~Monday 16 November – My Room Evening

I made it. I survived my first day as a Professor, though I still do not feel like one. It wasn't terrible, and yet it wasn't at all easy. I feel so tired and so drained from the attempt. I cannot begin to imagine how I will manage this again tomorrow, or all the days after that. For now, at least I can say that I survived this one day, so surely that must mean I can do this... I must do this.

It was almost funny, for when I first work up this morning, part of me I understood how ridiculous I was being. I realized that Dumbledore had been right… again. I had offered to kill all of the remaining Death Eaters with no hesitation and I feared to teach children? It was absurd. And so, with that thought in mind I got up from my bed and walked across my room to the desk by the window. I finally raised my nerve to look at my class schedule… I opened the parchment with trembling hands but when I saw the list, I nearly smiled. Hufflepuffs. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the third year would be my first class. The kindest students and most well mannered students in the school... If the Ravenclaws hated me, they would never act upon it. As to the Hufflepuffs, they could never hate anyone, not even a poor, wretched half-blood, replacement professor such as myself…

I have said it since my seventh year, though never publicly – I bleed green but I love the Hufflepuffs. I said such horrible things about them when I was younger, but in my last year I finally came to understand them and see them for the good people they truly are. Hufflepuffs are not judgmental. They don't look down upon others - they let them be. They would never do or say anything cruel - to any one. After all I have been through of late - I have never been so grateful to see yellow…

I can do this I told myself - then I did everything within my power not to think on it as I prepared for the day after all. I still had one last challenge to face before I could confront my classes. Breakfast. From now I on will have to eat in the Great Hall with everyone else. No more hiding in my room. No more hiding from anything…

I was so exhausted when I left my room. I am still not used to being awake at such hours despite all of my efforts to acclimate. There were students walking through the corridors as I made my way to The Great Hall. It was terribly unnerving. Aside from my unpleasant visit to Slytherin, it was the first I had seen of the students, as I have avoided the main halls these few weeks. I kept staring down at the floor as I always do while I walked and I did my best not to look at anyone. As far as I can tell, most of them ignored me.

Finally I reached the door near the front of the room - the door I'd only entered a few times as a student, the door that only the professors use. Once again I was struck again by how wrong it all was. I froze in the doorway. I was overcome by the familiar sound of students talking and laughing, dishes clanging and the way the echoes rebounded from the walls of that massive room. The smell, the overwhelming gold light– I knew this place. I was terrified, and yet again - almost as strongly as the feeling had been in Slytherin, it came to me – home. This was my home.

What was I doing? I was walking without thinking about it. I was walking toward the staff table, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Oh dear God – where do I sit? Was I even supposed to be there? I knew I was, but in that moment I was so terrified that I had been wrong – that I'd made a mistake. Surely there could never be a place for at that table. What shall I do – what shall I do! I would lower my head to the block if I could but find it. Dear God I must have looked so frightened and lost. Move I remember telling myself – do it now before somebody sees. But of course, I had been seen.

"Severus."

I was so annoyed with myself that it took me a moment to recall the voice. It was so familiar… it… McGonagall!

"Severus!" She called out to me again in exasperation, "Come here!" She spoke to me just as he had when I was a student. I forgot my humiliation at being lost. I walked straight over to her as she had commanded. I have never been so happy to be scolded by her - anything to be a student again and not be in this position. "You're sitting here boy."

"Boy." She had called me. It was the first time I wasn't insulted to be referred to as such. I sat down and just as I was about to thank her when she started to laugh.

"Well I guess I can't call you boy anymore can I Professor Snape!" She was covering her face with her napkin, she was laughing so hard she could barely finish her sentence. "I'm sorry!" she said as she turned to me, placed her hand on my wrist and smiled – "Welcome to the staff Severus."

I didn't know what to say, "Thank you…Professor McGonagall." I couldn't exactly call her Minerva. Still she meant it. She hadn't laughed to be cruel either. I know. I have experience. I can tell the difference between mocking laughter and the way she had laughed. With that she resumed her conversation with Professor Sprout and I did my best to make it look as if I was eating. I felt so sick, but I couldn't let on that I was too tense to eat. If that were all that would I have to endure, I would have been fine… just sitting there beside McGonagall and the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher….

I would have been fine, but as I feared - Dumbledore stood up to address the students. "May I have your attention please," Oh God no, "I would like you all to please give a warm welcome to the newest member of our staff, Professor Severus Snape, who will be replacing Horace Slughorn as Potions Master and as Head of Slytherin House."

