worse, what was the true source of the voices? What were they saying? Something about the way they spoke ate at me. I couldn't take it. I took off my boots, threw them onto the ledge and swam through.

I emerged on the other side and found myself in a similar room with another pool but this room was empty, and the candles in the serpent sconces had clearly not been lit in years. I looked around the room. Nothing remarkable... just an empty room full of cobwebs – and a door. I pushed it open and walked through.

No way, this can't be. But where else would I be? Wasn't it obvious and why did I not guessed earlier. I was in one of the hallways of the Slytherin Dorms – they boys dorms. I knew exactly where I was. This was the hallway furthest from the Common Room – where my room had been during my early years before we switched to the higher rooms in our forth year.

I stayed put where I was waiting for movement or any sound. Three boys came out from a room down the end of the hallway. I didn't move. They didn't look at me. One of them called out, "Hurry up David if you make us late she is going to kill us!"

"I'm coming! Calm down! We won't be late," they boy whom I'm assuming is David cried out as he ran to join the others. Late? Late for what? And who was she? As quietly as I could I followed them.

They said nothing further as they walked but I guessed they were heading for the Common Room. They were. I followed them out onto the landing and watched as they descended the steps into the Common Room, but I did not follow. From what I could tell, the entire House of Slytherin had all been assembled below. I looked down at the students trying to see if I recognized any from when I was a student. But they were all so young, and wasn't exactly in a good frame of mind back then. They would be fifth sixth and seventh years now, and would all look so different... For a moment, I considered sneaking down to them, but I stopped myself. I stayed above - hidden by a stone pillar, still dripping water onto the floor. I had no shoes, I was cold and water kept running from my hair into my eyes, but I did not dare move. Somehow, I already knew why they had all gathered.

And then, she – the one whom they must have meant spoke – calling the room to attention. She had dark brown hair, pulled back into a long straight braid, and several other students flanked her at either side.

From what I could tell she was one of the pretentious Pure-Blood elitists who came from a long unbroken line and far too much money. She was out of uniform, and her robes were immaculate and meant to impress. That's how her kind always dress, and they always hold their heads up in that haughty manner, so that even when you are taller then them – they still look down their noses at you. Her kind never used to bother me when I was in school, I was even friendly with some of them, but now that know how they take their Pure-Blood bull shit too far – now that I have seen what her kind is capable of…

"Is everyone here? Elisa – note that anyone who walks in late or who is not in attendance will not be excused." When she spoke, she even sounded like a bitch.

Then the girl beside nodded. So that was Elisa then. She was far less pretentious, she wore her uniform with her shirt untucked and her dark blond hair was not styled to perfection. She reminded me of the Slytherin girls who had so much money that they did not care, or just, did not care in general, more like a Hufflepuff. She certainly did not seem all too happy to be standing there. "What about Joan?" she asked of the first girl.

The first girl shot her a nasty look. Clearly she did not like to be questioned. "I know Joan is not here – she is not here for a reason – the reason we are here."

"Why exactly are we here this time Matilda?" a boy with brown hair asked her. He had been sitting at the table reading, I hadn't seen him at first but he was one of the few students not giving her his full attention – for he was buried in a mountain of books and parchment. He was small but spoke up with a surprising amount of courage for one who seemed to be so bookish. And then I saw it...he wore a Prefects badge. So did Elisa, and so did the first girl, whom I now knew was Matilda. The two other boys standing with them also wore badges. So that was five of the prefects, and I assumed Joan was the sixth.

Matilda was clearly growing irritated. "We are here to discus the current situation Andre – why else would we be here, now forget about your work this is far more important."

Andre – the skinny bookish one got up begrudgingly to join the others. He took Elisa's side, which made sense seeing as they seemed to be like minded in respect to the aformentioned current situation.

"We are here," Matilda said in an arrogant tone, "to address the rumors that Slughorn will be leaving us as Head of House." The gathered students who had previously stood rapt with attention broke into panicked whispers and mutterings. "As you all know," she said instantly regaining their attention, "for the past week Horace Slughorn has been absent from class and he has not been reachable either. Furthermore have not been able to speak with him or the Headmaster about this. Well I am here to tell you, that the rumors are in fact true."

Her statement sent a shockwave through the crowd. Everyone was upset, even some of the Prefects. "Yes," Matilda continued. "It is true. Horace is gone, and we currently have no Head of House at all." This time she wait for the frantic whispers to cease so she roared over all of the assembled, "Horace, has in fact been absent from Hogwarts for over a week. All this time we have been along. But rest assured, you have no reason to fear! You have not reason to even think that this changes anything at all. As all of you know, Horace was a good man, but a rather ineffective Head of House. He allowed us to do whatever we wanted, and we have always thrived in that manner. We, the Prefects, have run this house and we have been perfectly capable of doing so with out the aid of the system. I am here to reassure you that we will continue to run this great house better than any appointed professor ever could." She seemed quite certain in this, for she spoke with intense confidence, and no hesitation whatsoever.

The crowd calmed down, but not completely. Some of them began to shout obvious questions to her.

"Will we get a replacement!" one boy shouted.

"He's gone! He's really been gone for a week?" a girl nearly cried out in a shrill voice.

"When were they going to tell us this?" another yelled.

"They can't just leave us with out a Head of House!" another young girl shrieked.

"Why didn't Dumbledore tell us!" screamed another older girl. Yes, why were they forced to find this out alone? I shifted my weight and suddenly remembered that I was standing soaked behind a pillar. This was all so ridiculous.

"I told you!" Matilda said, "We don't need a Head of House, we have been functioning with out one for ages."

It wasn't enough. The tall muscular Prefect boy with short dark hair beside her spoke up for the first time. "We have, but what about Horace, some of us did have… you know – agreements in place with him." He wasn't too bright saying that out loud. Surely they have better euphemisms for family bribes than that.

Matilda stomped and rolled her eyes, "Yes Albert we know. But we don't need him. Must I keep explaining this to you? When and if they do send a replacement," she was careful to emphasize the word if. "We will all reach agreements with that person at that time." She really was fearless and overly confident.

"What about Slytherin's Monster?" a younger student asked. It's always the first years who fear that old fairy tale.

"There is no Monster!" Matilda shouted. "Once and for all - forget those foolish rumors! Our founding father was not so cruel as to leave a monster in this house. Certainly he would not leave one to attack his beloved Slytherins."

Another frail and terrified young girl cried out. "Yes but doesn't the Head of House hold it back by magic – if there is no Head of House who is holding it back!" I felt bad for her. She was actually trembling when she spoke. I hate those older Gryffindor boys and the bullshit stories they use to torment the first year Slytherins. They do this every year, and always to the frailest of small girls it seems. It never ceases to disgust me.

The fifth Prefect boy with reddish blonde hair - who seemed as frail as the frightened girl, had no such sympathy. "There is no damn monster!" he snapped. "For God sakes let it go. Even if there is a monster, it's not coming out. If there is a monster, and we find it – we will kill it." I hope that by "we" he meant himself and that muscular boy called Albert. This boy even sounded like a whiney girl when he spoke.

"Elwyn is right." Matilda said agreeing with him – so Elwyn was the whiney one. Then, just as Matilda was reassuring the crowd of their ability to defeat Slytherin's Legendary Beast - the door flew open and a girl ran in. She was completely frantic and out of breath. Everyone fell silent, even Matilda. All eyes were upon her as she raced to the center of the room where the other prefects stood.

That must be Joan I thought… She rushed to stand beside Matilda, and then nodded obediently to her. "Silence everyone, Joan has information that she will share with all of you." Joan seemed to relish the power and attention given her by Matilda. But rather then address the students, Joan first whispered her gossip to Matilda alone.

Joan I noted, seemed to be of almost equal social status to Matilda. She had long straight brown hair, perfectly pulled back into a pony tail. She was immaculate in clothing and appearance, but she was still in uniform – which likely meant that her family's old money had all but run out. They always hide it that way.

I tried to read Matilda's expression. She was trying to hide her feelings from the crowd, but she was steaming with fury and a mixture of shock. Joan did not wait for Matilda to absorb what she had been told and turned immediately to the students. "It's true. I have just received an owl from my father, whom as you all know works for The Ministry" Joan was almost as arrogant as Matilda, and was enjoying the attention far too much. "Horace Slughorn has left us. My father has informed me that the rumors are all true. He resigned as Potions Master and Head of House days ago. Dumbledore has already appointed his successor as both Head of House and Potions Master-"

"Does he know whom!" more than a dozen people asked her at once. It was over. The moment I'd been dreading since I'd taken my place behind that pillar.