I wanted to die. I couldn't move. I barely lifted my head do look out to the students. What I must have looked like to them, hiding behind my long black hair I can only imagine… But I finally I allowed my eyes to sweep the room, catching the Slytherin table last. My fears were realized. Most of them were glaring at me in silent fury. Some clapped… The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws all clapped… even the Gryfindors managed to feign enthusiasm for my appointment. That must have been a first. Gryfindors clapping for a Slytherin Professor when the Slytherins would not... I was left at a loss so I hung my head, covering my face completely with my hair. I turned back as if I had meant to look at Dumbledore.

"Thank you," he said to the students, "I am sure you will all be more than accommodating given this unorthodox change of staff in the middle of term."

Oh dear God that's right. Being the middle of term, this will inconvenience the students and be even more disruptive to them. It will make them that much more likely to rebel. The Slytherins had already plotted my overthrow. The rest of the school would soon join them for sure.

No. I don't care about them I told myself. Fueled by my hatred of those horrible students in Slytherin - the last shreds of my strength came together. I wasn't going to let them stop me. I have to do this for Lily - and for him. For he is hope and they are…nothing. I wasn't going to let them do this to me…. as his father had done. There. I glared back out at them. You will not stop me, I repeated in my mind as if they could hear. You little parts are nothing compared to James Potter. I survived him - I will survive you. I almost smiled at the thought. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and even that Pettigrew kid may have made my life hell, but they taught me how to take punches. Go ahead - attack me, I'm used to it. Besides… I'm already dead so none of this matters. On that thought I left to teach my first class.

Despite my defiance, my hands still shook when I opened the door to the classroom. I sat down at Slughorn's desk, which I had reluctantly come to accept as mine. Either he or Professor O'Malley had left a book open upon the desk, Magical Drafts and Potions – full of notes from Slughorn. I would need it desperately if I were to survive the first class. Half an hour… fifteen minutes… ten… five… two… I could hear them… one… Finally the hour was nine. I crossed the room, took a deep breath, opened the door and let the students into the room.

They were so small. Most raced in under my arm as I held open the door. The Hufflepuffs had all run in while the reserved Ravenclaws entered the room after most of the Hufflepuffs had gotten to their seats. I walked back to my desk and pretended to read form Horace's notes while I waited for them to quiet down, though I'd long since memorized those notes. I would have to speak. Stupid really. How such a simple thing could be so difficult for me. My throat had closed up, but they had quieted down and…

"You are currently learning how to correctly brew Shrinking Solutions is this correct?" Just as in my trial, I spoke with a voice that did not seem to be mine… but it was. And just as in my trial, I know it had taken many of them a moment to even notice that I had done so because I speak so softly.

But they had heard, for one Hufflepuff girl called out, "Yes Professor. We learned a little about them from Professor Slughorn, but then Professor O'Malley came. She just had us read because she said she didn't feel right teaching us brewing methods."

She called me Professor. She called me – Professor. Professor? How could I be such a thing? I don't feel like one at all, but there I was sitting behind that desk... And so, feeling like a student who was merely sitting in for a professor for just the one day, I taught them how to brew a Shrinking Solution.

It wasn't a complete disaster. The Ravenclaws did relatively well. But the Hufflepuffs… watching them I remembered in full why we said such terrible things about them. Several times I nearly snapped at them but I managed to not do so. Finally they left after the double class period. I spent the majority of the free class time that followed cleaning up the mess.

Lunch was fairly uneventful, and the second set of double classes with the second year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs was much the same as the first. They were quiet and polite and did not talk over me as I explained the lesson to them. Not one of them laughed at me or whispered behind my back, which made it all the more difficult for me when they began brewing the solution. Again the Ravenclaws were proficient, but many of the Hufflepuffs struggled. Some of them managed, but others did not understand at all - no matter how many times I explained it to them. It was so frustrating and just as before I nearly snapped at several of them…

Again I spent a good hour cleaning up the mess. As much as I was angry at first, to be cleaning up after their mistakes… I began to feel guilty for having been so cross with them. They were all so understanding and patient with me, why could I not be patient with them? I didn't let on that I was angry, but still I felt terrible.

That in the end was the real challenge of the day. And now here in my room I am afraid again. I am not afraid that the Slytherins and Gryfindors will attack me, I am afraid I will attack them, or worse, what if I lash out at the Ravenclaws or the Hufflepuffs?