"He knows." Joan told them, "But Dumbledore has not made any formal announcements nor does he have any plans to do so any time soon. Thankfully we in Slytherin have no need of aid in this school. From our families – people like my father - we know before everything before anyone else. So there is that to be thankful for."

"Joan stop dragging it out." Andre said. Several people laughed. Even I almost did.

"Laugh all you will Andre." She snorted. "You might as well. Guess who they are sending as Horace's replacement." But Andre said nothing.

"Who are they sending us!" one of the younger students demanded.

Joan looked out to the crowd, I couldn't breathe, "Severus Snape."

"WHAT!" The reaction was instantaneous. Everyone erupted into indignant disbelief. It was awful.

"Who the hell is Severus Snape?" someone shouted above the din. More people shouted things.

Someone else cried out, "Him! That creepy kid who used to hang out with Avery's gang!"

"Didn't he gratduate um – a year ago?" a girl screamed in fury.

Someone yelled, "Isn't he a Death Eater?"

"Isn't he dead? I thought he was dead!" a boy yelled.

"Obviously he's not dead! As to being a Death Eater he was just acquitted by The Ministry – read the Prophet!" Elisa yelled.

"Wasn't he that creepy kid who sat alone reading every night?" one of the old girls said.

"I remember him! He was stoned all the time with Wilkes and all them!" another older girl added.

"Everyone was stoned back then. You'd be stoned too if Dumbledore hadn't cracked down!" Andre yelled above everyone.

"Who the fuck is Severus Snape! Do we even know his blood status!" Elwyn began ranting. "Is Dumbledore out of his God Daman mind making him Head of House? He is nobody! For god' sake's he is our age! What is he, two years older than us?"

"Six years" Joan said darkly. "He is six years older that we are Elwyn. And only five years older than Matilda and Albert." Right. So that would make Matilda and Albert the Seventh years, Elwyn and Joan the sixth years, and the two I don't hate, Elisa and Andre are the fifth years then.

"Fucking hell! What business has he of being a teacher – let alone Head of House! This is absurd out parents won't stand for it!" Elwyn screeched.

"Enough!" Matilda shouted. "This is perfect – don't you see it! Severus Snape is nothing! He is just some worthless, weakling of a boy who took the job because no one else will and he is clearly desperate after having been accused of being a Death Eater. He has nothing on us. We will maintain control of this house. We will not be beholden to Severus Snape or anyone!"

"Matilda, what makes you so sure he will let you walk all over him?" Andre interrupted. I really like that kid.

"He will. I am absolutely certain of this, and do you know why genius? Because that is exactly what he used to as a student… when he would let all those Gryfindors walk all over him, curse him and beat up on him." Matilda said in a mocking sing-song voice. I really hate that bitch.

I hate her and I fucking hate everyone, because of course, they all laughed when she said this, save for a few... What does it matter that a few did not find this amusing. It had all come true, my worst fears of teaching…. They all remember. They all knew who I was and they will hold it over me forever.

They all finally stopped laughing long enough for one of them to cry out – "What is his blood status – who is he!"

Matilda made a look of disgust and rolled her eyes. "He is a Half-blood – the son of a nobody of a witch and some low-life Muggle. They were poor, and lived like rats in an impoverished town among Muggles. Elwyn is right. This is an outrage. His appointment is a disgrace to the whole Houses of Slytherin. Still we-" but she was cut off by Andre

"Oh come off it Matilda. There are Half-Bloods in your family, you are –" but Andre was cut off by Matilda.

"How dare you!" she said in a shrill voice, finally breaking her forced composure. "That is blasphemy! I will not have you in any way tarnish the Weston name! My father is a great man! Ours is one of the oldest and most distinguished names in the Wizarding World! Our line is almost as ancient as the House of Black. It is unbroken and untarnished by half-bloods – such as yourself." Everyone began to laugh at Andre.

"There is not one half-blood in her family Andre. In fact of all the Prefects, you are the only one who is not descended from an ancient and distinguished line." Joan said with gleeful malevolence. Everyone continued to laugh as she continued to taunt him. "Let's see shall we my family, the Ogden's have all been important members of the Ministry for generations. The Weston's go back beyond the Norman Conquest. Albert of the Runcorns, wealthy beyond measure, as are the Edgecomes from whom Elwyn is descended… Even Elisa Deverill, though she may deny it, her unbroken line can claim the Wand of Destiny among its ancestry! And what of you – Boyle, sun of a Muggle."

Andre scowled. "Shut it Joan. Your family is not so high ranking in the Ministry as you like to think it is."

"Don't you dare speak to her that way you Half-blood!" Matilda hissed at him. "And as to the rest of you, forget the Snape kid. If he gives us any trouble or disregards the former agreements with Slughorn, I will have our Albert Runcorn knock some sense into him." She said grinning from ear to ear. They all laughed. Runcorn smiled, cracked his knuckles then made a fist to show them all he meant it.

Idiot grunt of a Gryffindor masquerading as a Slytherin through family connections... I could hex him so horrifically he would forget his own name. Fists. What a fool.

Matilda spoke again, but something the energy in the room changed dramatically as she launched into another tyrade. She was so charismatic and passionate in her perfectly worded speech. She had the entire gather crowd mesmerized. They all hung breathlessly on her every word. Even I could not take my eyes from her - that is, until she started in on me. "Now. While we may have to put up with some pathetic former student as our Head of House for a time, I am absolutely certain this will not last long – I can assure you! My great father – my family – all of our families will have their say, and then that pathetic, scrawny, book worm will be sent packing and we will be given a proper Head of House!"

It was like an electric current. You could feel her reaching crescendo in her speech. You could feel the students ready to erupt at any moment. "Now!" She commanded "You must put your faith in us – your Prefects! We will rule this house! We will do all that is within our power to uphold the prestige and honor of this house! We need no Headmaster or Head of House to hold us back! We will drive away this impurity. We are Slytherins and we control our destinies – and the destinies of all the Wizarding World!"

The explosion of rapturous shouts filled the room in deafening torrent of sound. Their exact words I could not make out, but I knew… They were crying out together, for one thing – my blood. I took that as my cue. While they were still worked up in their frenzy I slid back from behind the pillar and crept back along the landing. Not one of them saw me.

Had I really just witnessed that? I could still hear them shouting far down the darkened hallway - there was no denying the thing. But did they really believe that? That they hate me and want to drive me away I understand. But to believe that could control the whole of the Wizarding World? Even Avery wasn't that fanatical. And who were these kids? Most were not even the children of well known, high ranking Death Eaters. Where was this odd behavior coming from? I didn't want to know. I had reached the room that I knew would lead to mine and wanted nothing more than to escape. From the water in the empty pool room I swam back into mine and could think only one thing - I had to seal up that hole in the wall.

I didn't even leave the water. I conjured stones and laced them into that wall like my life depended on it. I sealed that fucking thing and put a so many hexes and curses upon it so that no living soul could ever pass though. So help me God no one will ever get through that wall.

I took off my soaking wet clothes. I cared enough to lay them out on a table but did not bother to cast a drying charm on them. I was shaking as I wrapped myself in a blanket and it had nothing to do with the cold. My fears had been realized. The students do remember me as a freak. They do remember that I was beat up and a book worm, who got drunk and cut class when he was older. Then I realized, what does that even matter? So they know how pathetic I am... Half-Blood, poor nobody, Death Eater… They know nothing. They know nothing of the horrors and sins I have committed.

So they wish to drive me away… I could not blame them. I still do not. I knelt on the floor, curled up in the corner as I had done so many times as a teenager… All I could hear was their voices. Matilda, Elwyn, Joan … all of them... Everything they said repeated over and over in my head. I wanted so much to make it stop. I thought to go to Slughorn's Stores and steel another Elixir from him… and then I remembered. Those aren't Slughorn's Stores anymore, they're mine.

That thought finally drove me to the edge. Even now I hate to write it, to think back on what I did in that moment because I swore I would never do such a thing again. Every thing was bearing down so hard on me that I couldn't fight it any longer. I lost control, it burst forth from me like fire and before I'd even realized what I was doing – I cast Sectumsempra on myself.