What if I become him! What if I become like that horrible man who would scream at me for the slightest misstep? I was a child – just as they are now. I know I will never forget how terrible it felt to be screamed at like that. It doesn't matter how old you get. It never leaves you.

Even now - even in front of the class I jump at the slightest sound… because you never know when the next attack might be coming. Always I am so careful - so nervous and aware of everything. Is he not the reason my hands began to shake in the first place? Is my helplessness to do anything in the face of such unyielding anger not where I learned to lie down and play dead? To cry and not fight back when James Potter and the others attacked me? It is.

Dear God I cannot do that to anyone else. I don't want to be like – that one. I won't. I refuse. I have always refused. I took my mother's name…Prince. Prince and not Snape... I chose to be like her. I chose to cry and not yell.

So it made me weak… I would rather be weak and afraid than cruel.

I swear now, on my mother's name that I will not be like him. For her, for Lily, for her son, for all of my students and future students - I will never raise my voice. No matter what happens. I will fight with all of my strength not to get frustrated… but even if I lose my temper with them, I swear I will never scream or raise my voice to them.

In this I will remain steadfast. Thankfully it will not be too difficult I think… I am so quiet. I have always been... It is as if I cried my heart out so often at home that I have hardly any voice left to raise.

So tomorrow I will face the first of the Slytherins and Gryfindors, and I will remain still and silent, no matter what they do to me.

~Tuesday 18 November – My Room Evening

I woke up feeling sick and nervous again. I felt less upset last night before I went to sleep - after all I did survive one day. But upon waking all I could think of was the houses. So what? It was just Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Today would place me before the, Gryfindors - the most hostile house, who have been relentless in their attacks against me since I had been a student. This should have been what upset me most but it wasn't. The Slytherin students now collectively hated me – likely even more than the Gryfindors. I was fearing what I once considered to be my home, my family. The pain of the betrayal had paralyzed me. I could not move from my bed.

How could I? Not only would I have to face the forth and fifth year Slytherins and Gryfindors – but today I would have no free period and no time to breathe. Worst of all, today I would have to face my first class of N.E.W.T. students. No need to check my roster, I knew they would be in my class. Joan Ogden and Elwyn Edgecombe - for surely they and their families would have made some deal with Slughorn. No matter what their proficiency in potions, they would be there. Both of them so cruel and calculating… Already I could feel their eyes upon me, judging me, whispering to each other about my every misstep – ready to report back to their tyrannical seventh year counterparts Matilda Weston and Albert Runcorn.

I forced myself to get up and prepare for the day but still I could not stop thinking about them. What if they had already plotted some terrible thing to do to me? They know my weaknesses, just like Potter and his friends – and – just as I looked into the mirror while shaving, I finally I realized that I was reacting to all this as if I were a student. I am no student now I told myself. This is nothing like being a student. What was I afraid of? None of this is real. This is not my life.

As a student, my actions mattered. I was in school – with Lily. Back then there were consequences. I did things, I got hurt, and worse, other people got hurt. But none of that matters now. Everyone I care about is dead. I'm dead. I'm not even a professor! This is all an act. I'm only pretending to do this to protect him - and he isn't even here. He is safe elsewhere. So none of this matters. None of this is real.

I left my room, and as a ghost I had breakfast with the others. I walked into my first class of the day. Forth year Slytherins and Gryfindors entered the room. I avoided their eyes as I sat barely looking up from the textbook or from Slughorn's notes. They were talking. I know that they had trouble hearing me speak. I didn't care. Some of them were paying attention and I relied on those students to help the ones who struggled. I did go out to the students towards the end of class to help a few of them. The Gryfindors, to their great credit were fairly well behaved. I gave one girl house points for helping a classmate. I gave house points to a Slytherin boy as well, since he had finished his Wit-Sharpening Potion before everyone else.

There wasn't much to clean up. So I ended up having a few moments to try and prepare myself for the N.E.W.T. class. I am a puppet I told myself - nothing more than a puppet controlled by an external force and nothing matters. I remembered how angry I was at Dumbledore just after my trial – how I accused him of using me as a marionette. Nothing had changed. I was still a marionette. I will be a marionette for the rest of this life and somehow I suddenly felt some sense of comfort in that. I was about to think on how odd that was but it was time for class to start.