Sixth year… that's how long it has been. Yes, I did it so that the physical pain of having my flesh ripped open would overtake the pain of being ripped apart inside but I have not committed that sick, sinful act since my sixth year. I swore I would stop. I swore I would only to use it against enemies and not upon myself but I'd done it. And as if that wasn't bad enough, this time, I took things one step further…

When I was young, I didn't understand the spell. I only cast it unconsciously in my horrific emotional outbursts. Just as instinctively and unthinking as I'd cast the thing, I'd counter it with another spell I did not understand. But now I am older. I do understand. I do know how to control it. So rather than immediately counter it, seal my wounds and stop the bleeding, I waited. I knew I could counter it – but I waited, I let myself bleed for several moments, watching the blood seep from my arms and my chest as I sat their thinking of all I had done to Lily – there – her. As the image of her flashed in my mind - I sealed my wounds in seconds. No. I won't do it – I will not permit myself to die – I cannot take the easy way out.

But even as I found myself determined to fight, I felt myself losing consciousness. I suppose I could have fought harder, but I was still so disgusted with myself for having committed the act that I allowed myself to faint.

I woke up several hours later. Night had come, for the room was in darkness, but I could still make out the blood stained sheets that were l tangled about me. I fought them off and stood up. I wasn't easy, I'd lost blood and I hadn't really eaten. I nearly fell. Still, I crossed the room with out thinking and stood before the window. Past the wall holding back the lake through the surface of the water I could still make out the sky. Blackness, scattered stars and the tiny sliver of silver moonlight hung above me.

I was still staring at the moon when I became aware of the pain. My whole body ached, but there was something else stirring within me, something that didn't hurt. I don't know if it was dulling the pain, or if it was fueled by it.

I didn't understand it at first, but then, why would I? I've not had such feelings for years, but as I watched the sliver of waxing moonlight, I began to understand it. Hope. Because it was there... Days of darkness would have passed, no light in the dark black sky, just the void of it… but it came back. It was small and frail but it came back.

Is it possible? Is it? Life does not just… end? I was standing there, I was in pain – I was still alive. Was I not alive for a reason? For him? And if it is true, and he has her eyes, then the light of her eyes has not left this world. She lives on in him. And if she lives on in any way, no matter how small, then there is all the reason in the world for me to be here – to keep fighting. From no where I felt such an intense surge of emotion – for him. For no reason, this child that I do not even know – whose life I have ruined - to whom I am bound forever. It wasn't guilt, and it wasn't duty, I actually wanted to help him. The world has not ended – as long as he is alive... somehow I know everything will be all right. The darkness didn't take him, just as it didn't take the moonlight. So help me God – the darkness will not take me either.

And that was it. I swore on that moment, on that sliver of moonlight, and on all things that I hold sacred that I would do it. Whatever it takes I will do it. If I have to teach, if I have to return through my darkest thoughts, live alone forever or even fight The Dark Lord myself - I will not fail her son. Fear or pain will not stop me. I will do this.

That left only the question of how I would do such things, for I am neither brave, strong, or even stable. Dumbledore was right I couldn't even cast a Bat bogey hex to defend myself... it was Lily who came to defend me against James Potter. I do not dare to ask her to grace me with strength or forgiveness now, for I deserve none. Somehow I would have to fight for myself from now on…

I was Virtuous once. I was a good student once. I devoted myself to my studies and when things were truly terrible, I wrote in my journal. Of course, I had nearly forgotten. Focus only on work so I can forget my feelings, and if that failed, write what I can not scream.

And that is why I am writing now. I know what I have to do, and I know now how I will do it. I do find peace in that… And now that I am nearly caught up to the present in my writing - I can sleep. I hope. If I do, it will be for the first time since all the horrors have happened, that I will sleep peacefully with no dreams or memories at all.

~Monday 9 November 1981 – Early Evening, My Room

I had only one violent dream last night, and the person about to be tortured was me so it is an improvement of sorts, not seeing those that I love have to suffer….

I am now caught up with the events of the past few weeks, for the most part. It is a set back that all of my memories have not yet returned… but at least I can let go of my thoughts and actions from the past few days

I have been Virtuous these past few days… I have forced myself to eat, more or less like a normal person. I try to sleep at regular hours and when I am awake I devote myself to reading and writing.