I let the N.E.W.T. class into the room. Seven Hufflepuffs, twelve Ravenclaws, eight Gryfindors and fourteen Slytherins. Joan and Elwyn sat next to each other in the front of the room. They glared at me the whole time. It was awful. Most of the Slytherins, several Gryfindors and even a few of the Ravenclaws did the same. If I am a puppet, why do I feel things? Why do I feel hurt when they turn to whisper to each other while keeping their eyes upon me? Why does it upset me when they laugh and write things in their notebooks to show to each other with out even attempting to hide what they are doing? They caught my eyes and smirked at me in the most awful way as they did these things. They don't want to hide that they are mocking me. They want me to know.

They were supposed to be working on brewing the Draught of Peace. I was reading, but I could hear several groups giggling. I tried to ignore them, but I stupidly looked up unable to bare it any longer. I caught her eye, and Joan instantly raised her hand, "Professor, forgive me, is it true that you never officially graduated from Hogwarts?"

Silence instantly fell over the room.

"What?" She had caught me off guard, but thankfully I kept my voice and my face from showing any emotion.

She smiled far too please with herself and said, "I just want to make sure you graduated, a few other students who have older siblings have told me-"

"I finished school," I nearly snapped at her to cut her off having finally figured out her meaning. I summoned all of my strength to remain composed and articulate as I answered her. "I did not attend the End-of-Term Feast if that is what you are referring to. But I did in deed complete all of my required courses. My failure to attend formal functions is of no concern to you. Does that satisfy you Miss Ogden?"

We stared at each other, both waiting for the other to break. "I just wanted to make sure," she finally said smiling falsely - barely containing her mocking laughter. Elwyn on the other hand sat besides her steaming with a fury he made no effort to hide.

Some were silenced, but others broke into laughter. I lowered my head and continued read as if I were unaffected by this. I tried to tell myself that I didn't care… I am a puppet and not of this is real.

The second day and already they were trying to discredit me in front of everyone. They know. How long until the entire school knows about it? Hours, at most… but soon they would all know how I felt so uncomfortable, so ostracized from the rest of the school that I could not bring myself to attend the End-of-Term Feast in my final year.

I couldn't do it. I hadn't the strength. I couldn't bear to face the other students… they were all going on to start careers lives and families. I was never going to have that. There was something wrong with me and I knew it. I didn't know how to have such a life… She was going to have that life and I was merely waiting to die. I had nothing else to hold on to, and I joined them…

How could I go to the End-of-Term Feast after that? How could I say good-bye to a place that had been the closest thing I have ever had to a home? I was terrified to leave and yet I felt so betrayed by the school after all that had happened. But I turned my back on her – on this place. We betrayed each other.

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I barely heard McGonagall when she spoke to me during lunch. She asked me why I had not yet come to the Staff Room.

The Staff Room. It's quite one thing to have an office and feel wrong about it. For while that might be a frightful room - there I remain alone. To be made a professor, to be made Head of House at my age and stand in front of students who are only a few years younger than me is scary enough. But the Staff Room… that place is completely off limits to students - and I am practically a student as it is! How can I possibly enter that forbidden room? How, in God's name can I stand in that place and speak with my former professors - who knew me as a child not but three years ago and speak to them as my equals!

What do I really have to chat with Flitwick about? Shall I become friends with Professor Sprout? Is it not bad enough that I sit beside a Professor McGonnogal – a woman who once caught me half naked - snogging a girl in the hallway! I certainly haven't forgotten - how long until she brings that up? And she would. She may present herself as being a stern and callous in her classroom - but she has a cheeky side! I swear she's just waiting to bring up that incedent - or any other time she's had to take house points from me. Now I don't know what is worse – being with the professors or the students. I was almost missing my meetings with Dumbledore by the time lunch had ended. Funny, I hadn't thought much on it at the time, but he wasn't present at lunch. I don't remember anyone saying anything either…

My last set of classes for the day were blessedly uneventful. Fifth year Gryfindors and Slytherins. The Gryfindors did not giggle when I spoke, and when a set of Slytherin girls sniggered at me - the boy Prefect, Andre Boyle silenced them instantly. Of course! Andre Boyle and Elisa Deverille! The two decent Slytherin Prefects! I have absolutely no idea why it is that those two have not yet turned on me as the others have done… But clearly they must have been keeping the fifth year Slytherins in line. Andre even did a fantastic job of creating a Strengthening Solution far faster than the others.

Elisa on the other hand ended up making a mess, but she was in good spirits about it. She even cleaned up after herself with out having been asked to do so. Afterwards she did her best to correctly brew the solution again - with some assistance from Andre. By that point, he was helping more students than I was. I gave him fifteen house points and left class feeling far less upset than I had all in days.

So here I am. Two days behind me… I feel all right I suppose. I'm tired, but at least tonight I should have no trouble falling asleep. So I suppose there are some positive aspects to this. I'm too tired at the end of the day now to feel upset. I will take a bath, maybe read and then sleep like the dead for a while.

~Wednesday 19 November – My Room Late

Awful. Today was awful beyond reason. No amount of fear, anxiety or paranoia could have prepared me for it….

I wasn't even afraid when I woke up early this morning. I was more annoyed than anything else. It was just so early. It was not however, the hour that bothered me - it was the fact that I had to get up… I felt trapped and that made me angry.

But of course, I grew nervous as the morning progressed. I would have to teach the seventh year N.E.W.T. students after all. This would put in the same room as Matilda Weston and that grunt git Albert Runcorn. As much as I hate and fear Joan and Elwyn, Matilda and Albert are worse by far. Joan had not passed up an opportunity to have a go at me in front of everyone… So surely Matilda – the leader of those horrible students would have something far worse planned for me.

I threw water on my face, I fixed my hair as best I could and then forced myself to forget them. I finished getting dressed. Just breathe, don't think, just breathe and forget the fear. Just breathe… it was all I could do to still myself. I fastened the buttons on my coat slowly and cautiously, as if the precise meticulous movement would somehow steady my heart. Its not real - it's not real I kept repeating to myself as I sealed my sleeves shut. I am a puppet and this is not real.

My first class was fairly simple, and almost humorous. First year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. They were so small. It's a good thing I don't ever stand up straight - I'd be twice their size if I had. So what if they were behind in their lessons? There was nothing intimidating about them at all. They made such a good effort to keep up as well...

I didn't want them to leave. I actually wanted to throw up as the time drew near to teach the Seventh years. There was hardly any age difference between us. Three years - four years at most. Not long ago, they knew me as a classmate. They will judge me, and would be right to do. And she would be there… Both she and Runcorn have expressed their hatred of me. Less than a week ago I heard Matilda boast of her plan to get rid of me. Now I would see how she meant to implement it.

I let the N.E.W.T. class into the room. Matilda Weston walked in surrounded by four Slytherin girls. Runcorn entered alone, and did not sit anywhere near her. So they are not as close as Elwyn and Joan. Of course not. Why would someone like Matilda be involved with someone like him? They may be equals in wealth and society, but in the social circles of this school – she far outranks him. Such discrepancies in the generations are quite common in Slytherin. I've seen it countless times before. If anything, he is likely her lap dog.

I waited for the students to take their seats - but I waited too long. The silence was painful, but the breath had been stolen from my lungs and I couldn't speak again. Silence was not an option, so I forced myself to talk. I know my voice cracked and I was so angry with myself for displaying such weakness in front of them. I was speaking quieter then usual. I had to. I was far too afraid that my voice would shake if I were to speak any louder.

I finally looked up from the textbook and Slughorn's notes, my only companions. Thank God for the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. They were paying attention and even taking notes of their own. Half of the Gryfindors were laughing, though not in a malicious way… and then there were the Slytherins. They glared at me - trying to burn me with their stares. It reminded me of the way that I stare down Dumbledore when he has deeply insulted me, but there was something far more menacing and frightful behind their eyes.

I could easily have discerned their meaning through magic or even simple reasoning - but I looked away. I hid again behind the shield of Slughorn's notes. I did not want to know what the students were thinking. I just wanted it to end. N.E.W.T. classes are only single periods but it lasted an eternity. Why couldn't they just throw something at me or make some rude comment as Joan had done? Every time I looked up, no less than three of them would still be staring me down, their eyes narrowed, unblinking and full of hate. They wouldn't look away. If one did, another seemed instantly to take up their place. Was this planned? Were they taking turns? It was excruciating to endure. When it finally ended, I threw up. I had to, I haven't gotten upset like that since my forth year. I nearly began to cry, but I told myself how foolish I was being. They are the students, not me. I am the adult. I had to stop. I needed to go to lunch – to sit there and make it clear to the students that they had not unhinged me in the least.