Tomorrow, I will try my hand at potions. It's been years since I've truly done it. I am forced to admit now how terrified I am to try. What if I fail?

Less then a week remains until I must teach. One way or another I must regain the ability to brew potions. That still leaves the task of retrieving my Death Eater Robes as Dumbledore ordered. Perhaps it is for the best that no further memories have returned to me. Now that I must return to that place, I fear the memories from those days. But do it I must…

At least today I was at peace to read.

~Tuesday 10 November 1981 – Late at night, My Room

I did it! I managed to brew potions – more then managed. It was so wonderful. I forgot how good it felt… to have my hands engaged in something so constructive.

I was so nervous this morning, but I force myself. I took potions from Horace's Stores – my stores if I can ever get used to that – and in his office – which I am definitely not prepared to call mine – I went through dozens of old recipes. My hands were shaking at first but in no time it all came back to me. As soon as it did, I wondered how I could have ever been so fearful of the thing…

It all comes down to precision, concentration and intuition. Follow the written steps exactly, and nothing will ever go wrong. Knowing the solution, focusing on that which I am attempting to create, and natural instinct takes over. I know that the dry cold of November means that I will need less shrivel figs then the recipe calls for, and will have to simmer the mixture for a slightly shorter period of time.

I felt alive. I felt warmth in my hands that was caused by more than just the flames beneath the caldron…

How could I ever give this up? I love the art of potion making more than I can express. Perhaps teaching won't be so horrific. After all I am that good… Why should I fear to teach it?

-Because there are other things to fear. Tomorrow, I must face the darkest days of my past. Tomorrow I return to Hogsmeade. It has only been a few weeks and yet – that was eons ago. I must read now. I must only think on potions and transfiguration for the moment. Must not think on anything else. For that is how I have always functioned. Work hard, and do not think or feel. It's the only thing that ever works. I must be extremely disciplined in my existence from now on, or the consequences will be unthinkable.

~ Wednesday 11 November 1981 – Late Afternoon, My Room

I have returned from Hogsmeade unscathed. No one saw me, but then again, no one ever did. I crept up to the dingy old inn and I went up to the crawl space where I had hidden for so long. I looked down at the cramped space between the walls of the two buildings… the dry spiltting wood, the light that barely made its way through the cracks, the straw and wood shavings upon which I had slept… I felt nothing.

I suppose that was fitting, seeing as I felt nothing for those three years. I just lay there, reading, coming out once in a while to make it seem as if I did The Dark Lord's bidding in earnest. I was about to think on it – but I grabbed the robes and left.

Now I am here, and I have them. I have done what Dumbledore asked, and tomorrow I will bring them to him. I am certain he will want to hold on to the robes himself. Surely he will not trust me with them. He shouldn't. Look what happened when I did carry out the Dark Lord's bidding. I'm afraid to see Dumbledore tomorrow. And yet, for all my fear, I do want to see him. It's stupid really. Despite all of my hope, it will go badly and that is why I am afraid. He never warmed to me as he did all the others.

That's all there is and there is nothing for it. I will read a few books then sleep.

~Thursday 12 November 1981 – Night – The Office

I'm not quite ready to go to my room. I am still too troubled. Why I am here I do not know. I think I like being around the books and the glass jars full of ingredients. My room is so, devoid of such things…

Today was worse than I could have imagined. How the school frightens me more then a cramped crawl space.

I took the robes to Dumbledore. It was still morning when I knocked on the door to his office.

"Severus," he said seeming bewildered. "I was not expecting you, please come in." He seemed genuine. He wasn't playing games so I entered gladly. I do want his guidance despite my frequent frustrations with him. And despite what I may think most of the time, I do wish he had warmed to me as he had all the others.

Giving him my old Death Eater robe suddenly seemed terribly symbolic. They would be a peace offering. I hoped that in giving them to him, it would close a door to a terrible part of my past. Maybe if I were really lucky, things between us would improve, despite the strong odds that they wouldn't. Still, I graciously handed him the endless yards of sheer black fabric. "Sir, here. I've brought you my former Death Eater Robes as you asked."