Dumbledore was gone again. Beside me, McGonagall and Sprout were talking and laughing together at the table. They seem so happy. How do they do it? When I sat in their classes they were so at ease. Right. They chose to be professors.

Taking my time, picking at food, I tried to pass the time. I tried so hard to seem unaffected by anything… Eventually McGonagall turned to me. "Severus!" she exclaimed, "You still haven't come to the staff room. Come after your classes today!"

Not now McGonagall. But I forced myself to smile at her. I did not speak, for struggled even to manage a smile. "Where is Professor Dumbledore?" I finally asked. Not because I cared, but because I had to change the subject.

"Oh Ministry Business," she said as the cheer vanished from her voice. "One would think them incapable of functioning with out him. They've been calling him away on a daily basis since-"

She stopped short, the color drained from her face as I felt all the warmth leave my own skin. We looked at each other – both of our eyes wide with fear, and in a second - with out speaking we had conveyed the thought to one another, Don't say it... for we both felt the same dread.

"Well," she said to shake it off, "I wouldn't worry, he should be back soon."

"Right." I said. I turned then and looked away. Our conversation had to cease and we both knew this.

My last class was nothing compared with the N.E.W.T. nightmare. Even if was a set of Gryfindors and Slytherins… The worst thing to happen was that a pair of Slytherin girls broke out into a nasty duel, evidently over a boy. I broke them up and took five points from each of them. I was lenient, I knew this - but I couldn't bring myself to take more points than that. I know what it is to loose one's temper over such a thing - particularly at that age... all too well.

I cleaned up the wreckage after they had all left and was rather happy to do so. I liked having something important to do that could be accomplished in solitude. It occurred to me, that I should perhaps clean the whole of the Potions Classroom. It was mine now after all, and cleaning it would give me an excuse to avoid the Staff Room. In truth I only entertained the thought for a moment. For the hour had grown late, there was far too much dust and I hadn't the strength. I was exhausted, so I started back for my room, telling myself I would make my excuses to McGonagall in the morning. No point in going to the Great Hall either, the light had long gone and I am certain I lingered long enough in the Potions Classroom to miss dinner.

I staggered back slowly through the hallways. All the while I was thinking about Matilda Weston, Joan Ogden and all the other students. Something about Andre's face, and some of the faces of the others... Weston, Deverille, Runcorn… so many other new names… So many familiar names I can't quite place but I am certain I knew some of their parents or siblings in some former lost part of my life that I cannot fully recall…. My memory is far more clouded than I realized.

I walked slowly beside the wall. I ran my hand over the stones as I made my way, feeling each cold ridge and indentation. I pressed my fingers into the cold cracked mortar as if I could unlock some long forgotten secret in my mind. I was so lost in thought that I jumped back nearly two meters when he startled me screaming -

"What are you doing wandering the hall ways at this hour!" Filch! That filthy old git, "Get back to your Common Room!" he said, relishing every word. "Oh the Headmaster will hear of this!"

I don't know what it was, my exhaustion, the stress of the day or the grim nightmare that I am living - but I snapped. "Damn you Filch! How dare you - I am no student!" Glaring down at him, I dropped my head and my voice even lower, "I am a professor – you have no right to tell me where to be. You have no reason to talk to me at all!" with that I stormed off. Fueled by my fury, I did the stupidest thing I could possible have done.

I just had to get one over on him. I just had to prove my position, and in a brazen act of arrogance, I foolishly marched straight into the Staff Room. I pushed open the door and before I could take my first breath I realized the grave mistake I had made.

I panicked. How could I enter such a forbidden place! Why would I willingly walk into a room where I would undoubtedly be forced to speak to people I outright feared to speak with? What was I doing? I had to get out of there - but it was too late. "Severus!" McGonagall cried out. "Where on Earth have you been? The Headmaster has been looking everywhere for you!"

Of course, that makes sense I'm in trouble, I'm student wandering around after hours and - I was losing my senses. I looked around the room confused, but only McGonagall and Binns were there to witness my weakness. "What?" I finally said.

"He wants to see you," she said sounding fairly frustrated with me, "He is upstairs in his office."

I thanked her and made my way to the office. I wondered what he could possibly want from me as I climbed the steps. Whatever it was, I knew it would not end well. It never does.

"You wanted to see me Headmaster?" I didn't walk all the way into the room. I thought if I stood at the doorway, that perhaps I could end it faster. Maybe it would only be a quick word he wanted.

He looked up from his reading, "Severus, come in. Sit down!"