He did not accept. "Thank you Severus, but you keep them. You will be the one in need of them at some point, not I." I just stared at him. I realized I was still holing my arms outstretched to him. I withdrew… reluctantly. So I will not be leaving that past behind me, it hurt more then he or anyone could imagine.

I am not certain if I attempted to conceal my feelings or not… either way, Dumbledore made no indication that he noticed my sorrow. He just smiled at me and said, "Walk with me Severus, it is a beautiful clear day and I do find the grounds lovely at this time of the year… Of course you can leave the robes behind here for now if you like." I'm not sure if he was taunting me or being genuinely kind. I didn't care. I decided to walk with him. I too once found the grounds beautiful.

We walked outside out in the courtyard. I didn't say much. He talked a bit about being a student. Thes were all stories he has told countless times before in interviews and in speeches to the students. I suppose he has memorized these lines after having been asked the same questions so often over all those years. Will I sound like that one day? Will I tell the same rehearsed stories once I have become a professor? Will my rehearsed lines sound as idealized as his?

I never thought on it much as a student when I heard the same stories from him. But now that I am older and understand such things – I can tell he is not being entirely truthful. Those stories of his told the edited version of the truth, if there is any truth in those stories at all. He hides something. I saw that today as we walked. What he hides I do not know, but, perhaps I should be more forgiving when he acts so lofty and evasive towards me. I of all people should be forgiving to those who have something to hide.

I thought to ask him why he had failed to inform me that I was to be head of house, but I decided that would be counter productive to our discussion - seeing as I had come to him to make peace after all… The sun was beautiful as we walked. There are still leaves. When earlier we walked across the grounds to my trial, all I saw was grey. Today I saw the remnants of color – orange cold and even green. Everything was lit vibrantly lit in pale orange rays… the way that only an autumn sun can light such things. I was at peace. I had just resolved to try my best to meet Dumbledore half way - when I saw her.

I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart seemed to freeze instantly - I couldn't breathe at the sight of her.

"Yes," Dumbledore said without my even having to speak. "As I'm sure you are aware, that is the fortune teller whom you overheard that night. Her full name is Sybil Trelawney, and she has been teaching Divination here for some months now. I had a mind to do away with the subject, but I have had to take her on as a teacher, and lodge her here at the school permanently for her own protection."

I was going to be sick. I felt tears in my eyes. I fought like Hell to hold my ground and not break. She was not much older them myself, and yet I had condemned her to a life of imprisonment. That poor woman! Dear God I have ruined another life and I had not even considered the fate of her that I overheard. God forgive me….

I could say nothing to Dumbledore. What could I say? I couldn't breathe let alone speak. But he spoke…

"She does not know, and I think it best that she never finds out why she is here." He said. I nodded, and he beckoned me to follow him back to the castle. I followed him not knowing where it was that we walked. I should have known. We returned to his office. We had to return to the office, becuase my robes were there.

Severus Snape, the perpetual Death Eater - still in possession of his robes, still branded with the Dark Mark - even after the Dark Lord has perished I can not escape my fate. Once a Death Eater, you're always one.

And I must keep my robes now for if the Dark Lord does return I will have to wear them once more. I will be forced to lie to his face and tell him that I have become a professor as he asked so that I might spy on Dumbledore and what remains of The Order. I do not fear to face him. I have done so before.

What I cannot abide is the fact that I must see Sybil Trelawney in the halls of the school… How can I face her after what I have done? I have forced her to live as a prisoner in a tower of Hogwarts like some cursed fairy tale princess. As it is I cannot bear the guilt of my countless sins and now I must learn that I have ruined yet another life…

And in the shadow of all my sins, I am to be Head of House. Guardian of the Slytherins. Little monsters they may very well be for what I saw the night I snuck into the Common Room, but they do not deserve an actual monster to be their Head of House. They are only children after all…

Dumbledore did not say anything to me really after we encountered Sybil Trelawney. Perhaps that was his point all along. That was no walk to take in the November air as he said… he did that so that I would see her. He did that to express his anger at me for having involved her in all this as well. He was angry when he told me about her. It wasn't obvious, but I could tell – just as I can tell he is hiding something – that he is absolutely furious with me. I suppose I should be grateful that he held back… and yet… I don't know. I just don't know.