Damn it. I prepared myself for the worst and I did as he said. He folded his copy of Transfiguration Today and placed it on the desk. "I am sure there is much you wish to discuss about your first few days of teaching, but I am afraid that will have to wait."

Really? Was he mad? The last thing I wanted to talk about.

"As I'm sure you have noticed, I have been absent from the school for the past few days," he said, but not with out pausing for his usual dramatic effect... "I was at The Ministry. Crouch is still running through an intense series of trials, and while it seems they are finally winding down, I felt I should be the first to inform you about what has happened."

Oh dear God. What now? I couldn't possibly take anything else. I sucked back the saliva that had pooled in my mouth and swallowed hard. "What happened at The Ministry?" I asked gravely.

He took a long serious look at me and said, "Igor Karkaroff appeared before the Council of Magical Law today. He has been imprisoned in Azkaban for quite a long time now and wanted to make a deal to secure his release. He wanted to provide The Ministry with names… Severus, he named you."

That's it! I'd been expecting far worse… "Sir?"

"He was desperate," Dumbledore explained. "He was frantically naming as many people as he could. When all of the information he volunteered turned out to be useless, he named you."

"Oh," I didn't know how to react, so I didn't.

He studied me a moment, then explained, "The good news here, is that everyone was shocked when he announced to all those gathered that you were a Death Eater."

But, that didn't make any sense. "How can that be? I was only tried…" I had lost track of time again.

"Fifteen days ago," Dumbledore said to finish my sentence. "Yes, your trial it seems has already been forgotten. The news that you have been named a professor at such a young age seems to have over taken any memory of your trial. With so many trials in such a short time, most people haven't the patients to keep up. Even I must admit a bit of difficulty in recalling the details!" He was smiling again – giving me that that abhorrent smug look he assumes when he is far too pleased with himself.

"Sir, what will this mean? Will I be tried again?" I knew the laws, but Crouch was on such a rampage. The Ministry had flouted laws and conventions in the wartime, as I know all too well, since the legalization of Unforgivable Curses claimed the lives of Evan and Caligula.

"Oh no!" Dumbledore explained, sounding again like some proud, know-it-all. "No you will not be tried again. I stood up to remind everyone that you have already been of great assistance to us and that you had my full trust, which of course no one questioned. But don't you see Severus? This is a good thing. The shock of those present proves that your trial went unnoticed or was quickly forgotten by most of the Wizarding world. And while I am certain this will be covered extensively in The Prophet and widely discussed for the next several days, in time, this act of Karkaroff will be quickly forgotten as well." He stopped speaking and looked over his spectacles at me as if to see if I was still following him. "The next few days might be a bit difficult for you Severus. I wanted to make sure you heard it from me first."

I could only nod at him, for I had fallen completely speechless. My mind raced. This means, everyone will talk about me? Of course they will. Everyone will be reminded about what I had done – no not what I had truly done, just that I had been a Death Eater. I will be mentioned in The Prophet. The Daily Prophet? Wait, had I been mentioned before! Oh dear God! I had never even considered such a thing!

Certainly my trial – and even my appointment as professor and head of house would have warranted some mention in The Prophet. Why hadn't I realized this! Then another horrid thought – my mother! Oh thank God my poor mother doesn't read that paper anymore. But everyone else does! Karkaroff's trial – my being named a Death Eater is one thing – but being named a Death Eater and Head of House…

I imagine Dumbledore had made some deal with The Ministry to keep my ties to The Death Eaters quiet when I was named Potions Master. To have it all brought to light again would be a disaster – not just for me, but for him for and the school as well. All this because of that stupid kid Karkaroff...

Funny. I never even thought much on Karkaroff, even at my trail when I was forced to remember things I would rather have forgotten. He was an annoying kid from what I can recall. He was a year or so younger than me. I only met him a few times, but unfortunately he latched on to me when all the other people in my circle refused to have anything to do with him. Avery and the others were always off with Lucius and those in the Inner Circle, so I was stuck with him for a few nights. We were both drunk. He talked a lot but that was all I could truly remember.

"Well what happened to him? Did they set him free in the end?" I looked up at Dumbledore and waited for the answer, though at that point I was far past caring.

"He has been sent back to Azkaban pending a review of the information he volunteered. I suspect though, that in the end he will be set free." He finished speaking, but I could tell by the look in his eyes there was something he was not telling me.

What is it you old fool? What are you hiding from me… but wait, I didn't need Legilimens, I already knew. "Sir, who else did he name?"

He paused and considered me for a moment before speaking. I couldn't take the suspense. This either would be really good or really bad. Knowing my luck, I was terrified to hear the answer - but I had to know. Finally he spoke the names, "He gave up your name, Augustus Rookwood, Antonin Dolohov, Travers, Evan Rosier, and Mulciber"

"Mulciber! He named William Mulciber!" This couldn't be. I could not possibly be that lucky…

But Dumbledore nodded, "Yes he did."

I still couldn't believe it, "William, not his father?"

"Yes Severus," Dumbledore said sounding almost exasperated.

This was too good to be true. Mulciber had grown from a troublemaker in school to a sadistic, brutal thug. Oh how I had wanted to give him up at my own trial but Dumbledore would not let me. I could not name those who were a part of the Inner Circle as Mulciber had been. I couldn't help it - I felt my face break into the slightest smirk. I don't know which thought was more satisfying… the fact that justice might be carried out, or the fact that Mulciber had been given up - despite Dumbledore having prevented me from doing so. "Will they go after him now!

Dumbledore grinned at me, "Severus, he was already caught. Three days ago. His trial is set for next Monday."

"But they'll send him to Azkaban won't they! William Mulciber is a monster! I've seen what he's done! Lucius Malfoy ordered them to do terrible things all the time but he on the other hand needed no prompting. Headmaster – he can not be set free." I was leaning on his desk by that point as the horrific memories flashed through my mind. I gripped the heavy wooden surface so hard with my fingers at the fear of it. If I had any fingernails I would have left such deep scratch marks in the thing, but of course I chew off all my nails from my nerves…

"I wouldn't worry Severus," he said calmly as he once again picked up his copy of Transfiguration Today. "There is more than enough evidence to convict him. Incidentally," he said lowering the magazine, "What did you do?"

"Sir?" What was he getting at?

He fixed me with his shifty blue eyes, "What did you do when Lucius gave those orders?"

I practically gasped, "I couldn't do that!" I stared at him, utterly stunned. "I walked away! I couldn't watch that! I couldn't be near that!" I said this quickly with out even thinking. Still confused, I looked to Dumbledore. He had an odd look upon his face. What was this now? And that I began to understand it all, "You… think I should have stopped them." I grew sick at the thought - at myself. I should have done… I should have helped. And yet, help – stand up to them? What good would it have done?

"I didn't say that Severus," he was reading again, looking smug. "But you yourself think that they should have been stopped. You had the choice to join them that night, but you walked away."

"Choice? There was never a choice. I could never do that to any one ever! I don't know how they did it!" I nearly raised my voice.

"Severus, I know that. That is why you are here now." Dumbledore looked at me and smiled. "Go back to your room Severus. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. We will talk again soon. Come back here Friday evening after your classes have ended for the week, and we will speak further then. For now, get some sleep."

Fine. As usual he provokes me, than tells me to sleep. After all he has stirred up in me – I am forced to leave with rattled nerves and the knowledge that I would face a difficult day - not to mention the threat of another such meeting hanging over my head.

"Yes sir," I said to him, because as usual - there was no point in arguing. I left his office and walked quickly back to my room.

Mulciber caught - set for a trial, and I did not know. I myself named in the Daily Prophet, and I did not know. I have been remiss in neglecting the outside world, but I can no longer afford such indulgences. Especially not now that I myself shall be written about. So as I neared my room, I resolved to take up reading The Prophet again.

I entered my room and lay back across my bed. All of those names brought back into light. Mine, Mulciber's, Evan's... Again Evan. He was the innocent one - guilty of only being in the wrong place at the wrong time... the unfortunate son of a cruel barbarian father like mine. I was upset, so I had to write… and now I don't even know the hour, but I am still distressed and cannot sleep.

Karkaroff is such a coward. He gave up Evan, whom he knew was weak. I myself gave up the weak so that if the Dark Lord did return, my betrayal of names would be seen as a gift to the Dark Lord, and not as a true betrayal to him. Unlike Karkaroff I had been forced to do so, but that didn't make me feel any better about destroying lives so that I could be free.

No, not so that I could be free, so that he could be safe. I have to be strong. I have to not dwell upon such thoughts, for his sake. Tomorrow begins a new day of nightmares that I had not even foreseen… I most go and take a bath. If anything can help me now, it is the waters of Slytherin…