I am afraid. Tomorrow is Friday. I have only the weekend. Caught up on events, reading, practicing potions, I still feel completely unprepared for all this. Now I must hope that the rest of my memories do not return. Dear God if I were to recall the lost events while I was in front of the class. I'm going to be sick. I have to stop now.

~Saturday 14 November 1981, Night – My Room

I decided to go for a walk today. After all, yesterday – prior to seeing Miss Trelawney, walking outside was quite a pleasant experience. I remembered – ages ago walking about the grounds when I had been a student. I did so like it then – but was always afraid to walk in the open where I was so vulnerable in the presence of the other students - unguarded by the staff…

I still felt today that I should be discrete. I walked along the borders of the Forbidden Forrest, for what do I really have to fear in that wood? Centaurs? Wolves? I fear no such creature. Humans on the other hand…

No, I was rather at peace today walking out by the trees. And here, in the Slytherin water… every night when I enter the pool I find I am less frightened when I am submerged in the warm waters. I swear there are healing charms cast upon the water in Slytherin… there must be – for even the aches and pains that have been plaguing me these past few days are lessoned.

I'm not sure why my body seems so soar. Is it because I have been effectively dead since having left school? That must be it. Now I come slowly back to life it is a painful process. I should sleep now, though I do not want to. Sleep brings me one day closer. Time will not stop…

~Sunday 15 November 1981, Early – My Room

I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind. Perhaps I am too terrified to think on tomorrow, but all night, I couldn't stop thinking about the things I cannot recall.

I know writing has helped me, but there is still so much I do not remember at all. I don't know how I ended up in the castle. I only remembered recently why I left the castle that night, and yet I still don't remember Dumbledore bringing me back here - or anything that happened after he brought me back. Why don't I remember?

I know what I did. I know they are dead and that it is my fault. It just keeps gnawing at me, this terrible feeling… because I have no idea how I found out that it happened. I have no memory of it at all, and it scares me to death... how did I find out?

I should remember, but I can't. Who told me? Was it Dumbledore? I think I remember Madame Pomfrey… Did she give me something? Was my memory modified?

I feel this terrible lack of control and I hate it. I hoped writing would clear my thoughts and help me to remember. I do feel less confused and agitated but I still don't remember. I am beginning to think I don't want to remember. If I don't remember Dumbledore telling me, then… it never happened. It's not real.

For a moment just now – no. It's true, and I do not deserve such delusions. I will just have to accept this. Dumbledore told me, of that I am almost certain. After he told me, I must have been going off my head, and so they gave me potions to silence me. I was emotionally dead for days, and then I came to in the office just before the trial. It's logical… the potions they gave me would have been meant to wear off at exactly that time. That's the only thing that makes sense.

So be it. That's what happened. I can dwell on it no longer. I must go on.

~Sunday 15 November 1981, Late Evening – My Room

I sit watching the sun set thought the window in my room. There is nothing that can calm me now. My heart is racing. I can't breathe. I feel dizzy and sick. I can't do this, but I must.

Dumbldore stopped by earlier. "Just wanted to wish you luck, and to give you this. It is a schedule of your classes for the week," he said as he handed me the scroll of parchment. Luck. Luck? And the schedule? I don't dare even look at the thing. I can't.

Tomorrow I will see them – those students in Slytherin who hate me. Should I fear them most, or the students in the other house whom I have not even seen? And since when do I have such fear of Slytherin students? Even when I was a student – hated by most of the school - I could count on other Slytherin students to have my back. Slytherins look out for each other I have never feared my own kind. But they are not my kind anymore. I am no longer one of them- Oh dear God.

I can do this. I can. I will just do exactly what Slughorn did. I will walk in the room, I will stand behind the desk – tell them to use their books – get their ingredients from the stores and that will be it. Though I will be terrified, I will show no fear, my voice will not shake and I will do this….

I am so afraid. Lily I do not dare ask your help. I do this for you. I will find the strength to do this. I do not dare ask your forgiveness, I do no dare ask your blessing. Wherever you are, be at peace, and I swear to you I will do everything in my power to protect your son. If I am to stand and be stoned by the students tomorrow then I will do it.

Sleep in peace Lily. Sleep in peace Harry, Sybil, Evan, Caligula, James and Tisiphone. I am so sorry to all of you, I am so sorry.

Sixteen more hours…